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Why I Stopped Following You Or Defriended You On A Popular Social Network

I'm passive aggressively letting you know that I'm not concerned with your life's mundane activities anymore. I'm aggressively letting you know that I'm over you.

You talk about your baby too much. I don't have a baby, so this makes no sense to me. Don't be offended, it's more like a hobby that I don't understand. Maybe when I have a baby we can be friends again.

#youwrite #toomany things with #hashtags in it and I fE#el Like I'm #reading transmissions from a ro#bot.

You got a boyfriend, and it sorta bummed me out.

You are having entire back and forth conversations with your friend (that have gone way beyond the internet socially acceptable one to two public replies) and you're clogging up my feed.

You just keep saying how much you hate "New Facebook" on Facebook and Twitter.

(Ugh. I hate New Facebook.)

You have tweeted over ten times in the last 15 minutes. Most people don't say that many things in public.

You're at Coachella and I'm not. Fuck. I should have gone to Coachella.

You checked into Walgreens on foursquare, and then posted that on Facebook and Twitter. It was unimportant on the first social network you used. Three was overkill.

We went to high school together. I didn't know you then. Turns out you're still not saying anything interesting.

You followed me. I didn't know who you were, but I followed you back. But then I realized you don't live anywhere near me and we share nothing in common. I'm trying to gracefully irish exit this online friendship. Don't make it weird.

You are a porn star who used to be funny and post inappropriate things, but now you just talk about being a vegan, which is sorta like birthday cake becoming lima beans.

You write blog posts that seem to be primarily about yourself, and then you post them on every social network that you are on, and it doesn't seem like you have any shame in your self promotion.

You stopped following me and it hurt me for some surprising reason. Now I'm not following you to make a point.

Wait, so you noticed I stopped following you? So you DO still think about me. Okay, I'll follow you again.

You are tweeting about how crazy your office is, and telling me that "this is how you roll at (blank corporation)." I don't work at (blank corporation), and really, you only needed to notify me of how you roll once.

You write replies to over 6 people in a tweet. Again: most people don't talk to this many people at once in public. You have used your entire 140 characters to identify the names you would like to speak to, thus not allowing yourself space to say anything. You're doing it wrong.

You are writing an inside joke that I don't get, and since I don't get it, I'm going to throw down my internet and get angwy because I WANNA BE IN ON THE JOKE, TOO.

You just keep saying you're hungry. Or that you want to nap. I mean, just go for it. We're not dating, you do not need my internet permission.

Your new profile picture makes you look less attractive than I remember you being.

Your profile picture is your dog or cat.

Your profile picture is you and your boyfriend. Look, I tried to hang in there when you got a boyfriend, and at start I just buried you on my feed. But now you commented on a mutual friend's post and I saw that profile picture and we gotta end this. I'm sorry.

You are being vague about everything you talk about. I honestly just don't know what you're talking about anymore. Are you sad? Are you happy? Do you WANT to tell the internet what's going on? Do you NOT want to tell the internet what's going on? Why are you talking to the internet?

You are posting about political things using poor grammar. I can't tell you how dead to me you are.

I literally don't know who you are and don't know how you ended up on my feed. Did I follow you when I was drunk or something? This is more my problem. I'm sorry. Awkward.

Your name is @BrendanGahan and you mostly just post surf videos with the word "epic" or "gnar" attached to it. Just kidding, Brendan. I love you. #insidejoke #hashtag

(The writer acknowledges that more than 120% of these insights are probably things he has done or will do in the future, and in some cases, was even using multiple iterations of things he was making fun in one insight so as to make an ironic point of how he is part of the nerdy internet problem he is trying to write a humorous post about. Please get the joke, Internet. Please.)

 

I Didn't Know You Were Interested In Me Like That, @19Virgin69...

Twitter, in general, is an odd place. I am the first to admit that I'm a tad obsessed with it. I think the selling point for me was this: if you talk way too much, and sometimes people don't listen to you and this upsets you, just go to twitter. You can say things here, and if no one listens to you? You'll NEVER know it! It's also kind of like drunk texting the entire world. All at once. And drunk texting, while a horrible idea, is absolutely fantastic. Moving on. It's kind of exciting when someone follows you on twitter, right? It's like someone saying, "hey, I enjoy you." You feel like you got picked for the basketball team or something. It's nice. When it's a random person you don't know? This to me is oddly the highest form of flattery. It means your useless shouting IS enjoyable to someone. Just think how much happier crazy homeless people would be if you could follow them on twitter. I mean, you're homeless, and then some guy says, "Oh hey man, I loved that crazy thing you tweeted last night about how you gotta put the lotion in the basket and then you said you were going to eat a cat! HILARIOUS! Were you wasted, or WHAT??" People love to be recognized. Maybe it's a strange pathetic part of human nature, but there's something nice about someone noticing you.

And that's why my biggest let downs lately have been all the fake porn profiles that have started following me. I get an email from twitter, I kind of anxiously peer into what interesting new person I don't know is following me, and it turns out to be...katarina6969, who "just wants fuck all time who boys want party?" So in honor of all these loyal new followers I've accumulated,  I've decided today to go through a few of my favorite adders and discuss a little about what I really liked about them.

1. @txdollg8g8

txdollg8g8

Let's start with her name. Lora, not "Laura". This tells me she's a unique and free spirit, that she doesn't just play by the rules and use conventional spellings like everyone else. No, no...Lora lives on the edge. Now, Lora's handle also tells me a few personal things about her, and I really like that she's willing to share that. She's from Texas...and by saying that she's a "texas doll", I can only imagine that this girl is a serious flirt! You minx, Lora. In her bio, she keeps it conversational. By starting with "here goes nothing", I can tell she's nervous about this "twitter" thing, but she's willing to give it a shot. After all, she loves biking, horse back riding, and did she say slumber parties....tell me MORE, Lora. Tell me MORE.

Upon clicking on Lora's website, it turns out Lora is actually into porn and really intense slumber parties. My slumber parties now seem REALLY lame compared to Lora's, in fact.

2. @19Virgin69

19Virgin69

What I really like about 19Virgin69 is the subtlety she is going with. She could have been blunt about the fact that maybe, just maybe, she likes to party...but instead, she wants me to get to know her first over at her website. I can tell she's into the arts because she's a dancer...and a webcam model. I thought about being a little forward with her and asking if she'd like to come over late one night...but...I dunno. She doesn't sound like the type of girl who just gets in bed with anyone. Plus, I mean, she's a virgin. She's just waiting for the right guy..."are you him?" God I hope so, 19Virgin69...God I hope so...

3. @KellyBeachbabe8

KellyBeachbabe8

What I enjoy the most about Kelly (I can call her that, we're twitter friends), is that her name implies that "KellyBeachbabe" #'s 1-7 weren't available as handles. It's a bummer too, because she seems like the hottest KellyBeachbabe, so maybe the others should just let her have the screen name already. What's cool about Kelly is that she just seems to be about going outside (OMG JUST LIKE ME!) and playing volleyball, hanging out, whatever. As long as there's a beach, sounds like Kelly and I are both gonna have a "sun-is-out-fun-is-out" attitude! I dig that about her. She also loves hanging with the "gurlies", not the girlies. That's how I know she's playful and fun. When I clicked through to her website, it appears she's also into filming herself having graphic sex. Well, you think you know a person, and then...

4. @pornvids

@pornvids

Last, but not least, my personal favorite: pornvids. You know why I like you, pornvids? Because while Kelly, 19Virgin69 and Lora led me on and then pulled the rug out, you just let me know right away what you were all about. Porn. Porn vids, to be exact. And so you know what? High five, pornvids. I'm a little freaked out by the fact that your most recent update is "cock-hungry shemale", as these aren't my exact interests in this department.

But you make up for it by having a profile picture with a cat staring at boobs in it.