The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 2)

Episode 2: Hey, help me raise money for my dead husband's charity with The Muppets while my daughter watches and judges you on our first date. No pressure.

Where We Left Off

In the last episode, a woman (Emily) who has already played and won the television game "fall in love on television and get married" is introduced as the main character on a new season of "fall in love on television and get married". She is a widower with a daughter.

She met 22 white people and 3 carefully selected not-white-people. She eliminated six people from the show at the end of the episode by not giving them a boutonniere, because this is Cotillion.

Randy, the guy who dressed like a grandmother and then stripped for her.

The Token Black Guy, who was the token black guy.

Jean-Paul, who had as much of a shot of winning as I did.

Jackson, the guy who does sit-ups for a living.

David, a singer-songwriter who is terrible at both singing and songwriting.

and Brent, the 40 year old guy who had six fucking children already.

Starting this week, we were told things were really gonna heat up, because now we're going to start going on one-on-one dates so Emily can really get a feel for who she's going to marry, no really, for real this time, seriously, she's going to marry him this time, seriously.

Amongst the remaining guys, we mostly have to look forward to how far the two guys left who have children are willing to go in selling out their offspring to get laid and the fight between a guy who looks like Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC and a guy whose name is Kalon, which sounds like a character from Street Fighter II or Mortal Kombat.

The Recap

The episode opened with Emily casually going to meet up with some lady friends of hers to show us that, yeah: she's just one of the girls! One of them was Indian and looked like she didn't know Emily, even remotely, and was probably just asked to hang out by producers because everyone looked like they were from the film The Help otherwise. Emily hugged everyone but her before leaving.

We meet at the house, where the guys are informed that there will be one-on-one dates for Emily to get to know people better (Bachelorettes: They're just like us!). After this, there is a bunch of bro-fiving while they all hang out in a pool together with no chicks in a totally heterosexual way. One of the guys had a full back tattoo, which means he is probably a terrible person.

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I'm not a Prize to be won, Ryan, but here's a rose that signifies you could win me.

The first date is with my original pick to win it all: ex-football player Ryan. To give people a horrific view into what they signed up for, Ryan gets to go to Emily's house, take in groceries and bake cookies for her daughter's soccer game.

Even though it's visible that Ryan is horrified, he does the thing any guy does when he just wants to get laid and says how much fun he's having and tells her he feels like they're "totally making a connection", even though it's almost statistically impossible to have made a connection by this point, as they've spoken 14.8 words to each other. When they're done baking, he says, "Finally, I can feel like a man again." Which is amazing because this isn't 1955.

--

Sidenote: the dates are, so far, my favorite part of The Bachelorette. Due to the insane pressure to not get eliminated, people make wild overstatements with no backing. If this was the real world, this would be fucking horrifying/is and it's called being a wet blanket.

Bachelorette: "Hi, my name is Em.."

Date: "Do you feel like we're connecting? I feel like we're connecting. I bought us a dog and made up things that happen in the future when we hang out that are adorable. Our first child's name is Amelia, because that's kinda like your name I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH."

--

Where was I. She tells him that he has to wait in the car because she's not ready for anyone to meet her child yet. She then proceeds to take a gigantic camera crew down to meet her daughter and exploit her on national television. Amazing.

They go to dinner at a restaurant where no one else is, because that is normal. She states that she doesn't want to be a prize to be won, even though she's on a show where the goal is to win the prize, which is the girl, so I don't think she gets it. He keeps saying how connected they are. They appear to have zero in common. So, obviously, she gives him a rose so that he won't be eliminated.

They then go outside where Emily's favorite band is casually playing a song with a message as blatant as Sebastian singing "Kiss the Girl". He does not kiss the girl. They awkwardly stand on an elevated stage in the middle of a crowd and dance. I now have zero faith in the fact that Ryan will win the Tournament de Emily. He's about as smart as…a football player.

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Let's go on a group date that raises money for my dead husband's charity. Doesn't that sound like fun? Guys?

A select group of the other guys (Aaron, Alessanjandro, Charlie , Chris, Jef, John, Kalon, Kyle, Michael, Nate, Stevie and Tony) get to go on a group date with Emily later. As a fun idea, she decides that the group will raise money for her dead husband's charity by doing a variety show with the Muppets. No pressure. At this point, Stevie (the guy who looks like Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC) has to be absolutely jizzing his pants because he's an "MC" for a living/skeezes on 13 year old girls at Bar Mitzvah's. His reaction dictates this hypothesis.

Charlie, the guy who fell off of a building a few years ago and is still recovering apparently, has a panic attack because his speech therapy since the fall is still coming along. I'll just say it: if Charlie started speaking like the Hulk, I wouldn't be even remotely surprised. "Charlie upset. Charlie hungry. Charlie no want talk on show with fuzzy animal thing. CHARLIE WANT GIRL FOR MARRY." Here's a tip: don't go on a fucking television show requiring you to speak your way to marriage if this is going to be a problem. No. I'm not feeling bad for that.

They do the show which I don't even want to waste words on. It's a show with The Muppets and a bunch of wildly untalented guys who just signed up to try and have sex with a hot girl. It's insulting to people who like The Muppets. Jim Henson saw this in heaven and threw his remote at the TV and broke it and flailed with his arms in the air as he ran to his room and locked the door and hasn't come out yet. She has her daughter in the audience to see all of the guys. The one she doesn't want to introduce anyone to yet.

Random other note: Chris, one of the contestants, looks like Gerard Butler.

--

Everyone hates Kalon and Stevie is probably a coke head.

After the show, everyone sits and has drinks as they try to talk to Emily one by one.

She sits with Gerard Butler and says to him, "One of the things I like about you is that, you're sooooo good looking." That's actually something she said. So, there's that.

She then has a heart to heart with entrepreneurial Jef with one F and it turns out I don't hate him, which in turn makes me hate myself. No, wait, then they interview one F and he says…

"Tonight was the best talk I've had with her yet. It was probably the best talk anybody has had with her yet."

Nope, nevermind. You're a total douchebag who spells his name with one F.

M.C. NSYNC takes time to slow dance with Emily, while they joke about what songs they would be dancing to if this were high school, and she says "NSYNC", which I find to be an amazing slip. Even Emily thinks this d-bag looks like Chris Kirkpatrick. Kalon steals her as they dance.

M.C. NSYNC may or may not be on 14 pounds of cocaine.

Kalon and M.C. NSYNC have an argument about manners on a TV show where 25 men vie for the attention of a lady. M.C. NSYNC tells Kalon that he strongly dislikes him, to which Kalon responds:

"I wouldn't like me either if I were you bro, but fortunately I'm me."

Which, sadly? Is a pretty great bro-diss.

We later see people around a pool talking about things, when Kalon tells Doug, the guy who is using his kid as bait to get laid by a woman who also has a kid, that he's a bad Dad, which, to be fair, is wildly accurate. Don't look now, but Kalon is fantastic.

Doug tells him to "stop right there" and to "just check it" and may or may not start rapping at any minute. He is wearing black sneakers around a swimming pool in what appears to be 100 degree weather. So.

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Emily and Joe have a one on one. Joe is worthless and probably really bad at job interviews.

Here's all you need to know about Emily's one-on-one date with the guy who may or may not have a made up profession as a "field energy advisor".

- Joe is dumb and uninteresting.

- When Emily asks where Joe sees himself in five years, he says he'd like to be where they are with her family, to which she responds, "He said he wanted to meet my family! That's like, my dream!" To be clear: Emily's dream guy will say that he wants to meet her family. That's it.

- Emily doesn't pick Joe and cries about it because she feels bad. Joe was worthless and she basically just put down a dog. It's cool, Emily, he has tons of energy to advise in the field.

--

I'm going to fire a few of you from getting laid by me, ever.

In the lead-up to the rose ceremony, Emily meets with a few of the guys one last time. Notables:

Ryan, the football player who I used to love but he broke my heart because he's stupid, wrote Emily a 7 page letter that ends "Love in Christ" (which is in no way creepy) and he demands that she read the entire thing while he sits there, or else it gets the hose again.

Tony, a.k.a. the other guy who's using his kid as bait to get laid, then sits and says to her, "Did you know I had a kid? YOU have a kid? This is crazy! Let's bang." That's the gist of it, anyway.

The eliminations go down, and only two need to go because Joe who wants to meet her family has already been eliminated and is advising energy elsewhere.

ELIMINATED:

Joe, the field energy guy who is oh fine i'm wearing out that joke.

Aaron, the Canadian who is poor that wears hipster glasses.

and Kyle, the worthless financial advisor whose friends are probably like, "Have you ever had to hang out with Kyle alone? He's so awkward, man."

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

One half of Allesanjandro. Either/or. Wildly worthless, but still in play because otherwise we might have a lawsuit on our hands.

The ostrich egg guy who didn't have the ostrich egg this time. Fuck you, ostrich egg guy, for your broken promise. (see what I did there?)

Wolf (dude is not living up to his nickname, making it more and more apparent that it was self-imposed).

Professional ex-alcoholic, mainly because he should be embarrassed that he wears his hair in a ponytail the way Tom Cruise did in The Last Samurai.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Jef with one F, as much as I hate to admit it.

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living and they also showed them making out in the "scenes from next week's episode" so I'm cheating.

See you next week, everyone. Hopefully way earlier than Thursday. Sorry about that.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.