The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (The Men Tell All Episode)

This week on The Bachelorette, the men were to allegedly "tell all."

That apparently meant that about 21 dude bros who got dumped on national television would tell you what you probably assumed: that they were bummed they got dumped on national television, and that they, "wouldn't have done it any differently" because that's what everyone says when they probably should have done it differently.

It was a terrible two hours of my life that I'd like back. Because I'm logical, I will instead waste a few more writing about what happened in it.

If watching The Bachelorette is like being desperate, going to a bar, getting drunk and finding the first possible person to sleep with without thinking about it, the "Men Tell All" episode is the person you wake up next to in the morning.

Here's what you missed.

Michael, the professional ex-alcoholic who wore his hair like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai way too often, didn't wear his hair like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai at the tell all to say to Emily, "Hey girl, I've changed."

Everyone still hates Kalon. Who saw that coming. 

In his first appearance since being kicked off the show for logically saying what everyone else was thinking (that Emily's daughter was baggage) but didn't say because they were trying to get laid by a hot blonde girl, a bunch of angry older women in the audience booed every time he came up. He apologizes to Emily, who doesn't accept his apology because she totally saw on Twitter that Kalon posted a picture at an airport baggage claim and said "I wonder if Emily's here" and wait, that's really funny. Good for you, Kalon. That's funny.

The host of the show tells Kalon he's a bad person, because he came on to the round robin marriage tournament show with the wrong intentions. To be clear, the host is a guy who is divorcing his wife, has been rumored to be hooking up with Emily, and is the host of a round-robin marriage tournament show. He should probably be judging people.

Everyone else takes turns telling him how bad of a guy he is, including the two dudes who used their child as bait on a national television show to get laid.

I miss Kalon's shallow heart.

Ryan, the guy who may or may not have starred in Sleeping With The Enemy, is hitting the fake tanner really hard. 

I mean, like, "Ashton Kutcher putting on brownface to be in an incredibly racially insensitive Pop Chips commercial" hard.

Beyond that, we're simply reminded that he was one of the only people on the show that any of us enjoyed watching, and he charms the pants off of every desperate housewife in the audience. Emily and him flirt for a bit, and we're all pretty sure that no matter who Emily picks in the end, they're going to get cheated on by Emily with this man. I can't wait.

The guy who came to the tell all with his girlfriend is probably pretty bummed that he is featured as "the only guy in the audience at a tell all for the show named 'The Bachelorette'" for a majority of the show.

I feel sorry for that guy. Next thing you know, he'll probably write 2,500 word write-ups about the show.

How embarrassing.

Travis, the guy who brought an ostrich egg on a national television show to symbolize love, apparently made Emily sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to the egg but they cut that scene because they hate us. Read that back, I'll give you a minute.

The only way you could kill your chances of getting laid any faster would be tattooing "I have herpes" on your forehead. Or, you know, bringing an ostrich egg on a national television show to symbolize love.

Chris, the guy who looked like Gerard Butler, is angry at everyone and is so heartbroken that he is sleeping with every person who also used to be on The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Gerard spends the majority of the episode being really angry at everyone and telling them how mature he is. Sleeping with the Enemy spends a great deal of time making fun of Gerard, and we all wish he was making Emily not feel safe at night on the television show still.

We find out that Gerard will be on the show The Bachelor Pad, a spinoff show where people who lost the other round robin marriage tournaments live together to have casual sex and win money, because they figured now that they lost most of their dignity they may as well throw away whatever was left of it.

Obviously, I paused the episode to program a season pass to it on my DVR immediately.

The preview indicates that Gerard sleeps with at least three people on the show, because he's devastated about Emily, and everyone else just spends the rest of the time blasting their bi's and tri's.

Also? Gerard got a helicopter ride, too. Take that, Sean and Emily.

The guy who was heartbroken about leaving his child to go on national television and left the show because of it left his child to go on national television again on The Bachelor Pad. 

Because if you can't follow through with psychologically damaging your child the first go-round, try, try again.

Every woman in the world wants to sleep with Sean. 

Including Emily still. That must be comforting for whoever wins the show.

Doug has a full back tattoo.

And when he looks at it? Oh, he knows he made the right choice.

And finally…

Emily reveals in the credits that she is a cat lady who hates chihuahuas.

Fuck you, Emily. From the bottom of my hetero "I am the emergency contact for my girlfriend's chihuahua" heart.

Fuck you.

I miss Jef with one F's hair.

The finale is on Sunday. I'm sorry this recap was terrible, it's the best I could do.

See you next week.

 

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 63: I am the emergency contact for a chihuahua.

Stream the whole thing right here.

Or.

Download the whole thing right here.

 

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.