The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 4)

Episode 4: There's a gremlin in the alley! Nevermind, it's just someone I'm considering spending the rest of my life with. Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.32

Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 3 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 13.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Kacie, the girl who hated drama who was dramatic whose job was "Ben's Season".

Kristy, the model who wasn't attractive.

And Taryn, because she had to be like 48.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Leslie M., the girl he sits in dark rooms with and AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it). On one he set a worthless world record and on the other he cried because adopted adopted, adopted. Somewhere in between, he found time to blast his pecs on the beach while an ugly model cried during a horrible game of beach volleyball. Other than that, Tierra, the girl who isn't here to make friends, showed off some pretty fantastic signs that she's got Münchausen's.

This week, we've been promised that Sean is going to make a girl with one arm go roller skating, a girl is going to live out her fantasy of being a prostitute that gets taken on a shopping spree and that Tierra is tired of being batshit crazy only sometimes.

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General Recap

The episode opened up on a shot of girls who look sad, probably because they live with 12 other girls who are also dating the same guy that they are interested in.

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The host tells the girls that Sean sees his wife in this room right now, because that is the entire point of the show and something that he definitely needs to reinforce.

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Since we didn't get to see Sean blasting his pecs to open this episode, they make sure we get an amazing double shot of his ass.

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Selma, the girl who looks like Princess Jasmine, is getting the first one-on-one date with Sean, and says that now they'll take it to the next level, followed by the next level, and then they'll have babies. She may have sounded like a crazy bitch had it only been the next level, but luckily they'll take it to two levels before Sean will impregnate her, so instead she sounds like someone who isn't putting the cart before the horse at all.

Leslie H., the girl who is an actress who once played a poker dealer on the TV so now she lists that as her job, cries because she says she just really wants a date. We're pretty sure we knew this, because she went on national television to find one, which may or may not have hammered the desperation home.

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My mother doesn't want me to kiss a boy on television, so I bought fake breasts to deter that from ever becoming an issue.

Selma and Sean take a private jet, and Selma puts her elbow on his crotch to let us know that she's classy.

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She says she's dreaming right now and that she doesn't even know if this is real. To be fair, I'm pretty sure she's Princess Jasmine, so it's entirely possible.

As though on cue, she says that she feels like a princess in a castle, and if they started singing A Whole New World I wouldn't even blink.

She constantly clasps her hands together, and it's starting to weird me out.

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They land in the desert at Joshua Tree National Park, and Selma sounds unimpressed, saying, "He took the Iraqi to the desert," and you know what, that's funny, Princess Jasmine.

She continues that, "she does not do well in heat, at all."

That's what she said. If she was sort of boring and not that much fun in bed.

Selma clasps her hands together again like a middle eastern princess.

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As they drive around, Sean gets a sweet sun flare pic opportunity, and I think about how he should totally Instagram that shit and/or make it a prof pic.

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They rock climb, and Sean says that her form looks unbelievable, and by form he means ass.

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Selma says, "I gotta show this man I got it in me" and then we all laugh because it's just getting too easy.

She starts to moan and say "ohmygodohmygod" repeatedly and if you closed your eyes and opened them real fast, you could easily mistake this for a porn.

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For their evening date, Sean takes Selma to a trailer park, because that's what all princesses dream of.

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Selma tells Sean that she can't kiss him because she grew up in a strict, conservative home with a mom who doesn't approve of her dating boys in public. I'm not sure Selma knows this yet, but she's on a television show where you kiss and date boys in public, and she also has gigantic fake breasts that are not, in fact, that conservative.

Sean says that her eyes are asking him to kiss her, and it sounds like the beginning dialogue of a cautionary date rape video.

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He gives her the rose. She says that she feels that her fairytale is just beginning and that he is her prince charming, and I don't have anymore jokes about this.

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Boy, have I got the "not one-arm friendly" sport for YOU to play!

Before they head out on the group date, the girls were told that they'd need to "roll with the punches today."

Because of this, Lindsay (the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date) says that she thinks they're getting in one of those "giant hamster ball thingies to go rolling down a hill."

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In what is a surprise to everyone, the girl who is a substitute teacher that wore a wedding dress on a first date is not, in fact, all that smart.

Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it), says that she's got a good feeling that having only one arm isn't going to hold her back today, and boy is she wrong because the girls are going to participate in a roller derby.

As they begin to learn how to skate around the track, it becomes apparent that two arms are a pretty big part of that whole "balance" thing.

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Sarah starts crying because, you know, a guy is making her do one of those things that are really hard to do with a disability.

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Sean say that his heart goes out to her, but it seems like maybe he should have had his arm go out to her instead, since that's the thing she's missing one of.

Just in the nick of time, Amanda, the girl who looks angry in front of fireplaces, saves Sean by falling on and possibly breaking her face off, which causes Sean to, in turn, make this face.

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She has to go to the hospital and now no one has to do roller derby at all.

For the night portion of the date, Tierra decides that she doesn't like anyone and throws her toys on the ground and wants to leave the show because IT'S NOT FAIR.

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AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), tells the other girls to be nice because, "Tierra just isn't comfortable with this," to which both Robyn, the black girl who's pretty much a white girl, and Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, give an amazing "oh you have GOT to be fucking kidding me" reaction to.

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Tierra cries and and says that she's breaking down inside, that she, "cannot be tortured like this!" Because of this, she does the only logical thing one could do and decides to hide in a dark corner of an alley to wait for Sean to come out of the room that he's talking to Lindsay (the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date) in. She looks like she may or may not be taking a crap on the street.

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When Sean walks out, Tierra pops out like a fucking gremlin and cries a lot, interrupting his time with Lindsay.

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She then talks about how hard being on the "dating one guy with a billion other girls" show is for her and that it's not what she signed up for, even though that's actually what she signed up for. She looks sad, so Sean goes to get her the rose out of sympathy and/or fear of being murdered. As he walks away, she immediately makes the "holy shit SHE'S THE KILLER, RUN YOU ASSHOLE" face that people make in scary movies when they still have the knife.

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Sean Gives kisses Tierra and gives her the rose in the dark, because that's where Sean gets things done.

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The whole night Sean has been wearing a puffy jacket underneath a blazer, sort of like a kid whose parents said, "if you want to wear a helmet and a cape to school, you can."

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I've always dreamed of being a prostitute that a rich guy took on a shopping spree.

Leslie H., the girl who is an actress who once played a poker dealer on the TV so now she lists that as her job, gets the final one-on-one date with Sean.

He sent her diamond earrings to wear on the date, and she's excited because she's never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend ever. Considering she's never been on a date with Sean, I'm worried she may be a little loose with that term.

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For the next 10 to 15 minutes, we are all forced to watch a boy take a girl to buy clothes, which is terrible in real life and it turns out is also really uninteresting on television as well.

It's Leslie H.'s dream date, because for some odd reason every girl loves the movie about a rich guy that pays a prostitute to have sex with him and then decides that he'd like to date her.

When we get to the dinner portion of the date, it becomes very apparent that he's going to dump her on national television, because they never play music during those dates so that they feel like, you know, an actual terrible date.

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I begin to understand that taking her on a shopping spree was sort of like playing with a dog all day and then taking it for a really long walk before you were going to take it behind the shed to shoot it.

Sean does not give Leslie H. the rose. He says he can't put his finger on it, but the connection is just not there.

I can put my finger on it: she's black.

Sean listens to sad songs because Sean is sad.

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He then drops a rose to dramatically signify that love is hard.

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I begin to worry for Leslie H., as I can only imagine that the imaginary poker dealer job market has dried up while she's been on the show.

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A girl called Tierra "Tierra-ble", and I can't top that.

A few key takeaways from the rose ceremony:

- Everyone hates Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, and she is upset because she feels like people, "haven't liked her right out of the bat," which is not a saying.

- Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, calls Tierra "Tierra-ble" and then kisses Sean in the dark, and becomes a "who saw that one coming" contender.

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ELIMINATED:

Leslie, the girl who said she was a poker dealer because she played one on TV once.

Amanda, the girl who broke her jaw who used to look angry in front of fireplaces.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Tierra, because she is fucking crazy.

Jackie, because she hasn't spoken for two episodes on a show that has aired four episodes.

Daniella, because she is the opposite of "not dumb"

FRONTRUNNERS:

Dez, because she is the best. THE BEST.

Selma, because she may or may not believe she's in a Disney film and Sean is about as interesting as Prince Eric.

AshLee, because adoption adoption adoption, adoption adoption. Adoption.

See you next week, everyone.

 

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.