The Superbowl: The Only Place a Bad Bud Light Costs 3 Million Dollars

The Superbowl blows my mind. It is the only time when you can spend over three million dollars and not receive a house/a midlife crisis car/anything that should cost three million dollars. Because for about three million dollars, advertisers receive those precious thirty seconds when they can advertise to use the many useful things that we should buy.

Working in advertising, this to me is still fascinating. Having a Superbowl ad used to kind of mean that you, as an agency/production company had made it. At least it meant that you were creating the best work in the industry. Apparently, though, it now means you can draw your name with a bic pencil without using the eraser more than twice and once had an idea about how funny it would be to punch a guy in the nuts. You did? You're hired as our head creative! The firepit where we throw money in is directly adjacent to your desk!

This year's ads were at a new level of, "really? REALLY" though. I mean, I seriously think that when my small cousin once pitched me that we should play a game of basketball where only he could shoot and I had to lose was a much stronger pitch than half the people in the industry made to their clients this year. You got three million dollars? BOY do we have an idea for you! Here are my favorites.

The 14,247 ads GoDaddy.com made with Danica Patrick in them.

So I just searched "Go Daddy 2010", and this is the picture that came up. I did not search "Danica Patrick Naked XXX Hot SexSex PORN BJ CHickSssS". Seriously, is GoDaddy even trying anymore? Now, I say that and then consider this statement. Trying what? They basically sell "DORKDORKDORK 0110101!!" to people. So that has to be an awkward conversation.

Client: So, how do we sell domain names and URL's to people as a sexy product?

Agency: Um. We could say that you guys are like...well we can tell people that they can buy URL's from you. I don't think most normal people who aren't the largest dorks on the planet even know what that is, though. Most people watching the game though probably only know how to buy porn on the internet. So maybe we should just go for that.

Client: We are a respectable company. We sell a great product at an affordable price.

Agency: Totally agree. Have you considered soft core porn with absolutely no payoff that involves chicks stripping down into t-shirts?

Client: Are you listening to a word we're saying?

Agency: No.

Client: SOLD! God you guys are good. Wait, what were we talking about again?

I would think these commercials were good, if they weren't written by nine year old guys who just figured out how to masturbate. Guys, don't worry, it gets better. You'll find out they make movies with full nudity. And it costs WAY less than 3 million dollars.

The Coke ad with a guy Living in a tent. In Africa. Who wants a coke. When he's tired and can't sleep. (?)

This one started great. I'm like, "Africa! This is awesome!" And don't get me wrong, more than half the commercial you're kind of thinking this is awesome.

And then, this is where this year's ads just confused me. It's like they had an idea and then someone was like, "Wait, Bill, this has nothing to do with anything" and he responded, "Yeah! IIII KNOOOOW! But he LOOOVES Coke! Right? I mean, am I right? So like, he just wants a coke!"

What?

When I'm tired and can't sleep, I drink something not containing "keep me up forever elixir" in it. I know, I know. Just me. But...wait, why does he need to be in Africa for this? Oh, because if he wasn't then he just woke up, walked over somewhere and got a Coke and we're all just really confused?

Oh, right.

Google making an advertisement. Just in general.

So a lot of people loved this one. Because it LOOKS like when you search things in google!

So here's the part I don't get.

Do they advertise for water? Do they advertise for taking out the trash? Because honestly? I'm pretty sure Google has become the equivalent of this on the internet: you just use it and it works. I don't really ask questions. I just figure Google is probably where I should go if I want to do "the internet", just in general. They already won. If someone made an advertisement for walking? Same thing to me. Great advice, I'm totally going to probably do that today. Maybe save those three million bucks on suggesting I do it.

Seriously, Google, you're in a pretty good position in the market. Considering people call searching for anything "Googling" shit, I'm pretty sure you can hold on to that three mil and maybe buy like, another multicolored golf cart or something. We're all a huge fan of you. Thanks for letting us know you're out there, though.

Bud Light making commercials written buy people who eat crayons.

I don't know who writes these. The funny thing is that they are probably very talented people. But I think they get to the Bud Light client, and realize that they could just suggest to them a guy farting and this would presumably be something that Bud Light would be interested in spending 3 million dollars on.

Client: We're trying to sell bud light, a poor tasting beer, to the people who already drink it. Any thoughts?

Agency: How about a guy farting. Or like, a guy who calls his friends, but sounds like a rap song that was popular in 2008.

Client: ...GO ON...

So out of all the things they could spend some cash on, Bud Light went with: guys talking to each other in T-Pain sounds, a guy who made a house out of bud light cans, people who watch meteors thinking they're gonna die so they want to party (novel), and how funny it'd be if you drank at a book club but then came up with zero jokes about this and just had a bunch of douchey guys drinking bud light.

Was the creative brainstorm held at Jimmy's totally rad 15th birthday party or that awesome "Bitches and Ho's" frat party?

I say this, and then realize I'm complaining about Bud Light targeting their demographic, while also realizing that if it were targeted to me it would probably just be a video of guys crying and complaining. Awkward.

Nevermind. You win, Bud Light.

The irony of all this is that my favorite commercial of all was the one where the Beaver's were playing fiddles, and I kind of liked the one where people were like human dolphins.

Oh, irony. You're a funny guy. I wish you'd stop sleeping on my couch.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.