Tiger Woods Is Good At Golf But Not At Picking Attractive People To Sleep With

Sound soother companies need some new "not batshit crazy" people at the creative table. I have a sleeping problem. Of course I do: I'm a white guy! We are always "concerned" about something, or have some problem that is just "so tough on us", you know, like the fact that our Prius has brake warnings or some shit like that. Oh, white people. The advent of the iPhone app store, though, has been a serious boon: you can download a program that has soothing sounds that lull you to sleep. Great concept. However, they have some really poor execution it turns out.

Ambiance, the application, comes with a billion sounds that you can download, and most of them are standard: rainforest (you know, for all those times you remember falling asleep...in the rainforest), thunderstorm (re: white people), ocean (re: rich white people), etc. And then there are the other sounds available for download. Let me run down a few. (note: I am not making a SINGLE one of these up)

- Emergency Room (because the sounds of screaming and people dying always puts me right out)

- Heart Monitor (maybe you enjoy the sound of something that monitors if you are going to die or not)

- Muzzle of Bees (everyone is scared of bees, so this one is logical for "things that calm me down")

- Electric Knife Sharpener (um...)

- Forest Fire (!!!)

- Warfare (wow.)

So basically, you can choose between "tranquil sounds of nature" or "you're going to die/biblical plagues and things that kill you". Does the app double as something you can use to torture people to get information out of them at Guantanamo Bay? Just for fun, I just searched "death" as a joke in the application and got the results "snake pit" and "FerrariF456". So apparently, they need to work on their search algorithm as well. (Snake pit?!? Really?!?)

Tiger Woods doesn't have a sex addiction problem, he has an "I shouldn't have gotten married" problem.

The Tiger Woods thing is just getting weirder and funnier by the day. In a classic celebrity twist, he held a press conference with select people to tell them that he was sorry that he was a jerk, but that more importantly he has a "problem" (and by "problem" he means he likes to do it with girls and made that silly mistake of getting married) and needs to go seek help at a rehab facility. Is the rehab facility called "I'm a dick and cheat on my wife", Tiger?

Here's the thing: I don't really care. It turns out you just held a press conference called "I'm a guy and wanted to have sex." Great. You don't have a sex addiction problem. You have an "I'm a dickface" problem. And honestly? That's cool! Turns out I just like watching you hit a little white ball and don't really care in turn who you sleep with or what your favorite color is. I just want you to hit the ball really well. Hold a press conference with your wife, because she is the one who actually cares what you do with your bits and pieces. He could honestly wear panties during the Masters, and as long as he keeps being really really ridiculously good at golf? I'm fine with that. Have at it, bud. My only request is that you start sleeping with better looking women if I have to watch the press conference about it. I feel like a guy with a friend who keeps hooking up with ugly chicks at the bar and then telling me later he really regrets that. Just stop hooking up with the ugly chicks, then.

People need to stop going to rehab facilities for sex addiction, because i'm pretty sure the facility is called "don't get married". Now hit the white ball again, please.

Traveling with an iPhone is like finally figuring out what it's like to be a meth addict without the cool "I'm a drug addict and can write a memoir about this later" part.

I was at SFO recently waiting for a flight, and since my flight was delayed I decided to play solitaire. Some people have friends they call, I have solitaire. And I'm okay with that. I digress. The iPhone's greatest feature is that it runs for about 13 minutes after you charge it.

So this is what iPhone owners have become: creepy guys with cords scratching their face, searching for outlets they can mainline off of for like, 2 minute intervals. JUST TO GET MORE JUICE. I NEED MORE JUICE. YOU GOT MORE JUICE? It's sick. I feel like I may as well be mumbling to myself while eating random crumbs of a muffin out of my pocket or something creepy like that.

You just wander around, randomly searching for outlets and when you find one, you plug in and sit there Indian style on a floor just to get your fix for a few minutes. You know who else has behavior like this? Drug addicts. So that's cool. I've been whittled down to a meth head just to get my fix of solitaire or to figure out if anyone has tweeted anything funny recently. Sometimes I'm so white it hurts my feelings.

I also realize that I just wrote "Indian style", and when reading that back, I realized that this is, in fact, not okay to say, ever. But saying sitting cross legged just doesn't get the point across. Oh, accidental racism. I wish you didn't work as a perfect imagery device.

On that note.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 23: Songs That Are Better Than Tiger Woods At Picking Attractive People To Sleep With Them

As always click on the link above to stream it.

Or you can download the whole thing in all its mp3 glory right here.

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.