To Be Fair, Tom Cruise Is Really Good Looking

So I was talking with an attractive girl this weekend (that sentence will make more sense by the end of the story), and we got on a funny, yet very poignant subject: what is your favorite sex scene of all time? No, she was not dancing to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" at a strip club. Let me back up. (But let me say this: if you are at a strip club and they DON'T play this song within five minutes of you entering? Leave. Leave fast. I think it's law that this song be played every third song at every strip club. Like even in Poland, where it's just depressing to even be there.  Even though I've never gone to a strip club. Ever. EW.)

So we got to talking about how when you are a kid, you clamor at any possible scene in any movie where it looks like they are going to take their clothes off. Mostly because you don't know what anyone looks like naked yet, nor have you even CONSIDERED the possibility that you and someone else will be naked together at some point. That'd be like finding out you got an unlimited supply of Lucky Charms. Which, as it turns out? Not that great a cereal. Yeah, I just said that. And I mean it. Judge and keep reading.

Anyone from my generation will tell you the same scene, and I bet you are already thinking it if you are in my demographic: Top Gun. I mean, every kid in my generation learned about sex from this scene. You will look like Tom Cruise. You'll come home from a long motorcycle ride, and you'll think, "Man. I better get this woman inside, crank some very loud synth-jam and turn out all the lights, while allowing just enough for our shadows to indicate we are doing something incredibly skanky."

Anyways, so of course we start talking about it and both immediately bring up this scene. We laugh a little, joke about how awesome it was, and then begin the sort of accidentally awkward part of this conversation.

"Yeah, that scene was hot. Which is weird, because I guess that means I learned about sex from Tom Cruise."


"Actually, I guess that's kind of weird. I mean, my first sexual fantasies revolve around Tom Cruise, who would later go on to tell people that drugs are made by aliens and that I should prepare for space battles by spending money on a church."


"Is that weird that I didn't even say the woman's name first? That I actually just stated that my greatest sexual fantasy is...Tom Cruise?"

This is the part where I realize I should have just stopped talking. Which, if you know me, is like trying to tell cars to start flying. As we sat there and kind of, you know, took in that I just accidentally made a horrible realization, the best point was made of all time.

Then, the attractive female makes a great point.

"Isn't Kelly McGillis a lesbian now, too?"

So to clear things up, my greatest sexual fantasy of all time revolves around a short guy who believes in spaceships courting a woman who would later go on to say she doesn't like sex with men. At all.

All of the sudden, it seems a little weird that one of my other favorite movies is about how rough life is in prison for Andy Dufresne. The sex scenes in that one, guys? Don't even GET me started on how hot those ones are.


You see how it didn't make any difference that she was attractive, yet I included that information anyways? Yeah, if you found out your favorite sexual fantasy was about Tom Cruise, you'd probably throw that in, too.

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.