The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 9)

Episode 9: I hope this cave doesn't abandon me because people have before, so who knows.  12

Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 1 more woman, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 3.

The girl who was declared "not the prettiest princess" was:

Dez, because her brother was not a good choice, like milk.

Sean had hometown dates with each of the remaining girls, in which he asked each of their parents if he could have their daughter's hand in marriage, because on television that's how marriage works.

On AshLee's (the girl who was adopted and we are supposed to talk about it), he found out she's not going to take it well when she doesn't get picked to win the televised round robin marriage tournament because adoption adoption, crying, adoption.

On Catherine's (the vegan who likes the beef), he probably should have stolen a lamp because that was the best thing he had going.

On Lindsay's (the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date), he found out that Lindsay is probably more into role playing than the wedding dress led on.

And on Dez's (the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd), he found out Matt Saracen is a real person and that he does not like the television show The Bachelor.

Other than that, we mostly just found out that Missouri doesn't know how green lights work.

This week we're down to the final three women, which means they will fly somewhere normal people cannot afford to vacation so that one person can find out on national television that more than one person is more appealing to get married to than they are.


General Recap

We open on a shot of Sean standing on the edge of a boat in Thailand as incredibly racist "this is Asian-ish" music plays, because he's in an Asian-ish place.


I worry about how Sean sustained an injury to his knee, though I can only imagine it was from all of the sweet reps he was doing on the muscles machines.


Sean walks through the forest in a shirt that has sleeves, but then realizes that Sean doesn't wear sleeves, so he changes before he walks through the hotel.



All of that sleeveless walking makes Sean tired, so he takes a nap to think about love and how hard it is.


Mostly I'm just happy that he finally bought a pair of fucking sunglasses.



I feel like Thailand is all around us in Thailand.

Sean and Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, take the first date and go to a Thai market, where they look into buying things like colored chicks. It seems like I'm being wildly racist in typing that. I am not.


Lindsay says that they've been on luxurious dates like helicopter rides and other amazing things, but that she's excited to go on a normal date like going to a market because that's what normal people do. Sadly, Lindsay leaves out the part where normal people also pay for things like the entire vacation and everything they buy at the market in real life and ABC does not.

Sean makes Lindsay eat bugs, because Lindsay doesn't want to and I wouldn't be surprised if Sean then kicked her in the shins and ran off of the playground because that was his way of showing her he liked her.


Sean says that when he's with Lindsay that he feels like he's with his high school sweetheart and that that's what he's looking for in a marriage, and see? Shin kick/playground/you're the best.


They kiss and Sean says "Mm! Know what I mean?" and Lindsay says, "Trust me, I know what you mean," and that's how Christians tell each other that they want to have sex.


They walk to a beautiful beach and stumble upon a giant group of monkeys at sunset. The monkeys turn and look at them, as though saying, "you have GOT to be fucking kidding me."


They feed the monkeys grapes, and I notice that Sean is wearing underpants under his swimsuit, which makes me angry because that is redundant, as swimsuits are already underpants.


Sean says that he's asking himself, "Could this girl be my wife?" and I hope so, Sean, as that is the entire point of the television show.

For dinner, Sean takes Lindsay to It's A Small World, but Thailand.


Sean could use an astringent.


Sean asks if she'd be willing to move to Dallas, to which she responds that she has everything open, and even Sean sort of looks like he's thinking about saying, "that's what she said."


Dancers come out as music plays, and Lindsay says that all of the sudden, Thailand is all around them, and who knows what's been around them before that sudden.


Lindsay opens the letter that explains to them that they can stay together in the fantasy suite and has an awful lot of trouble reading it, and all of the sudden it dawns on me why she just can't seem to shake that "substitute" in front of the word "teacher" in her job title.


Lindsay says "I love you" to Sean, and then Sean says "I love hearing you say that," and that's sort of like telling someone "you are the best" and hearing them say "I know, right?"


We see the lights of the room still on, though we're all pretty sure that Lindsay's dignity is taken off swiftly inside.



I hope this cave doesn't abandon me because people have before, so who knows. 

Sean talks about how AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), has said a lot of times that she loves him, followed by her saying that she is on an island with the love of her life within 45 seconds of the beginning of her segment.

I finally realize that she's basically just Stacey from Wayne's World.


She says that she's just this school girl in love, and I think about how funny it'd be if she was basically Drew Barrymore from the film 50 First Dates and just wakes up every day thinking she's still in high school and honestly believes that Sean is the guy she married when she was 17.

She then says some iteration of the word "love" five times in under 10 seconds, and I begin to wonder what it's like when she tries a food she likes or hears a song that she enjoys.


Sean tells her that they are going to go swimming in a cave, and she brings up the fact that her parents abandoned her as a child, and that has nothing to do with swimming in a cave because caves cannot adopt you, nor can they abandon you.


As they enter the cave, she says she's more vulnerable than she's been in her entire life, and that's not true because adoption.

She says that the cave is scary, but that that's what love is like. That when you're in love, it's like you're going down this dark alleyway, and if she was describing love to a child they would start crying maniacally.


She says that in this situation, you have to let go, otherwise you don't fall in love, and I worry that AshLee might be a scosh hyperbolic.

AshLee says that if Sean proposed to her today there is no doubt in her mind that she would say yes, and I'm really hoping that when he does not pick her, they do a split screen and show a parent telling a child that Santa Claus isn't real because the reaction might be identical.


ABC advertises the show Wife Swap during the show where people are trying to marry someone  in a round robin marriage tournament, and that's funny.


AshLee talks about how the overnight date is the one thing she's been worried about on the show, which is strange, because I feel as though she's barely come short of blaming inanimate objects about her fear of abandonment.

She talks about marriage and why she is still single and says, "you know, why settle? I'm glad I waited!" which is an odd thing for someone to say who got married at the age of 17 because that is the opposite of waiting, and/or not settling.


She says that she doesn't take getting engaged lightly and the same exact joke as the previous sentence because it's still funny and getting engaged at the age of 17 is, in fact, taking getting engaged lightly.

He invites her to the fantasy suite, and though hesitant, she allows him to adopt her for the night. She tells him as they sit there her exact ring size and what she'd like her ring to look like, and Sean must know in this exact moment that he's made an adopted grave mistake.



I'd marry you. Also, I mayyyy have an eating disorder. 

For the third time in one episode, Sean stands on the end of a boat just like he saw in the hit film Titanic, and finally someone bites and Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, does the "I'm the king of the world" joke and I think to myself how happy I am that I don't date people who would make that joke.


Catherine says that this is the most open she's been with anyone for 3 1/2 years, and that's a very specific amount of time and I wonder if someone else that she didn't know had a tree fall on them around then.


They kiss in the water, and I wish someone would wipe the camera.


They get out of the water and he just slowly eats her face.


She talks about how going into the fantasy suite is tough for her, because she's more traditional when it comes to relationships, which has been made pretty clear by coming on national television to find a relationship. She says that she would have to put a "different" side of herself out there in the suite, because "different" is better than saying "if we go into a hotel room, I'm going to have tons of sex," on national television.

She tells Sean with a straight face that she hopes he understands that she doesn't only like him because he's hunky and beefy, and I feel that the Catherine who used to say that she loved the beef is betraying herself.


She says that she's been made fun of all her life, that people would say "oh you're chubby, you eat too much," and this seems like the wrong time to casually bring up eating disorders.

We watch two attractive people talk about how much they like each other, and then we presume that they have tons of attractive people sex.


Adopted adopted, adopted, adopted? Adopted WAIT WHAT THE FUCK.

Sean watches videos each of the girls made telling him how much they love him, and adopted adopted, adopted cries in hers because jesus, she is the absolute fucking worst.


Sean eliminates AshLee, and maybe I was wrong about who was the bunny killer all along.




AshLee, because adoption adoption I LOVE YOU adoption DIE BUNNY adoption. Adoption.


Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 68: Songs that you should consider adopting.


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See you guys for the finale.


Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.