Welcome to Season 17 of The Bachelor on ABC, where people make the conscious decision to find love/get married on a television show by competing against 25 or more other people who hate them for a stranger that they do not know but may have seen on television before, which is healthy. In the 16 previous seasons, only one couple that formed on the show has actually gotten married. That couple was formed when the guy dumped the girl he picked on the show for the one he did not pick on the show, so basically every woman's feelings about male behavior actualized.
Alternatively, a show called "The Biggest Loser," in which fat people get "not fat" has produced five couples that actually fell in love.
If you're keeping score at home, and/or looking into finding your husband or wife on a television show: your best bet is to get morbidly obese and have people root for you to not be morbidly obese as opposed to going on the "I want to fall in love so desperately I'm willing to do it in a really desperate manner" show.
And that's exactly why it's more fun to watch the "I want to fall in love so desperately I'm willing to do it in a really desperate manner" show.
Our bachelor is Sean Lowe, the guy from Texas who lost on the last season of The Bachelorette who always yelled the name of the place he was in who also never wore sunglasses when he should have.
Here are the key takeaways from the intro portion of the premiere on what to expect from this season:
1) Sean is going to take his shirt off a lot. 2) The girls are for the most part emotionally unstable and they are going to cry a lot. 3) There will be black people on the show for more than one episode. (!!)
Two more quotes to note, and then we'll introduce our 26 contestants.
- On not winning Emily's hand on The Bachelorette: "God still has a plan for me." Which was apparently another televised round-robin marriage tournament, because we all know how much God loves reality television marriage tournaments when making plans for people, that rascal.
- When describing what it felt like to have his heart broken by Emily: "It just hit me. Like heartbreak."
I feel as though this season's episode recaps are going to write themselves. Like recaps.
-- Episode #1: Do you want to marry me? I'm probably batshit crazy with an unbelievable amount of baggage because I am on this television show.
Below are general recaps of Sean and the 26 women who are vying for the chance to join him in yelling the name of the place they're in for the rest of their lives.
The Bachelor: Sean Lowe
How He Was Introduced On The Show: Working out. Because Sean works out.
Chances of Winning: Not 100%, shockingly. The "batshit crazy" in the pool of ladies is pretty formidable this year.
Sean is very good looking and wears either a deep v or "not a shirt" at all times. He is very family oriented and loves God. Like, a lot. He was a pretty strong front-runner on the last season of The Bachelorette, but in a bizarro turn, the cheerleader picked the hipster (Jef with one F) instead of the jock. In a surprise twist that will forever compete with the ending of The Sixth Sense, the hipster turned out to be a super douchey emo guy (YOU FUCKING BROKE MY HEART, ONE F. YOU FUCKING BROKE ALL OF OUR HEARTS) whom she would later break up with, and I'm fairly certain Emily is going to watch every episode of this season of The Bachelor while eating 4,297 pints of ice cream lamenting her bad decision making skills. I don't have too many bad things to say about Sean, because he's probably a pretty nice guy who tells jokes that you feel obligated to laugh at even though they aren't funny because oh he means well.
Just as it works on The Bachelorette, Sean met each as they got out of a limo, one by one, because that’s how real life works when you are looking to get married.
Occupation: Bridal Stylist
Chance of Winning: "I'm listening..." percent.
Desiree is a bridal stylist who's never been married, which sort of seems like a virgin who's a sex therapist. She's interesting because she seems pretty normal and sweet and I'd think girls would like her a lot. Then you hear her talk about the other girls and it's clear that she's a total two-faced bitch. In other words: she's got a shot.
Occupation: Leasing Consultant / This season's absolute total crazy bitch.
Chance of Winning: Let's hope a billion percent because this girl is an exciting train wreck.
There is nothing more exciting than when you meet and know you've met "the crazy bitch" on shows like this. Tierra has a tattoo of an unfinished heart on her finger because she's waiting to find the man that completes it, because that's not a red flag for any man, ever. She states that she wants to have a family, because she's family oriented, and considering that Sean said that experiencing heartbreak felt like "heartbreak," I'm pretty sure these two are meant for each other. Tierra is given a rose by Sean straight out of the limo, which is an unprecedented move that makes every girl hate her immediately, which is really exciting. In the previews for this season, she at one point gets assaulted by another girl and ends up in a neck brace. I'm going to say this part again: her name is Tierra.
Occupation: Oilfield Account Manager / Jesus, could you have a job title that screams "I'm from Texas" any louder
Chance of Winning: 1%, but only because she's from Texas and I could see that tricking Sean's Sean brain.
Robyn is part of The Bachelor's 2012 Affirmative Action program, as she is one of 4 (4!!) black people that the producers allowed on their "we're not being racist, this is just usually an only white people show" show. She is really into doing headstands and shit, and she tries to do a backflip after she gets out of the limo and falls on her face. It's awkward, not because she doesn't land a backflip getting out of a limo, but because she honestly thought her best shot at getting married on national television was doing a back flip and then introducing herself to someone as a grown up who does grown up things.
Occupation: Hair Salon Owner / Token Single Mom
Chance of Winning: "Do you wanna be the family values guy who gets his cover blown, Sean? DO YOU?" percent.
Diana is essentially Emily from The Bachelorette before everyone hated Emily. She is the single mom that women will like because women like a single mom who's not a bitch that they can root for, it's practically science. This is a smart move by the producers: when a guy says he's family oriented over and over again, he'd look like a dick if he didn't pick a woman because she was so family oriented that she had some family oriented sex and made some family oriented babies that she wants him to family orientedly raise. Diana talks quietly and stands by streams and stares off into the distance in her montage, so you know she's a good person. Because good people whisper and stare longingly by streams.
Occupation: Graphic Designer / HOLY SHIT, SHE ONLY HAS ONE ARM
Chance of Winning: "I want to make a joke about her but I can't" percent.
Sarah has one arm and was put on the show as a cruel joke because:
1) She won't win because look, she has one arm and if you went on a TV show to find a wife that's probably not going to be your selection. This isn't OkCupid where you're just a nice guy, looking to find a girl, whatever she's like, winkyface!
2) We cannot say anything mean about Sarah, even though I'm pretty sure I just did.
She made it through this round, but she won't make it much further. The evidence of this, as pointed out by my girlfriend:
"Well, in all of the end of the season shots in the preview, there are two arms. So."
Name: Ashley P
Occupation: Hair Stylist
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
Ashley's opening statement is that she cannot understand why she's still single. Immediately following this, she talks about her cat, how much she loves Fifty Shades of Grey and then says out loud on national television that she hopes Sean will strip her and spank her. At the mansion, she goes on to dance to like a stripper to music that doesn't play, falls over often and drinks too much. So, yeah. The reason she's single is fairly unclear. I miss her already.
Occupation: Political Consultant
Chances of Winning: "I need more time with this one" percent.
Leslie is a political consultant in D.C. who seems like a smart person and I'm immediately pretty sure she's got a shot. She then goes on to say that there's a famous saying that you can take the girl out of Arkansas but you can't take the Arkansas out of the girl, and I'm fairly certain that there is not, in fact, a famous saying that says that and now do not believe she has a great shot. She then yells Sean's name out loud a bunch in the middle of D.C., the same way Sean used to aimlessly yell "EMILY" out loud in random cities and i'm pretty sure she's got a shot again. Then she gets out of the limo with a football, asks him to hike it to her and he bends over in her face for a while while she yells into his ass uncomfortably close, and now I do not believe she has a great shot again. I have a feeling it's going to be like this with Leslie for a while.
Occupation: Ford Model
Chances of Winning: "Probably high, because she's a model and I've heard guys like models" percent.
Kristy is a model who is not that good looking, which is weird because I feel like that's the only part of the job that's super important. I'd say she had zero shot of winning, but she wore a cross in her picture so I'm sure she's gonna pull the bullshit "You love God? I LOVE GOD!" angle and stick around for a while. In her montage, she works out a ton and we all leave it knowing that she's having tons of porn star sex with her trainer because she got to where she was today studying modeling textbooks.
Occupation: Organizer / Having OCD
Chances of Winning: "I'm pretty sure she's going to win" percent.
AshLee is my front runner. While her job is simply a clever harnessing of a disorder and she spells her name like a stripper or someone who doesn't understand how to spell things, she's also really really ridiculously good looking. Throw in the fact that she's from Texas, has the "I was adopted" card and really loves God...it's like we're playing Sean bingo.
Occupation: Cosmetics Consultant
Chances of Winning: "Probably not really" percent.
Jackie gets out of the limo, puts on lipstick and kisses Sean on the cheek to leave a mark in what's supposed to be an adorable flirtatious gesture. It just sort of comes off as a crazy girl pissing on a human fire hydrant. I really don't care that much about Jackie, and would love to know when we started calling someone who sells lipstick a consultant and/or why we don't call the people who work at McDonald's hamburger consultants, then.
Occupation: Casting Consultant
Chances of Winning: "She's blond, so she's got that going for her" percent.
To make herself memorable, Danielle decides to get out of the limo and bro-five Sean in a really awkward moment where we realize Sean doesn't know how to do "down low" in the high five sequence. I'm not sure who lost more there, in terms of pride. I realize she is not, in fact, memorable as I write this sentence.
Occupation: Cruise Ship Entertainer. Seriously.
Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED, which you probably knew right after you read "Cruise Ship Entertainer"
Kelly's move to get Sean to think she's a keeper is to sing a song about the two of them meeting, right when she meets him. As we all know, the best move on a blind date is to show up and sing a song about the person in a cabaret-like fashion. She cries after being eliminated and says, "who would want to date a girl who sings a song on The Bachelor and gets kicked off the first week" and we're all just really confused about whether or not it's a rhetorical question.
Occupation: Yoga Instructor (yeeeeeah)
Chances of Winning: "Depends on how soon she plays the 'I'm Soooooo Flexible wink wink' card" percent.
Katie is a yoga instructor who isn't really attractive, is in no way Sean's type and isn't wearing shoes when she shows up. All of those things point to "she should lose." However, she's a yoga instructor, and in the back of every guy's mind when girls talk about yoga is the fact that yoga is a class in which a girl learns one mallion bagillion sexual positions. So.
Occupation: Health Club Owner
Chances of Winning: "Eh, maybe" percent.
Taryn isn't very intersting and cries a lot in the first episode, and while we all love to watch girls cry on television, we don't because I'm kidding and it gets old fast. But, she likes working out (which I'm fairly certain is the only thing Sean knows how to do) and she's the "oh I never watch the show" contestant, and those ones always stay on for an unreasonably long amount of time. Then she becomes the girl who says "I hate competing for guys" on the "competing for guys" television show and yep, we're done.
Occupation: Real Estate Developer
Chances of Winning: "She did a magic trick that involved her boobs, so anything goes" percent.
I don't remember much about Selma besides the fact that right after Jackie, the girl who pulled the "pissing on the fire hydrant" move went, Selma got out of the limo and pulled a napkin out of her boob and wiped the lipstick off of Sean's face. It was either a sort of slutty move or a neat magic trick, and I'm not sure any of us know which one it was yet.
Occupation: Poker Dealer
Chances of Winning: "The odds of you winning anything in Vegas, ever (see what I did there?)" percent.
Leslie gets out of the limo and calls Sean a hunk, a word that hasn't been used since 1927. She then says, "holy toledo!" and you know what? I'm sold. She's got just about a 0% chance of winning but she said "hunk" and "holy toledo" and I'm sold.
Occupation: Graphic Designer
Chances of Winning: "I don't remember her that well. So." percent.
Besides the fact that she's oddly the second contestant to call Sean a hunk, I couldn't remember much about Catherine, so I checked ABC's Bachelor website to read up on her, and this is what I found:
Q: What are the top 3 things on your bucket list, and why?
A: To eat traditional pasta in Italy, to go skiing in the Alps, and to ride an elephant in Thailand.
It just bothers me that she doesn't answer why, because she's probably going to lose and we may never know. We may never know.
Occupation: Jumbotron Operator
Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED
Paige has now been kicked off The Bachelor Pad and The Bachelor without making it through an episode, which feels sort of like going back to high school when you're in your mid-twenties twice only to be told that it's still high school and everyone's still an asshole and doesn't like you. She's not a bad person, so no one feels good watching the puppy get kicked. She apparently operates a jumbotron so we can't really feel that bad for her. Isn't she sort of already the real winner?
Occupation: Fit Model
Chances of Winning: "Aggressively high" percent.
Amanda gets out of the limo and tells Sean that they're going to have an awkward silence now to avoid ever having to have one later. They have an awkward silence and it's awkward. She's good looking and normal-ish so I don't care and hope she is in the final three because I am selfish.
Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED
Keriann is an entrepreneur. So, she's unemployed. She tells Sean that she's driven over 2700 miles to take a chance on him (because entrepreneurs take chances!), though i'm not sure that it's taking a chance really if you don't have a job and basically just took a road trip on your free time because your free time is "always". Hopefully she'll make an app about being eliminated now.
Occupation: Community Organizer
Chances of Winning: "Oh hell yeah, we got a real black chick on the show finally?" percent.
Brooke literally purrs in Sean's ear. I remember nothing else about her except for the fact that I was excited that a more ghetto-y chick got through the first round, because the fights that could happen, guys. The fights.
Name: Ashley H
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED
This is the slutty black girl they put on the show to see if Sean would blink and eliminate, seemingly only because she was black. He did. Sadly, she probably cannot blink, because her face doesn't move.
Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED/"She threatened that her father would kill Sean within 1 minute of meeting him" percent.
Lauren is from an Italian family. She lets Sean know this, and then tells him that her father said that if he hurts her, he'd kill him, because they are in a relationship and this is how you talk to strangers that you've never met before. For some reason, Sean does not pick her.
Occupation: Substitute Teacher
Chance of Winning: "She didn't get eliminated after wearing a wedding dress to a first date, so I'm at a loss" percent.
Lindsay got out of the limo wearing a wedding dress, because she's, "just a big goofball!" She then gets so hammered that she can barely talk throughout the night and cries about the fact that Sean might not get that it was all just a big "joke" because she's "such a goofball!" If a guy showed up to a first date with multiple photoshopped pictures of him with the girl he was meeting for the first time and he told her it was just because he was just a "big goofball," I'm pretty sure someone would call the police. Sean doesn't eliminate her, because I give up.
Occupation: Administrative Assistant
Chance of Winning: "Probably" percent.
Kacie is revealed as the "mystery" contestant and was apparently on Ben's season and almost won. The girls think it is unfair that she is getting a second chance at the "I'm the prettiest princess" contest because they are, in their eyes, the prettiest princess and if she already wore the tiara she doesn't get to wear it again. I have a feeling she gets close to winning, because girls hate her and that's what this show is all about at the end of the day: girls hating other girls for petty reasons.
And that's where we're at. From here on out I'll review scene by scene like the last season of The Bachelorette.
It's a hard job reviewing sub-par television that makes you feel like you're wasting your life away with every second that it's on the screen.
To be fair, no one has to do it. But, let's be real.
This shit is a fantastic train wreck.
See you all next week.