Text Messages. From The Future.

I was sending my friend Patrick a text this morning to find out where we were meeting for our morning coffee date (ADORABLE), and apparently I accidentally emailed him. Now, if you are one of the "everyone" who has a phone that sends email, AND you work in a funny haha industry, you'll know that it's almost custom to have a funny email signature. My friend, for instance, has one that says "Sent from my mini robot." Another person I know has one that says "Sent from my pocket", which actually always just kind of creeps me out. Anyways, mine says "Sent from the future" because I think that's hilarious and have no idea why. When he got to coffee he asked me about why I had sent him this message from the future. I laughed, and then he got very serious and asked that if I had really been in the future, wouldn't I have known where to meet him for coffee? GET IT? We're hilarious. But wait, we are. So I started thinking about it, and I thought about how cool it would be if there was such a thing as "Future Text Messaging" and then in turn I thought about all the hilllARRRRious things one would say with such a technology. I then wasted a part of my morning writing them out during a meeting. Because this is what I do with my time. So this is what I would text people from the future text messaging service, with a rationale as to why I would in each situation with each imaginary person. I promise I talk to people in real life and am not a homeless person who thinks of stuff like this when he talks to no one. Ever. Am I talking? Here they are.

"HA HA HA!" Oh, I was just anticipating you'd be having a conversation with people and no one would laugh at your joke, and I'd want to make you feel good, so I wrote you to say, "HA HA HA!" to let you know that I laughed approximately three times, and it is in capitals as though to say that it was, in fact, a hearty chuckle.

"That coffee is too hot." In the future, I will know that the coffee you were about to drink is too hot. Please do not drink it, or at least give it a minute or two. Or do that thing where you blow on it, as though this will do anything to cool the scalding hot beverage down because you have magical ice breath.

"Don't eat the pizza." This is to me about when I have the choice between pizza and not pizza. I will inevitably avoid this future text, and future me is pissed even writing this. Do I ever listen? Why does future me even bother.

"I love you" This was anticipating you'd be totally into me by now. As you have zero interest in me as of yet, I thought i'd just throw this out there just in case things turned around. If this is the future where you aren't in love with me, sorry, this was a creepy future message.

"Look out!" Self explanatory. You probably got this though and already got hit by whatever it is that was biking by or whatever, so you're probably on the ground and thinking, man I wish someone would write me a message from the future to say "hey, look out, maybe to your right to be exact." I'll be future faster next time.

"Do we have to talk about this now?" Because in the future, whatever the problem is, I probably want to know if we really have to talk about this right now because I'm busy doing other stuff and/or I just don't really want to have this conversation. Just a given.

"I'm sorry you have VD." This is a really mean one, because I probably could have told you not to hook up with that girl at the bar and/or I could have reiterated the fact that I'd really like you to maybe use protection if you do so. Sorry, I was future drunk and forgot to tell you. I can't always be future perfect.

"I know, can you believe that's how they ended that shit after all of that?" This is the message I send you from the future when the final episode of Lost airs and we're all inevitably pissed at however they end it. Future "Fill In Your Own Name Here" will probably write this message, too, to many other people.

"Don't ever act again." This is to Elizabeth Berkeley immediately after she says the "I'm so exciiited, I'm sooo...scaaaared!" line in that episode of Saved By The Bell. That is the best line you will ever have in your career, Elizabeth, and you should just stop right now. Showgirls is not a good career move, no matter what they tell you.

"Maybe don't do that." This is to Tiger Woods. About anything he will ever do, ever.

"I can't believe we finally met and you're in love with me, yes I'll make out with you!" This is the future message I send to Anne Hathaway. We're future laughing about how silly it is now, because we future can't believe that we didn't know each other when I wrote this post!

I'll end right there, because that's as creepy as I can get. I think.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.