The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 8)

Episode 8: I'd love to meet your family, judge the shit out of you based on them and then dump you if I didn't like them. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to 4 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

Doug, the guy who was probably gay.

and Wolf, because Gerard Butler totally bro-fouled him and it turns out his nickname is just "Wolf" because his last name is Wolfner, so who cares about him anyway.

Emily and the guys travelled to Prague, where Emily and Jef with one F played with dolls and Arie came clean about previously doing one of Emily's friends. Main takeaways from the episode were:

Doug, the guy who I presumed was using his child as bait to get laid before I realized he's probably gay, is probably gay and was eliminated accordingly.

Chris, the guy who looks like Gerard Butler, is emotionally unstable and is not handling Emily dating other guys well, because he came on a show where the girl you date dates everyone else that you know. Like, it's in a legally signed contract that she has to do so. So who saw that coming.

- Jef with one F, the guy who saves all of the African children yet can't spell his name correctly, is sneakily hipster-charming the pants off of a sorority girl from the south. It's like watching an elephant and a snow leopard fall in love. Wildly fascinating.

This week it's time for hometowns, where Emily visits each dude-bro where they grew up, meets his family, judges them and decides on three out of the four that she'd like to marry the most after knowing them on television for three months. Previews indicate that Arie the wet blanket is, in fact, a race car driver, and that Jef with one F is doing really well in the water for African's non-profit sector.

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General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of Emily seeing her daughter Ricki after being away on 4,298 vacations for the past ever. She holds her on the stairs and I'm terrified she's going to drop her, and I'm wondering if I can call child services but then realize that I'd have to start the conversation with, "Hey, I'm watching a television show about a woman who wants to get married so she is going to have a round robin tournament squaring off 25 men against each other, and she's holding her daughter on the stairs and…hello? Are you still there?"

Ricki's got sweet braids that she probably hasn't taken out since Bermuda, and I just hope she's washing her hair.

I then realize I'm posting pictures of a child on the internet and criticizing her, and I worry about whether or not I am a good person, until I swiftly realize that: I'm not, it's okay, that's funny.

We then get a rundown of why she's excited to see each of the remaining four dude-bros.

She's excited to see Gerard Butler because they had a killer connection. This is signified by the time that, when he did not know her at all, he brought her a true-to-life bobble head doll of her, which is what you do when you don't know someone but want to form a killer connection with them and/or get arrested.

She's excited to see Jef with one F because he has an edge to him and she likes that. To signify his edge, we see him playing with dolls.

She's exicited to see Arie because he, too, has a bad boy edge. To signify this, we see him gently touch her knee effeminately.

And of course, she's excited to see Sean because she cares about him a lot. To signify this, we see her stroke his biceps a few times.

Before she goes to bed, she looks through the blinds, and I just assume it's to see if Ryan, the previously eliminated guy who probably hides in bushes and acts like Mark Whalberg in the film Fear, was hiding in the bushes. A fear she will probably now understandably live with for the rest of her life.

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Hometown #1: Gerard Butler is from Chicago, and he really wants you to know he's Polish. 

In Chicago, Emily sneaks up on Gerard Butler and they giggle like giggle monsters. He says, "don't scare me like that!" in a really effeminate way, and I wonder how he handled the Goosebumps book series as a child.

When asked to describe his family, Gerard Butler says that on a scale of one to Polish, they're Polish, as opposed to an 8, or say an 8.5.

Emily talks about how Gerard knows all the cool places to take her, and immediately after her statement they go to a log cabin polish restaurant that looks like it's going out of business in a week.

Before they go to meet his family back at his house, he tells her that his mom is overly emotional. Emily says "I love that!" and absolutely zero people in the world are surprised.

We go to commercial break, and there is an Applebee's commercial with a black chef casually hanging out on a farm, and I want to be in the room that cast and conceived this commercial so very much.

Ad Guy: "Americans want to see black people. But not doing black people things. They want to see black people doing white people things. I'VE GOT IT: black guy holding a tomato in a farm, in his chef's outfit…wait for it…talking about APPLEBEE'S. Boom. See you in Cannes, motherfuckers."

Moving on.

We get to the house and meet Gerard's family, including his father who has a thick Polish accent and sounds like he could be a terrorist in any 1980's Bruce Willis film, but only a sequel.

Emily casually plays with her hair at the dinner table, because she's not a blonde cliche.

Gerard's father asks Emily if he can speak with her and oddly takes her into a basement, where he's either going to talk about his son's feelings or ask her if she's ever done any adult film acting before.

Emily asks Gerard's father if he thinks Gerard is ready to take care of her six year old daughter. The terrorist says "he'll do his best" which is, no doubt, reassuring.

Emily then sits with his sister, who has that look on her face that says, "Fuck you, you pretty bitch. Why should you get a television show? I am just as good looking."

Throughout all of the talks, there is a lot of soft guitar music. Because in people's hometowns? It's all about soft guitar music.

At the end of dinner, Gerard tells her that he is in love with her. He says that the kiss they shared after is a completeness, which is signified by his interlocked fingers.

They go back inside for a surprise Polish party, because you can't say that on a scale of one to Polish, your family is Polish without a strong Polish party follow through.

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Hometown #2: My name is Jef with one F, and let me tell you, the African child water business is doing well. 

Before we get to Jef with one F's segment, I immediately research the city he grew up in. The internet tells me that St. George, Utah is the second most expensive place to live in Utah behind Park City, so it looks like those African children one F's been helping are in luck.

As we drive up, Jef with one F casually mentions that his family owns a ranch that sprawls a few hundred acres. NBD.

Going around the "few hundred acre" property, the whole vague career path of "entrepreneur" becomes a bit more clear, because it's easier to start a global non-profit charity when you are made of one billion trillion dollars.

At this point, Jef with one F immediately proves why he's not to be fucked with in this competition, as he reads situations well and goes total white trash on Emily by first going extreme dune buggie driving…

…followed by a light skeet shooting session with shotguns, all while still casually wearing skinny jeans with perfectly coifed hair.

Jef with one F then drops a "Nailed It!" a la San Franciso Giants Closer Brian Wilson and I don't really care if he wins anymore, I just want to know if he wants to hang out this weekend.

When they begin to discuss his family, we start to tee up the inevitable Mormon jokes that we were all just waiting to make. He mentions about 14 brothers and sisters on the premises that they'll meet, yet his parents couldn't make it because they're at a "charity thing" in South Carolina, which means they're doing crazy Mormon shit.

As we walk up to the people we were promised, it's starting to look more and more "Children of God" by the minute. One of the daughters takes this time to get real weird for the camera.

We go to commercial break, and right before they come back there is a bottled water commercial that isn't Jef's bottled water. Somewhere, an African child is crying and not receiving a bottle of water.

We are formally introduced at lunch to "Brother Steve", who has a real creepy cult leader look to him.

Again, as if I'm willing it to happen, he asks everyone to drink the lemonade he's poured them. If Emily wakes up next to chanting people with candles in a barn, no one would be shocked.

Emily then sits down with Jef's "sisters." One "sister" isn't blonde, and I think we all know that she is probably getting murdered for breaking the rules immediately following this talk with "Brother Steve."

Back at the picnic tables, One F gets a little handsy. He's a bad boy, ladies. That's what you gotta be when you're livin' on the one F edge.

He takes Emily to a sunset and wants to read her words he wrote when he was flying home from Prague. It's so douchey, but I'm only saying that because i'm jealous and know that every girl across America is just eating this up.

He drops the L bomb, and it's somehow not entirely wet blanket-ish and I have to believe he's in the lead in the shotgun marriage tournament.

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Hometown #3: Arie from Phoenix wants you to know that his Mother is a terrible person whose face hasn't moved, maybe ever. 

Arie wastes no time this week and jumps right into wet blanket mode, eating Emily's face immediately.

It's been a few episodes since they've shown us a duck, so thank God, they show us a duck.

They go to hang out at a lake in Phoenix on the grass, both of which are no doubt natural, just like the way Arie kisses.

Arie tells Emily that his mom is a terrible European person who DOES NOT LIKE AMERICAN GIRL. It might explain why he's a wet blanket, because he presumably never got attention as a child.

They go to meet his family at their gigantic home (so you know he's still in this), and his family seems cold and terrible.

His mother's face doesn't move, and she sounds an awful lot like she is a terrorist as well. She begins to speak in Dutch with Arie while Emily just sits there, and it's awkward. She then asks Emily if they can speak privately.

To Mom Whose Face Doesn't Move's credit, she asks a question I'm shocked hasn't come up yet: why her previous television engagement didn't work out that she, herself, watched on television. She then talks funny, and says that she is, "sinkingggg zat zee engagements are for zee finality of it, no?"

Emily asks M.W.F.D.M. if she thinks Arie could balance his life between auto racing and her, and M.W.F.D.M. says, "zat's hard to aNNNNser because it is REEEEELY hard." Which makes absolutely no sense.

Outside, Arie has to get in at least one wet blanket statement and tells his father that he could definitely propose to Emily and that he's ready to do it right now.

Then, Arie and Emily make out, and it becomes clear that they didn't fire the lighting guy whose only job was to make sure things were properly lit.

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Hometown #4: I'm Sean from Dallas, and I'm not sure who I am but I know that I love to get aggressive with my tongue. 

In Dallas, Sean takes Emily to wear the ducks are, because Emily loves the ducks.

He picks her flowers, and then looks at them like he doesn't know what they are.

Sean may or may not be dumb as a board.

I'd really like Sean to start taking his sunglasses places.

They make out, and Sean continues his quest to use all of his tongue in her mouth, all of the time.

Back at home, Sean drops a bomb on Emily and tells her that he still lives at home, because he chooses to. We see his messy room and he shows her all of the stuffed animals that he has that are named really effeminate things.

Emily proceeds to say that she now has zero interest in him, because as the tabloids have noted, she's a bit of a star-fucker who also only dates guys who are incredibly rich. He tells her he's kidding, that he does not in fact live at home, and Emily says in her interview that Sean doesn't hear, "Nevermind! Sorry America, just joshin'!"

They have a meal with his parents, and no one says anything notable, but I will say that I like Sean's father more than most people on the show, and Emily should probably just go after him.

Emily drives off after the meal, and because we can't have an episode where Sean doesn't act like a big dumb animal at least once, he runs after the car and does the Sean "EMILLYYYY" thing, and they make out.

I'm over Sean. Where the fuck is Jef with one F.

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Time for me to give one of you emotional issues for the rest of your life when I tell you that I don't like you or your family. 

Back at the rose ceremony, Emily looks exactly like the last bachelorette, Ali Fedotowsky, because this show wants to make sure they aren't just rolling out a bunch of fembots who are entirely interchangeable.

For the first time, I realize that Jef with one F is shockingly shorter than everyone else, and that in some ways, this explains his choice of hairstyle.

I notice that Jef with one F and I own the same tie, and okay I'll stop. I'm sorry, I know. This is getting gross.

(One F: Call me.)

Without a lot of buildup, Emily eliminates Gerard Butler, who goes into full psycho mode again and basically verbally abuses her for dumping him, because he wants to reassure everyone that he's pretty stable.

On the limo ride home, he says that he's ten times the man as all of the men left.

But, c'mon, Gerard. Take one last look at this picture.

You're not really fooling anyone, bud.

ELIMINATED:

Gerard Butler, the guy whose family was Polish on a scale of one to Polish.

FRONTRUNNER:

Jef with one F, because I say so.

See you next week, everyone. Happy 'merica.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.