craigslist

It's time to go back to the future, motherf*%#ker

When my friend Ryan and I heard that Nike was finally making the shoes Marty wears in Back To The Future 2, our heads exploded. Then we were bummed out that there was no way we were going to get a pair, because they are only auctioning 1,500 pair. Then we got a plan. This is our craigslist ad below.

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SUBJECT: It's time to go back to the future, motherf*%#ker

Guess what: the future is finally here and Nike made those badass shoes that Marty McFly wears in Back To The Future 2.

Guess what: there are only 1,500 pair that are going to be auctioned. So, they are unaffordable for anyone you and I know (you're on craigslist, so don't argue that), and the only people wearing them are going to be "that d-bag who made a startup missing a letter in the word who got a round of funding for an app that's going to fail in 3 months."

Fuck that.

It's time to go back to the future, mothefucker.

We want people as nerdy as us to go in on the ultimate nerd timeshare: part ownership in a pair of shoes that will do the opposite of getting you laid, but totally get you TONS of high fives from other nerds:

My friend and I want to create a strong enough bid to get a pair of the Air Mag's in the eBay auction.

Imagine going to a bowling alley and dropping one of those puppies on the counter and being like, "you got anything in a LACELESS SIZE 10 1/2 YO?" BAM. I'M NOT MESSING AROUND (Drops Gray's Sports Almanac like the mic, walks away).

Here is some criteria.

- You should probably be between a size 10 and 11. To be fair, this sh*t is from the future and laces itself, so it's probably better to have a smaller foot than a larger one if you don't fit the criteria, because we figure it'd be like BAM, size 9? We can adjust to that.

- We're not looking for the $1 "haha that's cute, i'm in!" bidders. Hell no. Be serious. Bring like, $200 bucks to the table or nothing. This is a time share, so you're gonna get these shoes for a little bit of the year and then mail them along to the next Marty McFly. If 52 people gave $200, that's about a $10,000 bid. So if we won, we'd all get them for about a week of the year, which would probably be the coolest week of your life.

- Ability to quote BTTF 1 or 2 is a plus. 3 was kinda crap. Let's be real (only one of the founding member's opinions).

All the money from these auctions will go to Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's charity. So think of this like "Toms for Marty McFly." Plus, Elizabeth Shue was in Part 2, and she's really hot.

If you're interested, contact us at hoverboarddontworkonwater@gmail.com. If we actually get enough serious people, we'll kickstarter the shit out of this shit.

Amazingly? hoverboardSdontworkonwater@gmail.com was taken. So we know you other dorks exist.

Make like a tree and get on board. SEE WHAT WE DID THERE, BIFF TANNEN??

 

Sorry, I only deliver my 8 dollar coffee table to "no I don't."

Either people on craigslist are missing the point, or I'm going to a creepy flea market and complaining about it being creepy. During my recent move, I figured I'd sell some stuff that doesn't fit in my apartment. This consisted of basically anything that wasn't my underpants and my "anything that wasn't my underpants." The logical place to do this? The internet's burning man: craigslist.

Now don't get me wrong. I hate burning man, so that's a bit harsh to craig and his "not that attractive at first glance but it has a GREAT personality" list. I have seen the magical wheels of craigslist in motion. I've bought concert tickets. I've read the rants. Golf claps, Craig. You are hours of entertainment.

However, trying to sell things on there for this particular go-round has mainly involved:

- Talking to people who don't get simple concepts like "reading".

- Dealing with people who do not understand that I am in no way willing to do anything to personally accommodate your needs in order for you to purchase my posted item.

A few direct shout outs to my favorite responders.

- To the guy who wanted to buy my $8.00 coffee table (that cost me $100) but only if I was willing to deliver it to South San Francisco (and I quote) "ASAP!!" (yes I'm serious, two exclamation points): Stephanie Tanner called. How rude. Honestly, guy? It's an eight dollar coffee table. I would expend less money buying a burrito, eating it off of the coffee table and then throwing the coffee table out of my window. No. I do not want to drive to your home to deliver something I'm clearly not even interested in delivering to my own new home. Please get in touch with "anyone who delivers anything": that costs money. Even pizza...THE TIP IS HOW THEY FOOL YOU, GUY.

- I was trying to sell an audio receiver. In the post, I included a summary of the machine from amazon.com entitled "specs", a picture of the machine, and what part of the city I live in to pick it up. This was, by far, the most amazing email chain I have ever been on.

(completely non-fabricated material, that's the best part.)

From: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Date: Monday, May 3rd To: sales1712-ntaxkl@craigslist.org Subject: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

Hey,what are specs of the receiver?

-- From: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Date: Monday, May 3rd To: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Subject: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale. Hey there, The specs were that first link. Titled, "specs." Let me know if you're interested.

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From: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Date: Monday, May 3rd To: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Subject: re: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

Interested in the buy. Can you tell me what the receiver looks like? I have 30 dollars to spend.

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From: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Date: Monday, May 3rd To: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Subject: re: re: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

There is a gigantic picture attached to the post. I also wrote that the receiver could be seen "in the picture attached to this post" in case that wasn't clear. I asked for $150, so $30 seems a scosh low.

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From: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Date: Monday, May 3rd To: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Subject: re: re: re: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

I will take it for $20. Can you tell me what part of the city it's located in?

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From: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Date: Monday, May 3rd To: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Subject: re: re: re: re: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

Seriously? Did you just ask three questions about the only three things listed in the post? Did you read the post, or do you just aimlessly click "respond" and ask random questions on random posts?

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No response yet. Let me tell you, I'm waiting with bated breath on that one. I can only hope he asks what the item for sale is in the next reply.

Also, yes. I'm a smarmy asshole in real life, too.

The Toyota Prius finally gained the freshman 15.

Is it me, or has the Toyota Prius finally become that hot girl who gained 15 pounds, had two kids, isn't a cheerleader and REALLY doesn't look like her yearbook picture anymore?

Remember when (if you live anywhere near California, this hits home) there were maybe two hondas, four ironic people who drove hummers to safeway to grab a bag of groceries, and then everyone else in the state owned a Prius? Like, there was no other option? Just a bunch of quiet little "holy shit someone's gonna get hit by that thing because it's too damn quiet" cars whizzing around?

You don't see as many of them out there on the road anymore. Turns out people discovered that other people make hybrid vehicles. Or just...vehicles. In general. Also turns out that people learned that the one little thing Toyota forgot about doing with that car was making sure that you probably won't die in it. Because you know what's ironic? Saving the earth's life but dying in a car crash in the process. You know what's even more ironic? You're still driving a fucking car: this is not saving the earth's life.

That's like being upset that you are fat, saying you're going to do something to change that, so instead you eat two bowls of ice cream a day instead of the four you were eating. You know what you won't get? Not fat.

I'm not sure if that metaphor worked at all. Since you and I are both wondering too hard if it did? It didn't.

*editor's note: I say this all after I bought a diesel car last year. Keep in mind I did this in no way to save the earth. I wanted the tax break and a sunroof. I will not buy a hybrid car until it flies in the air and Doc yells the word gigawatts at me riding shotgun. Otherwise, I see no point to these vehicles yet. As of now, they are nothing but silent cars driven predominantly by assholes. (except for you, Lesley.)

A woman who takes pictures of herself naked  making a sex tape is not a sex tape: it's a home video.

Hey, Kendra Wilkinson. Let's play the honesty game. You pose for pictures nude. Making a "reality television show" after you posed naked in pictures does not now make you an actress. Therefore, moving pictures of you having sex is not a leaked sex tape. That is a home video. Thank you. Good day.

On that note.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 27: People On Craigslist Don't Read Good.

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Download all the songs in good looking mp3's here.

Now Known as "Unicorn Land"

Analytics for a website are a funny thing. They're pretty amazing, as I can see who reads the blog, what state they come from, etc. For instance, I have someone who reads every time I post from Malaysia. MALAYSIA! How cool is that? Not only have I never even been there, I would not have been able to identify this country on a map, even if you offered me an unlimited supply of only white gummy bears (haribo, obviously) before I started ranting on this puppy. Whoever you are, Mr. or Mrs. Malaysia, I'm a pretty huge fan of you and will even try to work in silly Malaysia jokes or cool facts from here on out. FOR INSTANCE...did you know that the Belum rain forest has more Malayan tigers per square kilometer than any other animal sanctuary in the world? C'mon people. How can you not get behind a country that owns the largest tiger per square kilometer ratio in the world? Malaysian tourism board, where ARE you on this one? "Malaysia: we've got a fucking ton of rad tigers." Boom. You just became a vacation destination. Ladies and gentlemen, website analytics at work. Point being, this completely self absorbed technology is one of my favorite things on the planet. It's also great for being completely creepy. I know when someone from a region or town reads something (I see you ex-girlfriends...I SEE YOU...wait, call me. No, don't. We probably hate each other now, nevermind.). My favorite feature, though, without a doubt, is the ability to see how someone reached your site via a search engine. Basically, if someone searches google and somehow reaches this blog, I get to see what the search was. C'mon. That's fascinating.

So because I apparently refuse to do anything worthwhile with my time, I was sifting through these search terms the other day, and found some absolutely hilarious ones. I also figured out some major themes of what I write about. Below are the findings and how often they were searched to get here.

*Note: I didn't alter a thing here. Yes, someone actually searched Tom Cruise and got to this blog. Wow. Talk about a confusing moment for them.

1. "Drew Holhorst" (386 times) - There is nothing exciting about this one. It just goes to show that whoever is fortunate enough to marry into my family has to come to terms with the fact that no one will ever spell your name right. Whoever you are, future wife, your last name is also presumably better than "Hoolhorst", so I'm sorry in advance. That sucks. I should know. I'm also completely confused on the fact that over the summer, people googled my name incorrectly this many times. I made it, Mom. I MADE IT!

2. "Metaphorical Costumes" (23 times) - Really? What's neat here is that I don't think I've ever written about this, so presumably, this was a huge let down for 23 people. We'll get to the "huge letdown" section soon. If by "metaphorical costumes" you meant to type "complains about everything", then I take it back. You just struck gold, you little googler, you. Welcome.

3. "Virgin" (16 times) - Amazing. And sad. And amazing. The fact that google has decided that i'm a top hit for "virgin" has me worried that a search engine is judging me this hard, and/or talking shit to me. Oh yeah? Well if I had a search engine, google, I'd have you come up when anyone searched "small penis". TAKE THAT (and touché...touché...).

4. "Daisy ex drew hool" (15 times) - This one is exciting, because secretly I hope that one day I can be a recurring pathetic US Weekly point of interest, and this makes me feel like the villain on Season 3 of The Hills or something. Also, this means that Daisy told at least 15 people or so that I dated her. Win. It's the small victories, folks.

5. "Dundo Xayyaphay" (12 times) - This one is absolutely fascinating, because for starters, I forgot about writing about my friend Dundo. However, upon searching for his name myself, I remembered that Dundo was the guy who tried to barter a phone with 100 nintendo games for my iPhone I was selling on craigslist. Here's the awesome part though. The only other thing that comes up when you search his name? An article detailing the indictment of three brothers charged with burglary, extortion, torture, threats, dissuading a witness and gang allegations. They apparently (wait for it) kidnapped someone and held them for ransom. So where's Dundo in all of this, you ask? Oh. HE IS A FUGITIVE. When he tried to buy my iPhone, it was a year after the date of the article. Seeing as his bartering skills were...poor...I can see why Dundo was maybe shying away from becoming a salesmen for a living. I'm never buying or selling anything on craigslist again. Unless someone has an awesome limited edition pogo ball. Or I need concert tickets. Or someone has a terrible apartment I can rent (don't worry, the last time I got an apartment through craigslist, it was later discovered that my landlord was a registered sex offender. So that's cool.). You win, craigslist. You always do.

6. "Tom Cruise is hella good looking" (3 times) and "Is Tom Cruise good looking?" (2 times) - The good news for you, Tom, is that only two people searched the internet questioning your good looks, while three people thought you were hella good looking (unbelievable that either three people searched this exact term, OR that someone searched this term THREE TIMES). Here's my favorite part: did this person expect that the internet was going to answer this question for them somehow? It's not a magic eight ball, guys. If this was the case, you should also search "What is the cure for aids?" and "Where is a million dollars located?" Maybe start with those ones next time.

7. "50 pull ups a day" (3 times) - At least the internet thinks I'm working out.

8. "San Francisco Herpes" (1 time...thank god only 1 time) - At this point, I'm convinced google dislikes me in some way. That's just mean, google. Why are you telling people I have herpes? What is that? Did we date and I cheated on you one time or something? Not only are you spreading violent rumors, you're telling them where you can find this false holder of herpes? Shame on you, google. Shame on you.

9. "Horst fuck woman" (1 time) - Man, oh man, did the guy looking for animal porn suffer a letdown when he found a blog where an overly emotional mid-twenties guy was talking about his feelings. Close on the spelling, guy. Close.

10. "Ex Girlfriend doesn't call"/"Ex girlfriend doesn't like you"/"Ex girlfriend hates you"/"Ex girlfriend wants you to stop calling" (each searched one time) - Okay. Okay. I get it. I could talk about ex girlfriends a little less. Although I guess writing this right now isn't really helping, because now it'll just come up more often when people search that...WHY CAN'T I STOP TALKING??

11. "Fat guy ugly breakup" (1 time) - You made your point.

12. "Fat drool hot pocke... - OKAY I GET IT. AND YEAH, I LIKE HOT POCKETS. (and yes, I'm serious, the search was "fat drool hot pocket)

13. "Unicorn Land" (1 time) - Best. Compliment. Ever. Thanks, Google.

Finally though, my favorite searched term for how people get here. While it only came in 2nd (286 times)...it says a lot.

"Awkward."

Too true. Too true.

Don't Pass This Apartment Up!

Looking for a new apartment in San Francisco may be one of the worst things you can ever go through. It's like every apartment is a little drumstick behind a velvet rope, and landlords allow access and remove the rope and we all beat each other to death trying to get to the drumstick first. Don't ask why I used a drumstick as the metaphor, it was a bad one. But you get the point and can probably sympathize: It's a headache and makes you feel poor and/or poor. You know one day you'll walk into a place, look around, and realize almost immediately that you are home. I've done this three times now, and each time it's happened. You like a prospective random roommate, the bedroom looks huge, or you just realize it's a terrible deal and you'll probably just settle to make the bad man stop (which, contrary to popular belief, is a horrible reason to select a new apartment). But the process of getting there is just horrible. And here's why: everyone on craigslist is lying or lives at the airport where a five dollar bottle of water is a STEAL of a deal.

For the past few days, my friend and I have printed out upwards of 20 postings to take around with us while we hunt all day long. At the beginning of the day, you feel like you are sitting on a goldmine: All of these places are a deal! Every one of them is too hard to pass up! IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING THIS APARTMENT WILL BE RENTED OUT IN THE NEXT 14 SECONDS, IT'S THAT GOOD!! By the end of the day? You hate the world and are considering moving to a small rural town where you can live on six acres and have nine bedrooms for fourteen dollars. It turns out most of those places Craig and his minions are selling are sending a little misinformation.

So I've decided to decode some common craigslist verbiage that's floating around out there. If i'm going down right now, I figure i'll bring my new found knowledge to the people so that when you have to get out there, you might have a better shot at understanding what a craigslist post means before you get too excited.

Large 2 BR with a great view: By large, they mean if you love prison and are looking to upgrade a little. Remember when you got to college and realized your dorm room was kind of like living in a cardboard box? Now get in the cardboard box, break it because you are too large for it, and this is your new "large" bedroom in San Francisco. Oh, and by view, they mean a wall. Because that's what your new bedroom window looks out to. The wall of the middle of the building. The only reason this view might be great is if you can also see the window of another persons apartment and can totally spy on them. You know, if you're creepy. Personally I'd never do this. Unless she was hot and totally wanted to do me. Moving on.

Lots of Charm: Everything breaks all the time, but you'll love it because it looks like old people used it! Do you like doors that don't really close? How about "split" bathrooms where the toilet feels like a port-o-potty oddly placed in the middle of the apartment? Fireplaces that aren't fireplaces? Well, my friends, you've come to the right place. Don't worry, it's still priced like everything is brand new. That's what's so charming! It either breaks, serves no functional purpose or takes up space you would have loved to have used...tee hee!

Lots of Light: Its got windows. Not like those OTHER apartments that don't have windows. Wait you said you used to live in prison, right?

Quiet Professional Building: Tons of old people live here, and they hate you if you like to have fun. And by fun, we mean do things like walk, talk, or do any other human function. If you are alive and/or do human things, this probably isn't the place for you.

Remodeled Kitchen and Newer Appliances: This place was a total piece of shit, so we kind of painted over the shitty parts and added a microwave that fits half a bag of popcorn. The stove works sometimes too, but don't expect any miracles like "cooking" something. What do you think this is, a Motel 6? We don't have the kind of "remodel" money they have!

Shared Patio: Bobby Fratastic and his striped shirt cohorts are usually out here grilling up a hella tight BBQ before they go out to crush tons of chicks. Oh, a creepy old guy sits out here also and judges you from time to time. You are not allowed to put anything out here or use anything that is here. Wouldn't it be awesome though if you could? Don't you want to throw down that extra $300 for this dream?

Great Location: We're lying. It's nowhere near anything really, but this made you read our post. It's on that one street that has one of those weird names you've never really heard of. Food is like 10 blocks away and there is a random corner store that has slices of american cheese and some warm coke with dust on it on the shelf. At a totally reasonable price of about $3 per can. But not everyone has that luxury, so it totally makes sense.

Washer Dryer in Building: We've put a washer dryer from 1974 in the creepy garage downstairs where you might get shanked at night. It runs on coins for about $22 dollars a load. Also, the dryer doesn't really dry anything, so make sure to run it about eight times. We hope you hate your clothes, because this state-of-the-art wonder that we won in the showcase showdown back during Woodstock ruins everything! Oh, and if you want to use it you can't because someone else usually is, since everyone wants to use it when they get home from work in our 10 unit building. Beggars can't be choosers. BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

Lots of Closet Space: It's got a closet in one of the bedrooms. It can fit like four t-shirts and a pair of shoes. It also has a hall closet that can hold two jackets and a swiffer mop! (well kinda, but the door won't really close if you want to put the swiffer mop in there, so maybe just don't get one of those)

Parking Available: We have one spot in our garage for about $400 a month. It'll take you about 4 weeks to learn how to fit your moped in there, but that's totally worth it. Oh, you have a car? Like, a real one? That will kind of fit. Actually it won't. You can try though. Street parking is everywhere though at 3am. Sure, hobos break into your car, but it's no big deal. They're just cold! Don't be so cruel! And wait you have a car? DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT? ASSHOLE.

New Price Reduction!: Seriously, nobody wants to live here. So that's a pretty good sign. Yeah, this is that post you saw two months ago. Seriously, we haven't rented it out yet. So what if someone died here. We dropped the price by $100. Totally reasonable.

Gas Stove: Wait, really? This is listed as a "feature" in the post? That's like saying "it has four walls".

Edwardian Style: If there is an earthquake, you are going to die. Like, one of those earthquakes no one else felt. You just died.

At the end of the day today, we went and saw a place that pretty much summed it up. Russian Hill. It was described as a "cottage" that couldn't be missed. So when we found it, there were three old dudes with beards standing there looking like they either molest or stab people for a living. It had staircases that only anorexic people could comfortably walk up, one of the bedrooms was a ledge over the living room that was described as "cozy" that had no walls or privacy, and it also had a room that one could only get to by going through the bathroom (?) that the guy told us could "probably fit a small matress if we could find a third roommate." Oh, cool! I thought that was just the creepy pedophelia room! Kevin wasn't going to move in with us, but i'm SURE he's on board now if we explain to him that we have a room where he could probably lay horizontally and not really stand up! Thanks for helping us see the "steal" of this place, creepy old bearded man!

Needless to say, we found one place we like so far. And this is after I came to the conclusion that I will be spending a billion trillion dollars if I want a room and/or windows in a neighborhood where I probably won't die kind of sort of. So that's cool. But the thing is, the first place I lived in this city had a born again, meghans law certified crazyhorse of a landlord who told me that Jews were going to hell and I currently live in a neighborhood where someone has thrown fried chicken at me (true story, AND the cop who was arresting her after the incident acted like she'd done this before...here's a tip homeless woman, EAT THE FOOD. YOU'RE HOMELESS) and I wake up every morning to people yelling things like, "Crackhead biiiiiiiiitch!" (not even lying, this is also true and I have guests/witnesses who will testify to this in a court of law).

Point being, I could use a little edwardian charm right about now.