The Space Needle Is Like An 8 Year Old Who's Bad At Soccer and Other Thoughts

Here are a few things that don't merit an entire post, which is funny, because that means I think talking about New Moon actually merits an entire anything. Moving on. Random thoughts. Annnd GO. The Space Needle Is Like An 8 Year Old Who's Bad At Soccer

I was just in Seattle this weekend for a bromance trip with a few friends I grew up with. Seeing as we wanted to do something other than "drink all day and strike out with girls", we decided to spend one afternoon gazing upon the Space Needle from a vista point (I love saying "vista point" because it sounds like a proper way of saying "a hill"). When we got to staring at it, it dawned on me: the Space Needle is really sad at this point in history. Here's why.

Think about other monuments: the Sphinx, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, etc. If you went and looked at any one of these? You'd say "hey, holy crap, that's amazing." The Space Needle? Not so much. First of all, there are other buildings that are taller than it at this point IN SEATTLE (okay maybe it just looks like it, but still). So that's awkward. So this says to me: Seattle is holding on to a memory. It's like your kid is the shittiest soccer player on his team, and you still have to go to his games and say, "stop picking on him, he's trying!" It's like the Space Needle is a piece of macaroni artwork that your kid made that you hang on the fridge...but Seattle's kid is 18 and they haven't taken the picture down yet. Maybe it's time to renovate the thing. To make it, you know, as awesome as the name "Space Needle." C'mon, Seattle. You're better than this.

For the record, I also just compared the Space Needle to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I'm aware this is an entirely unfair comparison. I don't care. It substantiated my argument, and that's all I ever care about anyway.

I'm Wearing 3,477 Shirts A Day If My Laundry Routine is Legit

I was on the phone with my friend tonight when she asked what I was doing. To which I responded, "Oh you know, doing my laundry." I then realized I had said this to her in the last 4,387 conversations we had. And it's not just her. I started thinking about it, I'm somehow ALWAYS doing the laundry. So here's my thought:

Either I'm wearing 14 pairs of pants a day along with 4 button ups and 19 t-shirts, or I've just decided to wash random things at random increments all day, every day, for no apparent reason. It's unreal. I just folded 6 t-shirts this evening and hung 4 sweatshirts. When did I find the time to wear these things in the past 12 hours that I've been home from Seattle? I confuse myself. I need to find more interesting things to do with my life. You know, like write about how I do the laundry too much. (....). Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on 6 pairs of socks.

The Muppet Babies was the creepiest television show of all time

This is a hold over from the last post, but I wanted to talk about this. Do you remember the show the muppet babies? Let me refresh your memory.

I know. Creepy as shit. Let me get this straight: the show's theme is that a bunch of baby muppets live in a basement that they are never let out of. Since this would get a little sad and depressing, they have no other choice but to imagine the places they could go if they weren't in child jail. From time to time, a woman who's face we never see walks in to check on them. Ummm.. this is a children's show? "Hey kids, if mom and dad never let you out of the room they lock you in, there's someone (and by someone we mean a small animal puppet) out there just like you! It's okay!"

This was my favorite show on television for much of my childhood.

The Targeted Advertising For The TV Shows That I Am Interested In Have Me Concerned About Myself

In the past few months, I began to take note of what is advertised to me during the television shows that I watch. Here's a general idea:

  • A commercial that tells me how to get all of that spam off my computer. (Translastion: we assume you do a lot of shady shit on your computer like visit porn sites)
  • A commercial asking me if there are any amazing inventions I've thought of that I should finally tell someone about. (Translation: you probably still smoke pot at the age of 27 and don't do too much with your life)
  • A commercial for tampons that help me if I don't "smell good" (Translation: I'm watching female programming, and beyond that, have gross private parts)
  • A commercial for ring tones I can get on my phone (Translation: Turn off MTV, Drew. Seriously. You're 27 and watching Jersey Shore or The Real World/Road Rules Challenge..which is in it's 18th season, buddy. Seriously. Stop.)

The scary thing is...I think they are basically hitting their demographic. I'm just disappointed that I'm it. It's like TV telling you to try a little harder, just doing it in the most passive aggressive way possible. Touché, television. Touché.

Here's Rocket Shoes Mixtape 16: If Doing Your Laundry Were An Olympic Sport, I'm Michael Phelps

You can download the whole thing here.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 16: If Doing Laundry Were An Olympic Sport, I'm Michael Phelps

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.