The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 6)

Episode 6: I want to fall in love where the cats fall in love. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to 8 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

Kalon, the guy who called her daughter baggage (which she is).

and Allejandro, the only token remaining who was so uninteresting it was painful.

Emily and the guys travelled to London, where she got really mad at Kalon for pointing out that she has a lot of baggage that any guy would probably inherit if he were to win her hand in marriage on a television show. The key takeaways from a mostly boring episode were:

- Sean, the guy who is probably going to win the show, is probably going to win the show because he is probably going to win the show.

Arie, the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did, has moved from "maybe a wet blanket" to "stage five clinger."

- Jef with one F, the guy who saves all of the Africans, is surprisingly smooth for a guy from Utah.

This week we're off to Croatia, the one place in Eastern Europe that rich people are cool with going to because you don't die there like everywhere else in horror movies located in Eastern Europe. Previews dictate that things are gonna get pretty intense, but from what I've learned that usually just means we'll probably go for a walk on a street (which will in turn be the best date of someone's life) and Emily will probably be stoked that a guy works out. One-on-one's this week are with Ryan, the guy who may or may not have starred in the film Sleeping with the Enemy, and Travis, the guy who thought it was a good idea to bring an ostrich egg on national television to symbolize how serious he is about falling in love.

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General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of a feral cat on a crumbled wall, hammering home the fact that Croatia is an up and coming place to vacation.

Emily says she's so excited about being in Croatia, because, "it's like being in a different world." Which is what a lot of countries that aren't the one you live in feel like, and therefore why you travel to them.

Ricki will not be joining us in Croatia (the first time she has not been on the show), because Emily wants to hammer home that what Kalon said about her daughter being baggage in no way affected her. It's a shame, because there are tons of cats in Croatia and I bet Ricki would have been pretty stoked about that.

Jef with one F feels like this is the perfect place to fall in love, which every guy says about every place they have ever been on the show. You could honestly take them to a Chuck E Cheese in Mexico and they would say that it was the perfect place to fall in love.

Travis, the guy who brought the ostrich egg, gets the first date and to signify how excited he is, ABC shows us a shot of him putting on his shirt so we can see his killer bod, because this is a show about finding true love.

I make a critical analysis of how much I dislike the jeans Travis is wearing, much like I did when looking at Sean's last week, because i'm just a heterosexual guy watching The Bachelorette.

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In Croatia, if you can balance on a rock and take your clothes off you'll fall in love. No, seriously. 

Emily and Travis go on a date and (wait for it) it's the best date of his life.

They come across a thing called the balancing stone, which is a rock that appears to be out of the film Labyrinth.

If you can stand on it and take your shirt off, you will fall in love. Either producers made this up or people in Croatia just make up things about their heritage when they've had too much to drink.

Travis has trouble standing on the rock and then says, trying to find a way to balance, that "there's one more hole up here" he can grab and I'm really upset that Emily doesn't say "that's what she said."

Emily is bummed that Travis didn't take his shirt off, because she "wants to see what's underneath that shirt" because she's looking for a good father figure for her daughter, Ricki.

They walk around a corner and a weird dude in an alley plays some Croatian guitar while they dance awkwardly.

At this point, it's actually sort of debatable if we are, in fact, in the film Labyrinth, a movie about a girl who is obsessed with a child she has to find in a maze because she's also a pretty pretty princess.

Back at the house, Sleeping with the Enemy talks about how Emily likes him because he has an edge to him while wearing a women's tank top.

He says he misses the mean man inside of him who used to come out on the football field, and then presumably goes to text Chris Brown offscreen to ask if there's any great places to hit women in Dubrovnik.

Sleeping with the Enemy then finds out he'll have the next one-on-one date and says that he can manipulate any romantic situation with any woman, and at this point I'm not even mad at how terrible of a person he is, I'm just borderline impressed.

Because he's actually a good person who seems to genuinely care about her, Emily does not consider dating Travis and in turn does not give him a rose. That is actually how the real world works, so I'm okay with this. She says "I could pin this rose on you," but all all I hear is "penis rose on you" because i'm eight years old.

For dramatic effect, Travis walks into the rain and throws his umbrella because he's the saddest. He cries a lot so that when women meet him out at bars from now on, he'll be the sensitive guy who cried when he got rejected on The Bachelorette and that will in turn get him laid.

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The Bachelorette is brought to you by Brave, a movie made by a company that is owned by Disney which owns ABC which owns The Bachelorette. 

Before the group date, we are shown another depressed stray cat in Croatia, because seriously guys, there are tons of stray cats in Croatia.

They are going to watch the movie Brave, a movie made by Pixar which is owned by Disney which owns ABC which owns The Bachelorette and oh I see what you did there.

They all sit in a balcony in what appears to be uncomfortable stools and watch and talk about the film while relating it to their lives, because they're going for a girl and in the movie guys are going for a girl and it's brought to you by Pixar and Disney and ABC, which owns The Bachelorette.

Gerard Butler's face tells us that he can't wait to see what happens next.

We find out that, just like in the film Brave, the guys are going to do a bunch of manly challenges to vie for Emily's hand because she's a pretty pretty princess. The film is based in Scotland, which is about 1,500 miles away from Croatia and is absolutely nothing like it culturally, so it's sort of akin to going to Japan and eating a Cheeseburger.

The guys change into their kilts for the challenge, and we get to see a ton of man junk.

There is another shot of a stray cat.

At the challenge, everyone makes fun of Gerard Butler because he's terrible at every event and when he shoots a bow and arrow he puts his butt out.

Doug and Gerard do a tug of war thing and Doug makes some weird faces.

Sean is very attractive and muscular and he's the best and he's the dreamiest. That's about all that happens.

Emily gives Gerard Butler the bravery cup (which is sponsored by the film Brave, in theaters June 22nd) for being the worst at everything. They make out in a blanket and there is a double rainbow because love is real and magic is in the air.

We go and drink after the competition like we do every time.

Arie the wet blanket talks about how freaked out he is because he hasn't seen Emily since London even though he's been with her all day, so nothing wet blanket-y about that statement.

He goes for a walk with her and eats her face against a wall.

Arie seems like the kind of guy who would stop in the middle of sex, stare at a girl, smile and say, "hi."

Back at home, Sleeping with the Enemy talks about how awesome he is and how he wakes up every day, looks in the mirror and says, "who do you want to be today?" something that he says most men do not do. Most men also don't lock women in closets, Ryan. But, hey. Tomato/Tomahto.

Emily sits down with Jef with one F and tells him that he was awesome at the competition today, to which he says, "so were you," even though she didn't do anything at it and it's exactly like that awkward moment where you tell the person who sold you the movie ticket to enjoy the show all over again.

He looks off into the distance, probably concerned about Africa.

They have absolutely no chemistry and talk about how much chemistry they have for a long time. While kissing her he says, "can i tell you a secret? i'm crazy about you." I start to wonder why I never just started a charity for Africa if you can say shit like this and get away with it.

Gerard Butler wins the rose for the night for being The Biggest Loser at the competition and ABC is probably bummed that it doesn't own that show so that it can cross-promote it like Brave, coming to theaters this June 22nd.

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I can't tell if Ryan thinks I'm just a trophy wife to be had or not because he's being vague about it. 

Sleeping with the Enemy and Emily go on a date fishing for oysters, because the date card said "the world is our oyster." Get it?

When they eat an oyster and Emily wants to spit it out, Sleeping with the Enemy angrily yells at her to swallow it, which is something I'm sure he's never yelled condescendingly at a woman before.

He says about 4,208 times that she is a future trophy wife and says about 4,208 other condescending things to her as well.

Emily said that if she knew one way or the other that Ryan wasn't just some guy who was looking for a trophy wife that it'd be easier to make a decision. Which is weird, because he's called her a trophy wife 4,208 times and has stated repeatedly that it's something his wife will be.

They go to have dinner, where he pulls out an arbitrary list of 12 adjectives he looked up in the dictionary that define the woman he wants to be with that he wrote down. She tells him that since a family isn't on the list, she can't give him the rose, and he begins to make Chris Brown face telling her that she's making a mistake and that she'll regret it and I'm just waiting for the backhand to fly up.

Before we find out if she's going to give in to Sleeping with the Enemy emotionally beating her into submission until she changes her mind, we are shown another stray cat.

Back at home, the guys all weigh in on whether or not they think Emily will give Sleeping with the Enemy a rose, and every guy pretty much says yes because they are realistic and all know that deep down, Emily is probably going to pick an asshole that treats her horribly because she's a wildly predictable hot girl. Then Arie the wet blanket says he doesn't think she will because he trusts her. Gerard Butler rolls his eyes because this is the biggest douchebag statement ever.

Back to Emily. She says that while Sleeping with the Enemy has said things that made her feel terrible (a quality you're definitely looking for in someone to marry, and/or date and/or know), he's good looking so this decision is hard. She then says that this is the first time she just hasn't known about a guy, which is weird because she was just in a failed engagement less than a year ago. She doesn't give Ryan the rose, and we are officially out of interesting people to watch weekly.

On the car ride home, Ryan freaks out that they are going to edit him to look like an asshole, which is weird because he was an asshole the entire time and I don't think there is a "make him not say all the asshole things" button in Final Cut Pro. I am wildly surprised that he doesn't threaten the guy filming him in the car, because that'd just be par for the course at this point really.

There is another shot of a cat.

Arie the wet blanket sneaks over to Emily's place so that he can say a bunch of wet blanket stuff to her and eat her face some more. He slurps so much when he kisses her that I feel like I'm in the back row of a movie theater in high school.

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Doug, seriously. This is out of control. 

Back at the rose ceremony, Emily feels like she needs to figure out if she actually likes Wolf or Doug at all, so she spends some quality time with them.

She feels like she doesn't know if Wolf is into her, so he shows her mementos of his dead grandparents that he keeps in his wallet and cries to show her that he's sensitive.

I have no idea what this has to do with them being into each other, but it jedi mind trick's Emily's very small brain and she decides that this means they are into each other.

Doug and Emily sit down to catch up and Doug is so awkward with her that OKAY, SERIOUSLY. Doug is gay, can we just come out with this already? The guy is so awkward around her that I feel uncomfortable, like i'm being forced to watch the first time I tried to touch a girl's breast. It's that bad, but the difference is Doug is grown man. Let's just call a spade a spade and be clear that Doug just probably doesn't like girls, and maybe it's time for him to not be on the "like girls enough to marry them" show.

He then cries about missing his "son" and looks like a little kid who got a boo-boo.

She doesn't eliminate anyone, and that makes me want to cry because I was promised that someone would be eliminated and now I'm making the boo-boo face on my couch, writing a 2,000 word essay about the eighth season of a show called The Bachelorette at the age of 30.

ELIMINATED:

Ryan, the guy who probably beats women.

and Travis, because he brought an ostrich egg on a national television show to symbolize love.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Doug, because he is gay. Like, actually gay.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because he hasn't really done anything wrong yet.

and Sean, because he is pretty much 100% the guy who is going to win.

See you next week, everyone.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.