facebook

If People Updated Facebook With Actual Thoughts and/or Feelings

The other day I was talking to my friend Lesley on the subject of how other people are doing that we haven't spoken to in a while. By that, I mean we were casually judging the shit out of people's lives that we:

- Don't know that well anymore.

- Never knew that well to begin with.

- Actually do not know. Are we friends with them on Facebook? Of course. But we are in no way friends in real life with them because we share absolutely nothing in common besides a casual like of television. Or eating (which are amazing things to be able to "like" on Facebook, ps).

But that's my point: we were sitting there talking about people's lives as we know them to be, entirely based upon facts we'd gleamed from reading their Facebook status updates and monitoring the crap they hit "like" for on the internet. Which is the equivalent to deciding whether a baby is doing well or not based on what he made a noise at that day. Spoiler alert: presumably everything.

Which brings me to the amazing portion of the conversation.

Drew: "Have you seen (name of person I am judging) lately? He seems to be doing really well."

Lesley: "Oh, you've talked to him recently?"

Drew: "No. But I saw him standing in front of an expensive home with a nice car and a girl with fake boobs. So, you know. Did the math there."

Lesley: "Yeah but, who puts shit on Facebook that's actually happening in their life? If you did, it would be wildly hilarious, or depressing."

Yes, Lesley. Yes it would.

So I began to think about a world where people actually wrote on Facebook and took the statement, "What's on your mind?" a bit more…literally.

And these are the funny things I think people would actually say if they were telling the truth on Facbeook.

"Today was pretty great! Went for a run and thought about my ex-girlfriend the entire time and the guy she's probably sleeping with! I feel great, physically, but mentally I'm a total trainwreck!"

"Sarah is attending 'Tara's 31st Part-ay' on November 6th. She has no idea why, she fucking hates Tara. But, I dunno. Other people are going and she doesn't want to look like a bitch."

"Drank an entire bottle of wine last night. Woke up borderline worried I'm an alcoholic."

"I just made weird faces in the mirror for no apparent reason."

"I don't know the capital of Montana."

"I just paid too much rent for my apartment that I can't afford again. Tonight I will go to bed terrified of things like bills and whether or not I'm on a good enough life trajectory."

"I just cried."

"Just spent a good portion of the night stalking that one girl I saw the other day. I feel a little weird about it. But at least now I know her favorite movie is Weekend at Bernies. Which, to be fair, surprised me a little."

"Just read my ex's Facebook wall for about 20 minutes. Who the fuck is Paul? Why is he writing all over her wall? Also: if you want to check out his profile, he always takes out of focus pictures and he's not funny. I can't believe she's dating this douche. (Jenny, if you're reading this…this is the guy you're dating now? Are you dating Paul?)"

"I just had an awkward conversation with my boyfriend about moving in together. We fought. So now I'm posting a funny inside joke on his wall that will detract from the conversation that I will bring up again in about a week when I'm drunk and we're out with friends!"

"I just liked…I mean you know what, I have no idea why I just liked that. Wait, that shit showed up on my newsfeed?"

"Just posted a really great picture of myself someone took two years ago as my profile picture! I never look like that, i'm actually much heavier these days!"

"I just searched 'male pajama onesie' on Google. To detract from that, here's a picture of me without my shirt on looking masculine."

"I wonder if I'll be alone forever! LOVE YOU, GIRLS, SAT NIGHT WAS TOTES FUN!!"

"I have diarrhea. It's pretty terrible."

"I just liked a photo on my friend's wall. But only because there was a hot girl in it, and I wonder if she saw that I liked it and then checked me out. Probably not. Mike, are you dating that chick? I mean, if not. Just sayin'."

"I just watched an entire season of The Wire in one sitting. I haven't showered yet today. I smell terrible."

"I just went to the bathroom."

"I am now friends with your friend Jenny. Because I slept with her after the party last night, so logically, now we're Facebook friends, in a roundabout way of letting everyone know that yes, we're sort of into each other or at least had relations."

"I haven't gone outside yet today. I have no itention to."

"I went to a fancy restaurant with a one word name so I could tell people about it later!"

"I just played the song 'A Milli' by Lil Wayne over and over again until I memorized that one really hard line that I could never get, so that the next time it plays at a party, I'll know it and recite it and people will notice and be impressed with me."

"I am searching random diseases I may have on WebMD right now, because I'm neurotic. Oh, and it's a Saturday night."

"I just searched 'Kim Kardashian' sex tape. For no apparent reason. I'm surprised at how easy that was to find."

"I just talked to my dog. Like he was a person. I'm home alone."

So.

You know.

I basically just explained Twitter.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 55: Unicorns Aren't Real, Just Like People's Emotions on Facebook.

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

Why I Stopped Following You Or Defriended You On A Popular Social Network

I'm passive aggressively letting you know that I'm not concerned with your life's mundane activities anymore. I'm aggressively letting you know that I'm over you.

You talk about your baby too much. I don't have a baby, so this makes no sense to me. Don't be offended, it's more like a hobby that I don't understand. Maybe when I have a baby we can be friends again.

#youwrite #toomany things with #hashtags in it and I fE#el Like I'm #reading transmissions from a ro#bot.

You got a boyfriend, and it sorta bummed me out.

You are having entire back and forth conversations with your friend (that have gone way beyond the internet socially acceptable one to two public replies) and you're clogging up my feed.

You just keep saying how much you hate "New Facebook" on Facebook and Twitter.

(Ugh. I hate New Facebook.)

You have tweeted over ten times in the last 15 minutes. Most people don't say that many things in public.

You're at Coachella and I'm not. Fuck. I should have gone to Coachella.

You checked into Walgreens on foursquare, and then posted that on Facebook and Twitter. It was unimportant on the first social network you used. Three was overkill.

We went to high school together. I didn't know you then. Turns out you're still not saying anything interesting.

You followed me. I didn't know who you were, but I followed you back. But then I realized you don't live anywhere near me and we share nothing in common. I'm trying to gracefully irish exit this online friendship. Don't make it weird.

You are a porn star who used to be funny and post inappropriate things, but now you just talk about being a vegan, which is sorta like birthday cake becoming lima beans.

You write blog posts that seem to be primarily about yourself, and then you post them on every social network that you are on, and it doesn't seem like you have any shame in your self promotion.

You stopped following me and it hurt me for some surprising reason. Now I'm not following you to make a point.

Wait, so you noticed I stopped following you? So you DO still think about me. Okay, I'll follow you again.

You are tweeting about how crazy your office is, and telling me that "this is how you roll at (blank corporation)." I don't work at (blank corporation), and really, you only needed to notify me of how you roll once.

You write replies to over 6 people in a tweet. Again: most people don't talk to this many people at once in public. You have used your entire 140 characters to identify the names you would like to speak to, thus not allowing yourself space to say anything. You're doing it wrong.

You are writing an inside joke that I don't get, and since I don't get it, I'm going to throw down my internet and get angwy because I WANNA BE IN ON THE JOKE, TOO.

You just keep saying you're hungry. Or that you want to nap. I mean, just go for it. We're not dating, you do not need my internet permission.

Your new profile picture makes you look less attractive than I remember you being.

Your profile picture is your dog or cat.

Your profile picture is you and your boyfriend. Look, I tried to hang in there when you got a boyfriend, and at start I just buried you on my feed. But now you commented on a mutual friend's post and I saw that profile picture and we gotta end this. I'm sorry.

You are being vague about everything you talk about. I honestly just don't know what you're talking about anymore. Are you sad? Are you happy? Do you WANT to tell the internet what's going on? Do you NOT want to tell the internet what's going on? Why are you talking to the internet?

You are posting about political things using poor grammar. I can't tell you how dead to me you are.

I literally don't know who you are and don't know how you ended up on my feed. Did I follow you when I was drunk or something? This is more my problem. I'm sorry. Awkward.

Your name is @BrendanGahan and you mostly just post surf videos with the word "epic" or "gnar" attached to it. Just kidding, Brendan. I love you. #insidejoke #hashtag

(The writer acknowledges that more than 120% of these insights are probably things he has done or will do in the future, and in some cases, was even using multiple iterations of things he was making fun in one insight so as to make an ironic point of how he is part of the nerdy internet problem he is trying to write a humorous post about. Please get the joke, Internet. Please.)

 

Breaking Up (on facebook) Is Hard To Do (and awkward)

So it's been a while since I've written. I know...you missed me. I missed you too, sweetheart! It's like I went out on all these cute dates with people who read the blog, and then just stopped calling one day out of the blue. I mean really cute dates. I got the door for you, we shared desserts, you laughed when I got a bit of it on my nose and we giggled. We both agreed that skinny jeans are ridiculous, and that most people who wear them are trying too hard. And I said, "No I like you..." and you said, "no I like YOU!" and then we did this back and forth for 3 minutes. And then giggled again. And then we awkwardly made out in the car and the seatbelts got in the way, but we laughed because my elbow hit the horn and that guy got scared when he was walking by. Yeah guys, our dates were that cute. You were SURE I was going to meet your parents, and we'd get married and have a million babies (or you would just read my blog and I'd keep writing). But then I was just a huge dick. And I stopped writing...and didn't even give you an explanation. Ew. Who does that? Well, I took a little "timeout". I took what we will call a little "depression sabbatical". Yeah, I made that term up, but it works. You know why? Because breaking up fucking sucks, and all you do is feel sorry for yourself and tell everyone how hard it is and how "they don't understand." That's not obnoxious or anything. Sorry to about 42 people on that one...turns out the world isn't over and I'm fine now. So instead of writing about this everyday for about a month and some, I thought...uh...maybe i'd just sit this one out until I didn't hate life. Annnnnnnnd we're back.

So I shot myself in the foot. When I was living in gross-disgusting-OH-MY-GOD-MY-LIFE-IS-SO-FUCKING-CUTE-land, I decided that I would just broadcast the shit out of it (I say this as I write an entirely self serving blog...). I mean, you're dating a hot girl. She's nice. You want to talk about it. It's like people with babies. They just do things that are obnoxious that only they like, but they think you want to hear about it. You know, they put an oversized hat on a baby, and then say, "oh my god, the baby looks funny because it's wearing an oversized hat! let's take a picture and send it to 267 people! I bet they want to see my baby in this hilarious oversized hat!" But you don't want to see the baby in the oversized hat. You actually think the baby looks weird. Because babies look like aliens. And then it has spit all over its face. And weird crap on it's nose. And actually, the baby just looks ugly with an oversized hat on. So the moral? I go through a breakup, and realize that the oversized hat pictures are everywhere. And the cute commentary? Everywhere. It's plastered on facebook walls...myspace comments (which is a dirty mini-mall I refuse to visit anyways, so this breakup was also like breaking up with myspace, so I've got that going for me. It's like finding out I cured myself of crabs or something)...flickr pages. Shit, every nerd avenue on the planet? I was vomiting cuteness on it. I mean, it was fantastic during the grand run of it. But then all of the sudden...you've set up an obstacle course of pain for yourself when it ends.

You can't just breakup anymore. I guess this doesn't apply to everyone...but I feel like most people have "this" life I just explained on social networks. Before? You call a girl, tell her she sucks and you're over it, and then you lose her number. And if she went to Menlo? You never really have to see her again because you go to M-A (cough*cough*SHELBY*cough*cough). But now? My GOD man...there's no escape. You break up. Then you think, "welp...I guess I should hide or erase the nine billion pictures I have on my computer and all my accounts so I don't cry and eat two whole pizzas everytime they come up and catch me off guard"...but then you have this conflict, because you aren't REALLY over the breakup for that first week. So you leave them (this is a horrible mistake. don't do this. run. run for your life away from these things), and then you try to "ignore" them. Which is slang for waiting until you are a bottle of wine deep and decide the best idea right now is to stab your feelings in the face by looking at these pictures. But oh wait it gets better...you're still "friends" on facebook! So guess what, slugger...facebook will just do the hard work for you and crush your soul whenever it feels like it! Facebook is just that really shitty friend who doesn't get it:

Facebook: "Hey Drew, did you see that your ex-girlfriend is totally loving life right now? No i'm serious, that's her status update right now. No, seriously, look! It's right here! It says "(fill in ex's name here) is totally loving life right now! Also, who's that Mark guy that she just became friends with? Yeah whoa, at 1am...sounds pretty...nevermind...Well, I mean, I know who he is...but I guess you probably want to do some sleuth work huh? Well, that makes you creepy. Okay bye for now! I'll be back in an hour when her new status update says that she's going out drinking tonight with 'new' friends...mysterious right? Hope it's a date she's going on! Anyways, later."

So you do this unspoken thing. For a few weeks, you write YOUR status messages as some elusive "hidden message". Why? Because you are ridiculous and 12 years old. And you think that EVERYONE cares as much about what you are writing as you do. (Hint: they don't)

Drew Hoolhorst had a CRAZY night last night...

Drew Hoolhorst is wondering what he was doing at 3am....when he was with tons of chicks. TONS of chicks...last night. (aren't you wondering what drew was doing at 3am? he'd tell you. you know, if you still wanted to talk. he still loves you...wait nevermind)

Drew Hoolhorst feels fine. No seriously. Really great. He can't believe HOW much he's moved on and is totally just like, hooking up with hot chicks left and right again!

Also, make sure to go through the awkward part where you have to no longer "list yourself as in a relationship". Those emails you get are going to be fun. No, that's not awkward at all. But you know what? You were the asshole who listed yourself as in a relationship. Yeah, you, Drew. So stop whining about it. The point being...

Breaking up on Facebook is hard to do. It's awkward, and it makes a normal breakup about nine billion times harder. And I'd say it set me back way more than a breakup would have back in the day. It made me a big fucking Eyore, and it sucked. But it's over. And one day you DO wake up, and the cliches ARE true. You feel fine again, you find out everything happened for a reason, some things were problems you didn't even know about so it's good you broke up...blah, blah, blah. Oh, and you get over it. In general. So that's nice. Being depressed sucks. Remind me not to do that again.

And here's the kicker: You look at girls again a few weeks later, and you think, "Wait, she's REALLY attractive. Can I call her? I CAN??!? And she'd "date" me?? Well why didn't anyone tell me this shit, I would have stopped sitting in a dark room eating cheez-its while crying a LONG time ago if I knew this was going to happen." And then, ironically, all you want to do is talk about THAT girl. And all of the sudden you are doing it all over again. And the irony feels so good, you just start it all over again. So that's hysterical.

So sorry for the break. I hope you are still reading, because i'm gonna try my darndest to win your hearts back. I didn't want to break up. It's not you, it was me. But I'm cool now. I think I'm the funniest person in the world again. And my music taste is impeccable. So let's get the shit kicked out of us by love.

The song of the day is happy. Because I'm happy again, so I thought i'd go for the lowest common denominator. And if you don't like Vampire Weekend, it's probably because everyone and their mother told you to about them 4 months ago and you got annoyed and decided not to be a follower. Get over it. They make music that sounds like magic tricks and gummy bears. And I'd like to think this song is a clear gummy bear. Re: The best gummy bear of all time.

SIDENOTE: Isn't it ironic that this whole post is about not blasting out your life because it may be weird later after you reveal too much, and that's all I'm doing the entire time? I feel pretty good about it. YES WE CAN!

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