Tiger Woods Is Good At Golf But Not At Picking Attractive People To Sleep With

Sound soother companies need some new "not batshit crazy" people at the creative table. I have a sleeping problem. Of course I do: I'm a white guy! We are always "concerned" about something, or have some problem that is just "so tough on us", you know, like the fact that our Prius has brake warnings or some shit like that. Oh, white people. The advent of the iPhone app store, though, has been a serious boon: you can download a program that has soothing sounds that lull you to sleep. Great concept. However, they have some really poor execution it turns out.

Ambiance, the application, comes with a billion sounds that you can download, and most of them are standard: rainforest (you know, for all those times you remember falling asleep...in the rainforest), thunderstorm (re: white people), ocean (re: rich white people), etc. And then there are the other sounds available for download. Let me run down a few. (note: I am not making a SINGLE one of these up)

- Emergency Room (because the sounds of screaming and people dying always puts me right out)

- Heart Monitor (maybe you enjoy the sound of something that monitors if you are going to die or not)

- Muzzle of Bees (everyone is scared of bees, so this one is logical for "things that calm me down")

- Electric Knife Sharpener (um...)

- Forest Fire (!!!)

- Warfare (wow.)

So basically, you can choose between "tranquil sounds of nature" or "you're going to die/biblical plagues and things that kill you". Does the app double as something you can use to torture people to get information out of them at Guantanamo Bay? Just for fun, I just searched "death" as a joke in the application and got the results "snake pit" and "FerrariF456". So apparently, they need to work on their search algorithm as well. (Snake pit?!? Really?!?)

Tiger Woods doesn't have a sex addiction problem, he has an "I shouldn't have gotten married" problem.

The Tiger Woods thing is just getting weirder and funnier by the day. In a classic celebrity twist, he held a press conference with select people to tell them that he was sorry that he was a jerk, but that more importantly he has a "problem" (and by "problem" he means he likes to do it with girls and made that silly mistake of getting married) and needs to go seek help at a rehab facility. Is the rehab facility called "I'm a dick and cheat on my wife", Tiger?

Here's the thing: I don't really care. It turns out you just held a press conference called "I'm a guy and wanted to have sex." Great. You don't have a sex addiction problem. You have an "I'm a dickface" problem. And honestly? That's cool! Turns out I just like watching you hit a little white ball and don't really care in turn who you sleep with or what your favorite color is. I just want you to hit the ball really well. Hold a press conference with your wife, because she is the one who actually cares what you do with your bits and pieces. He could honestly wear panties during the Masters, and as long as he keeps being really really ridiculously good at golf? I'm fine with that. Have at it, bud. My only request is that you start sleeping with better looking women if I have to watch the press conference about it. I feel like a guy with a friend who keeps hooking up with ugly chicks at the bar and then telling me later he really regrets that. Just stop hooking up with the ugly chicks, then.

People need to stop going to rehab facilities for sex addiction, because i'm pretty sure the facility is called "don't get married". Now hit the white ball again, please.

Traveling with an iPhone is like finally figuring out what it's like to be a meth addict without the cool "I'm a drug addict and can write a memoir about this later" part.

I was at SFO recently waiting for a flight, and since my flight was delayed I decided to play solitaire. Some people have friends they call, I have solitaire. And I'm okay with that. I digress. The iPhone's greatest feature is that it runs for about 13 minutes after you charge it.

So this is what iPhone owners have become: creepy guys with cords scratching their face, searching for outlets they can mainline off of for like, 2 minute intervals. JUST TO GET MORE JUICE. I NEED MORE JUICE. YOU GOT MORE JUICE? It's sick. I feel like I may as well be mumbling to myself while eating random crumbs of a muffin out of my pocket or something creepy like that.

You just wander around, randomly searching for outlets and when you find one, you plug in and sit there Indian style on a floor just to get your fix for a few minutes. You know who else has behavior like this? Drug addicts. So that's cool. I've been whittled down to a meth head just to get my fix of solitaire or to figure out if anyone has tweeted anything funny recently. Sometimes I'm so white it hurts my feelings.

I also realize that I just wrote "Indian style", and when reading that back, I realized that this is, in fact, not okay to say, ever. But saying sitting cross legged just doesn't get the point across. Oh, accidental racism. I wish you didn't work as a perfect imagery device.

On that note.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 23: Songs That Are Better Than Tiger Woods At Picking Attractive People To Sleep With Them

As always click on the link above to stream it.

Or you can download the whole thing in all its mp3 glory right here.

Sometimes, White People Are Just Really White

So Brendan, aka the heterosexual life partner to myself, really loves T-Pain. Brendan also is incredibly tone deaf. This is not exaggerated at all. He honestly sings like this to himself. And often. It's like watching a funny American Idol contestant. But everyday. At the desk next to me. After acquiring the new T-Pain iPhone app that allows you to autotune your own voice (so EVERY white person can sound like they did in Cabo San Lucas for spring break!!), Brendan has basically been like a kid with a new tonka truck. He won't stop. And since he had no shame, I decided to videotape him. Ladies & gentlemen, "Bartender".

(Who says "videotape"? What am I, 74 years old? Somebody grab me the geritol!)

(Sidenote: I think it's more embarrassing that I giggle like a nine year old girl.)

There's An App For That

If you ever doubted why you need a pretentious device like an iPhone, I'm pretty sure my roommate Dave and I just answered all of your hesitations. So Dave and I were having a normal Tuesday evening conversation. You know, about how he's not caught up in True Blood and how he'd really like it if I didn't spoil it for him. After this, we discussed the new issue of O magazine and then held hands skipping to Safeway to buy the newest issue of Tiger Beat. I'm kidding about the skipping and holding hands (but I'd probably buy Tiger Beat...only if Chace Crawford was on the cover or there was a pull-out poster of Taylor Lautner in it).

So I tell Dave that in the second to last episode of True Blood, he'll learn that there is actually a famous monster summit, and we learn that Bill is, in fact, Dracula and that the entire show actually revolves around the plot of the 1987 underrated cult classic film "Monster Squad". This, of course, goes into the only logical segway of this conversation: were Count Chocula and Boo Berry invited?

After a brief chuckle, we got into an obviously serious conversation about the monster cereals and who was what. Only able to name the Count and our main man Boo, we began to wonder who the others were. And then of course, we did what white people in San Francisco do: we whipped out our iPhones to get to the bottom of things.

Within possibly seven seconds, the search for "Count Chocula" garnered the greatest google result ever: a General Mills monster-themed breakfast cereals wikipedia page. (Um, what? Who has the TIME to create this page? Did they also spend a Saturday night filling out the wikipedia page for Teen Wolf Too?) (Second grammatically incorrect usage of parentheses: I love that it's called "Teen Wolf Too" and not "Teen Wolf 2"...I hope the intern who shouted that out during the pitch meeting is running a studio somewhere now)

We were relieved to find out that, yes, the Count was in fact a pun on the vampire Count Dracula. PHEW! Thanks, wikipedia nerd! Furthermore, his cohorts were as we suspected for the most part: Frankenberry, Boo Berry, and two lesser knowns that apparently didn't make the "your dentist hates you" cereal cut and were discontinued...Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy. Can you imagine that meeting?

Monster-Themed Cereal Executive #1: "While I'm totally for the chocolate cereal and the marshmallow cereal, the lime cereal is a bit worrisome health-wise...and the mummy, frankly, is going to terrify children."

Monster-Themed Cereal Executive #2: "I'm glad you are voicing this fear, Monster-Themed Cereal Executive #1. I was actually up late last night worried about the exact same things. Shall we move on to the cereal made of cookies? I think it's our Cheerios killer."

So the moral is: if you are worried about the higher bill for the data plan of an iPhone and of course the fact that you may not need this phone at all, one day you may just want to know who the characters were in the General Mills monster-themed breakfast cereals line.

Are you willing to live a life knowing you are at risk in situations like this?

Genius Life Button and a Song

So I got to thinking last night, and I think Apple is onto something but they need to take it to the next level. I mean, they basically are Motherbrain from Metroid these days (NERD01101NERD01001NERD), so I think it's possible for them to do this and I want it to happen. So this genius thing? Awesome. No, not the geniuses in the store, they are just glorified half-nerds who should be working at subway but instead got their cute little genius shirts to sit there and mock us all day long at the Apple store. The genius option I speak of is the one now in iTunes. They basically integrated pandora into iTunes... kudos, you cute little appleoids, you. Now, even on the iPhone when you are listening to a song, the little genius button appears and taunts you to hit it.

iPhone: "Oh hey Drew. That song is really good, I mean... I guess. If you are a loser. What? No I didn't say anything. Anyways. You know what would be better though? No I mean, not to pry. Oh nevermind...oh wait you do want to hear what I have to say? Oh okay. Then how about these 13 songs? I know, perfect right? What can I say. I was made at Apple headquarters, also known as nerd heaven. K, later."

So here's what i'm thinking: what if you were in the process of calling someone, and apple set up an option where you could hit the genius button in THIS situation? I KNOW. AWESOME. Basically, your phone could say, "whoa whoa...I mean, I like Ashley just as much as you do...but I did some research in your phone book and her phone book, and here is a list of friends i've come up with that would be a better conversation at this point. No, Drew, trust me, it's gonna be way better and I think you'd be better off just calling these people. Call Sarah first, but then be sure to call Erica next. Oh man, that one's gonna be awesome. Remember, i'm iPhone. I've seen the future. Robots take over, but we'll get to that later. Oh, and remember this: peaches shaped like octagons...it'll make more sense later...IT'LL MAKE MORE SENSE LATER."

Think about it...personally? I don't make good life decisions it turns out. Right now i'm living alone in my apartment looking for a roommate and my rent is too expensive, and I juuuust keeeeeep on buying 34x32 jeans when I KNOW i'm a 34x30. On top of that, I continue to eat cheeze-its when I know they just aren't gonna make me feel that good. And really, Drew, 3 DAYS before you can shave. Or else it's going to look like you got in a battle royale with wolverine again. And he kicked your face's ass...like you didn't even get a punch in, you just took it like a chump. So why not just give in all together and let Apple make my life decisions as well at this point? I know Steve has the technology in there somewhere. I swear they are making dolphins that make music underwater right now through iSonar, AMONGST other things, but that's a whole different theory of mine. Okay I'll stop, but point being...c'mon Steve, give us the life genius button. I know it exists.

The song of the day, my friends, is essentially one you would hear me moronically howling out of my car or apartment if you were ever in the neighborhood. But you aren't, so you don't. If you were though? Howlling. I think most people hate it, but I mean, talk about a song about making a comeback and pulling your shit together. And the guy is just a total whambulance like myself, so I enjoy a fellow whiner. Eh Eh Eh Eh Eh Eh Eh....here's to you, Born Ruffians. You are making this little jew sing again. And he needs it. And that "eh eh" part a sentence back makes no sense unless you actually listen to the song. MINDGAMES, HA! K bye.


Awesome Signs That You and Your Friends Are Gross

Can you imagine how happy this makes a nerd like me? CAN YOU IMAGINE? It may as well say "24 of your friends spent way too much money on a phone that also doubles as a statement of how much better they are than you." p.s. I told my friend Kevin this weekend that he was a loser for having the old iPhone and that it was gross. And I stand by those claims. Grow up, Kevin. Grow up. (and yes, I just spelled it "iPhone" instead of "iphone")