The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 8)

Last week, I did not review Episode 8. I woke up on Tuesday to someone whom I love very much having the day Tierra only dreams of having: a real medical problem that didn't come from being batshit crazy. Because of this, there just wasn't a lot of funny haha in me and I needed to take the time to take care of her, because she's the best and I didn't meet her on national television, nor do I give her roses after every time that I see her to signify to her that I still like her and am not going to eliminate her from consideration in my life.

In other words: life got in the way of me being a snarky asshole on the Internet.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who wrote or commented that actually seemed to miss me writing about this ridiculous show. That's not just some self-deprecating bullshit: it's crazy that something that sort of started out as a huge joke has turned into something I really love to do. You have no idea how cool it is to know that you're making people…strangers laugh. Just know that I read every last thing you guys write me and I hope we can keep doing this for however many seasons these people humiliate themselves on national television.  You're all just the goddamn best.

I'll do a full recap about tonight's episode on Wednesday. In the meantime, below is the "i'm putting in a 1% effort just so we don't miss a full week" version of the usual ones just to catch us all up. See you in a few days.

Episode 8: My white trash brother hates you and asked you to "holler at him." Want to get married?

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Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 2 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 4.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Tierra, because Sean couldn't take her sparkle.

And Leslie, because there were no more dark rooms to kiss in.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Ashlee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it) and Tierra. In one he found out that the girl who was adopted also got married when she was in high school (which was like a red flag hatching and waving its own red flag) and in the other he found out that a girl couldn't make proper statements grammar complete sentence making. Other than that, Tierra told everyone she couldn't control her face and that she had a sparkle that her parents didn't want her to lose on national television.

It's time for hometowns, where Sean goes to meet everyone's family and asks four fathers for their daughter's hand in marriage, because that's how real love works and is in no way sleazy. I will go over general takeaways from each briefly, but that's about it.

This week, we've been promised that AshLee is in love are you listening she's in love she'll tell you again she's in love, Dez's brother was a poor choice for a dinner party guest because he uses the term "holler" unironically, and that Sean goes through an emotional roller coaster.

As opposed to an unemotional one.

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I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love? I'm in love! I'm in love. Wet blanket. Adopted.

The first hometown date was with AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it).

We opened on a shot of a Texas Flag on a street named Texas, followed by a sign that says "Welcome to Houston" because Houston is in Texas and they wanted to make sure that we all knew that we were in Texas, no, seriously, Texas.

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The rest of her portion of the episode was made up of various quotes that verified that AshLee is going to become incredibly unstable if/when Sean does not choose her to win the round robin television marriage tournament. Unstable quote highlights include:

- "Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was, I had no clue!" (Which we were aware of, because she married a guy when she was 17. So.)

- "I've stepped out of my comfort zone because he said to trust him." (And everyone knows that it's a good idea to trust someone who is meeting the parents of the three other girls he's dating immediately following your date.)

- "I need him to be the one." (I'm out of red flags.)

Other than that, AshLee cries when she talks about swimming in Canada, because swimming is hard and sad and she's adopted.

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They blur a picture of a Chevy logo on a car, which is like blurring a McDonald's sign or calling it Smichshmonald's to throw us off.

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And that is not AshLee's adopted father's natural hair color.

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Mostly, I'm just upset that she didn't organize any closets while she was home.

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You're willing to do stuff? I'M willing to do stuff!

The second hometown date was with Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef.

They meet at a fish market and throw fish, because she's from Seattle and that's what everyone in Seattle does with their free time.

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Catherine says that Sean is always "willing to do stuff" and that's what she really likes about him, and I feel like Catherine's standards could be a bit more specific, and/or higher.

Her family has a sweet crane lamp, and I think about how if I were Sean? I'd steal that.

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Catherine's grandma makes some weird faces.

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Her sisters tell Sean that it's probably not going to work out because they are the worst sisters ever, and Catherine's mom doesn't give Sean her blessing for Catherine's hand in marriage because she seems to agree with the people watching the TV that maybe, just maybe, Sean is seeing other people. And mothers.

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My Dad is a drill sergeant, let's pretend I'm a drill sergeant because I'm probably a pretty huge freak. 

The third hometown date was with Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date.

She says she has never been so happy in her whole entire life, and that concerns me, because dating someone who is dating up to 25 other people shouldn't be something that creates said amount of happy.

Her town has a green light system that tells you that you can go straight, or right, or left, which is every possible direction and wildly redundant. I do not understand why they did not employ the green light system that the rest of the country/world has, but in a strange way it also explains a lot about Lindsay.

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Sean is worried about meeting her father because he's in the army, so Lindsay pretends to be a drill sergeant to prep him and says a bunch of weird shit like "kiss me harder" because I'm pretty sure she's super Christian and therefore probably overly sexual because she isn't allowed to be because God said, "nnnnnO. nnnnO."

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Sean asks her father for his blessing after saying he isn't sure that he loves his daughter, so logically he says sure.

She'll probably win, this episode is the worst and I'm bored.

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This is my brother, white trash Matt Saracen. He hates you. 

The fourth and final hometown date is with Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd.

She has him over for dinner and pranks Sean by inviting a guy over who pretends to be her ex-boyfriend, because guys love stuff like that.

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After that, Dez invites her family over for dinner, which includes a white trash version of Matt Saracen.

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saracen

The brother asks Sean if he minds if he "hollers at him real quick" and Sean says "Yeah, buddy," and I'm surprised no one called each other chief or bro.

Dez's brother tells Sean that he's a playboy and that he's full of shit, and that's a wildly accurate statement and hey, good for you, white trash Matt Saracen.

They go back inside and Matt Saracen cries, because Friday Night Lights ended and that made us all want to cry, too.

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Sean leaves and doesn't like Dez anymore, because her brother is crazy and/or tells the truth and that's no fair.

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My advice is to make the right decision, which is not, in fact, advice. 

At the rose ceremony, Sean is confused so he stares off into the mountains because that's what Sean does when he is confused.

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Sean doesn't know who to eliminate, so Chris the host tells Sean that his advice is to make the right decision, which is not, in fact, advice.

Sean eliminates Dez, and if I had any sparkle, it's certainly gone now.

ELIMINATED:

Dez, because her brother was not a good choice, like milk.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

AshLee, because adoption adoption I LOVE YOU adoption I LOVE YOU adoption. Adoption.

FRONTRUNNER:

Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

See you guys on Wednesday, and sorry for the delay.

 

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.