The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 3)

Episode 3: I idolize a woman because she wears costumes for a living. Seriously.

Where We Left Off

Last week, we trimmed more of the fat, going from 19 bro-hammers to 16 bro-hammers. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion were:

Joe, who had a made-up job.

Aaron, the Canadian who is poor that wore hipster glasses.

and Kyle, the worthless financial advisor.

Emily had two pretty worthless one-on-one dates and hasn't put out once yet. We have one good in-house bro fight between Kalon (the douche you sorta love to love) and DJ N*SYNC (the guy with a coke problem/drinking problem/both problems at once). This week, we've been promised one-on-ones with Arie (the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did for a living) and Gerard Butler. We are also promised an appearance by Dolly Parton, which has to be for the 65 year old souther women who are drinking chardonnay alone and watching this show and need to feel included.

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of horses, because in the south, if you go outside ever, you will see wild horses.

We go to the house of the bros to hear who's going on the first one-on-one date with Emily. Nate the accountant looks haggard, but to be fair all we've seen the bros do is drink and bro-five for the most part.

Michael, the professional ex-alcoholic is still wearing his hair like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai, because women love that look.

Gerard Butler gets picked for the date, then tells the rest of the bros that, "he's just grateful for the opportunity" like a guy giving an interview before halftime in an important playoff game.

Sidenote: It'd be amazing if they would do a full live episode, where the bros were pulled aside and interviewed mid-happenings.

Announcer: "Bro, what were your thoughts going into tonight's rose ceremony with Emily?"

Bro Contestant: "You know, just gotta execute well. Kalon is running a really amazing cock block out there, and I know I just need to focus on the game plan and execute. I want to thank Jesus and my five year old son that I've abandoned back home for being cool with me doing this, or not saying if you aren't cool with it because you are five and can't project emotions yet."

--

The reason I think you'd be a good dad for my fatherless child is that you're good looking. 

Tonight's first date is with Gerard Butler. They walk around holding hands, because that's what you do on first dates when you know nothing about the person. They tell each other how good looking the other one is a bunch because they have a ton in common.

They are going to climb the side of a tall building to have dinner on top of it. As they get their gear on, Chris says that "she looks great in a harness." This is a gigantic red flag. If he starts to talk about his friend Zed who "crashes in the basement" then we may have to be a little concerned.

They make a lot of climbing metaphors relating to love. Get it, guys? Because love is like a mountain you have to climb when you're selecting a man to marry on national television in under two months.

They climb the building. I cannot help but think the entire time:

Wouldn't it be amazing if, about 30 seconds into the climb, ABC unleashed a ravenous set of American Gladiators to chase them up the building without any warning?

Sadly, American Gladiators do not chase them up the building.

Gerard Butler talks about how he wants to kiss her, but then high fives her instead. That'll totally win her over, broham. Nailed it.

They have dinner, and Emily gets taken aback by the fact that Gerard is 25, calling it a "red flag" because he's a little young. To be fair, Emily: you are approximately one year older than him and you were pregnant at the age of 17. So, you know. Maybe sit this one out.

To quell her fears, Gerard says "I'm a man. At the age of 17, I left home and it matured me." So, college. Which, if you've ever been to one, means you just call home for money/borrow it from a bank and spend it on drugs and alcohol for four years. Oddly, this satisfies Emily's concern that he might have trouble taking care of her six year old daughter and she gives him a rose.

Gerard says, "It's hard to describe how I feel. There are really no words to describe how I feel right now." So, the same thing twice in a row, making it wildly believable that he, in fact, does not know how to describe how he feels.

(Sidenote again: I can't help but think how amazing it would be if there was a spin-off where Gerard and Hulk Charlie are just two guys trying to make it in the world. Gerard tries to be Hulk Charlie's speech therapist, but he just doesn't know how to describe how he feels to him. ABC, seriously: call me. I'm fucking loaded with ideas and there is no way either of those guys won. They've gotta still be under contract.)

Emily and Gerard walk to an abandoned parking lot. To be clear: she's walking to an abandoned parking lot with a guy who creepily looked at her and said "you look good in a harness." One of emily's favorite bands plays on a stage (again) while they dance awkwardly and people stare at them. The guy singing has a country song lyric that goes, "girl you make my speakers go boom boom" and instantly I hate my life because he has 10,987% more money than I do.

Gerard asks Emily if he can kiss her at the end of the song, which is more awkward than shit I pulled in middle school. They kiss. Emily says, "dancing with him, it feels like just the two of us." It is, Emily. That's how dancing works.

--

Meet all of my best friends and the Indian chick that ABC hired.

On the group date, we go to a public park and find out that everyone gets to meet all of Emily's BFF's and the Indian chick who was in the first episode, who I'm not willing to concede is an actual friend yet. It doesn't help at all that, in this entire segment, she speaks approximately four words.

Her BFF's are going to meet and judge each of the men. This is the first realistic thing that has happened on the show, ever.

Allesandro and Emily are basically wearing matching t-shirts, which is quietly amazing.

Highlights of the girls judging the guys:

- The guys with kids aggressively playing the "I have a kid" card, basically answering any question at all with "I HAVE A KID."

- DJ N*SYNC popping and locking to show the girls why he'd be a great father, because that's logical.

- Her friend Wendy, making it clear that she's been drinking chardonnay in that coffee cup this morning when she goes from zero to aggressive sexual harassment in about two seconds with Sean. If Wendy could have thrown dollar bills at him, she would have. At one point, she logically asks him to take his shirt off, do push-ups and proceeds to sit on his back while he does.

Wendy probably hasn't had sex with her husband in over a year.

The guys then have to play with random children on a playground for a while to prove how good they are with kids while people look on and judge them.

Ryan the football player walks up to Emily and tells her that if she ever got fat when they were married, he'd be pissed and wouldn't sleep with her, because that's a sure fire way to win a television show based on romance.

Wendy hits on Ryan the football player, and pretty much all of us want Wendy to have her own television show by now.

They then go back to a bar named Butter to drink. Emily tells all of the guys that this has been one of her favorite dates. They've only been on one other group date, so she's actually correct by default. Emily may or may not be into exaggerating, and/or not being that smart of a human being.

Doug, the guy who's using his kid as bait to get laid, gets some time with Emily and starts his quest to be the guy with the saddest storyline ever. His Dad had epilepsy, he was a foster child and so forth. I cannot tell you how mesmerizing this would be if Doug, in a crazy twist, was Kaiser Soze'ing Emily and making his whole life up to get laid. He probably isn't, so I'm just a terrible person. Emily cries, because Doug's life is depressing.

And then, Tony, the other guy who's using his kid as bait to get laid, has a meltdown because he "misses his kid" and goes and cries about it in the alley. Doug starts to substantiate my Kaiser Soze theory and tells Tony that he should probably just go home. Tony then calls his son and yells into his cell phone like ghetto guys do on the bus.

Tony cries more.

Emily walks out and tells Tony that, the last time she was on a television show trying to marry someone, she sure would have appreciated it if he'd have sent her home if he wasn't into her at all and she was missing her child. She then sends him home in the most amazingly backhanded and awesome move.

Everyone talks about how great it was of Emily to do this for Tony, because if they don't say that they just look like guys on a television show that want to have sex with her. Which they are.

--

Let's go on a date at White Trash Disneyland and meet the OH MY GOD, is that seriously what Dolly Parton looks like these days?

Arie, the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did for a living, has the next one-on-one date with Emily. Before they go, he says that he's ready to "rev" things up with Emily. I get it, Arie. Because you're a race car driver.

They fly on a private jet to Dollywood, a theme park owned by Dolly Parton, because if you had a private jet that could fly you anywhere in the world, this is probably the first place you should go.

While there, they go to a theater where they are instructed to write a love song. After Emily writes horrible lyrics, Arie congratulates her like you would a 4 year old for pointing at a cow and saying "moo!"

At this point, Dolly Parton/a plastic surgery demon emerges on the stage and sings for them about love.

Emily says that Dolly Parton is her idol because she gets to wear costumes everyday.

To be clear, Emily is the one who said that at the age of 25, Gerard Butler was a little young, but her idol at the age of 26 is a woman who is dying of plastic surgery because she gets to wear costumes everyday.

Emily gives Arie a rose. He tries to go in for a kiss but gets the cheek and it's awkward. At least he didn't high five her.

They go out to a Carousel and make out on it for a while.

The entire time, all I can think of is the scene in Fear where Mark Whalberg deflowers Reese Witherspoon.

--

I'm not saying it's a compromise, but marrying you and having to adopt your daughter sounds sort of fucking miserable.

Back at the house we prepare for the rose ceremony, and finally the show is getting good. Highlights:

- Kalon, who we saw entirely too little of in this episode, has an amazing American Psycho moment when he interrupts Emily and says, "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." No one would be surprised if he murders hookers back home.

- The ostrich egg guy breaks the ostrich egg because it was creepy that he brought a fucking ostrich egg with him to the show. After she throws it, she says, "that was huge" and I'm angry that he doesn't say, "that's what she said." Regardless, I feel bad for him, because now he officially brings nothing to the table.

- For starters, Allesandro wears a black onyx thumb ring.

Moving on.

Allesandro tells Emily that marrying her would be a compromise for him. To be fair, it would be. Emily gets pissed and can't believe that someone would say that to her, because this is her princess ball and she gets to be pretty pretty princess and NO ONE ELSE DOES! She promptly kicks Allesandro off the show. In his exit interview, he says he is off to "live the life of a gypsy king." It's unclear if Allesandro speaks English very well, but we now know that he's left far too soon.

- Arie and Emily make out a bunch in the hall after this. Ryan the football player can't believe this and feels like it's a violation of their trust, because he's on a television show that began with 24 other men courting the same woman he was and he did not see that coming.

- Emily then makes out with Sean, the guy who does push-ups while drunk cougars sit on him, which is mesmerizing to me because if this was real life all of her friends would have called her a slut by now. But, this is television, so I guess we're all just totally cool with it and STD's aren't a thing in Narnia.

ELIMINATED:

MC N*SYNC, the guy who probably had a coke problem.

Allesandro, the guy who called himself a gypsy king and was being totally serious.

and Tony, one of the guys who was using his child as bait to get laid.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Allejandro. But, I guess there's some rule that only one Hispanic guy can be eliminated per episode. I'm pretty sure we haven't heard Allejandro speak yet, though. So, maybe him and the Indian lady have something going on.

The Last Samurai, because he doesn't have a personality and also, he wears his hair like Tom Cruise in the film The Last Samurai.

Wolf, because honestly, dude, you are NOT allowed to be called that if you aren't gonna start doing some wolf shit, okay? Like, that's it. We're done.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Jef with one F, because if he falls in love with Emily, he'll give one African child in need a wife in return.

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

and Sean, because he's simple and I'm pretty sure he's got a real shot.

If he doesn't, it's been made pretty clear that Wendy will have sex with him.

See you next week, everyone.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.