Things I Learned at Lollapalooza

Written in the best way possible: on a plane, hungover after three straight days of seeing if my liver will still talk to me or return my phone calls tomorrow. Lollapalooza. In a nutshell or 4,000.
  • People love throwing water bottles around in the crowd like grenades without the top open. To this I say…please just open the bottle first. Things I like when it’s 100 degrees out and I’m hallucinating due to heat stroke: getting pelted with freezing cold water. Things I do not like when it’s 100 degrees out and I’m hallucinating due to heat stroke: getting pelted with a cold-ish object that just kind of hurts when it hits my head. Thanks, dude in the front row! You’ve already made your point that your spot at the show is better, now you have punched me in the face from a REALLY far ways away. Impressive, not gonna lie.
  • Guys who bring a guitar into Lollapalooza should not be allowed to have friends. Really, guy? You brought a guitar into a MUSIC FESTIVAL? I’m pretty sure they hired 200 bands to do that. Do you also attend sporting events in full pads while wearing a helmet just in case they need you in there on 3rd down? This is not going to get you laid. Stop it.
  • Neon colors/Neon Wayfarer Ray-Bans Are Trendy right now. Like, really trendy. Almost to the point where if you didn’t own a pair, people pointed at you and laughed at how stupid you were for not getting the attractive and fashion forward music follower memo. I own a pair, but they aren’t of any color…therefore, mine were fairly worthless. I was even feeling good about them going into the show. Once I got in, it's like I was wearing mom jeans or something. So that was cool.
  • People have no idea what decade it is anymore. It could be 1992 or 1987. Seriously, no idea. Girls are leading to most of this confusion, as they have literally just thrown out all guidelines on what to dress like anymore. It’s like hundreds of thousands of Lisa Turtle’s and Kelly Kapowski’s running around with headbands on and gold leggings that sparkle. With neon sunglasses. I’m so confused on whether or not I should be attracted to them or angry that we just gave up on creating any form of new way to dress. I mean, when people dress in “2000’s” style years from now, won’t it be confusing that they just dress in a potluck of 80’s and 90’s fashion? YOU DID THIS, AMERICAN APPAREL! Anybody agree with me on this? Bueller? (Nevermind, they were almost all attractive, so I’m fine with it.)
  • Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers, is better looking than most girls. Seriously.
  • Dudes with intense back hair refuse to wear shirts. I sincerely don’t get this trend. Look, man. I know it’s hot. I know you even appear to work out regularly, enough so that I have to kind of non-heterosexually qualify this statement for you briefly. But weren’t you hanging out on maybe the Wednesday before the show this weekend, got in the shower and thought, “Man, weather guy said it’s going to be 100 degrees this weekend. Should I shave the gorilla hair growing on my back in odd patches? Especially that awkward portion leading down towards my ass? Yeah. I’ll stick with it. Chicks LOVE that look.”
  • The guys from Vampire Weekend have got to be feeling pretty good about things right now. They could pour water into a tin can while yelling random piglatin and I'm pretty sure 40,000 people would show up to hear it and then write about how they are the future of music. But seriously? Those guys are pretty amazing.
  • People from the Midwest are genuinely the nicest people I’ve ever met. You could yell profanities at them while kicking them in the shins and they’d just smile and ask if you’d like a burrito, some beer or some of their marijuana. I went to this show with about 15 people I’ve never met before in my entire life, and I’m pretty sure they just acted like I was someone’s cousin and accosted me with awesome. Thank you, Grosse Pointers.
  • The really attractive girls attend the sad-sap singer songwriter sets. It’s like finding a little field full of supermodels. Go here, but do not bring a guitar like the douche mentioned above. Just be a vulture, swoop in, and talk to any girl at all. You just won at life. You’re welcome.
  • That guy who looks terrible and like he may pass out any minute in front of you? That’s definitely the guy tearing ass over and over again. Without question. He’s just not fooling anyone.
  • The most annoying trend on the planet is the use of cell phone light as a replacement for lighters calling for encores. What are we going to do next, guys? Hold up our laptops and adjust our tape around our Urkel glasses? You're killin' me, smalls. (Bonus points if you understand that reference. Just in life, in general. Bonus Points.)
  • If you ever go to Lollapalooza, go to the Chinese food tent and order the dumplings. Five dollars gets you one billion trillion dumplings. There is no way they were turning a profit. It’s like continuously walking up and paying five dollars for fourteen steaks. It just doesn’t seem cost efficient for them. However, my belly thanks you, Chinese food tent.
  • Bud Lite Lime is okay for about 2 cans. That is all any human being can take of this beverage. They should sell it in grocery stores in 2-packs that say, “don’t worry, seriously, that’s all you’re gonna want…just by the cube of bud heavy, sir.”
  • Midwestern guys always wear boardshorts with underpants underneath them. Maybe this is because I’m from California, but let me go over this for you guys. It’s a swimsuit. Do you wear underpants under your swimsuit? No? Because that doesn’t make any sense? Okay. So now let’s take this knowledge bomb I just dropped on you and apply it to the rest of your life. Stop wearing underpants under your swimsuit. It’s one or the other.
  • No matter how hard you try, they haven’t invented flying shoes and you cannot see 200 bands. It’s just literally impossible and really frustrating sometimes. It’s okay if you miss that one band that pitchfork said you have to see because they sound terrible and dress poorly. Just go see the band that you, ya know, like. Calm down, hipsters.
  • Wear sunscreen when it’s 100 degrees out.
  • If you drink 8 beers before 2pm, you’re going to be peeing a lot. A lot. You did this to yourself, Drew. You did this to yourself…
  • If there is a band that looks like you should be on drugs and dance to them while light shows are going off and the sound is making you laugh uncontrollably out of happiness…go to that show. My biggest victory this year was dancing so white-boy-hard with three other people that we got HIPPIES to ask if they could join us. After I just wrote that down, I realized that I’m not sure this actually is a victory in any way. But it sure felt like one.

Moral of the story, it was an amazing weekend. Thanks to everyone that I got to spend time with. That’s the best vacation I’ve had in a while. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shower for fourteen days straight.

And now, the best picture I took of one of the many awesome midwesterners I met who had passed out. No, seriously, this is before noon I think.


Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.