Weekend At Bernie's is Called "A Life Sentence in Prison" In The Real World

Lately, movies are bothering me. I don't know what it is, but there just aren't any good old "wait seriously, that's a movie plot?" movies coming out like when I was young. Because that's why you go to the movies: to sit there for a few hours and not think about the fact that everything in the world is terrible (that is if you believe the news...or you know, facts). Where have the days gone when Arnold Schwarzenegger would just randomly go into the jungle to fight a man-alien-beast predator thing with no real answer as to why this was occurring? Movies are in a phase that "the rap music" was in when I was younger: they either make a bad remake of something or they just make a movie starring a female that no one in the world likes and then continue to inundate us with intriguing facts about how she struggles with dating douchebags (Sidenote: why do we need movies for this? Can't I just go watch girls have brunch and listen to them talk?). However, in the middle of this nostalgic train of thought I was having about my favorite bad movies of yesteryear, it dawned on me: every "great" old hokey movie I was naming had an alarmingly creepy plot. I will list five to prove this point, because if I didn't limit myself to a number, this would become a 747 page book.

Weekend At Bernie's

Ready for this? In this hilarious romp, two guys go to spend a weekend on an island with their rich boss. He dies. Since they are terrified of being suspects if and when they notify the police, they instead just hang out at his house, have parties and spend his money. All while dressing him daily in different clothes (wow) and having him sit dead in chairs and stuff so people think he's alive. Got that? They hide the fact that a guy is dead so they can spend his money and hang out at his nice house. No, seriously. Let me explain how this would play out if you went on vacation and came back and told your friends about this.

Friend: "Hey man, how was vacation with your boss Bernie?"

Drew: "Oh, I got there and he was dead! It's cool though, I just hid him around the house and had girls over and spent his money and shit like that. I was like, WASTED the entire time man! And his friends? H-O-T, dude. It was awesome. I think I might even do it again sometime soon."

Friend: "Wait, Bernie died? Have you called the cops yet?"

Drew: "Oh, no way man. I just decided not to tell anyone. It's cool, no one will notice that he's dead or anything and that I'm spending all of his money. Want to come to his house in the Bahamas sometime? I just put sunglasses on him, so he totally looks alive and shit."

Friend: "..."

Soooo you just went to prison basically. Because a guy died. And you didn't report it. And instead just put sunglasses on him and slept with his friends after you pretended to walk around the house with him while he was dead, and your friend and you propped him up. That's cool. There's nothing wrong with you psychologically. At all.

(Second Sidenote: I saw both of these in the theater. Yes, there was a sequel. Yes, really.)

Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead

The mother of four children decides to go on vacation for two months, during which time she will leave them with a babysitter she found randomly and does not in any way know. I could talk about the sketchy parenting alone for another 4,389 words, but I'll move on (whose mother does this? WHOSE?). The day she leaves for vacation, the babysitter dies. Since the kids don't want their summer to like, TOTALLY suck, they decide to take her dead body and leave it in a box on the doorstep of the morgue (...wow...) and then just live out life while not telling their mother. Hilarity ensues as they bond through an old lady dying (and, you know, them carrying the secret of unloading a dead body illegally) and learn to love each other as a family. How, you ask? Well, the eldest gets a job with a fake resumé and in turn learns the entire meaning of life and responsibility through sexual harassment in the office and stealing money from her boss (this film is also how every child in America learned what "petty cash" was). In the end, they randomly learn how to build ice sculptures, Mom gets home and is pleasantly surprised at how great her family have become, and no one tells her that they illegally hid the death of an old woman.

(Third Sidenote: This is my favorite movie of all time)

Big

In what is heralded one of the greater films of all time, a young boy wants to be tall enough to ride a roller coaster so he can score babes, wishes for this to happen, and becomes a thirty year old man. Because of this, he is forced to leave his home because his mom finds him in his adult body wearing only little children's underpants. Once out of the house, he scores a job at a corporate toy company, moves up in the business because he has the mind of a child, and in turn charms an older woman who then wants to sleep with him. Which means she basically wants to sleep with a twelve year old boy. Don't worry, his Mom is never TOO concerned, because she just thinks her son was kidnapped...because that's what he calls and tells her. He then decides this sucks, and wishes to not be old anymore. In the end of the film, we see his lady interest smirking back at him in his twelve year old form, as if thinking, "Drat, he WAS a little boy...how silly is it that I wanted to fuck that guy? Oh well, guess I better just go home and pretend this never happened!" Amazing. Just amazing.

Camp Nowhere

A young boy is about to be shipped off to computer camp (OHHH BROTHERRR!) and can't believe how lame his summer is going to be. Realizing a bunch of other kids his age are facing the same lousy predicament, he hatches the brilliant plan of blackmailing an aging alcoholic former drama teacher who was fired for unspecified reasons (...) to host a fake summer camp. Young children then live in the woods with a creepy old man all summer without the knowledge of their parents.

There are no words.

Mrs. Doubtfire

An out of work man, Daniel, is divorced by his affluent, well-to-do wife. Due to his money troubles, he also loses custody of his children in the process. To alleviate this problem, he fakes the identity of an aging Scottish woman and moves back into the house posing as a nanny to the children. He then spies on the new relationship his wife is having. When it becomes known that their Nanny is, in fact, Daddy, he then loses visitation rights...until the judge AND his ex-wife realize that the kids miss...Daniel's fake identity he's created. So then, it's totally cool and he can have partial custody of his children again. Daniel is not arrested for false identity, or creepily living in the house of his ex-wife posing as an 80 year old woman. His fake breasts also set on fire at one point, because boobs on fire is funny and not in any way horrifying for children to see in a movie theater.

My childhood hurts.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.