The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 2)

Episode 2: If you can't find your wife in a "dress slutty for a romance novel cover" contest, romance is dead. 1

Where We Left Off

Last week, a guy who lost the most recent "get married on television" tournament to a hipster whose name wasn't spelled right was introduced as this season's Bachelor. He was picked to be The Bachelor because he basically just works out and likes his family, which would seem like someone who's setting the bar pretty low/every girl's ex-boyfriend who she left for the guy she is currently dating with more ambition, but who are we to judge (besides the one's to judge).

He met 21 white people and 5 carefully selected not-white-people. He eliminated six people at the end of the episode by not giving them a rose, signifying they were not the prettiest of the princesses.

Lauren, the girl who threatened that her father would kill Sean within 3.6 seconds of meeting him.

The Token Black Girl Who Was Too Black For The Show, because she was the token black girl that was too black for the show.

Keriann, because she called herself an entrepreneur and no, Keriann. No.

Paige, the girl who has been on more televised round robin marriage tournaments than Sean in the last year, which is incredible because he's only been on one, which should be the limit like jury duty.

Kelly, the girl who was surprised she was eliminated after singing a song to a blind date about how they were about to fall in love.

And Ashley P, the girl who said she couldn't understand how she was still single after asking someone to strip her and spank her on a national television show about finding "the one".

Episode two is usually when:

1) Someone isn't here to make friends.

2) Someone hates competing for men that came on the "competing for men" show.

3) Someone reveals themselves as "the bat shit crazy girl".

Lucky for us, those boxes were checked. A lot.

Our first one-on-one dates of the season are with Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it) and Dez, the bridal stylist who hasn't been bridal'd yet.

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General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of a Sean blasting his pecs while staring off longingly into the distance.

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Then Sean took a shower, and I get the feeling a lot of this season is going to be Sean blasting his pecs and showering.

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Sean tells us that, "if he had to guess, he could see himself getting down on one knee and proposing to his wife at the end of all of this," which is a pretty courageous guess, as he's on the "getting down on one knee and proposing to the girl you pick to be your wife" show.

The host of the show meets the girls back at the house and lets them know that if HE had to guess, HE could see Sean getting down on one knee and proposing to his wife at the end of all of this, and everyone is wondering if anyone has told them how the show they are hosting and starring in works yet.

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Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it), gets the first invitation for a one-on-one date, and informs us that having only one arm makes her physically different, which...you know, yeah.

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I feel out maneuvered by ABC, because you simply cannot make fun of a person with a fucking physical handicap (no matter how terrible of a person you are, which I am). It's not funny. However, I pledge to myself to make fun of her as an equal to the other women on the show, and feel, in an odd moment, like a good person for being a bad person…equally.

Sarah says that, "just because she has one arm doesn't mean they're going to stop having fun," and I don't know what that means because why would only having one arm stop you from having fun? Don't answer that.

Sean comes in to pick her up in a helicopter, and everyone watching this show misses Kalon, and I become really sad that I can say that with a straight face and that I know how to reference things like that now.

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Randomly, they interview one of the girls and I realize that they put "Ben's Season" where they usually put people's professions, and I feel like that's not a profession.

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Sean goes to grab Sarah to take her on the helicopter and seems to make a point of grabbing her half-arm a lot while looking-ish at the camera, as though to say, "does everyone at home see that it's cool with me that she has one arm? I'm cool with it that she has one arm."

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Sean and Sarah fly away and Sarah says that this is probably the biggest dream of her life that's come true so far. Which means that one of her biggest dreams was to fly around Los Angeles in a helicopter with a guy who lost a reality television dating contest. So.

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Sarah says, "we're gonna start falling in love and it's amazing." While it's a creepy statement, she seems to be the only fucking person on the show who knows how the show works.

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I want to make it very clear, guys, I'm really cool with the fact that she has one arm. Like, really cool.

They land on top of a building, and we learn that Sean and Sarah are going to jump off of it.

Oddly, all I can think about is, "wait, how do you tie a ponytail with one arm?" This question is simultaneously horrible and totally Google-able, all at once.

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The guy who is teaching them how to jump off of a building is wearing a rad Jurassic Park t-shirt that they blur out, and I think to myself, "I bet he's so pissed they blurred that rad t-shirt out." Because it's rad. I also think it's weird that I can identify a blurred out Jurassic Park logo.

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They jump off of the building and survive. Sarah says, "the only thing I thought i'd ever be scared of, jumping off the side of a building, I did today." I am amazed that if she were asked to write down the things that you are scared of, she'd write down "jumping off of the side of a building," drop the mic and walk away. Then again, this is the same girl who just said that the biggest dream of her life was to fly around Los Angeles in a helicopter. So. Maybe she's a bit hyperbolic.

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After surviving the one thing she was scared of, Sarah and Sean talk about how cool he is with her having one arm because they haven't beat that horse dead. He gives her a rose, and all of the sudden all of those shots with two armed girls from the end of this season that usually give away everything seem like decoys, because I think the girl with one arm has a shot. Probably not. But still. I'm trying, guys.

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Back at the house, we find out who's going on the group date and it becomes wildly apparent that everyone hates Tierra. As though on "second episode" cue, Tierra let's us know that she's not here to make friends, and we all wonder what the fuck is wrong with her forehead.

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I'm fairly certain she is a Republican.

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The girls all dress slutty, Sean takes off his shirt, it's not Halloween though, etc.

The girls all jump in a limo and have fun with each other on their way to a group date with Sean.

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Tierra doesn't have fun, though, and neither does her forehead.

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The girls are going to meet Sean at a castle so that they can play dress up and compete to be on the cover of a trashy romance novel, because princesses love to be on the covers of slutty novels sold in grocery stores in Nebraska.

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Some seem more excited than others about this. (I'm looking mostly at you, model that's not attractive.)

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The rest of this plays out like you think it would: Sean takes his shirt off a bunch, catty girls talk endless shit about each other, Kristy (the model who isn't attractive) takes it way too seriously/wins, and the whole thing takes way too long.

Within this segment, Tierra somehow manages to let us know two more times that she's here for Sean and speaks about herself in the third person.

We're in Single White Female mode, and it's amazing.

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When dress up is over, it's time for the gang to drink and get their one-on-one time with Sean and compete to the death to get a rose.

The main takeaways from this part:

- Sean and Leslie go and sit in a dark room that is too dark to talk in on television. She says she's hopeful to fall in love, and Sean acts surprised and says, "You're hopeful? I'M HOPEFUL? YOU LIKE MILK? I LIKE MILK!"

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- Kacie, the girl who's job is "Ben's Season", asks Sean if he'd like to be more than friends. He pauses a really long time, the way you would if you do not, in fact, want to be more than friends with someone. I don't really care, I just think her forehead is very oily and I'd like her to use some product for that.

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- Catherine tells Sean she's a vegan but she "loves the beef", and somewhere her mother is proud of her.

- Tierra acts batshit crazy and tells him yet again that she's here for him, and at this point it's like someone going to the bar and telling their beer that they came here for it.

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- Katie, the yoga instructor who looks like the main character from the animated film Brave, decides that this competition is too hard and leaves the show. Considering her chances of winning, this would be like the backup quarterback going up to Tom Brady before the game and saying, "Hey man, you go ahead and start this game. I'm cool."

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Kacie gets the rose, and then let's us know that "she's not going to quit because something's hard or uncomfortable."

2

That's what she said.

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I'm gonna play a prank on you, because the last time I did that to a girl on national television she dumped me. What could possibly go wrong.

When Sean was on The Bachelorette, he pretended that he lived with his parents to scare Emily. It did scare her, and she dumped him.

To recreate this, Sean and his broham host Chris decide that he should play another prank on Dez, the bridal stylist who hasn't been bridal'd, by taking her to an art gallery and making her believe she's destroyed expensive art.

If that didn't sound interesting, that's because it wasn't and it was boring as shit.

Long story short, we watch two bros just acting like bros who can't believe they're totally gonna prank her, bro.

3

They totally get her, and surprisingly don't yell, "I TOTALLY GOT YOU, BRO. I TOTALLY GOT YOU!"

After that, they go back to his place to have dinner and Dez gets a rose, because she is the best and I like her.

4

I have Jef with One F flashbacks and feel like we might be watching the girl who's gonna win. She's like Zooey Deschanel if Zooey Deschanel was likable and attractive. So, not like Zooey Deschanel.

Sean says to her that he wants to marry his best friend, to which she says, "you wanna be my best friend?" in a happy little voice, and either every girl loves her or just fucking hates her right now. Just like Anne Hathaway.

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I'm going to give you a rose to signify that I'd consider either dating you or 18 other women.

The lead up to the rose ceremony is always fun, because it's sort of like if someone filmed the desperate thirty minutes that lead up to closing time at a bar.

Key takeaways:

- Sean says he feels like he got to see another side of Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, which was probably the side that wasn't crazy and wearing a wedding dress on a first date. Who are we kidding, though. She is. I also just really wish she'd just go with "Teacher". Believe in yourself, Lindsay. Believe.

5

- Amanda, the girl who I said was normal in the first recap, is fucking crazy, it turns out.

6

- Tierra still isn't here to make friends.

- Robyn, the black girl who's pretty much a white girl, asks Sean if he would date a black girl.

7

He answers by saying that he has dated a Persian, a Mexican AND a black person, so TAKE THAT. I think to myself, "And now a girl with one arm, Sean. And now a girl with one arm."

- Leslie, the girl who Sean sits in dark rooms with, says that she feels like Amanda is playing games with Sean.

8

For the record, they are on a show that is, in fact, a game.

Sean eliminates Diana, the single mom who stares at streams, and tells her that he just didn't feel like it was right to keep her away from her girls if he didn't feel like he saw something long term between them.

Which is a nice way of saying, "The last time I was on a show where a woman had children from a previous marriage and I was trying to marry her, I was forced to lie and say that I was interested in becoming her child's Dad. That is not the case anymore, so let's cut the bullshit."

ELIMINATED:

Katie, the yoga instructor who looked like the main character from the animated film Brave.

Diane, the single mom who stares at streams.

One of the black girls that I'm not sure spoke during this episode, because you can't have more than three black girls on this show at once.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Kristy, because she is a model who is not attractive and doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities.

Taryn, because I think she's like 48.

Leslie, because she is a poker dealer and those usually don't go well with family values.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Dez, because she is the best.

Selma, because she may or may not believe she's in a Disney film and Sean is about as interesting as Prince Eric.

Kacie, because when your job is "Ben's Season" and you're getting roses, this show can't really be about trying to get to know people so why not.

See you next week, everyone.

 

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.