The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 5)

Episode 5: I can't believe you said I have baggage just because I have a six year old daughter, one previous marriage and a failed engagement which occurred within the last calendar year. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to 10 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

The Last Samurai, the guy who looked like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai.

Nate, the accountant who can't talk about it right now.

and Hulk Charlie, who SO ANGRY CHARLIE GOT ELIMINATED.

Emily and the guys travelled to Bermuda with her daughter who she doesn't want them to meet. The key takeaways from the episode:

Doug, the guy who is using his child as bait to get laid, may or may not be gay because he can't pull the trigger and seems to get weird when it comes time to (which I don't mean in a derogatory way, I just actually think he likes dudes, which means that going on a show not featuring making out with a dude was a poor life choice and probably kind of a waste of time).

- Arie, the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did, might be a bit of a wet blanket. I say this because he's a ginormous wet blanket who says how much he misses Emily every time he sees her, even though I'm fairly certain they are contractually obligated to see each other every day for 23 of the 24 hours of its duration. He's nice and all, but ease up, man. I'm not even the girl you're trying to sleep with and I'd like a little space.

- Ryan, the football player, may or may not have starred in the film Sleeping With The Enemy and takes any chance he can to bring back the good old days when women were in the kitchen and DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT OR YOU'LL GO BACK IN YOUR ROOM, WOMAN. DO YOU WANT THAT? AND YOU KNOW I HATE MEATLOAF. He wants to be the next bachelor, which i'm not totally against, because at least it would be more interesting than watching this middle school dance.

- Chris (Gerard Butler) and Doug hate each other, but who cares, neither is winning and unless someone throws a punch it's sort of like seeing a middle sibling fight with the youngest in the family: no one cares.

This week we're off to London. We've been promised that someone calls Emily's daughter/life baggage and that she's going to eliminate them for basically saying what everyone is thinking, like someone saying "you farted" and you not admitting it and getting angry instead. One-on-one's this week are with Sean, the guy who's probably going to win, and Jef with one F, the entrepreneur who saves all of the Africans yet doesn't know how to spell his own name correctly.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with shots of cliche london, because we are not in the south anymore so there are no ducks or horses.

Emily notifies us that she's excited to have Ricki here with her, because she says the same formulaic thing in every episode and that is in no way boring.

The dude bros meet up with our host who informs them that Emily is well on her way to falling in love. So, basically, imagine you and your friend like the same person, and their friend called to say, "Thanks for your time ladies, I'd like to inform you that Steve is well on his way to making an informed decision about who he would like to sleep with, just an FYI. Have a good day."

Wolf and Gerard Butler got haircuts, because we've been on the show for what is probably about three weeks so that's necessary.

Back at the hotel, Arie raves about how amazing the view is. The view is of a back alley, which is, in fact, a terrible view.

Jef with one F is the cliche guy who says "If there is ever a time to step it up, it's this week," because I'm fairly certain one guy has to say this per week. Just to clear this up: wouldn't every day on a round robin elimination dating show be a pretty good day to step it up? Just sayin'.

Ryan says more scary Sleeping With The Enemy shit about how this trip will be great for HIM AND EMILY. NO ONE ELSE.

Sean gets the first one-on-one, and while I really like him and really do think he's going to win, I find the wash of his jeans highly questionable.

Kalon says the hardest thing for him is not having control in a situation, and all I can think about is Patrick Bateman in the business card scene in American Psycho.

--

Let's go on a boring date around London, because this show isn't even trying anymore. 

Emily and Sean go on a one-on-one date around London on their own private double decker famous London tourist bus. This is the equivalent of someone picking you up for a date in your own private Ride the Ducks tour, which is to say "not that great."

Sean yells on top of the bus "LONDONNNN!" He is also the guy who was in Bermuda and yelled "BERMUDAAA!"

Emily claps at him and says "yayyy!" like she's talking to her daughter or a six year old person in general.

Emily says she is excited about her date for Sean because he is good looking. This has been her answer for why she likes three guys now. So, she's definitely in this for a good father figure, no doubt about that.

Back at the hotel, Kalon states to Arie and Jef with one F that if he's picked for the group date, it's no big deal, because let's be real: every day with Emily will be a group date with her and her daughter if she picks you as the winner. Everyone gets angry at Kalon, because he keeps saying everything that everyone is thinking yet cannot say because then they can't have sex with Emily.

Sean and Emily sit in a field, and she says she likes him because he has muscles, is a good guy but not the type that's ugly or uninteresting. Sean really wishes he had sunglasses, but he's too good looking, even for the sun.

I begin to develop a strong man crush on Sean, because he's not that bad of a guy, and I know this because I'm watching carefully curated edits of his life on a television show called The Bachelorette.

Since the date card Sean received from Emily said "Love takes no prisoners," they go on a dinner date at a prison. Get it? Because love takes no prisoners, and prisoners live in a prison. Just to make sure we're all on the same page, Emily tells us that love, in fact, takes no prisoners.

Emily twirls her hair, and my head almost explodes.

Today was the best day of Sean's life, but I'm okay with it because the best day of Doug's life was spent perfume shopping so hey, it could be worse.

Emily says, "As you know, I have a six year old daughter" (glad we cleared that up). She then goes on to say that she doesn't want to rush things, but she wants around 6 to 10 children more, which is rushing things because this is their first date. In any other scenario of life, if a woman said this at a dinner table, no one would fault you for throwing the table over like an action movie and running. No one.

Sean gets the rose, because he's the best and even I would twirl my receding hairline at him.

--

We're in England and Shakespeare was like, from here and let's say lines from Romeo and Juliet together. 

On the group date, the dude bros have to perform Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet with Emily because she is a pretty pretty princess.

Four guys get to be Romeo, Kalon being one of them. He is very serious about his performance, and tells Emily to run along while actually gesturing for her to run along so that he can learn his lines, which is amazingly awesome and condescending.

They put on their costumes for the show. Sleeping With The Enemy takes about 22 pointed shots at Arie, because those two hate each other and it's my favorite.

Arie's voice sounds like Tiger Woods, which is funny because a white guy sounds like a black guy who sounds like a white guy.

If Alejandro doesn't make it on this show, he could definitely play Aladdin at any major Disney theme park because I'm racist.

They perform a bunch of boring scenes from the play as a bunch of British people with horrible teeth watch them.

Sleeping With The Enemy takes at least nine more shots at Arie. Arie responds by saying that if Shakespeare were still alive, he would say to Sleeping With The Enemy that, "Thouest Suck." Sweet burn, Arie.

After the play, they go somewhere to drink, and the guys take turns hanging out with Emily.

Emily calls Sleeping With The Enemy trouble. Sleeping With The Enemy says that, in his experience, when a girl says "you're trouble" it means she wants to get into some trouble. How many times in Ryan's life do you think he's said that "she was asking for it"? Ballpark?

At this point, every guy on the show starts talking about how Kalon said that Emily's daughter/past life was baggage. To be fair, having a six year old daughter, a previous marriage and a previous failed engagement that occurred within the past year is the textbook definition of baggage.

Doug, who probably was that kid everyone hated in elementary school because he told on everyone, tells Emily about Kalon, and Emily grows furious. Emily wants to go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass. No one has any idea what this means.

Emily goes out to the guys, cries, and tells Kalon he's an asshole for what he said and then kicks him off the show. I'm furious, because Kalon is just about the only interesting thing we have left on this show.

Emily tells the guys she wants to be alone for a while, because she can't believe that someone called out her baggage which she's brought on national television. I hear that, sister. She goes on to say that she can't believe that no one stood up for her, so no one gets a rose tonight. She reiterates how angry she is that no one told her, and girls, this is why guys have trouble sometimes: Doug told you, Emily. No, seriously: Doug told you.

Emily then goes home to see her daughter before her one-on-one with Jef with one F and asks her what her favorite thing she's seen in London is. Ricki responds The Brickingham Palace, because the King and the Dragon live there. It's startling how  uncertain Emily looks when she tells her that she is, in fact, incorrect.

--

Let's go on an etiquette date and oh my god this episode is terrible. It is fucking terrible. 

Emily and Jef with one F go on a one-on-one date and learn etiquette. I search my kitchen for any form of alcohol. Sadly, there is none.

They go on to some pub and Jef with one F tells her that if Ricki is baggage like Kalon said? Ricki is a Chloe handbag or maybe a vintage Louis Voutton. I hate him only because it's a douchey comment that I totally respect. Jef with one F knows what he's doing, even if he's sort of a douche.

They go to eat dessert in the London Eye, and Jef with one F brings some pretty legit a-game and drops a pretty great line: "I just want someone to share the details with." I'm pretty sure that if Jef with one F loses this show, he's going to have his pick of girls that aren't even born yet in any city, in any country, ever. Smooth talker, that African baby saver.

They do not eat their dessert, because this show is just like an action movie where the characters never do logical things like eat or go to the bathroom.

Jef with one F gets the rose, and we have no doubt in our minds that it's a three man race at this point between him, Arie the wet blanket and Sean, the guy who is going to win the show.

--

I'm through talking about the baggage thing, WHY AREN'T YOU TALKING TO ME MORE ABOUT IT?

Back at the rose ceremony, Wolf is wearing colored chinos because colored chinos and denim are so hot right now, just like chevron.

He may or may not also have a black eye.

Arie and Emily sit and talk about how disappointed she is that no one had her back when she kicked Kalon off the show. Emily says that she doesn't even wanna talk about it anymore, and then talks about it more. Arie makes the wet blanket voice a bunch, and I'm becoming less and less a fan of him.

Sleeping With The Enemy does some suave shit while still being Sleeping With The Enemy-ish. Emily states that she's mad at herself for saying it, but she's finding herself liking him more and more. You know, like every abuse victim ever. Rihanna, give Emily your phone number because you guys have tons to talk about.

ELIMINATED:

Kalon, the guy who called her daughter and life a ton of baggage, because it is.

Alejandro, the only token remaining who was so uninteresting it was painful.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Everyone on the show, because this was the worst episode ever.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because he fed Emily a line better than most men ever dream of saying and I hate him for it.

and Sean, because he is pretty much 100% the guy who is going to win.

See you next week, everyone.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.