The fact that they have to tell me I can't return used underpants to American Apparel means that someone is, in fact, trying to return used underpants to American Apparel. So when buying some clothes this evening at American Apparel (don't worry, i'm judging myself already so feel free to join in), I had the strangest exchange with the lady at the counter. She told me, immediately, "just so you know, you can't return opened or used underpants."
I was floored. WHO is returning used underpants? Who thinks this is okay? This has been a cardinal rule that you were taught since, I don't know, you could wear underpants: you do not share your underpants. Once you wear your underpants, they are your underpants. You know why? Because they go on the part of your body that you are legally not allowed to show other people unless they consent to it. The garment, itself, is even a bit awkward to buy. "Hey, where do you sell the stuff that I hide my junk in? Right there? Cool, thanks."
What's more amazing to me is that someone didn't just think "hey, I wore these underpants and they just weren't for me, I'm going to take them OFF OF MY JUNK and return them"...they weren't too embarassed to go give this pair of underpants BACK to a complete and total stranger who is working at a retail store.
Please don't try and return your dirty underpants to a store. And don't give me the, "I just opened them, realized before even trying them on that I didn't like them and then put them back in the bag," routine. You tried them on. That pair of underpants has touched your bits and pieces. They are yours now. Knock off your gross shenanigans.
Why is ANYONE still driving a Mazda Miata?
Growing up, my family had a running joke about Miata's, as we thought they looked like a bathtub on wheels. As the internet doubles as a "no wait I have proof" accountability machine that will disappoint you and reveal that a Miata does not, in fact, look like a bathtub on wheels at all, this joke is no longer funny.
I bring the Miata up, though, because the other day I saw a decent looking guy walking out to a parking lot, and I saw him get into a HARDTOP white Mazda Miata. Really? You splurged on the designer jeans and the nice haircut and clearly seem to have some self respect, and you decided that the car for you is a white, not even convertible Mazda Miata? Was the sweet teal babe magnet Geo Metro not available?
Don't give me the "it's a cheap, affordable car" argument. You could trade it in and get a Ford Taurus and I'd have more respect for you. If you don't know what that car is, we aren't the same age, because I think everyone had a friend who had a Mom who drove this car when I was growing up. No, check that: you could honestly ride around town on a razor scooter, and I'd STILL be more okay with that.
And you didn't even get the convertible? At least then you could let your sweet hair blow in the breeze while you zoomed by the ladies, who are ironically wearing fashion now from when this car was okay (that's about 1988-1992).
This is the kind of person who, if told that they could trade their car in for ANYTHING in the world, would presumably finally get that PT cruiser of their dreams.
Spam comments on blog posts aren't fucking around anymore.
So when you get a comment on a blog post, if the computer suspects that it wasn't written by a human, it stores it in a "this is not a human comment" section that you can review before it posts. I know, sorry. Next I'll teach you how a keyboard works and what that crrrrAAAZY "mouse" thing does that is attached to your computer!
A few days ago, I received a spam message from reader "Exhibit Develop" that seemed to actually have been written by my personal insecurities. And I kind of respect Exhibit Develop because of it. It reads:
"Great post. It is clear You have a great deal of unused capacity, which you have not turned to your advantage.
The way you write shows you have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself.
It seems to me that while While you have some personal weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them."
What I respect about Exhibit Develop is that he doesn't waste any time getting down to the nitty gritty of what I'm all about. And that he uses the word "while" twice, choosing to only capitalize it once (deeper meaning, Exhibit Develop? I'll forever be curious). And I don't know what's more sad...that a spam bot is wasting it's time spamming MY blog...or that it pretty much has me down to a science. He also left me a link to a website letting me know how to analyze the grading of diamonds. So there's that.
In honor of Exhibit Develop, I present:
There is WAY too much good music going on right now, so this guy is about 30 songs deep. Think about it like the Smashing Pumpkins album Millencollie and the Infinite Sadness: it didn't need that many songs, but the asshole making it couldn't decide on which to cut out.
See? I even made bad album art that took me five seconds to create in photoshop using real spam images! Hooray years of work at a production company amounting to the remedial graphic design work of an eight year old!