google

The Superbowl: The Only Place a Bad Bud Light Costs 3 Million Dollars

The Superbowl blows my mind. It is the only time when you can spend over three million dollars and not receive a house/a midlife crisis car/anything that should cost three million dollars. Because for about three million dollars, advertisers receive those precious thirty seconds when they can advertise to use the many useful things that we should buy.

Working in advertising, this to me is still fascinating. Having a Superbowl ad used to kind of mean that you, as an agency/production company had made it. At least it meant that you were creating the best work in the industry. Apparently, though, it now means you can draw your name with a bic pencil without using the eraser more than twice and once had an idea about how funny it would be to punch a guy in the nuts. You did? You're hired as our head creative! The firepit where we throw money in is directly adjacent to your desk!

This year's ads were at a new level of, "really? REALLY" though. I mean, I seriously think that when my small cousin once pitched me that we should play a game of basketball where only he could shoot and I had to lose was a much stronger pitch than half the people in the industry made to their clients this year. You got three million dollars? BOY do we have an idea for you! Here are my favorites.

The 14,247 ads GoDaddy.com made with Danica Patrick in them.

So I just searched "Go Daddy 2010", and this is the picture that came up. I did not search "Danica Patrick Naked XXX Hot SexSex PORN BJ CHickSssS". Seriously, is GoDaddy even trying anymore? Now, I say that and then consider this statement. Trying what? They basically sell "DORKDORKDORK 0110101!!" to people. So that has to be an awkward conversation.

Client: So, how do we sell domain names and URL's to people as a sexy product?

Agency: Um. We could say that you guys are like...well we can tell people that they can buy URL's from you. I don't think most normal people who aren't the largest dorks on the planet even know what that is, though. Most people watching the game though probably only know how to buy porn on the internet. So maybe we should just go for that.

Client: We are a respectable company. We sell a great product at an affordable price.

Agency: Totally agree. Have you considered soft core porn with absolutely no payoff that involves chicks stripping down into t-shirts?

Client: Are you listening to a word we're saying?

Agency: No.

Client: SOLD! God you guys are good. Wait, what were we talking about again?

I would think these commercials were good, if they weren't written by nine year old guys who just figured out how to masturbate. Guys, don't worry, it gets better. You'll find out they make movies with full nudity. And it costs WAY less than 3 million dollars.

The Coke ad with a guy Living in a tent. In Africa. Who wants a coke. When he's tired and can't sleep. (?)

This one started great. I'm like, "Africa! This is awesome!" And don't get me wrong, more than half the commercial you're kind of thinking this is awesome.

And then, this is where this year's ads just confused me. It's like they had an idea and then someone was like, "Wait, Bill, this has nothing to do with anything" and he responded, "Yeah! IIII KNOOOOW! But he LOOOVES Coke! Right? I mean, am I right? So like, he just wants a coke!"

What?

When I'm tired and can't sleep, I drink something not containing "keep me up forever elixir" in it. I know, I know. Just me. But...wait, why does he need to be in Africa for this? Oh, because if he wasn't then he just woke up, walked over somewhere and got a Coke and we're all just really confused?

Oh, right.

Google making an advertisement. Just in general.

So a lot of people loved this one. Because it LOOKS like when you search things in google!

So here's the part I don't get.

Do they advertise for water? Do they advertise for taking out the trash? Because honestly? I'm pretty sure Google has become the equivalent of this on the internet: you just use it and it works. I don't really ask questions. I just figure Google is probably where I should go if I want to do "the internet", just in general. They already won. If someone made an advertisement for walking? Same thing to me. Great advice, I'm totally going to probably do that today. Maybe save those three million bucks on suggesting I do it.

Seriously, Google, you're in a pretty good position in the market. Considering people call searching for anything "Googling" shit, I'm pretty sure you can hold on to that three mil and maybe buy like, another multicolored golf cart or something. We're all a huge fan of you. Thanks for letting us know you're out there, though.

Bud Light making commercials written buy people who eat crayons.

I don't know who writes these. The funny thing is that they are probably very talented people. But I think they get to the Bud Light client, and realize that they could just suggest to them a guy farting and this would presumably be something that Bud Light would be interested in spending 3 million dollars on.

Client: We're trying to sell bud light, a poor tasting beer, to the people who already drink it. Any thoughts?

Agency: How about a guy farting. Or like, a guy who calls his friends, but sounds like a rap song that was popular in 2008.

Client: ...GO ON...

So out of all the things they could spend some cash on, Bud Light went with: guys talking to each other in T-Pain sounds, a guy who made a house out of bud light cans, people who watch meteors thinking they're gonna die so they want to party (novel), and how funny it'd be if you drank at a book club but then came up with zero jokes about this and just had a bunch of douchey guys drinking bud light.

Was the creative brainstorm held at Jimmy's totally rad 15th birthday party or that awesome "Bitches and Ho's" frat party?

I say this, and then realize I'm complaining about Bud Light targeting their demographic, while also realizing that if it were targeted to me it would probably just be a video of guys crying and complaining. Awkward.

Nevermind. You win, Bud Light.

The irony of all this is that my favorite commercial of all was the one where the Beaver's were playing fiddles, and I kind of liked the one where people were like human dolphins.

Oh, irony. You're a funny guy. I wish you'd stop sleeping on my couch.

Now Known as "Unicorn Land"

Analytics for a website are a funny thing. They're pretty amazing, as I can see who reads the blog, what state they come from, etc. For instance, I have someone who reads every time I post from Malaysia. MALAYSIA! How cool is that? Not only have I never even been there, I would not have been able to identify this country on a map, even if you offered me an unlimited supply of only white gummy bears (haribo, obviously) before I started ranting on this puppy. Whoever you are, Mr. or Mrs. Malaysia, I'm a pretty huge fan of you and will even try to work in silly Malaysia jokes or cool facts from here on out. FOR INSTANCE...did you know that the Belum rain forest has more Malayan tigers per square kilometer than any other animal sanctuary in the world? C'mon people. How can you not get behind a country that owns the largest tiger per square kilometer ratio in the world? Malaysian tourism board, where ARE you on this one? "Malaysia: we've got a fucking ton of rad tigers." Boom. You just became a vacation destination. Ladies and gentlemen, website analytics at work. Point being, this completely self absorbed technology is one of my favorite things on the planet. It's also great for being completely creepy. I know when someone from a region or town reads something (I see you ex-girlfriends...I SEE YOU...wait, call me. No, don't. We probably hate each other now, nevermind.). My favorite feature, though, without a doubt, is the ability to see how someone reached your site via a search engine. Basically, if someone searches google and somehow reaches this blog, I get to see what the search was. C'mon. That's fascinating.

So because I apparently refuse to do anything worthwhile with my time, I was sifting through these search terms the other day, and found some absolutely hilarious ones. I also figured out some major themes of what I write about. Below are the findings and how often they were searched to get here.

*Note: I didn't alter a thing here. Yes, someone actually searched Tom Cruise and got to this blog. Wow. Talk about a confusing moment for them.

1. "Drew Holhorst" (386 times) - There is nothing exciting about this one. It just goes to show that whoever is fortunate enough to marry into my family has to come to terms with the fact that no one will ever spell your name right. Whoever you are, future wife, your last name is also presumably better than "Hoolhorst", so I'm sorry in advance. That sucks. I should know. I'm also completely confused on the fact that over the summer, people googled my name incorrectly this many times. I made it, Mom. I MADE IT!

2. "Metaphorical Costumes" (23 times) - Really? What's neat here is that I don't think I've ever written about this, so presumably, this was a huge let down for 23 people. We'll get to the "huge letdown" section soon. If by "metaphorical costumes" you meant to type "complains about everything", then I take it back. You just struck gold, you little googler, you. Welcome.

3. "Virgin" (16 times) - Amazing. And sad. And amazing. The fact that google has decided that i'm a top hit for "virgin" has me worried that a search engine is judging me this hard, and/or talking shit to me. Oh yeah? Well if I had a search engine, google, I'd have you come up when anyone searched "small penis". TAKE THAT (and touché...touché...).

4. "Daisy ex drew hool" (15 times) - This one is exciting, because secretly I hope that one day I can be a recurring pathetic US Weekly point of interest, and this makes me feel like the villain on Season 3 of The Hills or something. Also, this means that Daisy told at least 15 people or so that I dated her. Win. It's the small victories, folks.

5. "Dundo Xayyaphay" (12 times) - This one is absolutely fascinating, because for starters, I forgot about writing about my friend Dundo. However, upon searching for his name myself, I remembered that Dundo was the guy who tried to barter a phone with 100 nintendo games for my iPhone I was selling on craigslist. Here's the awesome part though. The only other thing that comes up when you search his name? An article detailing the indictment of three brothers charged with burglary, extortion, torture, threats, dissuading a witness and gang allegations. They apparently (wait for it) kidnapped someone and held them for ransom. So where's Dundo in all of this, you ask? Oh. HE IS A FUGITIVE. When he tried to buy my iPhone, it was a year after the date of the article. Seeing as his bartering skills were...poor...I can see why Dundo was maybe shying away from becoming a salesmen for a living. I'm never buying or selling anything on craigslist again. Unless someone has an awesome limited edition pogo ball. Or I need concert tickets. Or someone has a terrible apartment I can rent (don't worry, the last time I got an apartment through craigslist, it was later discovered that my landlord was a registered sex offender. So that's cool.). You win, craigslist. You always do.

6. "Tom Cruise is hella good looking" (3 times) and "Is Tom Cruise good looking?" (2 times) - The good news for you, Tom, is that only two people searched the internet questioning your good looks, while three people thought you were hella good looking (unbelievable that either three people searched this exact term, OR that someone searched this term THREE TIMES). Here's my favorite part: did this person expect that the internet was going to answer this question for them somehow? It's not a magic eight ball, guys. If this was the case, you should also search "What is the cure for aids?" and "Where is a million dollars located?" Maybe start with those ones next time.

7. "50 pull ups a day" (3 times) - At least the internet thinks I'm working out.

8. "San Francisco Herpes" (1 time...thank god only 1 time) - At this point, I'm convinced google dislikes me in some way. That's just mean, google. Why are you telling people I have herpes? What is that? Did we date and I cheated on you one time or something? Not only are you spreading violent rumors, you're telling them where you can find this false holder of herpes? Shame on you, google. Shame on you.

9. "Horst fuck woman" (1 time) - Man, oh man, did the guy looking for animal porn suffer a letdown when he found a blog where an overly emotional mid-twenties guy was talking about his feelings. Close on the spelling, guy. Close.

10. "Ex Girlfriend doesn't call"/"Ex girlfriend doesn't like you"/"Ex girlfriend hates you"/"Ex girlfriend wants you to stop calling" (each searched one time) - Okay. Okay. I get it. I could talk about ex girlfriends a little less. Although I guess writing this right now isn't really helping, because now it'll just come up more often when people search that...WHY CAN'T I STOP TALKING??

11. "Fat guy ugly breakup" (1 time) - You made your point.

12. "Fat drool hot pocke... - OKAY I GET IT. AND YEAH, I LIKE HOT POCKETS. (and yes, I'm serious, the search was "fat drool hot pocket)

13. "Unicorn Land" (1 time) - Best. Compliment. Ever. Thanks, Google.

Finally though, my favorite searched term for how people get here. While it only came in 2nd (286 times)...it says a lot.

"Awkward."

Too true. Too true.

Yay! It's Peter Rabbit Day!!

Peter Rabbit? Really, google? Sometimes when Google does this kind of shit, I feel like they are someone who gained twenty pounds,  and EVERYONE notices...but no one wants to say anything. Basically, because they were so effing hot before, no one wants to tell the hot chick she should probably lose a few pounds, and maybe just slow down a bit before she gets hammered and says things without any real filter. Because now she can't really get away with crap like this. Cmon google...seriously, you aren't even trying. I know I know...i'm an asshole because it's Beatrix Potter's birthday, and we should all celebrate because she was a great woman in literary history. Oh, what's that? You had no clue it was Beatrix Potter's birthday? Oh that's right, BECAUSE NO ONE DID. Stop acting like lycos or askjeeves.com, google...you are better than that.

(and yes, this was really the google home page today)