The Michael Phelps Conundrum

So I was reading yesterday that Michael Phelps is either dating Amanda Beard (american hot swimmer...who may or may not be hot, we have no idea. She could just be "hot" because most other female swimmers are not attractive, and we've seen her naked in playboy) or some British supermodel (and by supermodel I mean a girl who doesn't eat food). I use the term "reading" extremely loosely because I read this on Perez Hilton, which is the reading equivalent of looking at shapes and rocks and identifying what they are. Anyways. This got me thinking: what the hell is Michael Phelps to do right now? Think about it. Everyone on the planet right now has to recognize that Michael Phelps...at least for this red hot minute...is the greatest athlete alive. I mean, he just won 8 gold medals in a row. In a week. Who does that? I watched old episodes of 24 and drank with people. Which I have zero problem with, I just feel like maybe Michael Phelps is doing a little "better" on the God-O-Meter than I am. He has a pretty decent workout regiment going for him, seeing as he has zero percent body fat and it appears he does sit-ups. He just guaranteed himself he'd make a bazillion trillion dollars in endorsement money from any company that makes...things. Point being..

Michael Phelps could probably walk up to any girl on the planet right now, and he has at least a 99.9% chance of sleeping with her. He has a Wonka ticket right now to live with the Brad Pitt's and the Gylenhall's for a short glory run. What would you do? First of all...his first two options he's rumored to have gone with make it seem like he doesn't know what he's doing. It is obvious that he'd be hooking up with at least one other swimmer ("you swim? I SWIM! no WAY! we should do it!")...but a waif british supermodel? Weak sauce, Michael. I guess the question is: Does he just go out on a hook up rampage at bars, street corners, I mean...wherever with any and every remotely good looking woman he sees? Or does he just play the "aw shucks" card and try to cash in early with the HOTTEST woman he can find and go for monogamy. I know this sounds like a lame argument, but hear me out.

Doing every chick he ever sees would probably be awesome, sure.

Friend: "Hey Mike, what are you doing tonight?"

Michael Phelps: "Chicks. Really, really ridiculously good looking ones."

Now imagine this conversation happens EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE. That's kind of awesome. He would be legend...pure legend. And sure, people would catch on eventually and start John Mayer-ing him (that's an entirely different post) and calling him a man-whore, but no one in their right mind would really blame him. If everyone on the planet told you that you were the greatest person alive, you'd probably have the same mind set and do the same things. It's the obvious choice. The problem is, this wouldn't last. He swims professionally, which means he gets in a pool and everyone sees him go back and forth for 58 seconds once every four years. It's not like other athletes who you see every Sunday, or movie stars who always have a new movie out. He'd fade out of the limelight, and his quest for perma-hook up glory would be over all too soon. However..

If he's smart, he's going to assess the situation. Here's what you should do Michael: make a short list of the hottest, coolest women in your age bracket you can think of that you would want to date (good starting points are megan fox, scarlett johansson and my girlfriend...only because I'd enjoy the friendly competition with you and I'd also have a shot at ACTUALLY winning that battle, which would in turn quadruple my self esteem). Now cross off the ones that are dumb and/or not funny (dating a not funny girl is really fun, until you realize you have to talk to her every day and it turns out you hate her and think she's dumb). Now cross off the ones that like dumb things (like gelly shoes and the movie secrets of the ya ya sisterhood). Take this list, and call every one of them or have your agent do it. Did one of them want to go out with you too? Now you win at life, because instead of hooking up with every chick ever for a few months and then becoming old news, you now just secured a really hot chick who wants to hang out with you and do you beyond your Wonka grace period. It worked for Tom Brady and Justin Timberlake (I have no evidence of this whatsoever, I just assume everything I think in my mind is factual. It's just science).

In the meantime? Hook up with every woman in SIGHT in Beijing. Even ugly ones, it doesn't matter. You have the largest get out of jail free card in the history of mankind. Use it. You've earned it, you big-eared goon, you.

Michael Phelps, after realizing that every chick, ever, wants to do him

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.