bachelorette

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (The Finale)

Episode 11: Let's spell my name incorrectly for the rest of our lives. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to the final 2 dude-bros. The guy who lost Cotillion last week was:

Sean, the guy who always yelled the name of the place he was in who also never wore sunglasses when he should have.

Emily and the guys travelled to Curaçao, an incredibly hard-to-spell island where she went on a date with each dude-bro to decide which one of them wasn't worthy of being one of the final two guys in a round robin television marriage tournament. When all was said and done, Emily didn't pick Sean and cried about it a lot, because eliminating people on The Bachelorette is hard and you wouldn't understand what it's like to travel the world for free to select an attractive person to sleep with.

This week, we're finally going to find out who's second husband/third engagement step-dad material: Arie The Wet Blanket or Jef with one F. What better way to decide this than for the two guys to separately meet Emily's parents so that they can decide which man from the TV is the best choice for their daughter's future. Previews indicate that Emily cries all the time, and in between crying she cries about crying.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with an emasculating shot of two guys watching the finale live with 4,208 women in a studio audience. Apparently, one of the guys won The Bachelorette a few years ago, so he's got an excuse. I think to myself, "Man, what a douchebag," and then hit the play button again on my DVR'd copy of The Bachelorette, the show I programmed a season pass for.

Emily is having a tough time deciding between the final two dude-bros in Curaçao. To signify just how tough of a time, she looks down.

And then she looks up.

Emily's daughter Ricki runs around wearing a fanny pack, and the questions about whether or not Ricki's a tad special are only getting more and more neon.

I again realize I'm probably going to hell for writing shit like that, but still feel like the joke was worth it.

It's time for the dude-bros to meet Emily's family, because she wants to make sure that if she gets engaged this time around, it's for real.

Good thing she came on a television show to find love for the second time and learned her lesson from the first time she came on a television show to find love and it didn't work out.

--

I'm probably your future son-in-law, let's bro-shake on it, brosef.

Emily waits for Jef with one F to show up to meet her parents and plays with her hair, because it's been a while since she's done that.

Jef with one F arrives to meet Emily's family wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt. If Drew with one W showed up to meet my girlfriend's family in this outfit, she would punch me in the face.

We learn that Emily has a brother named Ernie who can only speak out of the side of his mouth.

Emily's mother has had enough plastic surgery done for all the women in the land. If her and Arie's mom got together, it'd be a staring contest on accident, if only because they are both physically unable to blink.

One F tells Emily's mom that it's stupid to say, but Emily completes everything about him. He shows us in complex hand gestures again, just in case we didn't get it.

Emily's mom says that Jef with one F is everything that Emily has been looking for...again, and in no way seems to find that statement to be a red flag. Maybe she got plastic surgery on "thinking."

The family sits down for lunch, and Ernie eats because no one told him that you aren't allowed to eat on The Bachelorette, ever. The fiance clearly knew, but it was too late.

Jef with one F seems to convince Ernie that his intentions are pure for Emily, and he's so confident that he give hims a bro-shake.

But the bro-shaking doesn't stop there. After One F goes two for two and impresses Poppa Pretty Pretty Princess as well, he goes in for round two. Because if One F is going to be Emily's second husband? We're all going to be bro's, bro.

Ernie says out of the side of his mouth, and only the side of his mouth, that he didn't think Emily would find love "this way," which is a polite way of saying "I didn't think my sister would find a nice guy on a fucking television show."

That makes two of us, Ernie.

Before taking off for the day, One F says he's an old fashioned kinda guy about love. You know, because he's on a television show where 25 guys take a swipe at trying to marry a widow who is reeling from a previous failed television engagement.  If that isn't old fashioned, I don't know what is.

---

Hi, I'm Arie the wet blanket. I'm just the worst. 

Arie arrives for his date wearing a shirt with tons of buttons, and I wonder how long he stood in front of the mirror and thought, "One button or two?"

Emily lets him know that her father and brother have been fishing all day. Arie then tells her entire hick family that he's "not that into fishing," which sort of seems like walking into a Catholic church and telling everyone you're just not that into Jesus.

To symbolize how much he loves Emily, he gives the family a box full of the inconsequential roses he's been awarded by their daughter on a television show. You know, like going to your high school girlfriend's house the day after prom and giving her family your boutonnière.

He meets everyone and they all like-ish him, and as he leaves he kisses Emily's mother like you kissed a girl for the first time in the sixth grade.

As he says goodbye, he winks at Emily as though to say, "hey girl, you take your time making your decision on national television about whether or not you love me, no pressure."

Emily goes back in the room and asks her family which guy she should choose. They say either one is great, kind of like when you ask your girlfriend where they want to go to dinner and they say, "wherever, I don't really care." She gets angry that her family isn't going to make the decision for her, because Emily is a pretty pretty princess and the pretty pretty princess doesn't want to decide who she has to marry STOMPS FEET RUNS OUT OF ROOM.

They blur the license plate of the Chevy Tahoe they leave the hotel in, just in case any of us are going to fly to Curaçao and steal that Tahoe retroactively.

--

My One F is the only F you'll ever need again for the rest of your life. 

Before his final date with Emily, Jef with one F tells us that he feels complete with Emily, but doesn't use hand gestures this time.

They sit on a blanket and talk about how they both won't know if this is truly the television love of their life until One F meets Little Ricki. Emily decides that it's time, and they leave the blanket on the beach behind, even though Jef leaves no African behind.

Before they meet Ricki, they stare at her through the hotel door blinds.

Somewhere, our old friend Sleeping with the Enemy is watching this episode, smiling and saying condescending things to anyone within a five foot radius.

He meets Ricki and plays with her in the pool, and of course, Jef with One F is the most charming man in the world.

At least one million women will have sex with their husband or boyfriend tonight imagining Jef with One F, after which they will imagine having an estranged daughter just so that they could run away with the two of them.

Later on in the evening, they have dinner and Emily plays with her hair an outrageous amount, but for once I can't make fun of them because they're both really into each other and it's starting to actually sound and look like what it sounds and looks like when two people tell each other that they like each other.

She leaves, and One F says it's the hardest goodbye he's ever had to say. To signify this, we see him standing solemnly in the rain as lightning strikes.

--

Thanks for sticking around Curaçao! I find you so invaluable that I'm not even going to go on a date with you and that will probably cause psychological damage for the rest of your wet blanket life!

Before her date with Arie, Emily has already decided to pick Jef with one F. So, he's got that going for him.

She lets us know that she's going to tell Arie that as much as she loves him, she loves someone else a little bit more. So, he's got that going for him, too.

Even so, Arie gets to go to a location to meet a woman who is going to help him make a love potion, even though he has zero idea he's about to get dumped from a faux-relationship on national television, both of which are in no way embarrassing.

They show Arie telling us how he's going to marry Emily over and over again, and I remember that the woman producing this show is one of Arie's ex-girlfriends, so I'm sure this horrific, vindictive editing is in no way purposeful.

Emily shows up and dumps Arie in angelic lighting, doing that weird "touch my eyes with only two fingers" thing every girl does when they cry, and the wet blanket dries up dramatically fast.

Back in the studio, tons of sad, middle-aged women are sad and middle-aged, tragically grief stricken by a man's departure from a reality television show.

--

Before we get married without having slept with each other or mutually saying I love you or thinking about the fact that this is probably a horrible idea, there are some decisions to be made that are obviously more important.

Emily patiently awaits her princess engagement to One F and hangs out with Ricki, who draws words in sand on the beach just like her mother, the only difference being that she's six year old and that's what six year olds do.

Then they both write in their pretty pretty princess journals.

Meanwhile, Jef looks over a selection of a few one billion trillion dollar wedding rings and selects his favorite two billion trillion dollar one. Apparently, the non-profit African water business is good.

Then he walks on the beach thinking in colored khakis, because they're so hot right now.

Then, in a moment that blows my mind, the entire show culminates in Jef with one F  meeting up with Emily in an alleyway in Curaçao. Again. He proposes in a fucking alleyway. 

He proposes, and Emily says yes immediately after she just said that no matter what, she definitely wouldn't say yes, because Emily doesn't  make snap judgments.

And with that, One F, Emily and Ricki walk off into the sunset to fulfill their happily ever after.

Hopefully in a hip, up-and-coming village in Africa that has artisan drip coffee.

ELIMINATED:

Arie, the guy who did the thing her dead husband did who was also the wettest of the wet blankets.

THE COTILLION WINNER:

Jef with one F, the little misspelled hipster that could.

I would write about the "After the Rose" ceremony, but it wasn't interesting enough and all you need to know is that Arie is still a huge wet blanket and flew to North Carolina after he lost to leave his journal on Emily's doorstep. Unreal. Anyway.

I'd like to thank everyone for reading these recaps.

It started out as a random thing I wanted to do just to pass the time and turned into something I got way too emotionally invested in.

To be clear, I have no idea if I'm talking about Jef with one F or the recaps in that last sentence.

Maybe I'll do this again when The Bachelor rolls around, but I'm still a little undecided because it takes a surprising amount of time to make fun of these people.

Honestly, though: the comments and emails you've sent along have been hilarious and fantastic. It's been really fun losing my dignity with all of you, even though i'm not sure I had any to begin with.

Until next time, everyone.

Drew with one W, out.

 

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 9)

Episode 9: I'm scared of swimming with dolphins. Does that seem like someone you'd be interested in spending the rest of your life with?

Where We Left Off

We're down to 3 dude-bros. The guy who lost Cotillion last week was:

Gerard Butler, the guy whose family was Polish on a scale of one to Polish.

Emily travelled to the guys hometowns and judged the shit out of their families and decided whether or not they were going to inherit enough money when their parents died for her to get a decent settlement when she Katie Holmes Cruise's them. After his "closer" move was an intense Polish dance party, Emily decided that maybe Gerard Butler wasn't second marriage/third engagement step-dad material.

This week, the final three dude-bro's are off to Curaçao with Emily, an incredibly hard-to-spell island where she can finally decide who she met on television that she'd like to marry. Previews indicate that Arie needs to get a better oil-controlling facial product, dolphins gon' swim, and that Curaçao is basically one amazing Instagram shot that no one is going to capitalize on.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of what appears to be stock footage of an American Airlines plane landing somewhere that may or may not be Curaçao, because the airline probably spent the last of it's government bailout money simply acquiring the right to sponsor the show and couldn't actually afford to fly a plane there this year.

Emily wants to walk near the water, but does not want to touch the water, while she describes the reasons she likes the remaining dude-bro's.

She likes Sean because he's a, "football playin' muscular guy who's also, like, really sensitive and thinks," which for her is, "like, the best of both worlds!" To show how interesting he is, we see a shot of him yelling the name of the city he's in when he's in a city and then we're reminded that he can throw a log, which are both huge qualities you look for in a husband.

She likes Jef with one F because he's his own person. To signify this, we see him sliding down a slide backwards, whoaAaAhhh!

She then says that he marches to his own drum. Not the beat of his own drum. Just his own drum.

They show a shot of them on a beach in a previous episode, and I'm flabbergasted that I didn't make fun of this blanket.

She likes Arie because he's so sweet. We see a shot of Arie's crotch during this sentiment, which seems like odd editing.

She says, "I could say a million things about Arie," but then she doesn't, because we all know that Emily doesn't know a million things and/or words.

Emily draws her name in the sand with a plus sign and a question mark, because she is an adult and that's what adults do when they don't know which boy to pick when they're marrying one on national television.

The ocean washes away the sand, leaving only her name, which is a complex metaphor that will haunt us all forever.

--

The Sean Date: I didn't know how long I'd be here, so I bought every deep v in every store, ever. 

Sean meets Emily on a beach wearing the deepest of the deep v's and colored khakis, because colored khakis are so hot right now. He's also wearing Tom's to say to Jef with one F, "you're not the only one saving Africa, broham."

They take a helicopter to their own remote island for the day to have some boring conversation. On their way over, they talk to each other over their helicopter headphones and it s_nds lke thssss so I'm glad they televised it.

They get to the island, and Sean says he took her there because he wanted it just to be him and her, that finally they're all alone. Because you're definitely all alone with a gigantic camera crew on a small, remote island.

Sean. Buy a pair of fucking sunglasses.

Sean spends a lot of time talking about his ex girlfriend, which is the number one thing you want to do on a deserted island with a woman who wants to sleep with you.

Emily plays with her hair, because it's been two minutes since she has.

He has trouble pulling the trigger on saying I love you, so instead he asks her if she wants to go snorkeling, which seems like a pretty good compromise.

At this point, I wonder if they had to pee on the island and where they would do that, since it seems like they've been there all day. I presume they probably just went in the ocean. Probably now.

For the evening date, Sean changes into a new extreme low cut v.

Sean wrote Emily's daughter Ricki a letter, because it's a nice, passive aggressive way to say I love you to Emily in a gigantic half-assed way. He has the handwriting of a teenage girl.

It has a lot of words in it that would probably overwhelm a six year old girl, because six year old girls probably can't grasp everlasting television love yet.

He finally tells her that he loves her with his big boy words. They make out, and Sean has no idea what to do with his wine glass.

They receive a letter from producers that says they can stay the night together in the "fantasy suite." If you asked a woman in real life to come stay in a "fantasy suite" with you, her name would be Mercedes or Candy and she would most likely be a stripper.

They decide to at least go in the hot tub in the fantasy suite, even though her name is just Emily.

The only thing that comes out of their time there is the realization that Sean definitely didn't apply suntan lotion, because he's irresponsible but we already knew that because he doesn't bring sunglasses anywhere.

She then sends him home for the evening, because she has morals and doesn't want her daughter to think any less of her. Good thing she didn't go on a television show to find a father for her.

--

The Jef with one F Date: Let's bridle these passions as two very small people should. 

For their date, Jef with one F and Emily go on a boat with a ton of wind, which essentially makes it impossible to hear anything they say. I'm pretty sure the people running The Bachelorette are first year film school students at Full Sail.

One F's hair looks glorious blowing in the wind.

He says he called his parents, who are skeptical of this whole thing but now they're totally into it. I'm assuming his parents are Joseph Smith and/or Brigham Young.

Jef with one F explains that, at the start of things, his relationship with Emily was like an unfinished painting, but that now it was turning into a masterpiece.

He explains this in intense hand gestures, in case we didn't understand his complex metaphor.

He's not done with the metaphors. He tells us that even though the sun is setting in Curaçao, his relationship with Emily is, just in fact, rising and starting.

My man crush on One F is a becoming a slow, setting sun. If he was here, I would explain it for him in complex hand gestures.

For the second week in a row, they show a commercial for a bottled water that isn't Jef with one F's, and I'm starting to wonder if ABC hates Africa.

They have a romantic dinner and Jef with one F basically says all the right things, because that's what a guy who spells his name with only one F does.

When she asks him if he'd like to go to the fantasy suite, he says they shouldn't rush things, because he plans on spending the rest of their lives in their own little fantasy suite, and Jesus, did he honestly just say that?

One F then says that right now is the time for them to bridle these passions, because people often just say shit like, "bridle these passions" in passing conversation, because this is a Jane Austen novel.

They go to the fantasy suite anyway, and make out as two very tiny people on a gigantic chair.

--

The Arie Date: Who the fuck is afraid of dolphins?

Arie kicks off the date in classic wet blanket mode, letting us know that he's loved Emily since their first date followed by eating her face.

They go swimming with dolphins, and Emily says that because he can swim with dolphins he'd be a great dad. What?

Emily let's us know that she's afraid of swimming with dolphins. Who's afraid of swimming with dolphins? That's like being afraid of rainbows.

Before we go to dinner, a dolphin says, "SUP MOTHERFUCKERS??"

We come back from commercial break to an amazing Instagram shot that I'm angry no one took, because it would have one billion likes and that's all that matters in life.

At dinner, Arie winks at Emily, and we all vomit and/or wonder if people still do shit like that.

Arie has a maniacal look on his face, and I wish he'd buy some astringent or maybe just think about excusing himself to wipe the sweat off of his face.

She asks about what he's like back home in Arizona, and Arie says he doesn't ever like to be alone. Who saw that one coming.

Unlike the other guys, she doesn't even offer the fantasy suite card to Arie. When he watches this episode if he wins, it will absolutely be their first fight.

Arie: "So. Wait. You gave the other two dudes the chance to sleep with you?"

Emily: "Yeah babe, but I love YOU. Boop!"

(Four hours later, when Arie wakes Emily up in bed.)

Arie: "Babe. are you up?"

Emily: "Arie, what time is it…"

Arie: "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE THE OTHER GUYS THE FANTASY SUITE CARD?"

We go to commercial break and see that Kalon is going to be in the show Bachelor Pad, and I long for the good old days where we weren't bored to shit by every episode and people were terrible.

--

The Rose Ceremony: At least I dumped you in Curaçao?

When deciding who to eliminate this week, Emily says it's tough because she wants to just end up with one person, and I'm not sure anyone has explained the show and/or how dating works to her yet.

Each guy got a chance to make a video telling her how much they love her.

Sean yells, "EMILYYY!" in his, because he hasn't done that yet this episode.

Jef with one F says that he wants to see 1,000 sunsets with her, because he's running out of Mr. Charmingpants things to say.

Arie probably says some wet blanket shit, but I don't really remember.

Arie is wearing the exact same thing as the host of the show, which must be sort of embarrassing, sort of like being on this television show, and/or watching it every week and writing about it.

She picks Arie and Jef with one F, and Sean makes everyone feel genuinely sorry for him because he was probably the only one it would have worked out with, for whatever that's worth.

I go to bed realizing I've written over 23,000 words about a show called The Bachelorette.

ELIMINATED:

Sean, the guy who always yelled the name of the place he was in who also never wore sunglasses when he should have.

FRONTRUNNER:

Arie, because Jef with one F is the next bachelor and why wouldn't she pick the guy who she's doomed with?

Next week is the show where they all talk shit in a studio, so I'm not writing that one up. I'll be back for the finale.

See you then.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 8)

Episode 8: I'd love to meet your family, judge the shit out of you based on them and then dump you if I didn't like them. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to 4 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

Doug, the guy who was probably gay.

and Wolf, because Gerard Butler totally bro-fouled him and it turns out his nickname is just "Wolf" because his last name is Wolfner, so who cares about him anyway.

Emily and the guys travelled to Prague, where Emily and Jef with one F played with dolls and Arie came clean about previously doing one of Emily's friends. Main takeaways from the episode were:

Doug, the guy who I presumed was using his child as bait to get laid before I realized he's probably gay, is probably gay and was eliminated accordingly.

Chris, the guy who looks like Gerard Butler, is emotionally unstable and is not handling Emily dating other guys well, because he came on a show where the girl you date dates everyone else that you know. Like, it's in a legally signed contract that she has to do so. So who saw that coming.

- Jef with one F, the guy who saves all of the African children yet can't spell his name correctly, is sneakily hipster-charming the pants off of a sorority girl from the south. It's like watching an elephant and a snow leopard fall in love. Wildly fascinating.

This week it's time for hometowns, where Emily visits each dude-bro where they grew up, meets his family, judges them and decides on three out of the four that she'd like to marry the most after knowing them on television for three months. Previews indicate that Arie the wet blanket is, in fact, a race car driver, and that Jef with one F is doing really well in the water for African's non-profit sector.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of Emily seeing her daughter Ricki after being away on 4,298 vacations for the past ever. She holds her on the stairs and I'm terrified she's going to drop her, and I'm wondering if I can call child services but then realize that I'd have to start the conversation with, "Hey, I'm watching a television show about a woman who wants to get married so she is going to have a round robin tournament squaring off 25 men against each other, and she's holding her daughter on the stairs and…hello? Are you still there?"

Ricki's got sweet braids that she probably hasn't taken out since Bermuda, and I just hope she's washing her hair.

I then realize I'm posting pictures of a child on the internet and criticizing her, and I worry about whether or not I am a good person, until I swiftly realize that: I'm not, it's okay, that's funny.

We then get a rundown of why she's excited to see each of the remaining four dude-bros.

She's excited to see Gerard Butler because they had a killer connection. This is signified by the time that, when he did not know her at all, he brought her a true-to-life bobble head doll of her, which is what you do when you don't know someone but want to form a killer connection with them and/or get arrested.

She's excited to see Jef with one F because he has an edge to him and she likes that. To signify his edge, we see him playing with dolls.

She's exicited to see Arie because he, too, has a bad boy edge. To signify this, we see him gently touch her knee effeminately.

And of course, she's excited to see Sean because she cares about him a lot. To signify this, we see her stroke his biceps a few times.

Before she goes to bed, she looks through the blinds, and I just assume it's to see if Ryan, the previously eliminated guy who probably hides in bushes and acts like Mark Whalberg in the film Fear, was hiding in the bushes. A fear she will probably now understandably live with for the rest of her life.

--

Hometown #1: Gerard Butler is from Chicago, and he really wants you to know he's Polish. 

In Chicago, Emily sneaks up on Gerard Butler and they giggle like giggle monsters. He says, "don't scare me like that!" in a really effeminate way, and I wonder how he handled the Goosebumps book series as a child.

When asked to describe his family, Gerard Butler says that on a scale of one to Polish, they're Polish, as opposed to an 8, or say an 8.5.

Emily talks about how Gerard knows all the cool places to take her, and immediately after her statement they go to a log cabin polish restaurant that looks like it's going out of business in a week.

Before they go to meet his family back at his house, he tells her that his mom is overly emotional. Emily says "I love that!" and absolutely zero people in the world are surprised.

We go to commercial break, and there is an Applebee's commercial with a black chef casually hanging out on a farm, and I want to be in the room that cast and conceived this commercial so very much.

Ad Guy: "Americans want to see black people. But not doing black people things. They want to see black people doing white people things. I'VE GOT IT: black guy holding a tomato in a farm, in his chef's outfit…wait for it…talking about APPLEBEE'S. Boom. See you in Cannes, motherfuckers."

Moving on.

We get to the house and meet Gerard's family, including his father who has a thick Polish accent and sounds like he could be a terrorist in any 1980's Bruce Willis film, but only a sequel.

Emily casually plays with her hair at the dinner table, because she's not a blonde cliche.

Gerard's father asks Emily if he can speak with her and oddly takes her into a basement, where he's either going to talk about his son's feelings or ask her if she's ever done any adult film acting before.

Emily asks Gerard's father if he thinks Gerard is ready to take care of her six year old daughter. The terrorist says "he'll do his best" which is, no doubt, reassuring.

Emily then sits with his sister, who has that look on her face that says, "Fuck you, you pretty bitch. Why should you get a television show? I am just as good looking."

Throughout all of the talks, there is a lot of soft guitar music. Because in people's hometowns? It's all about soft guitar music.

At the end of dinner, Gerard tells her that he is in love with her. He says that the kiss they shared after is a completeness, which is signified by his interlocked fingers.

They go back inside for a surprise Polish party, because you can't say that on a scale of one to Polish, your family is Polish without a strong Polish party follow through.

--

Hometown #2: My name is Jef with one F, and let me tell you, the African child water business is doing well. 

Before we get to Jef with one F's segment, I immediately research the city he grew up in. The internet tells me that St. George, Utah is the second most expensive place to live in Utah behind Park City, so it looks like those African children one F's been helping are in luck.

As we drive up, Jef with one F casually mentions that his family owns a ranch that sprawls a few hundred acres. NBD.

Going around the "few hundred acre" property, the whole vague career path of "entrepreneur" becomes a bit more clear, because it's easier to start a global non-profit charity when you are made of one billion trillion dollars.

At this point, Jef with one F immediately proves why he's not to be fucked with in this competition, as he reads situations well and goes total white trash on Emily by first going extreme dune buggie driving…

…followed by a light skeet shooting session with shotguns, all while still casually wearing skinny jeans with perfectly coifed hair.

Jef with one F then drops a "Nailed It!" a la San Franciso Giants Closer Brian Wilson and I don't really care if he wins anymore, I just want to know if he wants to hang out this weekend.

When they begin to discuss his family, we start to tee up the inevitable Mormon jokes that we were all just waiting to make. He mentions about 14 brothers and sisters on the premises that they'll meet, yet his parents couldn't make it because they're at a "charity thing" in South Carolina, which means they're doing crazy Mormon shit.

As we walk up to the people we were promised, it's starting to look more and more "Children of God" by the minute. One of the daughters takes this time to get real weird for the camera.

We go to commercial break, and right before they come back there is a bottled water commercial that isn't Jef's bottled water. Somewhere, an African child is crying and not receiving a bottle of water.

We are formally introduced at lunch to "Brother Steve", who has a real creepy cult leader look to him.

Again, as if I'm willing it to happen, he asks everyone to drink the lemonade he's poured them. If Emily wakes up next to chanting people with candles in a barn, no one would be shocked.

Emily then sits down with Jef's "sisters." One "sister" isn't blonde, and I think we all know that she is probably getting murdered for breaking the rules immediately following this talk with "Brother Steve."

Back at the picnic tables, One F gets a little handsy. He's a bad boy, ladies. That's what you gotta be when you're livin' on the one F edge.

He takes Emily to a sunset and wants to read her words he wrote when he was flying home from Prague. It's so douchey, but I'm only saying that because i'm jealous and know that every girl across America is just eating this up.

He drops the L bomb, and it's somehow not entirely wet blanket-ish and I have to believe he's in the lead in the shotgun marriage tournament.

--

Hometown #3: Arie from Phoenix wants you to know that his Mother is a terrible person whose face hasn't moved, maybe ever. 

Arie wastes no time this week and jumps right into wet blanket mode, eating Emily's face immediately.

It's been a few episodes since they've shown us a duck, so thank God, they show us a duck.

They go to hang out at a lake in Phoenix on the grass, both of which are no doubt natural, just like the way Arie kisses.

Arie tells Emily that his mom is a terrible European person who DOES NOT LIKE AMERICAN GIRL. It might explain why he's a wet blanket, because he presumably never got attention as a child.

They go to meet his family at their gigantic home (so you know he's still in this), and his family seems cold and terrible.

His mother's face doesn't move, and she sounds an awful lot like she is a terrorist as well. She begins to speak in Dutch with Arie while Emily just sits there, and it's awkward. She then asks Emily if they can speak privately.

To Mom Whose Face Doesn't Move's credit, she asks a question I'm shocked hasn't come up yet: why her previous television engagement didn't work out that she, herself, watched on television. She then talks funny, and says that she is, "sinkingggg zat zee engagements are for zee finality of it, no?"

Emily asks M.W.F.D.M. if she thinks Arie could balance his life between auto racing and her, and M.W.F.D.M. says, "zat's hard to aNNNNser because it is REEEEELY hard." Which makes absolutely no sense.

Outside, Arie has to get in at least one wet blanket statement and tells his father that he could definitely propose to Emily and that he's ready to do it right now.

Then, Arie and Emily make out, and it becomes clear that they didn't fire the lighting guy whose only job was to make sure things were properly lit.

--

Hometown #4: I'm Sean from Dallas, and I'm not sure who I am but I know that I love to get aggressive with my tongue. 

In Dallas, Sean takes Emily to wear the ducks are, because Emily loves the ducks.

He picks her flowers, and then looks at them like he doesn't know what they are.

Sean may or may not be dumb as a board.

I'd really like Sean to start taking his sunglasses places.

They make out, and Sean continues his quest to use all of his tongue in her mouth, all of the time.

Back at home, Sean drops a bomb on Emily and tells her that he still lives at home, because he chooses to. We see his messy room and he shows her all of the stuffed animals that he has that are named really effeminate things.

Emily proceeds to say that she now has zero interest in him, because as the tabloids have noted, she's a bit of a star-fucker who also only dates guys who are incredibly rich. He tells her he's kidding, that he does not in fact live at home, and Emily says in her interview that Sean doesn't hear, "Nevermind! Sorry America, just joshin'!"

They have a meal with his parents, and no one says anything notable, but I will say that I like Sean's father more than most people on the show, and Emily should probably just go after him.

Emily drives off after the meal, and because we can't have an episode where Sean doesn't act like a big dumb animal at least once, he runs after the car and does the Sean "EMILLYYYY" thing, and they make out.

I'm over Sean. Where the fuck is Jef with one F.

--

Time for me to give one of you emotional issues for the rest of your life when I tell you that I don't like you or your family. 

Back at the rose ceremony, Emily looks exactly like the last bachelorette, Ali Fedotowsky, because this show wants to make sure they aren't just rolling out a bunch of fembots who are entirely interchangeable.

For the first time, I realize that Jef with one F is shockingly shorter than everyone else, and that in some ways, this explains his choice of hairstyle.

I notice that Jef with one F and I own the same tie, and okay I'll stop. I'm sorry, I know. This is getting gross.

(One F: Call me.)

Without a lot of buildup, Emily eliminates Gerard Butler, who goes into full psycho mode again and basically verbally abuses her for dumping him, because he wants to reassure everyone that he's pretty stable.

On the limo ride home, he says that he's ten times the man as all of the men left.

But, c'mon, Gerard. Take one last look at this picture.

You're not really fooling anyone, bud.

ELIMINATED:

Gerard Butler, the guy whose family was Polish on a scale of one to Polish.

FRONTRUNNER:

Jef with one F, because I say so.

See you next week, everyone. Happy 'merica.