Yeah, I'd Seriously Pay A Dollar For That

Did they really make electronic bikes? There was a serious market for this? So I was at Best Buy the other day. First of all, I kind of wonder if a hoarder is organizing the store. You walk in, there are washer/dryer's to the left of you, random opened electronics in a bin that they are trying to sell back to you that are priced out in sharpie and/or magic marker to the right (professional, Best Buy! I came here to buy premium electronics, but if you are offering me a torn box with a random pink iPod in it that is being priced out with a teal magic marker, I may rethink things...), cell phones randomly in the middle...it's all over the place. Just slow down, guy organizing the products in the store. Maybe think this one through a bit harder.

My favorite thing that I saw, though, was this: Best Buy is making a hard push in the front of the store selling electric bicycles. ELECTRIC BICYCLES.

Got that? Because usually, when I'm in the market for a DVD or two, I impulse buy electronic "why the fuck would I ever buy that"s! Really though, what's amazing about this to me is just the concept in general: you ride a bike to get exercise. Someone was so lazy, they thought, "man, you know what I hate about riding a bike? The fact that I have to do anything." So they put an electronic engine on the thing, overpriced it and told you you're saving the earth. You know how you save the earth? YOU RIDE A FUCKING BICYCLE. If you're this lazy, just buy the goddamn moped. It's way cooler looking and you were never lying to yourself in the first place. It's like wanting to walk somewhere, but just really hating the walking part, so you buy electric shoes that walk for you.

If you're this lazy? Seriously? Just stay home. I have more respect for grown men who ride razor scooters. Which is to say that I have zero respect for grown men that ride razor scooters.

I would buy one toothpick from Amazon.com, just because they promised me they will send it to me in two days or less.

So I was talking to my brother the other night, and we were discussing the utter genius of Amazon.com's Prime shipping service. If you are unaware, Amazon came up with an idea where they charge you a once-a-year rate of $80 and allow you to have anything shipped with you 2-day air for free. You know who this is a great idea for? People who love to get shit sent to them because they are too lazy to go to the store to buy things, AND because they think for some reason if something comes in a package in the mail, that's exciting. You know who I am? That guy. You almost start buying things for sport, just to see if they hold up their end of the bargain. Not only that, you will begin to order the strangest collection of items just to try to throw off the system. A recent purchase I actually made: a book about the history of Motley Crüe, two new toothbrush heads for my sonicare, socks (this will become funnier later in the post), and a used copy of the film Club Dread (a movie that I'm pretty sure me and two other people on the planet like). I did this at about 2pm on a Tuesday. 4pm on Wednesday, and my package had arrived.

I began to joke with my brother that they probably have some crack squad of little gnomes that just run and gun down the aisles with wishlists, grabbing items off the shelves like an intense episode of supermarket sweep. Like little carrier pigeons on crack. And this is when the knowledge bomb of all knowledge bombs was dropped on me.

Adam: "Wait, do you not know how they fulfill your order?"

Drew: "I mean, I assume people just package your order and ship it to you."

Adam: "No man. They have robots that get your order and electronically go through the warehouse putting it together."

Drew: (Complete silence)

Adam: "Robots."

Amazon.com just got about 8 bagillion trillion gazillion times cooler to me. I'VE BEEN EMPLOYING ROBOTS FOR YEARS AND HAD NO IDEA?

Here's what my brother and I propose, Amazon.com: you should offer "robot cam" with every order. Wait for it...

When I place my order, there should be a box I can check asking me if I'd like to pay a dollar extra to watch the robot go retrieve my order. You know why? BECAUSE I'D PAY AT LEAST 20 DOLLARS FOR THIS. YES I'M SERIOUS. If I could see that little guy scavengering for a pair of socks and then scurrying off to grab the obscure film I requested? I would lose my shit. The future is now, Amazon. The future is now. Call us.

I guess I throw away my socks for sport.

Like every human being, I seem to lose socks at an alarming rate. I have no idea why this is a worldwide epidemic, but I just seem to be missing socks left and right, all the time. But I think I've figured it out.

Every night when I go to bed, I take my socks off and throw them over at my hamper. If this is when I'm drunk (re: often), it means I just kind of fall backwards and try to throw them in that general direction, which usually doesn't go so well. The other night, I was going to bed and went through this ritual, and noticed I had shot well short of the hamper and thrown my sock directly into the trash can. At first I thought this was hilarious. Then, when walking up to the trash can, I looked inside and saw another sock. And it dawned on me: I've been throwing away socks on what seems to be a semi-nightly basis.

This doesn't even include the amounts of times I've thrown t-shirts, pants (laaadies?), whatever over at that hamper. How many of my clothes am I just aimlessly throwing away? HOW MANY PAIRS OF SOCKS HAVE I THROWN AWAY? I am the stupidest human being alive.

Also, who keeps their trash can by their hamper? That's gross, me. Stop it.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.