The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 4)

Episode 4: I hate to watch guys compete, so I went on a gameshow where 25 guys compete for me, specifically.

Where We Left Off

We're down to 13 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

MC N*SYNC, the guy who probably had a coke problem and looked like a member of the group N*SYNC, if that wasn't clear.

Allesandro, the guy who called himself a gypsy king and was being totally serious/told her that her daughter was a compromise, which she absolutely is.

and Tony, one of the guys who was using his child as bait to get laid.

Emily made the guys hang out with all of her best friends and one Indian woman that she doesn't know so that she could find out who was a good guy. She went on one-on-one dates with Arie (the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did for a living) and Gerard Butler, who is too young because he is 25 and she is 26 and idolizes people who wear costumes for a living. She has begun to make out with at least two of the guys, so if this is like middle school some guy in the next few episodes will probably go for a boob grab, get denied and tell everyone else that he was not, in fact, denied. This week, Emily and the dude-bros are traveling to Bermuda. Our one-on-ones are with Doug, The (now only) father who is using his child as bait to get laid and a two-on-one with Nate the accountant and Wolf, the guy whose nickname was probably self-appointed.

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of ducks, because we've already seen tons of horses and they want us to know that the south isn't just about horses. It's about ducks, too.

We're back at the house of the bros to hear that we're going to Bermuda. Michael, the guy who looks like The Last Samurai, is wearing a yellow headband, the kind that girls wear while they wash their faces at night.

Everyone bros out and high fives, because they are competing to sleep with the same woman and they want the other one to know that they're pumped about it.

Sidenote: Can you imagine the flight over to Bermuda? What do these guys talk about? Did someone have to get a middle seat, even if the flight was chartered? I imagine last samurai just listened to self help audio books while Allejandro (the guy who is a mushroom farmer, which is sort of like saying unemployed/into recreational drugs) listened to ambient techno the entire flight over. Hulk Charlie probably just kept saying to himself, "HULK HATE AIRPLANE. HULK AFRAID HULK GET ANGRY AND GET TOO BIG AND BREAK AIR FLYING DEVICE BECAUSE HULK'S DOCTOR DIDN'T GIVE HIM ANXIETY CIRCLES TO EAT LIKE HULK ASK FOR."

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Welcome to Bermuda, I brought my daughter to a remote island because I don't want you to meet her. 

Emily has brought her daughter Ricki to Bermuda. This is logical, because she doesn't want Ricki to meet the guys, so the best place to stash her is probably on a remote island with them.

Emily mentions that it's exciting to be in Bermuda, because maybe she'll come back soon with a baby in a stroller and her husband and oh by the way she wants more babies, has she mentioned that? SHE REALLY wants more babies.

The bros drive around on Vespa's yelling, "BERMUDA!!!" over and over again to let you know that they're stoked they're in Bermuda. It's like being on a Harley, except it's a Vespa.

We've honestly been watching this episode for under five minutes and The Last Samurai has another hairband on. This time it's in blue. He's not even trying anymore, he may as well just start drinking milk straight from the carton during episodes in the background.

We learn that Doug (the guy who is using his child as bait to get laid) is going on the first one-on-one.

To show that the weather is vicious in Bermuda, they show water flying out of the infinity pool due to intense winds. First world problems.

Doug starts to sweat the one-on-one date, and all of the guys make fun of him because he has feelings and you can't have those on The Bachelorette. Doug then starts to show the first signs of being sort of temperamental before Emily walks in to break things up, and it's clear that at some point in this series, Doug is going to hit someone and that's really exciting for all of us.

Arie does a Doug impression comparing him to the Hulk, and even though I think it's Charlie who's the Hulk, I start to worry that this is The Truman Show and I'm actually writing a reality television show and I just don't know it yet.

Doug and Emily go on a one-on-one date where they go shopping for things like perfume oils. People in relationships don't even like doing shit like this, so there's that. Emily says she really likes Doug because he's really good looking, and I'm starting to wonder what Emily got on her SAT's.

They walk up to some thing called the moon gate, which you make a wish and walk under so that all of your dreams will come true. Emily wishes that she won't be single forever, which has been made pretty clear by the fact that she is on a game show where the winner becomes "not single". For the second time.

They have dinner somewhere and Emily basically says Doug is too perfect like Brad, the last guy who she was supposed to marry from television. She says he seems too perfect, which I don't understand because he sort of just seems like a douche. But hey, that's just me and I'm not on the TV. He tells Emily that he's, "just a guy..not a genius, not a dummy." He then speaks about himself in the third person, which you should never, ever do.

Emily gives Doug a rose. He says that this is the best date he's ever had in his life. So, for those keeping score at home: the best date of Doug's life was one where he went to a perfume shop and walked under a tourist location called the moon gate.

ABC cuts to awkward shots of them back and forth as Emily waits for Doug to kiss her even though he won't, because he says he's all about moving slow. It sort of just looks like someone farted.

Doug speaks in the third person some more, stating that, "if Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know she wants a kiss."

Doug may or may not be impotent (which affects an estimated 18 million men in the U.S. alone).

--

Race boats to decide who gets to go on a date with me with a ton of other dudes. 

Most of the remaining guys back home are split up into two teams, ketchup and mustard, that are going to race each other on fancy boats. Emily says, "too be honest, I hate to watch guys compete."

She is on a nationally televised show where 25 men compete for her.

The boat race is like 4,987 minutes long and is worthless. Key takeaways:

- Ryan the football player is ultra-competitive, which nobody saw coming.

- Jef with one F hurts his finger, so it's probably going to be tough to give bottles of water to African children now.

- I have the same pair of shoes as Travis (the ostrich egg guy) which is sort of depressing.

- Hulk Charlie cries when Team Ketchup loses and says he's embarrassed by that. Which, you know, he should be, because he's crying on national television after losing a yachting challenge.

Mustard wins and gets to all sit around and hit on Emily for the night. Key takeaways:

- Ryan the football player calls Emily a potential trophy wife, tells her again that she better not get fat and says about fourteen things that football coaches say to men when they're speaking to them in their underpants in a locker room. Long story short: Ryan's not doing so well. Emily concludes that she feels like Ryan is judging her and that's not cool, even though she's judging 25 guys and eliminating them daily on a television show. Ryan may or may not have starred in the film Sleeping with the Enemy.

- Arie breathes really heavily and then creepily touches Emily about nine times.

- Jef with one F and Emily walk around and don't talk about much of anything, and then he says he's falling for her, which is how love works.

Before we set off for the 2-on-1 date with Nate the accountant and Wolf, Ryan the football player says about 98 more football coach-isms and then probably punches Julia Roberts off-screen.

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Let's go cliff diving, I have ginormous fake breasts, This date is terrible, Etc. 

Emily goes for a 2-on-1 date with two of the most uninteresting guys on the show, Nate the accountant and Wolf. They go cliff diving, but not before Wolf says, "this could be a big jumping off point for the both of us." Get it? Because they jumped off of a cliff.

I'm surprised Emily didn't knock herself out with her ginormous breasts when they hit the water. Nate doesn't stare directly at them.

They go spelunking in a cave to have dinner and decide who will get the rose from Emily and who will go home.

Nate has a huge neck. I mean, huge.

Emily asks Nate what she may not know about him that she should. He says: "My parents are married. My brother is the best. I love my friends." Then he cries and says, "I can't talk about this right now." No one has any idea what Nate can't talk about.

Nate may as well just say that he loves Lamp.

Wolf then talks to Emily and is surprisingly smooth. He gets the rose from Emily, sending Nate home. Touché, Wolf. Touché.

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Wear blue knee-highs, touch me all creepy or get the F*CK out. 

Back at the rose ceremony, Emily walks in to greet the men and says, "ya'll look very handsome!" They all say, "as do you" back to her and it's sort of awkward, like when you're at the movie theater and the person who sells you the ticket says, "enjoy the show" and you say "thanks, you too", even though they will not enjoy the show because they, in fact, work at the movie theater and just sell tickets.

The Last Samurai isn't wearing a headband, which is a huge improvement for him even though we haven't heard him say one word for at least two episodes, which I'm pretty sure is doing it wrong.

Jef with one F, however, is wearing knee-high blue socks and it's almost like a stun gun because I can't make fun of it and I can't applaud it.

Some of the guys joke that maybe Sleeping With The Enemy/Ryan the football player is going to be sent home. Travis, the ostrich egg guy, says that that'd be a curveball. Kalon, who probably did not play sports and/or watch them, says, "well that would be a left ball, not even a curveball." Which doesn't make sense and I have a sneaking suspicion that he would like to have not said that on national television.

Sleeping With The Enemy says more Sleeping With The Enemy shit about how, "just because Emily is the bachelorette, that doesn't make her worthy." After she leaves, he tells The Last Samurai that even if he loses he knows media people and will just become the next Bachelor. If he raised a backhand at Emily and told her to get in the kitchen at this point, I'd probably just think that it was a spin-off show.

Gerard Butler (the 25 year old who's too young) and Doug (the dad who is using his child as bait to get laid) get into an argument. Doug says he's acting immature, to which Gerard Butler says, "No I'm not a butthead YOU'RE a butthead" and then storms off.

Arie makes out with Emily somewhere, touches her a little creepily a few times and makes weird faces.

ELIMINATED:

The Last Samurai, the guy who looked like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai.

Nate, the accountant who can't talk about it right now.

and Hulk Charlie, who SO ANGRY CHARLIE GET ELIMINATED.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Allejandro. Because he's a mushroom farmer and apparently I'm racist.

Ryan/Sleeping With The Enemy, because he did everything short of locking Emily in a cage.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because if you wear knee-high blue socks to a nationally televised elimination ceremony you have got to be a little confident.

and Sean, because he is sort of just in cruise control.

See you next week, everyone.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 61: I write over 2,000 words a week about The Bachelorette, which is in no way depressing

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Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.