The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 5)

Episode 5: Drink this goats milk and I'll love only you. Just kidding, I love everyone you live with also. 20

Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 2 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 11.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Leslie, the girl who said she was a poker dealer because she played one on TV once.

And Amanda, the girl who broke her jaw who used to look angry in front of fireplaces.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Leslie, the girl who said she was a poker dealer because she played one on TV once and Selma, the girl who looks like Princess Jasmine. In one he wasn't allowed to kiss a girl with fake breasts because she has morals and in the other he let a girl realize her dream of pretending to be a prostitute that she saw in a movie once. Other than that, he took a one-armed girl roller skating and Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen's, acted like a gremlin in an alleyway.

This week, we’re getting two nights of episodes back-to-back, because God hates me and wants me to write over 6,000 words in two days. We've been promised that someone may or may not die of hypothermia towards the end of the episode because she went in a frozen lake and honestly, does anything else even matter?

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General Recap

We open on a shot of HOLY FUCK, WHAT HAPPENED TO SELMA'S FACE.

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The girls and Sean are headed to Montana because Sean likes the outdoors and whatever Sean likes, the pretty pretty princesses need to like, too.

Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, says she's, "looking forward to seeing her boyfriend!" and then does this.

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This would pretty much assure anyone else of never getting laid, ever, but this is a competition to marry the guy who yells the name of the place he is so that everyone knows where he is, so anything is possible, really.

Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, says her name, and then Sean's name, and then says the name of the state they are going to and makes a shape of a heart with her body to signify that they will be in love in the place she just said, because she is a grown up.

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Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, says that she hopes to get a one-on-one date and says that she's been patient. In the last episode, she hid in an alley like a fucking gremlin waiting for Sean to open a door so she could pop out at him, which is, in fact, the opposite of patience.

Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, is told that she will have the only one-on-one date of the episode and then cries. I wonder to myself what happens when they tell her that her table is ready at a restaurant, or when the barista calls her name at a coffee shop.

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AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it) gets angry because only adopted girls are supposed to get one-on-one dates.

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Sean and Lindsay walk outside and see a helicopter in a gigantic open field. Lindsay asks, "Is that a helicopter?" and I can see how it could be a little confusing.

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They get in and take off, and the other girls point at the helicopter in amazement, and I'm wondering if anyone has ever seen a helicopter before.

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They all wave at the helicopter like children wave at airplanes. Or birds. Or anything else that has no idea that they're waving at it.

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I think I know you, but I'm not ready to commit to that.

Sean tells the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date that he likes her so much because she's not high maintenance as she sits wearing outlandish amounts of makeup on a mountaintop, and my head almost explodes.

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She says she feels like she knows him, and he says that he thinks he knows her, too. No one is for certain, though.

Sean then squints like he did in every episode of the show he was on six months ago where he tried to get married to someone, so he must be feeling pretty comfortable again.

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Instagram picture.

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Lindsay says that she doesn't know what brought her here, or what led her here, or how this even happened.

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A helicopter brought her here, a casting agency led her here, and it happened when she auditioned for a televised round robin marriage tournament.

They make out a bunch and talk about how they're really getting to know each other, even though they haven't gotten to know each other.

She gazes up at him exposing a classy tattoo, and he gives her the rose.

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They walk outside to dance on a stage while a town stares at them.

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He tells her that when he first saw her he thought she was just a crazy girl in a wedding dress. She responds that she thought he was just a crazy boy in a tie, and i'm pretty sure she doesn't understand how dressing up for a first date works.

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She says he's "very good looking on the eyes," and that's not how that saying goes.

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If a girl with one arm can't win a hand job contest then I give up.

Selma, the girl who looks like Princess Jasmine, says that she is excited to see her Prince Charming while looking exactly like a genie.

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It's not racist because it's true.

Sean asks the girls to follow him to a field full of goats. When Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, sees them, she asks if they are dogs. To be clear, in this episode, girls have been unsure of what a helicopter and a goat are.

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The girls find out they're going to do a relay race involving a canoe race, using a saw and milking a goat, and it sure is getting hard to have one arm on this show these days.

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I think about that and realize, however, that milking a goat is pretty much simulating a really intense hand job, and in a bizarro twist of fate? Maybe Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it) was born for this.

It turns out Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd, is really good at milking a goat, and I can't tell if that is a turn on or horrifying.

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She then chugs a glass of the goats milk and if you did the thing where you closed your eyes and then opened them real fast again, you could absolutely mistake this for porn.

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The girls find out that even though the team that lost was supposed to go home and not join the other girls on the rest of the date, Sean is going to invite them anyway, and that's no fair.

Selma speaks in the third person and says that when Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry, which seems like a pretty straightforward analysis of getting angry.

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Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, puts on her crazy pants extra early and decides to crash the date that she has not been invited to. Instead of just casually walking in, she does what she does best and sneaks up on Sean like Stacey from Wayne's World.

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Tierra acts batshit crazy and talks about how she decided to go on the date she wasn't invited to because she needed to see the guy she's dating.

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For the first time ever, Sean looks horrified, and it's about fucking time, man. Hide your rabbits.

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Sean says that when he's with Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, he just wants to snuggle with her, because that's what men say on national television.

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She continues to be the cutest (no SHE'S the cutest) and I'm worried Dez is starting to lose a little ground.

Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, cries because she saw Sean talking to other girls and it huwted hew feewings.

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Dez tells her she's here for her, and boy is Dez doing it wrong, because I think everyone has been making it pretty clear that they are here for Sean.

Daniella tells Sean how huwted hew feewings are and says "like" like, seven times. Like.

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She then, like, gets the rose, and jesus fucking christ we have to see her for at least another episode.

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I'm crazy because my ex-boyfriend was a drug addict who died. So. No red flags there.

As Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, and Jackie, the girl who could honestly be a hamburger consultant, get ready to go on the 2-on-1 date with Sean, Tierra says that she's excited to see her husband.

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the-bunny

Tierra then says that Jackie doesn't know that she's on a date with Tierra and her husband.

the-bunny

Jackie tells Sean that of course she's not talking shit about Tierra, but talks shit about Tierra.

Sensing Sean has picked up on the fact that she may, in fact, murder him at any given moment, Tierra plays all three of the get-out-of-getting-eliminated cards as they go and talk:

- "Someone I know died."

- "I have trouble letting people in because I'm such a good person."

- Crying. So much crying.

She then threatens, "I hope Sean doesn't hurt me" and makes a look at the camera that says, "You're right, viewer at home, I am in no way stable."

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The threat works, she gets the rose, and the bunnies are safe for now.

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Tierra has no friends, she's the worst, etc.

Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd, calls Sean out on keeping charity case girls, and Sean gets angry that she won't just say that she's talking about Tierra. He says, "it's fine if it's about her, but don't keep me in the dark," which is strange because Sean lives for doing everything in the dark.

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The girls confront Tierra about being a terrible person, which makes her so angry that she swears a lot.

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Tierra says that she is over being on the show. That if she wants to get engaged, she can easily go get engaged, because there are, "plenty of (bleeping) guys in the world." Sean walks by and hears her talking like a crazy person, so she better think of some Munchausen's shit fast.

All I can think about is how much beautiful firewood he has access to that he is taking for granted.

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My eyeballs bleeding, I begin to realize that I'm mere hours away from watching two more hours of this shit, and I cannot believe how angry I am that they didn't show Tierra dying of hypothermia yet.

ELIMINATED:

Jackie, because oh who cares.

Robyn, because a black woman can only go so far on this show, even if they're kinda white.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Tierra, because she is fucking crazy.

Daniella, because she thinks that a goat is a dog.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Catherine, because wait no SHE'S the cutest.

Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

AshLee, because adoption adoption adoption, adoption adoption. Adoption.

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Rocket Shoes Mixtape 67: Songs I could rationalize chugging a glass of goats milk to.

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STREAM IT at this link.

DOWNLOAD ALL OF THE MP3′s at this link.

See you on Thursday with the next one.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.