That's My Coat. That's Why It Doesn't Match My Suit, Idiot.

So I have a bad track record of losing things (dignity included) at weddings. I know this is common for a lot of people, and is essentially the point of said festivity, but I just can't seem to stop myself before I start. I think it's because the last two that I've been to, I've been in the oh-so-coveted category of single people. And what do single people do at weddings? They drink. A lot. Because they get there and realize that the whole myth of weddings being a big club med of attractive single friends of the bride is...well a myth. It's actually (get this) a bunch of couples whose significant others will no doubt spend the whole evening dropping hints at how they'd sure like to get married soon, too. And old people. And caterers who don't want to do you because you aren't Vinny Chase (yeah, you saw that episode...it doesn't happen). Where was I. Drinking and losing things. So I went to a wedding this weekend, and it was amazing due to said drinking. Because I realized early that out of the 500 people at the wedding only 14 of them were single and most of them were guys, I figured I'd just embarrass myself instead. This included, but was not limited to: a thriller dance off (I hung in there...I hung in there...), grabbing the mic from the wedding singer during Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer", being told by a girl that my job sounded stupid (to be fair, she was like a "performance specialist", which i'm pretty sure is like saying you are the best pencil sharpener-erer), ordering drinks by color as opposed to name ("red", "white" and "orange" were definitely thrown out there...I do not know an orange drink either, don't worry) and arguably accidentally dancing with a cougar to a black eyed peas song (I would say no shame, but there is a lot of it). Needless to say, I danced without my coat on. If you are Drew Hoolhorst at a wedding, this is a big mistake.

Considering I lost my jacket at the last wedding I went to, you'd think I'd carry that thing around like Linus with his blankey. False. Even better this time, it wasn't my coat: I was borrowing my brothers suit because I still haven't found my coat from the last wedding I went to where I "left my coat at my other house"...which is what I told my mom after I got driven home by a police officer who found me asleep on a street corner because a taxi had called in that someone was dead. So when I couldn't find my coat at the end of the night, I did the only logical thing someone could do and just grabbed the first one I found on a chair. Hey, it fit nicely. Why not.

Waiting on the booze bus that was to drive us home with my friend Brooks laughing about our night, a guy walks up and the following conversation occurs:

Guy with no coat: "Hey man, I think that's my coat you're wearing."

Drew: "No, it's not. Anyways Brooks, so she does the thriller move with the head shake, and i'm nervous but i'm ready to challenge back and..."

Guy: "No, seriously, that's my coat man, I'm almost positive."

Drew: "Seriously man, it's my coat. I know this for a fact." (I in no way know this for a fact)

Guy: "Can I see it?"

Drew: "What? No!"

At this point, I realize that hey, I stole someone's coat earlier, so I should at least check out what I'm wearing. Turns out the coat in no way matches my pants. Sooo that's cool.

Drew: "Hey, weird, this is your coat! Sorry man!"

Guy: "...."

Instead of getting out of the bus to now look for my coat that I am not wearing, I figure it's best I just go home and drink more. Why would I go find my coat at a country club I've never been to and would have trouble finding again?

So today, I awkwardly call the country club and say I was at a wedding and left a coat there. Great conversation.

Country Club Man: "Can you describe the coat?"

Drew: "Yeah, it's like...a suit coat. And it's kinda blue. Ish. And it's nice."

Country Club Man: "Sir. We have many coats here."

Drew: "Okay great! I mean one's probably mine. I'll stop by later."

So when I get there tonight, I ask if there are any coats there. The guy looked at me like I just said I was Ned Schneebly, the sausage king of Chicago, and proceeded to bring out five jackets. After eyeballing them and realizing I had no idea what it looked like, I then pulled the pair of pants I had brought to match them together out of a brown safeway bag. I think I just did this to scare the rich man with my silly poor person antics. After matching them, I said to the guy, "Welp, guess I better drink less next time huh? This must happen all the time!" He said nothing and went back to his office. Priceless.

I think I will keep my coat on next time. Adam, I'm pretty sure I got yours, but no guarantee it is actually yours.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.