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The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 9)

Episode 9: I hope this cave doesn't abandon me because people have before, so who knows.  12

Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 1 more woman, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 3.

The girl who was declared "not the prettiest princess" was:

Dez, because her brother was not a good choice, like milk.

Sean had hometown dates with each of the remaining girls, in which he asked each of their parents if he could have their daughter's hand in marriage, because on television that's how marriage works.

On AshLee's (the girl who was adopted and we are supposed to talk about it), he found out she's not going to take it well when she doesn't get picked to win the televised round robin marriage tournament because adoption adoption, crying, adoption.

On Catherine's (the vegan who likes the beef), he probably should have stolen a lamp because that was the best thing he had going.

On Lindsay's (the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date), he found out that Lindsay is probably more into role playing than the wedding dress led on.

And on Dez's (the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd), he found out Matt Saracen is a real person and that he does not like the television show The Bachelor.

Other than that, we mostly just found out that Missouri doesn't know how green lights work.

This week we're down to the final three women, which means they will fly somewhere normal people cannot afford to vacation so that one person can find out on national television that more than one person is more appealing to get married to than they are.

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General Recap

We open on a shot of Sean standing on the edge of a boat in Thailand as incredibly racist "this is Asian-ish" music plays, because he's in an Asian-ish place.

1

I worry about how Sean sustained an injury to his knee, though I can only imagine it was from all of the sweet reps he was doing on the muscles machines.

2

Sean walks through the forest in a shirt that has sleeves, but then realizes that Sean doesn't wear sleeves, so he changes before he walks through the hotel.

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All of that sleeveless walking makes Sean tired, so he takes a nap to think about love and how hard it is.

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Mostly I'm just happy that he finally bought a pair of fucking sunglasses.

6

--

I feel like Thailand is all around us in Thailand.

Sean and Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, take the first date and go to a Thai market, where they look into buying things like colored chicks. It seems like I'm being wildly racist in typing that. I am not.

7

Lindsay says that they've been on luxurious dates like helicopter rides and other amazing things, but that she's excited to go on a normal date like going to a market because that's what normal people do. Sadly, Lindsay leaves out the part where normal people also pay for things like the entire vacation and everything they buy at the market in real life and ABC does not.

Sean makes Lindsay eat bugs, because Lindsay doesn't want to and I wouldn't be surprised if Sean then kicked her in the shins and ran off of the playground because that was his way of showing her he liked her.

8

Sean says that when he's with Lindsay that he feels like he's with his high school sweetheart and that that's what he's looking for in a marriage, and see? Shin kick/playground/you're the best.

9

They kiss and Sean says "Mm! Know what I mean?" and Lindsay says, "Trust me, I know what you mean," and that's how Christians tell each other that they want to have sex.

10

They walk to a beautiful beach and stumble upon a giant group of monkeys at sunset. The monkeys turn and look at them, as though saying, "you have GOT to be fucking kidding me."

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They feed the monkeys grapes, and I notice that Sean is wearing underpants under his swimsuit, which makes me angry because that is redundant, as swimsuits are already underpants.

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Sean says that he's asking himself, "Could this girl be my wife?" and I hope so, Sean, as that is the entire point of the television show.

For dinner, Sean takes Lindsay to It's A Small World, but Thailand.

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Sean could use an astringent.

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Sean asks if she'd be willing to move to Dallas, to which she responds that she has everything open, and even Sean sort of looks like he's thinking about saying, "that's what she said."

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Dancers come out as music plays, and Lindsay says that all of the sudden, Thailand is all around them, and who knows what's been around them before that sudden.

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Lindsay opens the letter that explains to them that they can stay together in the fantasy suite and has an awful lot of trouble reading it, and all of the sudden it dawns on me why she just can't seem to shake that "substitute" in front of the word "teacher" in her job title.

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Lindsay says "I love you" to Sean, and then Sean says "I love hearing you say that," and that's sort of like telling someone "you are the best" and hearing them say "I know, right?"

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We see the lights of the room still on, though we're all pretty sure that Lindsay's dignity is taken off swiftly inside.

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--

I hope this cave doesn't abandon me because people have before, so who knows. 

Sean talks about how AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), has said a lot of times that she loves him, followed by her saying that she is on an island with the love of her life within 45 seconds of the beginning of her segment.

I finally realize that she's basically just Stacey from Wayne's World.

Stacey

She says that she's just this school girl in love, and I think about how funny it'd be if she was basically Drew Barrymore from the film 50 First Dates and just wakes up every day thinking she's still in high school and honestly believes that Sean is the guy she married when she was 17.

She then says some iteration of the word "love" five times in under 10 seconds, and I begin to wonder what it's like when she tries a food she likes or hears a song that she enjoys.

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Sean tells her that they are going to go swimming in a cave, and she brings up the fact that her parents abandoned her as a child, and that has nothing to do with swimming in a cave because caves cannot adopt you, nor can they abandon you.

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As they enter the cave, she says she's more vulnerable than she's been in her entire life, and that's not true because adoption.

She says that the cave is scary, but that that's what love is like. That when you're in love, it's like you're going down this dark alleyway, and if she was describing love to a child they would start crying maniacally.

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She says that in this situation, you have to let go, otherwise you don't fall in love, and I worry that AshLee might be a scosh hyperbolic.

AshLee says that if Sean proposed to her today there is no doubt in her mind that she would say yes, and I'm really hoping that when he does not pick her, they do a split screen and show a parent telling a child that Santa Claus isn't real because the reaction might be identical.

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ABC advertises the show Wife Swap during the show where people are trying to marry someone  in a round robin marriage tournament, and that's funny.

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AshLee talks about how the overnight date is the one thing she's been worried about on the show, which is strange, because I feel as though she's barely come short of blaming inanimate objects about her fear of abandonment.

She talks about marriage and why she is still single and says, "you know, why settle? I'm glad I waited!" which is an odd thing for someone to say who got married at the age of 17 because that is the opposite of waiting, and/or not settling.

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She says that she doesn't take getting engaged lightly and the same exact joke as the previous sentence because it's still funny and getting engaged at the age of 17 is, in fact, taking getting engaged lightly.

He invites her to the fantasy suite, and though hesitant, she allows him to adopt her for the night. She tells him as they sit there her exact ring size and what she'd like her ring to look like, and Sean must know in this exact moment that he's made an adopted grave mistake.

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--

I'd marry you. Also, I mayyyy have an eating disorder. 

For the third time in one episode, Sean stands on the end of a boat just like he saw in the hit film Titanic, and finally someone bites and Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, does the "I'm the king of the world" joke and I think to myself how happy I am that I don't date people who would make that joke.

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Catherine says that this is the most open she's been with anyone for 3 1/2 years, and that's a very specific amount of time and I wonder if someone else that she didn't know had a tree fall on them around then.

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They kiss in the water, and I wish someone would wipe the camera.

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They get out of the water and he just slowly eats her face.

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She talks about how going into the fantasy suite is tough for her, because she's more traditional when it comes to relationships, which has been made pretty clear by coming on national television to find a relationship. She says that she would have to put a "different" side of herself out there in the suite, because "different" is better than saying "if we go into a hotel room, I'm going to have tons of sex," on national television.

She tells Sean with a straight face that she hopes he understands that she doesn't only like him because he's hunky and beefy, and I feel that the Catherine who used to say that she loved the beef is betraying herself.

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She says that she's been made fun of all her life, that people would say "oh you're chubby, you eat too much," and this seems like the wrong time to casually bring up eating disorders.

We watch two attractive people talk about how much they like each other, and then we presume that they have tons of attractive people sex.

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Adopted adopted, adopted, adopted? Adopted WAIT WHAT THE FUCK.

Sean watches videos each of the girls made telling him how much they love him, and adopted adopted, adopted cries in hers because jesus, she is the absolute fucking worst.

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Sean eliminates AshLee, and maybe I was wrong about who was the bunny killer all along.

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bunny

ELIMINATED:

AshLee, because adoption adoption I LOVE YOU adoption DIE BUNNY adoption. Adoption.

FRONTRUNNER:

Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 68: Songs that you should consider adopting.

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STREAM IT at the links below:

DISC 1

DISC 2

DOWNLOAD ALL OF THE MP3′s at the links below:

DISC 1

DISC 2

See you guys for the finale.

 

The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 8)

Last week, I did not review Episode 8. I woke up on Tuesday to someone whom I love very much having the day Tierra only dreams of having: a real medical problem that didn't come from being batshit crazy. Because of this, there just wasn't a lot of funny haha in me and I needed to take the time to take care of her, because she's the best and I didn't meet her on national television, nor do I give her roses after every time that I see her to signify to her that I still like her and am not going to eliminate her from consideration in my life.

In other words: life got in the way of me being a snarky asshole on the Internet.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who wrote or commented that actually seemed to miss me writing about this ridiculous show. That's not just some self-deprecating bullshit: it's crazy that something that sort of started out as a huge joke has turned into something I really love to do. You have no idea how cool it is to know that you're making people…strangers laugh. Just know that I read every last thing you guys write me and I hope we can keep doing this for however many seasons these people humiliate themselves on national television.  You're all just the goddamn best.

I'll do a full recap about tonight's episode on Wednesday. In the meantime, below is the "i'm putting in a 1% effort just so we don't miss a full week" version of the usual ones just to catch us all up. See you in a few days.

Episode 8: My white trash brother hates you and asked you to "holler at him." Want to get married?

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Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 2 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 4.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Tierra, because Sean couldn't take her sparkle.

And Leslie, because there were no more dark rooms to kiss in.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Ashlee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it) and Tierra. In one he found out that the girl who was adopted also got married when she was in high school (which was like a red flag hatching and waving its own red flag) and in the other he found out that a girl couldn't make proper statements grammar complete sentence making. Other than that, Tierra told everyone she couldn't control her face and that she had a sparkle that her parents didn't want her to lose on national television.

It's time for hometowns, where Sean goes to meet everyone's family and asks four fathers for their daughter's hand in marriage, because that's how real love works and is in no way sleazy. I will go over general takeaways from each briefly, but that's about it.

This week, we've been promised that AshLee is in love are you listening she's in love she'll tell you again she's in love, Dez's brother was a poor choice for a dinner party guest because he uses the term "holler" unironically, and that Sean goes through an emotional roller coaster.

As opposed to an unemotional one.

--

I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love? I'm in love! I'm in love. Wet blanket. Adopted.

The first hometown date was with AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it).

We opened on a shot of a Texas Flag on a street named Texas, followed by a sign that says "Welcome to Houston" because Houston is in Texas and they wanted to make sure that we all knew that we were in Texas, no, seriously, Texas.

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The rest of her portion of the episode was made up of various quotes that verified that AshLee is going to become incredibly unstable if/when Sean does not choose her to win the round robin television marriage tournament. Unstable quote highlights include:

- "Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was, I had no clue!" (Which we were aware of, because she married a guy when she was 17. So.)

- "I've stepped out of my comfort zone because he said to trust him." (And everyone knows that it's a good idea to trust someone who is meeting the parents of the three other girls he's dating immediately following your date.)

- "I need him to be the one." (I'm out of red flags.)

Other than that, AshLee cries when she talks about swimming in Canada, because swimming is hard and sad and she's adopted.

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They blur a picture of a Chevy logo on a car, which is like blurring a McDonald's sign or calling it Smichshmonald's to throw us off.

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And that is not AshLee's adopted father's natural hair color.

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Mostly, I'm just upset that she didn't organize any closets while she was home.

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You're willing to do stuff? I'M willing to do stuff!

The second hometown date was with Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef.

They meet at a fish market and throw fish, because she's from Seattle and that's what everyone in Seattle does with their free time.

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Catherine says that Sean is always "willing to do stuff" and that's what she really likes about him, and I feel like Catherine's standards could be a bit more specific, and/or higher.

Her family has a sweet crane lamp, and I think about how if I were Sean? I'd steal that.

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Catherine's grandma makes some weird faces.

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Her sisters tell Sean that it's probably not going to work out because they are the worst sisters ever, and Catherine's mom doesn't give Sean her blessing for Catherine's hand in marriage because she seems to agree with the people watching the TV that maybe, just maybe, Sean is seeing other people. And mothers.

--

My Dad is a drill sergeant, let's pretend I'm a drill sergeant because I'm probably a pretty huge freak. 

The third hometown date was with Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date.

She says she has never been so happy in her whole entire life, and that concerns me, because dating someone who is dating up to 25 other people shouldn't be something that creates said amount of happy.

Her town has a green light system that tells you that you can go straight, or right, or left, which is every possible direction and wildly redundant. I do not understand why they did not employ the green light system that the rest of the country/world has, but in a strange way it also explains a lot about Lindsay.

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Sean is worried about meeting her father because he's in the army, so Lindsay pretends to be a drill sergeant to prep him and says a bunch of weird shit like "kiss me harder" because I'm pretty sure she's super Christian and therefore probably overly sexual because she isn't allowed to be because God said, "nnnnnO. nnnnO."

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Sean asks her father for his blessing after saying he isn't sure that he loves his daughter, so logically he says sure.

She'll probably win, this episode is the worst and I'm bored.

--

This is my brother, white trash Matt Saracen. He hates you. 

The fourth and final hometown date is with Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd.

She has him over for dinner and pranks Sean by inviting a guy over who pretends to be her ex-boyfriend, because guys love stuff like that.

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After that, Dez invites her family over for dinner, which includes a white trash version of Matt Saracen.

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saracen

The brother asks Sean if he minds if he "hollers at him real quick" and Sean says "Yeah, buddy," and I'm surprised no one called each other chief or bro.

Dez's brother tells Sean that he's a playboy and that he's full of shit, and that's a wildly accurate statement and hey, good for you, white trash Matt Saracen.

They go back inside and Matt Saracen cries, because Friday Night Lights ended and that made us all want to cry, too.

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Sean leaves and doesn't like Dez anymore, because her brother is crazy and/or tells the truth and that's no fair.

---

My advice is to make the right decision, which is not, in fact, advice. 

At the rose ceremony, Sean is confused so he stares off into the mountains because that's what Sean does when he is confused.

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Sean doesn't know who to eliminate, so Chris the host tells Sean that his advice is to make the right decision, which is not, in fact, advice.

Sean eliminates Dez, and if I had any sparkle, it's certainly gone now.

ELIMINATED:

Dez, because her brother was not a good choice, like milk.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

AshLee, because adoption adoption I LOVE YOU adoption I LOVE YOU adoption. Adoption.

FRONTRUNNER:

Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

See you guys on Wednesday, and sorry for the delay.

 

The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 7)

Episode 7: I can't control my eyebrows or my face because mom told me I sparkle. 45

Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 3 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 6.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Sarah, because eventually he did need to talk about her arm.

Daniella, because she thought that a goat was a dog and even Sean isn't that dumb.

And Selma, because she didn't like things that were hot, or cold, or anything.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef and Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd. In one he found out that the girl once saw a tree fall on someone when she was 12 (and it makes her sad now) and in the other he found out that he had taken a girl on a date in a tent who had, in fact, grown up in a tent. Other than that, Tierra almost died from a lack of attention and Sean made a girl with one arm cry.

This week, we've been promised that at least two people are going to say "I love you" to someone they just met on television, someone's going to be blindsided/shattered by the fact that Sean likes the other people that she lives with on the "I like everyone you live with" show, and Tierra and AshLee are going to fight about Tierra's face.

--

General Recap

We open on a shot of Sean flying in a seaplane with the six girls he has chosen to think about marrying on national television. He says he feels more optimistic than ever that his wife is here, which he says every week, because that's the whole point of the show.

1

AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), tells us that she wants to look into Sean's eyes, and go to the beach, and see the sun, and wear a swimsuit, and see him wear a swimsuit, and if you close your eyes it sounds like someone just asked a four year old what they'd like to do today.

3

Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, flashes crazy face because why not, it's been too long.

2

AshLee gets the first one-on-one date, and it looks like Tierra's going full batshit earlier than expected.

5

The date card asks AshLee to get "carried away" with Sean, and she says that every time she's with Sean she gets carried away, both physically and emotionally. Get it? Because he picked her up in the last episode.

Oh, AshLee. You adopted jokester.

--

I got married when I was in high school. I love you. Adopted.

For their one-on-one, AshLee and Sean are getting their own private catamaran that is going to take them to their own private island.

ISLAND

AshLee has gold crap on her pants, and it bothers me because I'm just a heterosexual male, doin' heterosexual things like watching The Bachelor on a Monday night.

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Because we're five minutes into the episode, AshLee decides that it's time to talk about being adopted again and cries, because adopted adopted, adopted.

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I realize that AshLee organizes things professionally for a living, so I guess it's either conversations about adoption or conversations about the one time she totally organized the shit out of a closet.

She talks about how she has trust issues, and I think about how it's a good thing she came on the "I hope you don't have trust issues, because man are you gonna be fucked up after this" show.

They lay on a beach and AshLee talks about how Tierra is the worst. Sean spends most of the time trying to get AshLee to notice his sweet, sweet bi's.

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They casually lay in the sand making out, and I worry that the tide is getting to high and I'd like them to be careful.

11

AshLee says that there are moments when they look at each other and their eyes connect, and that's how looking at another person works.

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Sean says that the date has been fun, sexy and romantic, and then runs out of adjectives because words are hard.

He says he hasn't felt this way about this girl in a long time. I think about how it would be funny if the whole show were actually an elaborate joke, and in a twist ending it turned out Sean was actually a guy with Alzheimer's.

At dinner, AshLee tells Sean that she got married when she was a teenager, because who saw the adopted girl having dependency issues coming. Sean says he's okay with it, but makes a face that says, "I am actually pretty not okay with it."

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To diffuse the fact that she may or may not have just scared the shit out of him, AshLee yells "HELLO ST. CROIX!" because Sean loves to yell the name of the place he is in. He yells it, too, because Sean is an animal that has to make a noise if he hears one.

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SEANYELL

She then yells "I LOVE YOU SEAN!" because that's the best way to make a guy think that you don't have dependency issues.

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She continues to tell him that she loves him over and over again, and it's starting to seem like the girl with one-arm had less baggage.

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At least she's not adopted, in which case you could see how someone telling you that they didn't want you on national television might scar you for life.

--

My heart is racing that there is a distant from you and I'm bad at grammar.

Sean says that he's excited for his one-on-one date with Tierra because he has a lot of questions for her, and a lot of questions about her, and that's how dates work so it sounds like he's got a real head start.

Tierra says, "my heart is racing that I'm with Sean," and that's not a complete sentence.

They go shopping for the day and buy things like matching necklaces and infinity bracelets because Tierra is a grown-up.

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They talk about the other girls in the house, and it becomes clear to Tierra that AshLee said mean things about her to Sean, and that makes Tierra boil-a-bunny upset.

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For the most part the date is boring, because when Tierra's not dying of something, it turns out she's just white trash.

Dramatic waves crash in, because dramatic things are happening.

20

Tierra tells Sean that earlier in the day, "there was a little distant from you," and that's not proper grammar, or a saying, or anything.

Sean tells her that the drama with the girls has set them back a little. To signify this, we are shown more dramatic waves.

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Tierra tells Sean that she's falling in love with him, and they walk down the beach like normal people.

We all wonder when she's going to get a disease or murder someone again, because once a girl has gotten fake hypothermia, everything else is a bit of a let down.

--

The girl who wore a wedding dress on the first date is the frontrunner right now. Let that sink in for a minute.

The group date is with Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd and Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date. Sean sneaks into their hotel room early in the morning and takes pictures of them, because there's nothing creepy about that at all.

25

Sean tells them that they have five minutes to get ready and then they have to go.

Catherine says that it's fine because she is low maintenance, and then goes to grab her electronic toothbrush that she's roughing it with.

26

Their date consists of seeing the sunrise before anyone else in the world, road tripping across a tropical island and watching a sunset on the other side of it.

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One of the girls says that it is the perfect date, and it's the first time someone hasn't been hyperbolic on this show, ever.

Along the way, they go to a treehouse and Dez gives Sean a big boy push on a swing, because whooo's a big boy? Seeean's a big boy.

27=8

They head to the beach to wait for the sun to set and HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT PELICAN DIVE BOMB.

29

Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, runs up to Sean to jump into his arms, and we're all afraid that he might just take her out.

30

Catherine tells Sean that her dad won't be there to meet him if he decides to keep her on for the hometown dates because he tried to commit suicide when she was a child. I wonder to myself if, maybe, just maybe, this was the story she should have gone with earlier instead of talking about watching a tree fall on a girl she didn't know at camp when she was 12. But, tomato/tomahto, suicidal father/tree falling on camp girl.

She looks sad.

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But then she see's a dolphin, and everything's ok.

32

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Lindsay's reverse-crazy psychology officially works, and Sean gives her the rose. To be clear: the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date is in the final four, and one of the only girls who hasn't said I love you.

34

In a Usual Suspects-like moment, I completely respect her for Kaiser Soze'ing the shit out of everyone.

--

Let's pick fruit before you dump me.

Sean heads in to his one-on-one with Leslie, the girl he sits in dark rooms with, saying that he's not feeling it, which makes sense because she's the only one who wasn't:

- Adopted.

- Raised in a tent.

- Someone who showed up to a first date in a wedding dress.

- Someone who deemed a tree falling on a stranger when they were 12 a life turning point.

They are going to pick fruit in what Leslie deems to be their, "own secret garden", which she says is her dream come true, which is too specific of a dream to come true and I do not believe her.

35

She says that the more she sees Sean, the better she gets to know him, and I wonder if she's been blown away by every human interaction she's ever had her whole life.

She then says that their relationship has been a natural progression, and that that's the best way to go about a relationship.

If she told us that having milk in your cereal was good, because that was the best way to go about having cereal, I wouldn't even blink.

A cat walks by, and I miss Sean yelling "CROATIA!" in Croatia, and also realize I've watched way too much of this shit in the past year.

croatiacat

Even though she feels like she's falling in love with him (which is a natural progression of a relationship), she decides not to tell him, and they instead enjoy an out of focus kiss on a sunny trail, because there are no dark rooms in paradise.

36

Before they head to commercial, we see a preview of Tierra making this face.

37

And everything is right in the world again.

--

I can't control my face, or my eyebrows, or my "I'm crazy."

Back at the hotel, Tierra and AshLee begin to argue because Tierra believes that AshLee sabotaged her date with Sean, because she did.

AshLee tells her that if she wants to get nitty gritty, she'll get nitty gritty, and apparently nitty gritty means tons of puppet hands.

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After telling AshLee that all of the other girls talk shit about her behind her back, Tierra shows her that two can play at that game and says that she's done with the conversation with an abrupt close of HER puppet mouth.

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AshLee tells all of the other girls what Tierra just said, and Tierra walks in the room and says that she never said that, like a kid who audibly farted and then said that they did not.

At this point, Adopted AshLee psychologically owns Tierra, and we get to watch her go full batshit and unravel like a bitch version of the incredible hulk. Some highlights:

- AshLee tells her that she constantly walks into rooms and raises her eyebrows, to which Tierra responds, "That's my face, AshLee. I can't help that." Which she could, in fact, help.

48

- AshLee brings up the fact that Tierra said that her parents were worried about her coming on the show because she can't get along with other girls, to which Tierra responds, "I didn't say that, I said that my parents said that I have a sparkle, do not let those girls take your sparkle away" because that's how you show everyone how gwown up you are on the pwetty pwetty pwincess show.

44

- AshLee tells her that the look on her face isn't nice, to which Tierra responds, "I CAN'T CONTROL MY EYEBROW. I CANNOT CONTROL MY EYEBROW. I CANNOT CONTROL MY FACE" and all of those statements are false, because it's your face, and some would argue that faces are the most controllable.

45

Tierra leaves the room crying, and even this Iguana can't believe what's going on.

46

Sean comes in to find Tierra, and she cries and says that AshLee sabotaged their connection.

47

In this moment it's as though Sean catches a glimpse of the boiling bunny rabbit in his future, and it's with sadness that Tierra is sent home.

Screen-Shot-2013-02-12-at-9.49.56-PM

She rides off into the sunset and says that she told herself coming onto the show that no one would take her sparkle away.

As she goes, I feel as though she's taken mine with her.

--

Tierra's gone, who cares.

At the rose ceremony, Sean lets the girls know that he sent Tierra home because he's not looking for someone who brings the drama. In this moment, I realize Sean's the guy who would say that he's looking for a roommate who "doesn't bring the party home" in a craigslist ad.

Leslie gets sent home, and oh who cares, I checked out the minute the crazy left the party in the van.

ELIMINATED:

Tierra, because Sean couldn't take her sparkle.

Leslie, because there were no more dark rooms to kiss in.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

AshLee, because adoption adoption I LOVE YOU adoption I LOVE YOU adoption. Adoption.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

Catherine, because SHE'S the cutest.

Dez, because wait no SHE'S the cutest again.

See you next week, everyone.

 

The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 6)

Episode 6: I'm dying of hypothermia. Just kidding, I'm fucking crazy! 21-2

Where We Left Off

Yesterday, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 2 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 9.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Jackie, because oh who cares.

And Robyn, because a black woman can only go so far on this show, even if they're kinda white.

Sean had a one-on-one dates with Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date and a two-on-one date with Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome and Jackie, the girl who may as well have been a hamburger consultant. In one he found out that the girl doesn't know what a helicopter is and in the other he found out a girl had more red flags than we could have ever imagined and therefore decided to continue pursuing her. Other than that, a girl thought a goat was a dog, another drank a cup of goats milk to prove her love for Sean, and everyone would like Tierra to die in a fire.

In the second of the back-to-back episodes, we've been promised that someone may or may not die of hypothermia towards the end of the episode because she went in a frozen lake and no, seriously, they're gonna show us this time and if they don't we are all just going to fucking snap.

--

General Recap

We open on a shot of Sean standing on top of a mountain talking about how he's having some doubts about finding a wife on national television, and I wonder why the whole "I already tried to marry someone on television once and it didn't work out" thing wasn't a scosh of a red flag for him.

2

The girls are meeting Sean in Lake Louise, which is in Alberta, Canada / possibly heaven.

1

I think to myself how I'd really like to travel there, but worry that when people ask me why I went there I'd say, "because I saw it on The Bachelor," and then no one would like me, ever.

As the girls arrive, they blur out the location of their hotel, as though it is a secret we cannot know.

3

Approximately 42 seconds later, they show us a giant sign with the name of the hotel. So.

4

We find out that the first one-on-one date is going to be Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef. Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, is sad because Sean has asked every single person in the televised round robin marriage tournament on a date except her. Even people he eliminated.

5

I feel bad for her for a second because that is, in fact, embarrassing. But then a friend sends me this video and nope, don't feel bad anymore.

http://youtu.be/4b_Zu8su5hk

--

Once when I was 12, I saw a tree fall on someone I didn't know so I'm sad sometimes.

Before their date, Sean has Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, stand out in the middle of a frozen tundra because, romance.

6

Sean pics her up in a snow bus, which is apparently a thing.

7

They drive to the top of a mountain and Sean brings the vehicle to a complete stop, then grabs the walkie talkie on the bus and says, "please stay seated until the vehicle comes to a complete stop" because Sean doesn't understand physics or how to tell good jokes.

8

For the rest of the day, they do handstands and summersaults and make snow angels and no YOU'RE the cutest, NO YOU'RE the cutest.

9

10

11

Later that night, they go to a castle made of ice because he is a prince and she is the princess.

12

Sean says, "Catherine and I are in this insane ice castle, just surrounded by ice." I feel like someone off camera just said, "Sean, can you tell us what's INSIDE the ice castle?" and he answered correctly and then got a treat.

13This part of a one-on-one is usually where the girl tells a sad story about being adopted, or how she had her heart broken. Catherine seemingly doesn't have anything sad to talk about, so she tells him about this one time when she was at camp and a tree fell on a girl in front of her and died. She says that this made her want to grow up and get married and have a family, and those two things have nothing to do with each other.

14

In real life, if a girl told you a story about seeing a tree fall on someone they didn't know when they were twelve on a second date, then started crying, you'd run for the fucking hills. But they're in an ice castle.

It doesn't matter though, because no YOU'RE the cutest. Sean gives her the rose and eats her face.

15

--

Help, I'm dying of making up things I'm dying of to not get eliminated from a televised dating show.

It's time for the group date, and from the previews what we're all hoping is the part where Tierra starts dying of hypothermia, and/or Munchausen's.

Sean meets the girls for the date and tells them that they're going to be canoeing across a lake, and Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it) just canNOT catch a break. Surprisingly, she paddles the shit out of that canoe, and deep down we're all pretty stoked for one arm.

16

Leslie, the girl Sean sits in dark rooms with, gets to ride in Sean's Canoe, and that makes Selma angry, and we all know that when Selma gets angry she gets angry.

She says that she wishes a shark would just pop out of the lake to eat her, and sharks don't exist in lakes.

17

The girls find out they're going to do the polar bear plunge and jump in the lake.

Selma, the girl who looks like Princess Jasmine, says that she comes from Baghdad and that she's a warm weather person, and therefore won't do the plunge because she hates the cold. When she was in a desert, she said she hated deserts because she was from Bahgdad, and she also has fake breasts and came on a show where you kiss boys and said she couldn't kiss boys and it turns out Selma is just the worst. She is the fucking worst.

18

After they all jump in and get out happily, Tierra gets out of the water and begins to go full Munchausen, and this time it's hypothermia.

It goes through many stages.

1. Gollum.

19

2. I'm dying and this is my last breath.

20

3. Wrapped in a hobo bag.

21

4. Zombie

21-2

5. Hobo in a wheelchair.

22

6. Homeless pirate with a latte.

23

Sean comes to visit her and laughs about how this is the third time she's had medical attention since being on the show, and she says, "after the ambulance came I thought 'this guy better marry me!'"

the-bunny

Sean notes that she always finds ways to get one on one time with him and then stares off into the distance as though he's finally putting it together. He tells her not to come to the rest of the date that evening.

Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it), brings pictures of her family to the cocktail party and tells Sean that she'd like him to meet her parents, because who doesn't say stuff like that on a second date that you're sharing with 8 other women that he's interested in.

24

Like clockwork, Tierra puts on her crazy pants and heads to the date anyway, and all of the girls want her to die in a fire.

25

Leslie, the girl Sean sits in dark rooms with, says that, "we have a Tierrorist on our hands" and that's funny.

Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, says that Tierra is too young to get married to Sean, and Lindsay and Tierra are the exact same age.

26

Sean gives the rose to Leslie, and Tierra makes the "I'm gonna go stab and boil some bunnies" face.

27

Back at the hotel, Sean decides to send Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it), home. He states that it was because she showed him her family photos, but we're all pretty sure that it probably has to do with that whole "you've got one arm" thing.

Sarah cries a lot, it's really depressing, and I'm not going to post pictures of it because she seems like a real human being in this moment and I'm a terrible person.

However, I breathe a sigh of relief, as now there are only girls with two arms on the show, and that means that it's open season again.

--

No I'M the cutest. NO I'M the cutest.

Before Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd, goes on her one-on-one date with Sean, Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, wonders out loud why Dez is on a second one-on-one date when she hasn't even had one. I wish someone would say to her, "because you think that goats are dogs."

28

Dez and Sean repel down a mountain.

29

Dez says that it's a lot like a relationship, because it starts scary and then it's difficult and hard, and apparently Dez has only been in the most depressing relationships ever.

As though Dez knows that Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, is on her heels for being the cutest, she climbs a tree with Sean and then they both yell "HELLOOOO CANADAAA" at the top because Sean loves to yell the name of the place he is in and wait now DEZ is the cutest again.

30

They finish their date in a teepee, as though to say, "fuck your ice castle, Catherine."

31

She tells him that when she was growing up she was so poor that her family used to live in tents often, and I bet Sean feels pretty awkward about the fact that he took her on a date in a tent.

He asks her what she wants and she says, "a family," and he says, "You want a family? I WANT a family!" and then gives her the rose.

They kiss in the shadows, because it is the closest Sean can get to darkness.

32

--

Blindfold me, adopted adopted. Adopted.

Back at the rose ceremony, Selma decides that though she doesn't have the courage to jump in a lake, she does have the courage to shame her family on national television and kisses Sean like she's in middle school.

33

 

He doesn't give her a rose, so that was probably worth it.

Because it's been a while since adopted adopted, adopted, AshLee says that she wants to relinquish control to Sean and asks him to blindfold her. She then tells him to take her to another room because it's a metaphor for walking a blind path together or some shit, and then she cries while he kisses her like Christian Grey.

34

I am beginning to hate AshLee, and realize that's going to be difficult when she probably wins.

ELIMINATED:

Sarah, because eventually he did need to talk about her arm.

Daniella, because she thinks that a goat is a dog and even Sean isn't that dumb.

Selma, because she doesn't like things that are hot, or cold, or anything.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Tierra, because she is fucking crazy.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Catherine, because SHE'S the cutest.

Dez, because wait no SHE'S the cutest again.

Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

AshLee, because adoption adoption adoption, adoption adoption. Adoption.

See you next week.

The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 5)

Episode 5: Drink this goats milk and I'll love only you. Just kidding, I love everyone you live with also. 20

Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 2 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 11.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Leslie, the girl who said she was a poker dealer because she played one on TV once.

And Amanda, the girl who broke her jaw who used to look angry in front of fireplaces.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Leslie, the girl who said she was a poker dealer because she played one on TV once and Selma, the girl who looks like Princess Jasmine. In one he wasn't allowed to kiss a girl with fake breasts because she has morals and in the other he let a girl realize her dream of pretending to be a prostitute that she saw in a movie once. Other than that, he took a one-armed girl roller skating and Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen's, acted like a gremlin in an alleyway.

This week, we’re getting two nights of episodes back-to-back, because God hates me and wants me to write over 6,000 words in two days. We've been promised that someone may or may not die of hypothermia towards the end of the episode because she went in a frozen lake and honestly, does anything else even matter?

--

General Recap

We open on a shot of HOLY FUCK, WHAT HAPPENED TO SELMA'S FACE.

1

The girls and Sean are headed to Montana because Sean likes the outdoors and whatever Sean likes, the pretty pretty princesses need to like, too.

Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, says she's, "looking forward to seeing her boyfriend!" and then does this.

2

This would pretty much assure anyone else of never getting laid, ever, but this is a competition to marry the guy who yells the name of the place he is so that everyone knows where he is, so anything is possible, really.

Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, says her name, and then Sean's name, and then says the name of the state they are going to and makes a shape of a heart with her body to signify that they will be in love in the place she just said, because she is a grown up.

3

Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, says that she hopes to get a one-on-one date and says that she's been patient. In the last episode, she hid in an alley like a fucking gremlin waiting for Sean to open a door so she could pop out at him, which is, in fact, the opposite of patience.

Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, is told that she will have the only one-on-one date of the episode and then cries. I wonder to myself what happens when they tell her that her table is ready at a restaurant, or when the barista calls her name at a coffee shop.

4

AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it) gets angry because only adopted girls are supposed to get one-on-one dates.

5

Sean and Lindsay walk outside and see a helicopter in a gigantic open field. Lindsay asks, "Is that a helicopter?" and I can see how it could be a little confusing.

6

They get in and take off, and the other girls point at the helicopter in amazement, and I'm wondering if anyone has ever seen a helicopter before.

7

They all wave at the helicopter like children wave at airplanes. Or birds. Or anything else that has no idea that they're waving at it.

8

---

I think I know you, but I'm not ready to commit to that.

Sean tells the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date that he likes her so much because she's not high maintenance as she sits wearing outlandish amounts of makeup on a mountaintop, and my head almost explodes.

9

She says she feels like she knows him, and he says that he thinks he knows her, too. No one is for certain, though.

Sean then squints like he did in every episode of the show he was on six months ago where he tried to get married to someone, so he must be feeling pretty comfortable again.

10

Instagram picture.

11

Lindsay says that she doesn't know what brought her here, or what led her here, or how this even happened.

12

A helicopter brought her here, a casting agency led her here, and it happened when she auditioned for a televised round robin marriage tournament.

They make out a bunch and talk about how they're really getting to know each other, even though they haven't gotten to know each other.

She gazes up at him exposing a classy tattoo, and he gives her the rose.

13

They walk outside to dance on a stage while a town stares at them.

14

He tells her that when he first saw her he thought she was just a crazy girl in a wedding dress. She responds that she thought he was just a crazy boy in a tie, and i'm pretty sure she doesn't understand how dressing up for a first date works.

15

She says he's "very good looking on the eyes," and that's not how that saying goes.

--

If a girl with one arm can't win a hand job contest then I give up.

Selma, the girl who looks like Princess Jasmine, says that she is excited to see her Prince Charming while looking exactly like a genie.

16

It's not racist because it's true.

Sean asks the girls to follow him to a field full of goats. When Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, sees them, she asks if they are dogs. To be clear, in this episode, girls have been unsure of what a helicopter and a goat are.

17

The girls find out they're going to do a relay race involving a canoe race, using a saw and milking a goat, and it sure is getting hard to have one arm on this show these days.

18

I think about that and realize, however, that milking a goat is pretty much simulating a really intense hand job, and in a bizarro twist of fate? Maybe Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it) was born for this.

It turns out Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd, is really good at milking a goat, and I can't tell if that is a turn on or horrifying.

19

She then chugs a glass of the goats milk and if you did the thing where you closed your eyes and then opened them real fast again, you could absolutely mistake this for porn.

20

The girls find out that even though the team that lost was supposed to go home and not join the other girls on the rest of the date, Sean is going to invite them anyway, and that's no fair.

Selma speaks in the third person and says that when Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry, which seems like a pretty straightforward analysis of getting angry.

21

Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, puts on her crazy pants extra early and decides to crash the date that she has not been invited to. Instead of just casually walking in, she does what she does best and sneaks up on Sean like Stacey from Wayne's World.

22

23

Tierra acts batshit crazy and talks about how she decided to go on the date she wasn't invited to because she needed to see the guy she's dating.

24

For the first time ever, Sean looks horrified, and it's about fucking time, man. Hide your rabbits.

25

Sean says that when he's with Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, he just wants to snuggle with her, because that's what men say on national television.

26

She continues to be the cutest (no SHE'S the cutest) and I'm worried Dez is starting to lose a little ground.

Daniella, the girl that no one really cares about who is terrible at volleyball, cries because she saw Sean talking to other girls and it huwted hew feewings.

27

Dez tells her she's here for her, and boy is Dez doing it wrong, because I think everyone has been making it pretty clear that they are here for Sean.

Daniella tells Sean how huwted hew feewings are and says "like" like, seven times. Like.

28

She then, like, gets the rose, and jesus fucking christ we have to see her for at least another episode.

--

I'm crazy because my ex-boyfriend was a drug addict who died. So. No red flags there.

As Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, and Jackie, the girl who could honestly be a hamburger consultant, get ready to go on the 2-on-1 date with Sean, Tierra says that she's excited to see her husband.

29

the-bunny

Tierra then says that Jackie doesn't know that she's on a date with Tierra and her husband.

the-bunny

Jackie tells Sean that of course she's not talking shit about Tierra, but talks shit about Tierra.

Sensing Sean has picked up on the fact that she may, in fact, murder him at any given moment, Tierra plays all three of the get-out-of-getting-eliminated cards as they go and talk:

- "Someone I know died."

- "I have trouble letting people in because I'm such a good person."

- Crying. So much crying.

She then threatens, "I hope Sean doesn't hurt me" and makes a look at the camera that says, "You're right, viewer at home, I am in no way stable."

30

The threat works, she gets the rose, and the bunnies are safe for now.

--

Tierra has no friends, she's the worst, etc.

Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd, calls Sean out on keeping charity case girls, and Sean gets angry that she won't just say that she's talking about Tierra. He says, "it's fine if it's about her, but don't keep me in the dark," which is strange because Sean lives for doing everything in the dark.

31

The girls confront Tierra about being a terrible person, which makes her so angry that she swears a lot.

32

Tierra says that she is over being on the show. That if she wants to get engaged, she can easily go get engaged, because there are, "plenty of (bleeping) guys in the world." Sean walks by and hears her talking like a crazy person, so she better think of some Munchausen's shit fast.

All I can think about is how much beautiful firewood he has access to that he is taking for granted.

33

My eyeballs bleeding, I begin to realize that I'm mere hours away from watching two more hours of this shit, and I cannot believe how angry I am that they didn't show Tierra dying of hypothermia yet.

ELIMINATED:

Jackie, because oh who cares.

Robyn, because a black woman can only go so far on this show, even if they're kinda white.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Tierra, because she is fucking crazy.

Daniella, because she thinks that a goat is a dog.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Catherine, because wait no SHE'S the cutest.

Lindsay, because she doesn't know what a helicopter is, but who are we kidding, neither does Sean.

AshLee, because adoption adoption adoption, adoption adoption. Adoption.

--

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 67: Songs I could rationalize chugging a glass of goats milk to.

20

STREAM IT at this link.

DOWNLOAD ALL OF THE MP3′s at this link.

See you on Thursday with the next one.

The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 4)

Episode 4: There's a gremlin in the alley! Nevermind, it's just someone I'm considering spending the rest of my life with. Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.32

Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean lowered the self-esteem of 3 more women, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 13.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Kacie, the girl who hated drama who was dramatic whose job was "Ben's Season".

Kristy, the model who wasn't attractive.

And Taryn, because she had to be like 48.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Leslie M., the girl he sits in dark rooms with and AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it). On one he set a worthless world record and on the other he cried because adopted adopted, adopted. Somewhere in between, he found time to blast his pecs on the beach while an ugly model cried during a horrible game of beach volleyball. Other than that, Tierra, the girl who isn't here to make friends, showed off some pretty fantastic signs that she's got Münchausen's.

This week, we've been promised that Sean is going to make a girl with one arm go roller skating, a girl is going to live out her fantasy of being a prostitute that gets taken on a shopping spree and that Tierra is tired of being batshit crazy only sometimes.

--

General Recap

The episode opened up on a shot of girls who look sad, probably because they live with 12 other girls who are also dating the same guy that they are interested in.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-7.08

The host tells the girls that Sean sees his wife in this room right now, because that is the entire point of the show and something that he definitely needs to reinforce.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-7.00

Since we didn't get to see Sean blasting his pecs to open this episode, they make sure we get an amazing double shot of his ass.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-7.35

Selma, the girl who looks like Princess Jasmine, is getting the first one-on-one date with Sean, and says that now they'll take it to the next level, followed by the next level, and then they'll have babies. She may have sounded like a crazy bitch had it only been the next level, but luckily they'll take it to two levels before Sean will impregnate her, so instead she sounds like someone who isn't putting the cart before the horse at all.

Leslie H., the girl who is an actress who once played a poker dealer on the TV so now she lists that as her job, cries because she says she just really wants a date. We're pretty sure we knew this, because she went on national television to find one, which may or may not have hammered the desperation home.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-7.47

--

My mother doesn't want me to kiss a boy on television, so I bought fake breasts to deter that from ever becoming an issue.

Selma and Sean take a private jet, and Selma puts her elbow on his crotch to let us know that she's classy.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-7.57

She says she's dreaming right now and that she doesn't even know if this is real. To be fair, I'm pretty sure she's Princess Jasmine, so it's entirely possible.

As though on cue, she says that she feels like a princess in a castle, and if they started singing A Whole New World I wouldn't even blink.

She constantly clasps her hands together, and it's starting to weird me out.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-7.38

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-8.01.53-PM

They land in the desert at Joshua Tree National Park, and Selma sounds unimpressed, saying, "He took the Iraqi to the desert," and you know what, that's funny, Princess Jasmine.

She continues that, "she does not do well in heat, at all."

That's what she said. If she was sort of boring and not that much fun in bed.

Selma clasps her hands together again like a middle eastern princess.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-8.06

As they drive around, Sean gets a sweet sun flare pic opportunity, and I think about how he should totally Instagram that shit and/or make it a prof pic.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-8.18

They rock climb, and Sean says that her form looks unbelievable, and by form he means ass.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-8.23

Selma says, "I gotta show this man I got it in me" and then we all laugh because it's just getting too easy.

She starts to moan and say "ohmygodohmygod" repeatedly and if you closed your eyes and opened them real fast, you could easily mistake this for a porn.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-8.27

For their evening date, Sean takes Selma to a trailer park, because that's what all princesses dream of.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-8.34

Selma tells Sean that she can't kiss him because she grew up in a strict, conservative home with a mom who doesn't approve of her dating boys in public. I'm not sure Selma knows this yet, but she's on a television show where you kiss and date boys in public, and she also has gigantic fake breasts that are not, in fact, that conservative.

Sean says that her eyes are asking him to kiss her, and it sounds like the beginning dialogue of a cautionary date rape video.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-8.40

He gives her the rose. She says that she feels that her fairytale is just beginning and that he is her prince charming, and I don't have anymore jokes about this.

--

Boy, have I got the "not one-arm friendly" sport for YOU to play!

Before they head out on the group date, the girls were told that they'd need to "roll with the punches today."

Because of this, Lindsay (the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date) says that she thinks they're getting in one of those "giant hamster ball thingies to go rolling down a hill."

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.07

In what is a surprise to everyone, the girl who is a substitute teacher that wore a wedding dress on a first date is not, in fact, all that smart.

Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it), says that she's got a good feeling that having only one arm isn't going to hold her back today, and boy is she wrong because the girls are going to participate in a roller derby.

As they begin to learn how to skate around the track, it becomes apparent that two arms are a pretty big part of that whole "balance" thing.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.15

Sarah starts crying because, you know, a guy is making her do one of those things that are really hard to do with a disability.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.21

Sean say that his heart goes out to her, but it seems like maybe he should have had his arm go out to her instead, since that's the thing she's missing one of.

Just in the nick of time, Amanda, the girl who looks angry in front of fireplaces, saves Sean by falling on and possibly breaking her face off, which causes Sean to, in turn, make this face.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.27

She has to go to the hospital and now no one has to do roller derby at all.

For the night portion of the date, Tierra decides that she doesn't like anyone and throws her toys on the ground and wants to leave the show because IT'S NOT FAIR.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.32

AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), tells the other girls to be nice because, "Tierra just isn't comfortable with this," to which both Robyn, the black girl who's pretty much a white girl, and Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, give an amazing "oh you have GOT to be fucking kidding me" reaction to.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.41

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.40

Tierra cries and and says that she's breaking down inside, that she, "cannot be tortured like this!" Because of this, she does the only logical thing one could do and decides to hide in a dark corner of an alley to wait for Sean to come out of the room that he's talking to Lindsay (the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date) in. She looks like she may or may not be taking a crap on the street.

Screen-Shot-2013-01-29-at-9.34

When Sean walks out, Tierra pops out like a fucking gremlin and cries a lot, interrupting his time with Lindsay.

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She then talks about how hard being on the "dating one guy with a billion other girls" show is for her and that it's not what she signed up for, even though that's actually what she signed up for. She looks sad, so Sean goes to get her the rose out of sympathy and/or fear of being murdered. As he walks away, she immediately makes the "holy shit SHE'S THE KILLER, RUN YOU ASSHOLE" face that people make in scary movies when they still have the knife.

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Sean Gives kisses Tierra and gives her the rose in the dark, because that's where Sean gets things done.

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The whole night Sean has been wearing a puffy jacket underneath a blazer, sort of like a kid whose parents said, "if you want to wear a helmet and a cape to school, you can."

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--

I've always dreamed of being a prostitute that a rich guy took on a shopping spree.

Leslie H., the girl who is an actress who once played a poker dealer on the TV so now she lists that as her job, gets the final one-on-one date with Sean.

He sent her diamond earrings to wear on the date, and she's excited because she's never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend ever. Considering she's never been on a date with Sean, I'm worried she may be a little loose with that term.

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For the next 10 to 15 minutes, we are all forced to watch a boy take a girl to buy clothes, which is terrible in real life and it turns out is also really uninteresting on television as well.

It's Leslie H.'s dream date, because for some odd reason every girl loves the movie about a rich guy that pays a prostitute to have sex with him and then decides that he'd like to date her.

When we get to the dinner portion of the date, it becomes very apparent that he's going to dump her on national television, because they never play music during those dates so that they feel like, you know, an actual terrible date.

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I begin to understand that taking her on a shopping spree was sort of like playing with a dog all day and then taking it for a really long walk before you were going to take it behind the shed to shoot it.

Sean does not give Leslie H. the rose. He says he can't put his finger on it, but the connection is just not there.

I can put my finger on it: she's black.

Sean listens to sad songs because Sean is sad.

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He then drops a rose to dramatically signify that love is hard.

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I begin to worry for Leslie H., as I can only imagine that the imaginary poker dealer job market has dried up while she's been on the show.

---

A girl called Tierra "Tierra-ble", and I can't top that.

A few key takeaways from the rose ceremony:

- Everyone hates Tierra, the girl who is not here to make friends who suffers from Munchausen syndrome, and she is upset because she feels like people, "haven't liked her right out of the bat," which is not a saying.

- Catherine, the vegan who likes the beef, calls Tierra "Tierra-ble" and then kisses Sean in the dark, and becomes a "who saw that one coming" contender.

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ELIMINATED:

Leslie, the girl who said she was a poker dealer because she played one on TV once.

Amanda, the girl who broke her jaw who used to look angry in front of fireplaces.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Tierra, because she is fucking crazy.

Jackie, because she hasn't spoken for two episodes on a show that has aired four episodes.

Daniella, because she is the opposite of "not dumb"

FRONTRUNNERS:

Dez, because she is the best. THE BEST.

Selma, because she may or may not believe she's in a Disney film and Sean is about as interesting as Prince Eric.

AshLee, because adoption adoption adoption, adoption adoption. Adoption.

See you next week, everyone.

 

The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 3)

Episode 3: Let's set a world record for the most boring shit that's ever happened on television, ever. Screen-Shot-2013-01-22-at-11.36.08-PM

Where We Left Off

Last week, Sean continued to lower the self-esteem of 3 women who probably already had some self-esteem issues by eliminating them from the "try out to get married on television and hopefully don't publicly humiliate yourself" show, bringing the women-he-could-marry-on-TV total down to 16.

The girls who were declared "not the prettiest princess" were:

Katie, the yoga instructor who looked like the main character from the animated film Brave.

Diane, the single mom who stared at streams.

and one of the black girls, because you can't have more than three black girls on this show at once.

Sean had one-on-one dates with Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it) and really hammered home the fact that he was totally cool with her only having one arm (NO SERIOUSLY, HE'S TOTALLY OKAY WITH IT), and Dez, the bridal stylist who has never been bridal'd who's probably going to win. For most of the rest of the episode, Sean either blasted his pecs or played dress up with the girls. The in-house crazies are officially Tierra, the girl with a messed up forehead who isn't here to make friends and Amanda, the girl who looks angry in front of fireplaces.

This week, we've been promised that Tierra is going to fall down the stairs, people aren't going to have any idea what to do with their champagne glasses when they're kissing and that the girl with one arm is probably still only going to have one arm.

It's not mean if it's true.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of Sean blasting his pecs and staring off longingly into the distance, and I'm pretty sure this is the exact same shot from episode 2 and they're not even trying.

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The girls find out Leslie M., the girl who Sean sits in dark rooms with, is getting the first one-on-one date with Sean. Robyn, the black girl who's pretty much a white girl, tries to sound gangster and says that she wishes she had gotten the date card and that it had said, "let's ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real," which is about as believable as me walking into a room full of black dudes yelling, "SUP MOTHAFUCKAS."

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--

Let's set a world record at boring the shit out of people.

Sean says he has something really special planned for Leslie M. today on their one-on-one date, and by special he means "a date your girlfriend would dump you for in real life." They're off to The Guiness Book of World Records Museum.

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Leslie M. says that, "this date was soooo different than I expected!" Which is a girls way of saying "you've got to be fucking kidding me."

Sean takes a silly picture, because he's just a jokester, jokin' around.

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But whoOoOAhhH Sean reveals that his Dad set a world record for driving across the country the fastest/pretty much the most worthless achievement, ever, and that he was hoping that they could set a record of their own.

Sean then says, "I think it's safe to say that this date could go down in the record books," and oh I see what he did there.

It turns out that Sean and Leslie M. are here to set the record for the longest on-screen kiss ever, which is currently 3:16 seconds. I realize they are going to televise 3:16 of them kissing and commentating on this straight, and wonder if Sean knows enough words to talk about 3:16 of anything.

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In what seems to go on forever, they kiss for over 3:16.

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I wonder if at any time Sean was worried about getting a boner on national television, but then realize that he's not blasting his pecs so he's probably safe.

He says that the event is just about the two of them sharing a romantic moment, which is immediately followed by a shot of him grabbing her ass, romantically.

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They finish the kiss, and Leslie M. says that today is the best day of her life. To be clear: the best day of her life is breaking a Guinness World Record for the longest on screen kiss on a televised round robin marriage tournament with a guy who has previously lost one televised round robin marriage tournament before. I worry that the people on this show have really low standards, and then I realize I'm watching The Bachelor, Season 17.

They head to a hotel rooftop and talk about things that they have in common, like taking AP classes in high school which is usually the first question I ask on a date when I'm around the age of 30. Sean tells her that she's the only girl that he wants to set records with and she is excited and amazed that she is the only one. I'm not sure anyone has told Leslie M. that she lives with 16 other girls that Sean is interested in sleeping with yet.

Sean tries to eat her face, and both of them have no idea what to do with their champagne glasses while he does.

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He gives her the rose and tells her it's pretty rare to connect with someone this quickly. You know, because the last time he connected with someone that quickly was on a television show about 3 months ago.

Leslie M. says that the evening has been very magical in a good way, because apparently she's been on tons of dates that were magical in a bad way because she dates wizards with a dark past.

--

There's no crying in all-girls beach volleyball. Just kidding, that's all there is.

For the group date, Sean is going to take most of the girls out to the beach to play competitive beach volleyball against each other. The losing team will get kicked off the date, so we're pretty much guaranteed a lot of emotional instability.

AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), talks back at home about how glad she was that she didn't have to go on the group date because it looked like there was probably "activity" and considering she also does "having O.C.D." for a living, I begin to realize that AshLee and I have a lot in common (besides having stripper names and being adopted).

Before volleyball starts, Sean and the girls candidly run into the water giggling and holding hands and he does pushups while they sit on his back, because when you're a bro at the beach, you have gotta throw down some pushups for the babes.

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Kristy, the model who isn't attractive, looks like a girl that you'd see at Coachella that you'd have a strong dislike for.

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And Daniella checks out her boobs.

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Once the game begins, it becomes rather clear that the boob staring was foreshadowing, because she is not good at sports.

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To be fair, Dez tries to kick the ball, which is, in fact, not how you play volleyball.

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After the game, Kristy begins to cry because she can't believe how hard it is to lose beach volleyball when you're a model and it's no fair she's the pretty princess and gets whatever she wants.

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Not to be outdone on national TV, Leslie H. (the girl who is, in fact, not here for Sean) cries too. She feels like she's found all of the qualities of a husband on this show, like, "someone who is on TV."

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Sean sits down with Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on the first date, in the dark and says that she keeps surprising him because he didn't know she had this side, even though it's entirely unclear what side he's referring to, as she hasn't said or done anything.

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In the last episode, he didn't know she had a different side, so that's a total of two sides he didn't know she had now. I begin to imagine Sean looking at a pair of dice at a casino, mesmerized.

He then sits down with Dez and OH MY GOD SHE IS THE CUTEST. SHE IS THE CUTEST, GUYS.

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I realize that she's heading into that territory where a girl is so adorable that other girls find it to be too adorable, and that every girl in America will begin to hate her by default, the same way they hate Kiera Knightley because she talkkkksh through her teeeeesh.

Amanda and Dez, almost on cue, begin to hate each other for this exact reason.

Kacie, the girl whose job is "Ben's Season", notices this and decides to pull Sean aside to tell him, "I don't want to start drama, but Dez and Amanda are fighting and I don't like it." So, to be clear: she starts drama.

Sean calls Kacie a crazy person, and she begins to cry and make an incredibly awkward face while doing so.

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She says she's not supposed to cry this early, insinuating that she was pretty cool with doing so, just later.

---

Adopted adopted, adopted adopted adopted. Adopted. Adopted? Adopted.

AshLee, the girl who was adopted (and we are supposed to talk about it), is about to go on her one-on-one date with Sean, but then Tierra (the girl who's not here to make friends) falls down the stairs and goes boom.

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Sean arrives and starts a sentence by saying, "as a guy who has had several concussions," and that answers a lot. Just in general.

As the paramedics rush in, all I can think of is how hilarious it would be if Sarah (the girl with one arm) ran around maniacally screaming, "AHHH MY ARM! MY ARM!"

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I then, as usual, realize I'm the worst person in the world. To be fair, though, I realize it would be really funny, and I'm pretty sure that even Sarah would agree with that.

The paramedics try to put Tierra on a stretcher, but no one puts Tierra on the stretcher and she bitches them out until they let her go, mostly because she's a crazy bitch who was lying and is probably Glenn Close's niece.

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She gets time with Sean before he leaves for his date, and every girl in the house officially wants Tierra to die in a fire.

AshLee and Sean head off for their one on one date in a Jeep with the top off, and I know she's furious that the wind is ruining her hair, because all girls are furious when the wind ruins their hair.

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For their date, they are going to spend a day at Six Flags with the whole park to themselves, and Sean has invited two diseased children to spend it with them.

I won't say anything about this entire part of this episode, because I actually love that they did this and for a small moment believe that this show did a wonderful, genuine thing.

Thankfully, the date eventually turns back into just two grown-ups on a national televised date at a Six Flags, and I can be a terrible person once again.

They sit down to talk and AshLee begins to play the adopted card for about 1,378 minutes straight. While I get that (UGH, AGAIN) this is a wonderful story, I realize she's doing this entirely to put herself in "undumpable on television" holy ground and not for the right reasons (like Tierra would have had she been adopted).

Sean cries when she says "adopted" for the 2,408th time.

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He gives her the rose and they talk about how they're falling in love at a Six Flags, like we all dream of doing one day.

--

I'm running out of minorities and handicapped people to eliminate, so it's safe to say this shit's about to get real.

Back at the house for the rose ceremony, Tierra says to Sean, "We'll have a lifetime together!" Sean responds, "you never know!" and if I were him, I'd start checking pots for boiling rabbits.

Immediately following, Sean gets taken away by Dez and Tierra exclaims that she's ready to punch walls, because she, "gets what she wants." She then makes about a billion terrifying faces, though oddly this vacant one terrifies me the most.

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It really doesn't matter though, because no one is going to beat Amanda's resting bitch face. No one.

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As the roses are handed out, Kristy makes a face that validates anything I've ever said about her.

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And we realize that Amanda has no friends in the house, because someone would have tucked that tag in.

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ELIMINATED:

Kacie, the girl who hates drama who's dramatic whose job was "Ben's Season".

Kristy, the model who isn't attractive.

Taryn, because I thought she was like 48 (even though she turned out to be 30. Yikes.)

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Jackie, because honestly does anyone care about this girl?

Daniella, because she seems the opposite of "not dumb"

Leslie H., because she is a poker dealer actress who isn't here for the right reasons.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Dez, because she is the best. THE BEST.

Selma, because she may or may not believe she's in a Disney film and Sean is about as interesting as Prince Eric.

AshLee, because adoption adoption adoption, adoption adoption. Adoption.

--

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 66: Songs That Set The World Record For Being Good at Being Songs

 

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STREAM IT at this link.

DOWNLOAD ALL OF THE MP3′s at this link.

 

See you next week, everyone.

 

The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 2)

Episode 2: If you can't find your wife in a "dress slutty for a romance novel cover" contest, romance is dead. 1

Where We Left Off

Last week, a guy who lost the most recent "get married on television" tournament to a hipster whose name wasn't spelled right was introduced as this season's Bachelor. He was picked to be The Bachelor because he basically just works out and likes his family, which would seem like someone who's setting the bar pretty low/every girl's ex-boyfriend who she left for the guy she is currently dating with more ambition, but who are we to judge (besides the one's to judge).

He met 21 white people and 5 carefully selected not-white-people. He eliminated six people at the end of the episode by not giving them a rose, signifying they were not the prettiest of the princesses.

Lauren, the girl who threatened that her father would kill Sean within 3.6 seconds of meeting him.

The Token Black Girl Who Was Too Black For The Show, because she was the token black girl that was too black for the show.

Keriann, because she called herself an entrepreneur and no, Keriann. No.

Paige, the girl who has been on more televised round robin marriage tournaments than Sean in the last year, which is incredible because he's only been on one, which should be the limit like jury duty.

Kelly, the girl who was surprised she was eliminated after singing a song to a blind date about how they were about to fall in love.

And Ashley P, the girl who said she couldn't understand how she was still single after asking someone to strip her and spank her on a national television show about finding "the one".

Episode two is usually when:

1) Someone isn't here to make friends.

2) Someone hates competing for men that came on the "competing for men" show.

3) Someone reveals themselves as "the bat shit crazy girl".

Lucky for us, those boxes were checked. A lot.

Our first one-on-one dates of the season are with Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it) and Dez, the bridal stylist who hasn't been bridal'd yet.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of a Sean blasting his pecs while staring off longingly into the distance.

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Then Sean took a shower, and I get the feeling a lot of this season is going to be Sean blasting his pecs and showering.

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Sean tells us that, "if he had to guess, he could see himself getting down on one knee and proposing to his wife at the end of all of this," which is a pretty courageous guess, as he's on the "getting down on one knee and proposing to the girl you pick to be your wife" show.

The host of the show meets the girls back at the house and lets them know that if HE had to guess, HE could see Sean getting down on one knee and proposing to his wife at the end of all of this, and everyone is wondering if anyone has told them how the show they are hosting and starring in works yet.

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Sarah, the girl who has one arm (but we're not supposed to talk about it), gets the first invitation for a one-on-one date, and informs us that having only one arm makes her physically different, which...you know, yeah.

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I feel out maneuvered by ABC, because you simply cannot make fun of a person with a fucking physical handicap (no matter how terrible of a person you are, which I am). It's not funny. However, I pledge to myself to make fun of her as an equal to the other women on the show, and feel, in an odd moment, like a good person for being a bad person…equally.

Sarah says that, "just because she has one arm doesn't mean they're going to stop having fun," and I don't know what that means because why would only having one arm stop you from having fun? Don't answer that.

Sean comes in to pick her up in a helicopter, and everyone watching this show misses Kalon, and I become really sad that I can say that with a straight face and that I know how to reference things like that now.

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Randomly, they interview one of the girls and I realize that they put "Ben's Season" where they usually put people's professions, and I feel like that's not a profession.

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Sean goes to grab Sarah to take her on the helicopter and seems to make a point of grabbing her half-arm a lot while looking-ish at the camera, as though to say, "does everyone at home see that it's cool with me that she has one arm? I'm cool with it that she has one arm."

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Sean and Sarah fly away and Sarah says that this is probably the biggest dream of her life that's come true so far. Which means that one of her biggest dreams was to fly around Los Angeles in a helicopter with a guy who lost a reality television dating contest. So.

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Sarah says, "we're gonna start falling in love and it's amazing." While it's a creepy statement, she seems to be the only fucking person on the show who knows how the show works.

--

I want to make it very clear, guys, I'm really cool with the fact that she has one arm. Like, really cool.

They land on top of a building, and we learn that Sean and Sarah are going to jump off of it.

Oddly, all I can think about is, "wait, how do you tie a ponytail with one arm?" This question is simultaneously horrible and totally Google-able, all at once.

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The guy who is teaching them how to jump off of a building is wearing a rad Jurassic Park t-shirt that they blur out, and I think to myself, "I bet he's so pissed they blurred that rad t-shirt out." Because it's rad. I also think it's weird that I can identify a blurred out Jurassic Park logo.

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They jump off of the building and survive. Sarah says, "the only thing I thought i'd ever be scared of, jumping off the side of a building, I did today." I am amazed that if she were asked to write down the things that you are scared of, she'd write down "jumping off of the side of a building," drop the mic and walk away. Then again, this is the same girl who just said that the biggest dream of her life was to fly around Los Angeles in a helicopter. So. Maybe she's a bit hyperbolic.

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After surviving the one thing she was scared of, Sarah and Sean talk about how cool he is with her having one arm because they haven't beat that horse dead. He gives her a rose, and all of the sudden all of those shots with two armed girls from the end of this season that usually give away everything seem like decoys, because I think the girl with one arm has a shot. Probably not. But still. I'm trying, guys.

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Back at the house, we find out who's going on the group date and it becomes wildly apparent that everyone hates Tierra. As though on "second episode" cue, Tierra let's us know that she's not here to make friends, and we all wonder what the fuck is wrong with her forehead.

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I'm fairly certain she is a Republican.

--

The girls all dress slutty, Sean takes off his shirt, it's not Halloween though, etc.

The girls all jump in a limo and have fun with each other on their way to a group date with Sean.

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Tierra doesn't have fun, though, and neither does her forehead.

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The girls are going to meet Sean at a castle so that they can play dress up and compete to be on the cover of a trashy romance novel, because princesses love to be on the covers of slutty novels sold in grocery stores in Nebraska.

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Some seem more excited than others about this. (I'm looking mostly at you, model that's not attractive.)

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The rest of this plays out like you think it would: Sean takes his shirt off a bunch, catty girls talk endless shit about each other, Kristy (the model who isn't attractive) takes it way too seriously/wins, and the whole thing takes way too long.

Within this segment, Tierra somehow manages to let us know two more times that she's here for Sean and speaks about herself in the third person.

We're in Single White Female mode, and it's amazing.

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When dress up is over, it's time for the gang to drink and get their one-on-one time with Sean and compete to the death to get a rose.

The main takeaways from this part:

- Sean and Leslie go and sit in a dark room that is too dark to talk in on television. She says she's hopeful to fall in love, and Sean acts surprised and says, "You're hopeful? I'M HOPEFUL? YOU LIKE MILK? I LIKE MILK!"

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- Kacie, the girl who's job is "Ben's Season", asks Sean if he'd like to be more than friends. He pauses a really long time, the way you would if you do not, in fact, want to be more than friends with someone. I don't really care, I just think her forehead is very oily and I'd like her to use some product for that.

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- Catherine tells Sean she's a vegan but she "loves the beef", and somewhere her mother is proud of her.

- Tierra acts batshit crazy and tells him yet again that she's here for him, and at this point it's like someone going to the bar and telling their beer that they came here for it.

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- Katie, the yoga instructor who looks like the main character from the animated film Brave, decides that this competition is too hard and leaves the show. Considering her chances of winning, this would be like the backup quarterback going up to Tom Brady before the game and saying, "Hey man, you go ahead and start this game. I'm cool."

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brave_color_header

Kacie gets the rose, and then let's us know that "she's not going to quit because something's hard or uncomfortable."

2

That's what she said.

--

I'm gonna play a prank on you, because the last time I did that to a girl on national television she dumped me. What could possibly go wrong.

When Sean was on The Bachelorette, he pretended that he lived with his parents to scare Emily. It did scare her, and she dumped him.

To recreate this, Sean and his broham host Chris decide that he should play another prank on Dez, the bridal stylist who hasn't been bridal'd, by taking her to an art gallery and making her believe she's destroyed expensive art.

If that didn't sound interesting, that's because it wasn't and it was boring as shit.

Long story short, we watch two bros just acting like bros who can't believe they're totally gonna prank her, bro.

3

They totally get her, and surprisingly don't yell, "I TOTALLY GOT YOU, BRO. I TOTALLY GOT YOU!"

After that, they go back to his place to have dinner and Dez gets a rose, because she is the best and I like her.

4

I have Jef with One F flashbacks and feel like we might be watching the girl who's gonna win. She's like Zooey Deschanel if Zooey Deschanel was likable and attractive. So, not like Zooey Deschanel.

Sean says to her that he wants to marry his best friend, to which she says, "you wanna be my best friend?" in a happy little voice, and either every girl loves her or just fucking hates her right now. Just like Anne Hathaway.

--

I'm going to give you a rose to signify that I'd consider either dating you or 18 other women.

The lead up to the rose ceremony is always fun, because it's sort of like if someone filmed the desperate thirty minutes that lead up to closing time at a bar.

Key takeaways:

- Sean says he feels like he got to see another side of Lindsay, the girl who wore a wedding dress on a first date, which was probably the side that wasn't crazy and wearing a wedding dress on a first date. Who are we kidding, though. She is. I also just really wish she'd just go with "Teacher". Believe in yourself, Lindsay. Believe.

5

- Amanda, the girl who I said was normal in the first recap, is fucking crazy, it turns out.

6

- Tierra still isn't here to make friends.

- Robyn, the black girl who's pretty much a white girl, asks Sean if he would date a black girl.

7

He answers by saying that he has dated a Persian, a Mexican AND a black person, so TAKE THAT. I think to myself, "And now a girl with one arm, Sean. And now a girl with one arm."

- Leslie, the girl who Sean sits in dark rooms with, says that she feels like Amanda is playing games with Sean.

8

For the record, they are on a show that is, in fact, a game.

Sean eliminates Diana, the single mom who stares at streams, and tells her that he just didn't feel like it was right to keep her away from her girls if he didn't feel like he saw something long term between them.

Which is a nice way of saying, "The last time I was on a show where a woman had children from a previous marriage and I was trying to marry her, I was forced to lie and say that I was interested in becoming her child's Dad. That is not the case anymore, so let's cut the bullshit."

ELIMINATED:

Katie, the yoga instructor who looked like the main character from the animated film Brave.

Diane, the single mom who stares at streams.

One of the black girls that I'm not sure spoke during this episode, because you can't have more than three black girls on this show at once.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Kristy, because she is a model who is not attractive and doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities.

Taryn, because I think she's like 48.

Leslie, because she is a poker dealer and those usually don't go well with family values.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Dez, because she is the best.

Selma, because she may or may not believe she's in a Disney film and Sean is about as interesting as Prince Eric.

Kacie, because when your job is "Ben's Season" and you're getting roses, this show can't really be about trying to get to know people so why not.

See you next week, everyone.

 

The Bachelor, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta.

Welcome to Season 17 of The Bachelor on ABC, where people make the conscious decision to find love/get married on a television show by competing against 25 or more other people who hate them for a stranger that they do not know but may have seen on television before, which is healthy. In the 16 previous seasons, only one couple that formed on the show has actually gotten married. That couple was formed when the guy dumped the girl he picked on the show for the one he did not pick on the show, so basically every woman's feelings about male behavior actualized.

Alternatively, a show called "The Biggest Loser," in which fat people get "not fat" has produced five couples that actually fell in love.

If you're keeping score at home, and/or looking into finding your husband or wife on a television show: your best bet is to get morbidly obese and have people root for you to not be morbidly obese as opposed to going on the "I want to fall in love so desperately I'm willing to do it in a really desperate manner" show.

And that's exactly why it's more fun to watch the "I want to fall in love so desperately I'm willing to do it in a really desperate manner" show.

Our bachelor is Sean Lowe, the guy from Texas who lost on the last season of The Bachelorette who always yelled the name of the place he was in who also never wore sunglasses when he should have.

Here are the key takeaways from the intro portion of the premiere on what to expect from this season:

1) Sean is going to take his shirt off a lot. 2) The girls are for the most part emotionally unstable and they are going to cry a lot. 3) There will be black people on the show for more than one episode. (!!)

Two more quotes to note, and then we'll introduce our 26 contestants.

- On not winning Emily's hand on The Bachelorette: "God still has a plan for me." Which was apparently another televised round-robin marriage tournament, because we all know how much God loves reality television marriage tournaments when making plans for people, that rascal.

- When describing what it felt like to have his heart broken by Emily: "It just hit me. Like heartbreak."

I feel as though this season's episode recaps are going to write themselves. Like recaps.

-- Episode #1: Do you want to marry me? I'm probably batshit crazy with an unbelievable amount of baggage because I am on this television show.

Below are general recaps of Sean and the 26 women who are vying for the chance to join him in yelling the name of the place they're in for the rest of their lives.

Sean

The Bachelor: Sean Lowe

How He Was Introduced On The Show: Working out. Because Sean works out.

Chances of Winning: Not 100%, shockingly. The "batshit crazy" in the pool of ladies is pretty formidable this year.

Sean is very good looking and wears either a deep v or "not a shirt" at all times. He is very family oriented and loves God. Like, a lot. He was a pretty strong front-runner on the last season of The Bachelorette, but in a bizarro turn, the cheerleader picked the hipster (Jef with one F) instead of the jock. In a surprise twist that will forever compete with the ending of The Sixth Sense, the hipster turned out to be a super douchey emo guy (YOU FUCKING BROKE MY HEART, ONE F. YOU FUCKING BROKE ALL OF OUR HEARTS) whom she would later break up with, and I'm fairly certain Emily is going to watch every episode of this season of The Bachelor while eating 4,297 pints of ice cream lamenting her bad decision making skills. I don't have too many bad things to say about Sean, because he's probably a pretty nice guy who tells jokes that you feel obligated to laugh at even though they aren't funny because oh he means well.

Just as it works on The Bachelorette, Sean met each as they got out of a limo, one by one, because that’s how real life works when you are looking to get married.

Desiree

Name: Desiree

Occupation: Bridal Stylist

Chance of Winning: "I'm listening..." percent.

Desiree is a bridal stylist who's never been married, which sort of seems like a virgin who's a sex therapist. She's interesting because she seems pretty normal and sweet and I'd think girls would like her a lot. Then you hear her talk about the other girls and it's clear that she's a total two-faced bitch. In other words: she's got a shot.

Tierra

Name: Tierra

Occupation: Leasing Consultant / This season's absolute total crazy bitch.

Chance of Winning: Let's hope a billion percent because this girl is an exciting train wreck.

There is nothing more exciting than when you meet and know you've met "the crazy bitch" on shows like this. Tierra has a tattoo of an unfinished heart on her finger because she's waiting to find the man that completes it, because that's not a red flag for any man, ever. She states that she wants to have a family, because she's family oriented, and considering that Sean said that experiencing heartbreak felt like "heartbreak," I'm pretty sure these two are meant for each other. Tierra is given a rose by Sean straight out of the limo, which is an unprecedented move that makes every girl hate her immediately, which is really exciting. In the previews for this season, she at one point gets assaulted by another girl and ends up in a neck brace. I'm going to say this part again: her name is Tierra.

Robyn

Name: Robyn

Occupation: Oilfield Account Manager / Jesus, could you have a job title that screams "I'm from Texas" any louder

Chance of Winning: 1%, but only because she's from Texas and I could see that tricking Sean's Sean brain.

Robyn is part of The Bachelor's 2012 Affirmative Action program, as she is one of 4 (4!!) black people that the producers allowed on their "we're not being racist, this is just usually an only white people show" show. She is really into doing headstands and shit, and she tries to do a backflip after she gets out of the limo and falls on her face. It's awkward, not because she doesn't land a backflip getting out of a limo, but because she honestly thought her best shot at getting married on national television was doing a back flip and then introducing herself to someone as a grown up who does grown up things.

Diana

Name: Diana

Occupation: Hair Salon Owner / Token Single Mom

Chance of Winning: "Do you wanna be the family values guy who gets his cover blown, Sean? DO YOU?" percent.

Diana is essentially Emily from The Bachelorette before everyone hated Emily. She is the single mom that women will like because women like a single mom who's not a bitch that they can root for, it's practically science. This is a smart move by the producers: when a guy says he's family oriented over and over again, he'd look like a dick if he didn't pick a woman because she was so family oriented that she had some family oriented sex and made some family oriented babies that she wants him to family orientedly raise. Diana talks quietly and stands by streams and stares off into the distance in her montage, so you know she's a good person. Because good people whisper and stare longingly by streams.

Sarah

Name: Sarah

Occupation: Graphic Designer / HOLY SHIT, SHE ONLY HAS ONE ARM

Chance of Winning: "I want to make a joke about her but I can't" percent.

Sarah has one arm and was put on the show as a cruel joke because:

1) She won't win because look, she has one arm and if you went on a TV show to find a wife that's probably not going to be your selection. This isn't OkCupid where you're just a nice guy, looking to find a girl, whatever she's like, winkyface!

2) We cannot say anything mean about Sarah, even though I'm pretty sure I just did.

She made it through this round, but she won't make it much further. The evidence of this, as pointed out by my girlfriend:

"Well, in all of the end of the season shots in the preview, there are two arms. So."

Ashley P

Name: Ashley P

Occupation: Hair Stylist

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

Ashley's opening statement is that she cannot understand why she's still single. Immediately following this, she talks about her cat, how much she loves Fifty Shades of Grey and then says out loud on national television that she hopes Sean will strip her and spank her. At the mansion, she goes on to dance to like a stripper to music that doesn't play, falls over often and drinks too much. So, yeah. The reason she's single is fairly unclear. I miss her already.

Lesley

Name: Leslie

Occupation: Political Consultant

Chances of Winning: "I need more time with this one" percent.

Leslie is a political consultant in D.C. who seems like a smart person and I'm immediately pretty sure she's got a shot. She then goes on to say that there's a famous saying that you can take the girl out of Arkansas but you can't take the Arkansas out of the girl, and I'm fairly certain that there is not, in fact, a famous saying that says that and now do not believe she has a great shot. She then yells Sean's name out loud a bunch in the middle of D.C., the same way Sean used to aimlessly yell "EMILY" out loud in random cities and i'm pretty sure she's got a shot again. Then she gets out of the limo with a football, asks him to hike it to her and he bends over in her face for a while while she yells into his ass uncomfortably close, and now I do not believe she has a great shot again. I have a feeling it's going to be like this with Leslie for a while.

Kristy

Name: Kristy

Occupation: Ford Model

Chances of Winning: "Probably high, because she's a model and I've heard guys like models" percent.

Kristy is a model who is not that good looking, which is weird because I feel like that's the only part of the job that's super important. I'd say she had zero shot of winning, but she wore a cross in her picture so I'm sure she's gonna pull the bullshit "You love God? I LOVE GOD!" angle and stick around for a while. In her montage, she works out a ton and we all leave it knowing that she's having tons of porn star sex with her trainer because she got to where she was today studying modeling textbooks.

AshLee F

Name: AshLee

Occupation: Organizer / Having OCD

Chances of Winning: "I'm pretty sure she's going to win" percent.

AshLee is my front runner. While her job is simply a clever harnessing of a disorder and she spells her name like a stripper or someone who doesn't understand how to spell things, she's also really really ridiculously good looking. Throw in the fact that she's from Texas, has the "I was adopted" card and really loves God...it's like we're playing Sean bingo.

Jackie

Name: Jackie

Occupation: Cosmetics Consultant

Chances of Winning: "Probably not really" percent.

Jackie gets out of the limo, puts on lipstick and kisses Sean on the cheek to leave a mark in what's supposed to be an adorable flirtatious gesture. It just sort of comes off as a crazy girl pissing on a human fire hydrant. I really don't care that much about Jackie, and would love to know when we started calling someone who sells lipstick a consultant and/or why we don't call the people who work at McDonald's hamburger consultants, then.

Daniella

Name: Daniella

Occupation: Casting Consultant

Chances of Winning: "She's blond, so she's got that going for her" percent.

To make herself memorable, Danielle decides to get out of the limo and bro-five Sean in a really awkward moment where we realize Sean doesn't know how to do "down low" in the high five sequence. I'm not sure who lost more there, in terms of pride. I realize she is not, in fact, memorable as I write this sentence.

Kelly

Name: Kelly

Occupation: Cruise Ship Entertainer. Seriously.

Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED, which you probably knew right after you read "Cruise Ship Entertainer"

Kelly's move to get Sean to think she's a keeper is to sing a song about the two of them meeting, right when she meets him. As we all know, the best move on a blind date is to show up and sing a song about the person in a cabaret-like fashion. She cries after being eliminated and says, "who would want to date a girl who sings a song on The Bachelor and gets kicked off the first week" and we're all just really confused about whether or not it's a rhetorical question.

Katie

Name: Katie

Occupation: Yoga Instructor (yeeeeeah)

Chances of Winning: "Depends on how soon she plays the 'I'm Soooooo Flexible wink wink' card" percent.

Katie is a yoga instructor who isn't really attractive, is in no way Sean's type and isn't wearing shoes when she shows up. All of those things point to "she should lose." However, she's a yoga instructor, and in the back of every guy's mind when girls talk about yoga is the fact that yoga is a class in which a girl learns one mallion bagillion sexual positions. So.

Taryn

Name: Taryn

Occupation: Health Club Owner

Chances of Winning: "Eh, maybe" percent.

Taryn isn't very intersting and cries a lot in the first episode, and while we all love to watch girls cry on television, we don't because I'm kidding and it gets old fast. But, she likes working out (which I'm fairly certain is the only thing Sean knows how to do) and she's the "oh I never watch the show" contestant, and those ones always stay on for an unreasonably long amount of time. Then she becomes the girl who says "I hate competing for guys" on the "competing for guys" television show and yep, we're done.

Selma

Name: Selma

Occupation: Real Estate Developer

Chances of Winning: "She did a magic trick that involved her boobs, so anything goes" percent.

I don't remember much about Selma besides the fact that right after Jackie, the girl who pulled the "pissing on the fire hydrant" move went, Selma got out of the limo and pulled a napkin out of her boob and wiped the lipstick off of Sean's face. It was either a sort of slutty move or a neat magic trick, and I'm not sure any of us know which one it was yet.

Leslie

Name: Leslie

Occupation: Poker Dealer

Chances of Winning: "The odds of you winning anything in Vegas, ever (see what I did there?)" percent.

Leslie gets out of the limo and calls Sean a hunk, a word that hasn't been used since 1927. She then says, "holy toledo!" and you know what? I'm sold. She's got just about a 0% chance of winning but she said "hunk" and "holy toledo" and I'm sold.

Catherine

Name: Catherine

Occupation: Graphic Designer

Chances of Winning: "I don't remember her that well. So." percent.

Besides the fact that she's oddly the second contestant to call Sean a hunk, I couldn't remember much about Catherine, so I checked ABC's Bachelor website to read up on her, and this is what I found:

Q: What are the top 3 things on your bucket list, and why?

A: To eat traditional pasta in Italy, to go skiing in the Alps, and to ride an elephant in Thailand.

It just bothers me that she doesn't answer why, because she's probably going to lose and we may never know. We may never know.

Paige

Name: Paige

Occupation: Jumbotron Operator

Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED

Paige has now been kicked off The Bachelor Pad and The Bachelor without making it through an episode, which feels sort of like going back to high school when you're in your mid-twenties twice only to be told that it's still high school and everyone's still an asshole and doesn't like you. She's not a bad person, so no one feels good watching the puppy get kicked. She apparently operates a jumbotron so we can't really feel that bad for her. Isn't she sort of already the real winner?

Amanda

Name: Amanda

Occupation: Fit Model

Chances of Winning: "Aggressively high" percent.

Amanda gets out of the limo and tells Sean that they're going to have an awkward silence now to avoid ever having to have one later. They have an awkward silence and it's awkward. She's good looking and normal-ish so I don't care and hope she is in the final three because I am selfish.

Keriann

Name: Keriann

Occupation: EntrepreohhhI'veheardthisonebefore

Chances of Winning: ELIMINATED

Keriann is an entrepreneur. So, she's unemployed. She tells Sean that she's driven over 2700 miles to take a chance on him (because entrepreneurs take chances!), though i'm not sure that it's taking a chance really if you don't have a job and basically just took a road trip  on your free time because your free time is "always". Hopefully she'll make an app about being eliminated now.

Brooke

Name: Brooke

Occupation: Community Organizer

Chances of Winning: "Oh hell yeah, we got a real black chick on the show finally?" percent.

Brooke literally purrs in Sean's ear. I remember nothing else about her except for the fact that I was excited that a more ghetto-y chick got through the first round, because the fights that could happen, guys. The fights.

Ashley H

Name: Ashley H

Occupation: Model

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

This is the slutty black girl they put on the show to see if Sean would blink and eliminate, seemingly only because she was black. He did. Sadly, she probably cannot blink, because her face doesn't move.

Lauren

Name: Lauren

Occupation: Journalist

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED/"She threatened that her father would kill Sean within 1 minute of meeting him" percent.

Lauren is from an Italian family. She lets Sean know this, and then tells him that her father said that if he hurts her, he'd kill him, because they are in a relationship and this is how you talk to strangers that you've never met before. For some reason, Sean does not pick her.

Lindsay

Name: Lindsay

Occupation: Substitute Teacher

Chance of Winning: "She didn't get eliminated after wearing a wedding dress to a first date, so I'm at a loss" percent.

Lindsay got out of the limo wearing a wedding dress, because she's, "just a big goofball!" She then gets so hammered that she can barely talk throughout the night and cries about the fact that Sean might not get that it was all just a big "joke" because she's "such a goofball!" If a guy showed up to a first date with multiple photoshopped pictures of him with the girl he was meeting for the first time and he told her it was just because he was just a "big goofball," I'm pretty sure someone would call the police. Sean doesn't eliminate her, because I give up.

Kacie

Name: Kacie

Occupation: Administrative Assistant

Chance of Winning: "Probably" percent.

Kacie is revealed as the "mystery" contestant and was apparently on Ben's season and almost won. The girls think it is unfair that she is getting a second chance at the "I'm the prettiest princess" contest because they are, in their eyes, the prettiest princess and if she already wore the tiara she doesn't get to wear it again. I have a feeling she gets close to winning, because girls hate her and that's what this show is all about at the end of the day: girls hating other girls for petty reasons.

--

And that's where we're at. From here on out I'll review scene by scene like the last season of The Bachelorette.

It's a hard job reviewing sub-par television that makes you feel like you're wasting your life away with every second that it's on the screen.

To be fair, no one has to do it. But, let's be real.

This shit is a fantastic train wreck.

See you all next week.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (The Finale)

Episode 11: Let's spell my name incorrectly for the rest of our lives. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to the final 2 dude-bros. The guy who lost Cotillion last week was:

Sean, the guy who always yelled the name of the place he was in who also never wore sunglasses when he should have.

Emily and the guys travelled to Curaçao, an incredibly hard-to-spell island where she went on a date with each dude-bro to decide which one of them wasn't worthy of being one of the final two guys in a round robin television marriage tournament. When all was said and done, Emily didn't pick Sean and cried about it a lot, because eliminating people on The Bachelorette is hard and you wouldn't understand what it's like to travel the world for free to select an attractive person to sleep with.

This week, we're finally going to find out who's second husband/third engagement step-dad material: Arie The Wet Blanket or Jef with one F. What better way to decide this than for the two guys to separately meet Emily's parents so that they can decide which man from the TV is the best choice for their daughter's future. Previews indicate that Emily cries all the time, and in between crying she cries about crying.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with an emasculating shot of two guys watching the finale live with 4,208 women in a studio audience. Apparently, one of the guys won The Bachelorette a few years ago, so he's got an excuse. I think to myself, "Man, what a douchebag," and then hit the play button again on my DVR'd copy of The Bachelorette, the show I programmed a season pass for.

Emily is having a tough time deciding between the final two dude-bros in Curaçao. To signify just how tough of a time, she looks down.

And then she looks up.

Emily's daughter Ricki runs around wearing a fanny pack, and the questions about whether or not Ricki's a tad special are only getting more and more neon.

I again realize I'm probably going to hell for writing shit like that, but still feel like the joke was worth it.

It's time for the dude-bros to meet Emily's family, because she wants to make sure that if she gets engaged this time around, it's for real.

Good thing she came on a television show to find love for the second time and learned her lesson from the first time she came on a television show to find love and it didn't work out.

--

I'm probably your future son-in-law, let's bro-shake on it, brosef.

Emily waits for Jef with one F to show up to meet her parents and plays with her hair, because it's been a while since she's done that.

Jef with one F arrives to meet Emily's family wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt. If Drew with one W showed up to meet my girlfriend's family in this outfit, she would punch me in the face.

We learn that Emily has a brother named Ernie who can only speak out of the side of his mouth.

Emily's mother has had enough plastic surgery done for all the women in the land. If her and Arie's mom got together, it'd be a staring contest on accident, if only because they are both physically unable to blink.

One F tells Emily's mom that it's stupid to say, but Emily completes everything about him. He shows us in complex hand gestures again, just in case we didn't get it.

Emily's mom says that Jef with one F is everything that Emily has been looking for...again, and in no way seems to find that statement to be a red flag. Maybe she got plastic surgery on "thinking."

The family sits down for lunch, and Ernie eats because no one told him that you aren't allowed to eat on The Bachelorette, ever. The fiance clearly knew, but it was too late.

Jef with one F seems to convince Ernie that his intentions are pure for Emily, and he's so confident that he give hims a bro-shake.

But the bro-shaking doesn't stop there. After One F goes two for two and impresses Poppa Pretty Pretty Princess as well, he goes in for round two. Because if One F is going to be Emily's second husband? We're all going to be bro's, bro.

Ernie says out of the side of his mouth, and only the side of his mouth, that he didn't think Emily would find love "this way," which is a polite way of saying "I didn't think my sister would find a nice guy on a fucking television show."

That makes two of us, Ernie.

Before taking off for the day, One F says he's an old fashioned kinda guy about love. You know, because he's on a television show where 25 guys take a swipe at trying to marry a widow who is reeling from a previous failed television engagement.  If that isn't old fashioned, I don't know what is.

---

Hi, I'm Arie the wet blanket. I'm just the worst. 

Arie arrives for his date wearing a shirt with tons of buttons, and I wonder how long he stood in front of the mirror and thought, "One button or two?"

Emily lets him know that her father and brother have been fishing all day. Arie then tells her entire hick family that he's "not that into fishing," which sort of seems like walking into a Catholic church and telling everyone you're just not that into Jesus.

To symbolize how much he loves Emily, he gives the family a box full of the inconsequential roses he's been awarded by their daughter on a television show. You know, like going to your high school girlfriend's house the day after prom and giving her family your boutonnière.

He meets everyone and they all like-ish him, and as he leaves he kisses Emily's mother like you kissed a girl for the first time in the sixth grade.

As he says goodbye, he winks at Emily as though to say, "hey girl, you take your time making your decision on national television about whether or not you love me, no pressure."

Emily goes back in the room and asks her family which guy she should choose. They say either one is great, kind of like when you ask your girlfriend where they want to go to dinner and they say, "wherever, I don't really care." She gets angry that her family isn't going to make the decision for her, because Emily is a pretty pretty princess and the pretty pretty princess doesn't want to decide who she has to marry STOMPS FEET RUNS OUT OF ROOM.

They blur the license plate of the Chevy Tahoe they leave the hotel in, just in case any of us are going to fly to Curaçao and steal that Tahoe retroactively.

--

My One F is the only F you'll ever need again for the rest of your life. 

Before his final date with Emily, Jef with one F tells us that he feels complete with Emily, but doesn't use hand gestures this time.

They sit on a blanket and talk about how they both won't know if this is truly the television love of their life until One F meets Little Ricki. Emily decides that it's time, and they leave the blanket on the beach behind, even though Jef leaves no African behind.

Before they meet Ricki, they stare at her through the hotel door blinds.

Somewhere, our old friend Sleeping with the Enemy is watching this episode, smiling and saying condescending things to anyone within a five foot radius.

He meets Ricki and plays with her in the pool, and of course, Jef with One F is the most charming man in the world.

At least one million women will have sex with their husband or boyfriend tonight imagining Jef with One F, after which they will imagine having an estranged daughter just so that they could run away with the two of them.

Later on in the evening, they have dinner and Emily plays with her hair an outrageous amount, but for once I can't make fun of them because they're both really into each other and it's starting to actually sound and look like what it sounds and looks like when two people tell each other that they like each other.

She leaves, and One F says it's the hardest goodbye he's ever had to say. To signify this, we see him standing solemnly in the rain as lightning strikes.

--

Thanks for sticking around Curaçao! I find you so invaluable that I'm not even going to go on a date with you and that will probably cause psychological damage for the rest of your wet blanket life!

Before her date with Arie, Emily has already decided to pick Jef with one F. So, he's got that going for him.

She lets us know that she's going to tell Arie that as much as she loves him, she loves someone else a little bit more. So, he's got that going for him, too.

Even so, Arie gets to go to a location to meet a woman who is going to help him make a love potion, even though he has zero idea he's about to get dumped from a faux-relationship on national television, both of which are in no way embarrassing.

They show Arie telling us how he's going to marry Emily over and over again, and I remember that the woman producing this show is one of Arie's ex-girlfriends, so I'm sure this horrific, vindictive editing is in no way purposeful.

Emily shows up and dumps Arie in angelic lighting, doing that weird "touch my eyes with only two fingers" thing every girl does when they cry, and the wet blanket dries up dramatically fast.

Back in the studio, tons of sad, middle-aged women are sad and middle-aged, tragically grief stricken by a man's departure from a reality television show.

--

Before we get married without having slept with each other or mutually saying I love you or thinking about the fact that this is probably a horrible idea, there are some decisions to be made that are obviously more important.

Emily patiently awaits her princess engagement to One F and hangs out with Ricki, who draws words in sand on the beach just like her mother, the only difference being that she's six year old and that's what six year olds do.

Then they both write in their pretty pretty princess journals.

Meanwhile, Jef looks over a selection of a few one billion trillion dollar wedding rings and selects his favorite two billion trillion dollar one. Apparently, the non-profit African water business is good.

Then he walks on the beach thinking in colored khakis, because they're so hot right now.

Then, in a moment that blows my mind, the entire show culminates in Jef with one F  meeting up with Emily in an alleyway in Curaçao. Again. He proposes in a fucking alleyway. 

He proposes, and Emily says yes immediately after she just said that no matter what, she definitely wouldn't say yes, because Emily doesn't  make snap judgments.

And with that, One F, Emily and Ricki walk off into the sunset to fulfill their happily ever after.

Hopefully in a hip, up-and-coming village in Africa that has artisan drip coffee.

ELIMINATED:

Arie, the guy who did the thing her dead husband did who was also the wettest of the wet blankets.

THE COTILLION WINNER:

Jef with one F, the little misspelled hipster that could.

I would write about the "After the Rose" ceremony, but it wasn't interesting enough and all you need to know is that Arie is still a huge wet blanket and flew to North Carolina after he lost to leave his journal on Emily's doorstep. Unreal. Anyway.

I'd like to thank everyone for reading these recaps.

It started out as a random thing I wanted to do just to pass the time and turned into something I got way too emotionally invested in.

To be clear, I have no idea if I'm talking about Jef with one F or the recaps in that last sentence.

Maybe I'll do this again when The Bachelor rolls around, but I'm still a little undecided because it takes a surprising amount of time to make fun of these people.

Honestly, though: the comments and emails you've sent along have been hilarious and fantastic. It's been really fun losing my dignity with all of you, even though i'm not sure I had any to begin with.

Until next time, everyone.

Drew with one W, out.

 

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (The Men Tell All Episode)

This week on The Bachelorette, the men were to allegedly "tell all."

That apparently meant that about 21 dude bros who got dumped on national television would tell you what you probably assumed: that they were bummed they got dumped on national television, and that they, "wouldn't have done it any differently" because that's what everyone says when they probably should have done it differently.

It was a terrible two hours of my life that I'd like back. Because I'm logical, I will instead waste a few more writing about what happened in it.

If watching The Bachelorette is like being desperate, going to a bar, getting drunk and finding the first possible person to sleep with without thinking about it, the "Men Tell All" episode is the person you wake up next to in the morning.

Here's what you missed.

Michael, the professional ex-alcoholic who wore his hair like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai way too often, didn't wear his hair like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai at the tell all to say to Emily, "Hey girl, I've changed."

Everyone still hates Kalon. Who saw that coming. 

In his first appearance since being kicked off the show for logically saying what everyone else was thinking (that Emily's daughter was baggage) but didn't say because they were trying to get laid by a hot blonde girl, a bunch of angry older women in the audience booed every time he came up. He apologizes to Emily, who doesn't accept his apology because she totally saw on Twitter that Kalon posted a picture at an airport baggage claim and said "I wonder if Emily's here" and wait, that's really funny. Good for you, Kalon. That's funny.

The host of the show tells Kalon he's a bad person, because he came on to the round robin marriage tournament show with the wrong intentions. To be clear, the host is a guy who is divorcing his wife, has been rumored to be hooking up with Emily, and is the host of a round-robin marriage tournament show. He should probably be judging people.

Everyone else takes turns telling him how bad of a guy he is, including the two dudes who used their child as bait on a national television show to get laid.

I miss Kalon's shallow heart.

Ryan, the guy who may or may not have starred in Sleeping With The Enemy, is hitting the fake tanner really hard. 

I mean, like, "Ashton Kutcher putting on brownface to be in an incredibly racially insensitive Pop Chips commercial" hard.

Beyond that, we're simply reminded that he was one of the only people on the show that any of us enjoyed watching, and he charms the pants off of every desperate housewife in the audience. Emily and him flirt for a bit, and we're all pretty sure that no matter who Emily picks in the end, they're going to get cheated on by Emily with this man. I can't wait.

The guy who came to the tell all with his girlfriend is probably pretty bummed that he is featured as "the only guy in the audience at a tell all for the show named 'The Bachelorette'" for a majority of the show.

I feel sorry for that guy. Next thing you know, he'll probably write 2,500 word write-ups about the show.

How embarrassing.

Travis, the guy who brought an ostrich egg on a national television show to symbolize love, apparently made Emily sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to the egg but they cut that scene because they hate us. Read that back, I'll give you a minute.

The only way you could kill your chances of getting laid any faster would be tattooing "I have herpes" on your forehead. Or, you know, bringing an ostrich egg on a national television show to symbolize love.

Chris, the guy who looked like Gerard Butler, is angry at everyone and is so heartbroken that he is sleeping with every person who also used to be on The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Gerard spends the majority of the episode being really angry at everyone and telling them how mature he is. Sleeping with the Enemy spends a great deal of time making fun of Gerard, and we all wish he was making Emily not feel safe at night on the television show still.

We find out that Gerard will be on the show The Bachelor Pad, a spinoff show where people who lost the other round robin marriage tournaments live together to have casual sex and win money, because they figured now that they lost most of their dignity they may as well throw away whatever was left of it.

Obviously, I paused the episode to program a season pass to it on my DVR immediately.

The preview indicates that Gerard sleeps with at least three people on the show, because he's devastated about Emily, and everyone else just spends the rest of the time blasting their bi's and tri's.

Also? Gerard got a helicopter ride, too. Take that, Sean and Emily.

The guy who was heartbroken about leaving his child to go on national television and left the show because of it left his child to go on national television again on The Bachelor Pad. 

Because if you can't follow through with psychologically damaging your child the first go-round, try, try again.

Every woman in the world wants to sleep with Sean. 

Including Emily still. That must be comforting for whoever wins the show.

Doug has a full back tattoo.

And when he looks at it? Oh, he knows he made the right choice.

And finally…

Emily reveals in the credits that she is a cat lady who hates chihuahuas.

Fuck you, Emily. From the bottom of my hetero "I am the emergency contact for my girlfriend's chihuahua" heart.

Fuck you.

I miss Jef with one F's hair.

The finale is on Sunday. I'm sorry this recap was terrible, it's the best I could do.

See you next week.

 

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 63: I am the emergency contact for a chihuahua.

Stream the whole thing right here.

Or.

Download the whole thing right here.

 

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 9)

Episode 9: I'm scared of swimming with dolphins. Does that seem like someone you'd be interested in spending the rest of your life with?

Where We Left Off

We're down to 3 dude-bros. The guy who lost Cotillion last week was:

Gerard Butler, the guy whose family was Polish on a scale of one to Polish.

Emily travelled to the guys hometowns and judged the shit out of their families and decided whether or not they were going to inherit enough money when their parents died for her to get a decent settlement when she Katie Holmes Cruise's them. After his "closer" move was an intense Polish dance party, Emily decided that maybe Gerard Butler wasn't second marriage/third engagement step-dad material.

This week, the final three dude-bro's are off to Curaçao with Emily, an incredibly hard-to-spell island where she can finally decide who she met on television that she'd like to marry. Previews indicate that Arie needs to get a better oil-controlling facial product, dolphins gon' swim, and that Curaçao is basically one amazing Instagram shot that no one is going to capitalize on.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of what appears to be stock footage of an American Airlines plane landing somewhere that may or may not be Curaçao, because the airline probably spent the last of it's government bailout money simply acquiring the right to sponsor the show and couldn't actually afford to fly a plane there this year.

Emily wants to walk near the water, but does not want to touch the water, while she describes the reasons she likes the remaining dude-bro's.

She likes Sean because he's a, "football playin' muscular guy who's also, like, really sensitive and thinks," which for her is, "like, the best of both worlds!" To show how interesting he is, we see a shot of him yelling the name of the city he's in when he's in a city and then we're reminded that he can throw a log, which are both huge qualities you look for in a husband.

She likes Jef with one F because he's his own person. To signify this, we see him sliding down a slide backwards, whoaAaAhhh!

She then says that he marches to his own drum. Not the beat of his own drum. Just his own drum.

They show a shot of them on a beach in a previous episode, and I'm flabbergasted that I didn't make fun of this blanket.

She likes Arie because he's so sweet. We see a shot of Arie's crotch during this sentiment, which seems like odd editing.

She says, "I could say a million things about Arie," but then she doesn't, because we all know that Emily doesn't know a million things and/or words.

Emily draws her name in the sand with a plus sign and a question mark, because she is an adult and that's what adults do when they don't know which boy to pick when they're marrying one on national television.

The ocean washes away the sand, leaving only her name, which is a complex metaphor that will haunt us all forever.

--

The Sean Date: I didn't know how long I'd be here, so I bought every deep v in every store, ever. 

Sean meets Emily on a beach wearing the deepest of the deep v's and colored khakis, because colored khakis are so hot right now. He's also wearing Tom's to say to Jef with one F, "you're not the only one saving Africa, broham."

They take a helicopter to their own remote island for the day to have some boring conversation. On their way over, they talk to each other over their helicopter headphones and it s_nds lke thssss so I'm glad they televised it.

They get to the island, and Sean says he took her there because he wanted it just to be him and her, that finally they're all alone. Because you're definitely all alone with a gigantic camera crew on a small, remote island.

Sean. Buy a pair of fucking sunglasses.

Sean spends a lot of time talking about his ex girlfriend, which is the number one thing you want to do on a deserted island with a woman who wants to sleep with you.

Emily plays with her hair, because it's been two minutes since she has.

He has trouble pulling the trigger on saying I love you, so instead he asks her if she wants to go snorkeling, which seems like a pretty good compromise.

At this point, I wonder if they had to pee on the island and where they would do that, since it seems like they've been there all day. I presume they probably just went in the ocean. Probably now.

For the evening date, Sean changes into a new extreme low cut v.

Sean wrote Emily's daughter Ricki a letter, because it's a nice, passive aggressive way to say I love you to Emily in a gigantic half-assed way. He has the handwriting of a teenage girl.

It has a lot of words in it that would probably overwhelm a six year old girl, because six year old girls probably can't grasp everlasting television love yet.

He finally tells her that he loves her with his big boy words. They make out, and Sean has no idea what to do with his wine glass.

They receive a letter from producers that says they can stay the night together in the "fantasy suite." If you asked a woman in real life to come stay in a "fantasy suite" with you, her name would be Mercedes or Candy and she would most likely be a stripper.

They decide to at least go in the hot tub in the fantasy suite, even though her name is just Emily.

The only thing that comes out of their time there is the realization that Sean definitely didn't apply suntan lotion, because he's irresponsible but we already knew that because he doesn't bring sunglasses anywhere.

She then sends him home for the evening, because she has morals and doesn't want her daughter to think any less of her. Good thing she didn't go on a television show to find a father for her.

--

The Jef with one F Date: Let's bridle these passions as two very small people should. 

For their date, Jef with one F and Emily go on a boat with a ton of wind, which essentially makes it impossible to hear anything they say. I'm pretty sure the people running The Bachelorette are first year film school students at Full Sail.

One F's hair looks glorious blowing in the wind.

He says he called his parents, who are skeptical of this whole thing but now they're totally into it. I'm assuming his parents are Joseph Smith and/or Brigham Young.

Jef with one F explains that, at the start of things, his relationship with Emily was like an unfinished painting, but that now it was turning into a masterpiece.

He explains this in intense hand gestures, in case we didn't understand his complex metaphor.

He's not done with the metaphors. He tells us that even though the sun is setting in Curaçao, his relationship with Emily is, just in fact, rising and starting.

My man crush on One F is a becoming a slow, setting sun. If he was here, I would explain it for him in complex hand gestures.

For the second week in a row, they show a commercial for a bottled water that isn't Jef with one F's, and I'm starting to wonder if ABC hates Africa.

They have a romantic dinner and Jef with one F basically says all the right things, because that's what a guy who spells his name with only one F does.

When she asks him if he'd like to go to the fantasy suite, he says they shouldn't rush things, because he plans on spending the rest of their lives in their own little fantasy suite, and Jesus, did he honestly just say that?

One F then says that right now is the time for them to bridle these passions, because people often just say shit like, "bridle these passions" in passing conversation, because this is a Jane Austen novel.

They go to the fantasy suite anyway, and make out as two very tiny people on a gigantic chair.

--

The Arie Date: Who the fuck is afraid of dolphins?

Arie kicks off the date in classic wet blanket mode, letting us know that he's loved Emily since their first date followed by eating her face.

They go swimming with dolphins, and Emily says that because he can swim with dolphins he'd be a great dad. What?

Emily let's us know that she's afraid of swimming with dolphins. Who's afraid of swimming with dolphins? That's like being afraid of rainbows.

Before we go to dinner, a dolphin says, "SUP MOTHERFUCKERS??"

We come back from commercial break to an amazing Instagram shot that I'm angry no one took, because it would have one billion likes and that's all that matters in life.

At dinner, Arie winks at Emily, and we all vomit and/or wonder if people still do shit like that.

Arie has a maniacal look on his face, and I wish he'd buy some astringent or maybe just think about excusing himself to wipe the sweat off of his face.

She asks about what he's like back home in Arizona, and Arie says he doesn't ever like to be alone. Who saw that one coming.

Unlike the other guys, she doesn't even offer the fantasy suite card to Arie. When he watches this episode if he wins, it will absolutely be their first fight.

Arie: "So. Wait. You gave the other two dudes the chance to sleep with you?"

Emily: "Yeah babe, but I love YOU. Boop!"

(Four hours later, when Arie wakes Emily up in bed.)

Arie: "Babe. are you up?"

Emily: "Arie, what time is it…"

Arie: "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE THE OTHER GUYS THE FANTASY SUITE CARD?"

We go to commercial break and see that Kalon is going to be in the show Bachelor Pad, and I long for the good old days where we weren't bored to shit by every episode and people were terrible.

--

The Rose Ceremony: At least I dumped you in Curaçao?

When deciding who to eliminate this week, Emily says it's tough because she wants to just end up with one person, and I'm not sure anyone has explained the show and/or how dating works to her yet.

Each guy got a chance to make a video telling her how much they love her.

Sean yells, "EMILYYY!" in his, because he hasn't done that yet this episode.

Jef with one F says that he wants to see 1,000 sunsets with her, because he's running out of Mr. Charmingpants things to say.

Arie probably says some wet blanket shit, but I don't really remember.

Arie is wearing the exact same thing as the host of the show, which must be sort of embarrassing, sort of like being on this television show, and/or watching it every week and writing about it.

She picks Arie and Jef with one F, and Sean makes everyone feel genuinely sorry for him because he was probably the only one it would have worked out with, for whatever that's worth.

I go to bed realizing I've written over 23,000 words about a show called The Bachelorette.

ELIMINATED:

Sean, the guy who always yelled the name of the place he was in who also never wore sunglasses when he should have.

FRONTRUNNER:

Arie, because Jef with one F is the next bachelor and why wouldn't she pick the guy who she's doomed with?

Next week is the show where they all talk shit in a studio, so I'm not writing that one up. I'll be back for the finale.

See you then.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 8)

Episode 8: I'd love to meet your family, judge the shit out of you based on them and then dump you if I didn't like them. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to 4 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

Doug, the guy who was probably gay.

and Wolf, because Gerard Butler totally bro-fouled him and it turns out his nickname is just "Wolf" because his last name is Wolfner, so who cares about him anyway.

Emily and the guys travelled to Prague, where Emily and Jef with one F played with dolls and Arie came clean about previously doing one of Emily's friends. Main takeaways from the episode were:

Doug, the guy who I presumed was using his child as bait to get laid before I realized he's probably gay, is probably gay and was eliminated accordingly.

Chris, the guy who looks like Gerard Butler, is emotionally unstable and is not handling Emily dating other guys well, because he came on a show where the girl you date dates everyone else that you know. Like, it's in a legally signed contract that she has to do so. So who saw that coming.

- Jef with one F, the guy who saves all of the African children yet can't spell his name correctly, is sneakily hipster-charming the pants off of a sorority girl from the south. It's like watching an elephant and a snow leopard fall in love. Wildly fascinating.

This week it's time for hometowns, where Emily visits each dude-bro where they grew up, meets his family, judges them and decides on three out of the four that she'd like to marry the most after knowing them on television for three months. Previews indicate that Arie the wet blanket is, in fact, a race car driver, and that Jef with one F is doing really well in the water for African's non-profit sector.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of Emily seeing her daughter Ricki after being away on 4,298 vacations for the past ever. She holds her on the stairs and I'm terrified she's going to drop her, and I'm wondering if I can call child services but then realize that I'd have to start the conversation with, "Hey, I'm watching a television show about a woman who wants to get married so she is going to have a round robin tournament squaring off 25 men against each other, and she's holding her daughter on the stairs and…hello? Are you still there?"

Ricki's got sweet braids that she probably hasn't taken out since Bermuda, and I just hope she's washing her hair.

I then realize I'm posting pictures of a child on the internet and criticizing her, and I worry about whether or not I am a good person, until I swiftly realize that: I'm not, it's okay, that's funny.

We then get a rundown of why she's excited to see each of the remaining four dude-bros.

She's excited to see Gerard Butler because they had a killer connection. This is signified by the time that, when he did not know her at all, he brought her a true-to-life bobble head doll of her, which is what you do when you don't know someone but want to form a killer connection with them and/or get arrested.

She's excited to see Jef with one F because he has an edge to him and she likes that. To signify his edge, we see him playing with dolls.

She's exicited to see Arie because he, too, has a bad boy edge. To signify this, we see him gently touch her knee effeminately.

And of course, she's excited to see Sean because she cares about him a lot. To signify this, we see her stroke his biceps a few times.

Before she goes to bed, she looks through the blinds, and I just assume it's to see if Ryan, the previously eliminated guy who probably hides in bushes and acts like Mark Whalberg in the film Fear, was hiding in the bushes. A fear she will probably now understandably live with for the rest of her life.

--

Hometown #1: Gerard Butler is from Chicago, and he really wants you to know he's Polish. 

In Chicago, Emily sneaks up on Gerard Butler and they giggle like giggle monsters. He says, "don't scare me like that!" in a really effeminate way, and I wonder how he handled the Goosebumps book series as a child.

When asked to describe his family, Gerard Butler says that on a scale of one to Polish, they're Polish, as opposed to an 8, or say an 8.5.

Emily talks about how Gerard knows all the cool places to take her, and immediately after her statement they go to a log cabin polish restaurant that looks like it's going out of business in a week.

Before they go to meet his family back at his house, he tells her that his mom is overly emotional. Emily says "I love that!" and absolutely zero people in the world are surprised.

We go to commercial break, and there is an Applebee's commercial with a black chef casually hanging out on a farm, and I want to be in the room that cast and conceived this commercial so very much.

Ad Guy: "Americans want to see black people. But not doing black people things. They want to see black people doing white people things. I'VE GOT IT: black guy holding a tomato in a farm, in his chef's outfit…wait for it…talking about APPLEBEE'S. Boom. See you in Cannes, motherfuckers."

Moving on.

We get to the house and meet Gerard's family, including his father who has a thick Polish accent and sounds like he could be a terrorist in any 1980's Bruce Willis film, but only a sequel.

Emily casually plays with her hair at the dinner table, because she's not a blonde cliche.

Gerard's father asks Emily if he can speak with her and oddly takes her into a basement, where he's either going to talk about his son's feelings or ask her if she's ever done any adult film acting before.

Emily asks Gerard's father if he thinks Gerard is ready to take care of her six year old daughter. The terrorist says "he'll do his best" which is, no doubt, reassuring.

Emily then sits with his sister, who has that look on her face that says, "Fuck you, you pretty bitch. Why should you get a television show? I am just as good looking."

Throughout all of the talks, there is a lot of soft guitar music. Because in people's hometowns? It's all about soft guitar music.

At the end of dinner, Gerard tells her that he is in love with her. He says that the kiss they shared after is a completeness, which is signified by his interlocked fingers.

They go back inside for a surprise Polish party, because you can't say that on a scale of one to Polish, your family is Polish without a strong Polish party follow through.

--

Hometown #2: My name is Jef with one F, and let me tell you, the African child water business is doing well. 

Before we get to Jef with one F's segment, I immediately research the city he grew up in. The internet tells me that St. George, Utah is the second most expensive place to live in Utah behind Park City, so it looks like those African children one F's been helping are in luck.

As we drive up, Jef with one F casually mentions that his family owns a ranch that sprawls a few hundred acres. NBD.

Going around the "few hundred acre" property, the whole vague career path of "entrepreneur" becomes a bit more clear, because it's easier to start a global non-profit charity when you are made of one billion trillion dollars.

At this point, Jef with one F immediately proves why he's not to be fucked with in this competition, as he reads situations well and goes total white trash on Emily by first going extreme dune buggie driving…

…followed by a light skeet shooting session with shotguns, all while still casually wearing skinny jeans with perfectly coifed hair.

Jef with one F then drops a "Nailed It!" a la San Franciso Giants Closer Brian Wilson and I don't really care if he wins anymore, I just want to know if he wants to hang out this weekend.

When they begin to discuss his family, we start to tee up the inevitable Mormon jokes that we were all just waiting to make. He mentions about 14 brothers and sisters on the premises that they'll meet, yet his parents couldn't make it because they're at a "charity thing" in South Carolina, which means they're doing crazy Mormon shit.

As we walk up to the people we were promised, it's starting to look more and more "Children of God" by the minute. One of the daughters takes this time to get real weird for the camera.

We go to commercial break, and right before they come back there is a bottled water commercial that isn't Jef's bottled water. Somewhere, an African child is crying and not receiving a bottle of water.

We are formally introduced at lunch to "Brother Steve", who has a real creepy cult leader look to him.

Again, as if I'm willing it to happen, he asks everyone to drink the lemonade he's poured them. If Emily wakes up next to chanting people with candles in a barn, no one would be shocked.

Emily then sits down with Jef's "sisters." One "sister" isn't blonde, and I think we all know that she is probably getting murdered for breaking the rules immediately following this talk with "Brother Steve."

Back at the picnic tables, One F gets a little handsy. He's a bad boy, ladies. That's what you gotta be when you're livin' on the one F edge.

He takes Emily to a sunset and wants to read her words he wrote when he was flying home from Prague. It's so douchey, but I'm only saying that because i'm jealous and know that every girl across America is just eating this up.

He drops the L bomb, and it's somehow not entirely wet blanket-ish and I have to believe he's in the lead in the shotgun marriage tournament.

--

Hometown #3: Arie from Phoenix wants you to know that his Mother is a terrible person whose face hasn't moved, maybe ever. 

Arie wastes no time this week and jumps right into wet blanket mode, eating Emily's face immediately.

It's been a few episodes since they've shown us a duck, so thank God, they show us a duck.

They go to hang out at a lake in Phoenix on the grass, both of which are no doubt natural, just like the way Arie kisses.

Arie tells Emily that his mom is a terrible European person who DOES NOT LIKE AMERICAN GIRL. It might explain why he's a wet blanket, because he presumably never got attention as a child.

They go to meet his family at their gigantic home (so you know he's still in this), and his family seems cold and terrible.

His mother's face doesn't move, and she sounds an awful lot like she is a terrorist as well. She begins to speak in Dutch with Arie while Emily just sits there, and it's awkward. She then asks Emily if they can speak privately.

To Mom Whose Face Doesn't Move's credit, she asks a question I'm shocked hasn't come up yet: why her previous television engagement didn't work out that she, herself, watched on television. She then talks funny, and says that she is, "sinkingggg zat zee engagements are for zee finality of it, no?"

Emily asks M.W.F.D.M. if she thinks Arie could balance his life between auto racing and her, and M.W.F.D.M. says, "zat's hard to aNNNNser because it is REEEEELY hard." Which makes absolutely no sense.

Outside, Arie has to get in at least one wet blanket statement and tells his father that he could definitely propose to Emily and that he's ready to do it right now.

Then, Arie and Emily make out, and it becomes clear that they didn't fire the lighting guy whose only job was to make sure things were properly lit.

--

Hometown #4: I'm Sean from Dallas, and I'm not sure who I am but I know that I love to get aggressive with my tongue. 

In Dallas, Sean takes Emily to wear the ducks are, because Emily loves the ducks.

He picks her flowers, and then looks at them like he doesn't know what they are.

Sean may or may not be dumb as a board.

I'd really like Sean to start taking his sunglasses places.

They make out, and Sean continues his quest to use all of his tongue in her mouth, all of the time.

Back at home, Sean drops a bomb on Emily and tells her that he still lives at home, because he chooses to. We see his messy room and he shows her all of the stuffed animals that he has that are named really effeminate things.

Emily proceeds to say that she now has zero interest in him, because as the tabloids have noted, she's a bit of a star-fucker who also only dates guys who are incredibly rich. He tells her he's kidding, that he does not in fact live at home, and Emily says in her interview that Sean doesn't hear, "Nevermind! Sorry America, just joshin'!"

They have a meal with his parents, and no one says anything notable, but I will say that I like Sean's father more than most people on the show, and Emily should probably just go after him.

Emily drives off after the meal, and because we can't have an episode where Sean doesn't act like a big dumb animal at least once, he runs after the car and does the Sean "EMILLYYYY" thing, and they make out.

I'm over Sean. Where the fuck is Jef with one F.

--

Time for me to give one of you emotional issues for the rest of your life when I tell you that I don't like you or your family. 

Back at the rose ceremony, Emily looks exactly like the last bachelorette, Ali Fedotowsky, because this show wants to make sure they aren't just rolling out a bunch of fembots who are entirely interchangeable.

For the first time, I realize that Jef with one F is shockingly shorter than everyone else, and that in some ways, this explains his choice of hairstyle.

I notice that Jef with one F and I own the same tie, and okay I'll stop. I'm sorry, I know. This is getting gross.

(One F: Call me.)

Without a lot of buildup, Emily eliminates Gerard Butler, who goes into full psycho mode again and basically verbally abuses her for dumping him, because he wants to reassure everyone that he's pretty stable.

On the limo ride home, he says that he's ten times the man as all of the men left.

But, c'mon, Gerard. Take one last look at this picture.

You're not really fooling anyone, bud.

ELIMINATED:

Gerard Butler, the guy whose family was Polish on a scale of one to Polish.

FRONTRUNNER:

Jef with one F, because I say so.

See you next week, everyone. Happy 'merica.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 7)

Episode 7: Let's take it slow and just love each other as puppets first.

Where We Left Off

We're down to 6 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

Ryan, the guy who probably beats women.

and Travis, because he brought an ostrich egg on a national television show to symbolize love.

Emily and the guys travelled to Croatia where they stood on rocks and rode donkeys in Scottish kilts because they were not in Scotland. Main takeaways from the episode were:

- Doug, the guy who I presumed was using his child as bait to get laid before I realized he's probably gay, is probably gay.

- Ryan, the guy who probably beats women with Chris Brown in his free time, was eliminated by Emily because she just couldn't tell if he's a good guy or not because he did everything short of actually hitting her.

- Chris, the guy who looks like Gerard Butler, is not Gerard Butler because he's bad at everything that requires "man".

This week we're off to Prague, the place producers of the show have heralded as one of the most romantic cities in the world because that's in no way an aggressive overstatement about the Czech Republic. Previews dictate that Arie the wet blanket has a huge secret about previously dating a producer of the show (the secret is that he previously dated a producer of the show), someone is gonna make out on a floor and that there aren't any cats here. One-on-one's this week are with Jef with one F, the guy who just gave someone in africa a bottle of water because he's better than you, Wolf, the guy whose aggressive nickname still hasn't been explained to us for some reason, and Arie, the guy who is a wet blanket who used to be doing Emily's friend who is also a producer of the show (and not the Indian woman she hangs out with from time to time in North Carolina, and by time to time I mean "when it's for the tv").

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of emily carrying her own luggage around the streets of Prague, because it's absolutely believable that this is her only bag and that she is carrying it herself.

Once she gets settled, she walks around and stares off into the distance in about 13 locations because her life is hard.

The dude-bro's meet up with the host and he asks them if they are ready for this. I'm sort of bummed that one dude doesn't just randomly yell, "NO," throw his hands in the air, wave them back and forth and run away. Alas, they are, in fact, ready for this.

The guys are staying at a hotel named The Aria, which is funny because it's like the feminine version of Arie the wet blanket's name and I'm sure no one said that to him.

Arie sticks his head out of the hotel window and yells, "HELLO PRAGUE!" and I imagine Sean (the guy who is probably going to win) is probably so pissed that he didn't get to yell "PRAGUEEE!!!" out the window like he does at least once upon arriving in every city to let people know that he does, in fact, know the city and/or country that he is in.

Arie learns that he will have the first one-on-one with Emily, and Gerard Butler begins his episode-long nervous breakdown because he wanted the date and it's not fair. Nnnno. NnnnnnnO.

Doug gives Emily a really uncomfortable hug to let us know that he's not gay, or maybe just himself.

--

Look at this clock. Many people have looked at this clock. I made up that thought all by myself with no help.

Arie's date card says that he and Emily are going to "czech" out Prague together, which is a play on words because they are in the Czech Republic.

Emily stares at a clock and tells Arie that it's cool to stare at that clock where they are standing and staring at that clock because other people have stood there and stared at that clock before.

If they showed a picture book to Emily with a circle and a square and told her to point at the square and then she pointed at the square and she was rewarded with a treat at this exact moment, I wouldn't even blink.

They walk by old buildings and Arie tells Emily that it would be incredible if they got married at one of these giant cathedrals, because that's a totally rational thing to say to someone on your second date while she's also dating five other dudes that are your roommates.

At this point, the episode takes 4,208 hours to explain to us in some weird Public Service Announcement format that the rumors you've read in US Weekly are true and that Arie did, in fact, date a producer from the show years ago. We then go back to the actual show and witness Emily go into full crazy-bitch mode, as she passive aggressively baits Arie over and over trying to get him to admit to this, yet won't just ask him. So, basically, how it works in real life.

We are then notified that Arie, the producer and Emily had a secret meeting to talk about it and it's all water under the bridge. Nobody cares, and I'm angry that no one is saying anything I can make fun of, because if not then what is the point of all this.

Arie and Emily make up from their television relationship fight on a boat and Arie pulls the wettest of the wet blanket moves and tells Emily that he loves her. To be clear: a guy just said on national television that he is in love with a woman who he has been on two dates with, one in which he spent half of the time defending the fact that he used to do her friend.

Arie does the once-an-episode creepy hand thing.

They make out a little bit more after she doesn't say I love you back, and the guy whose only job is to make sure the lighting is good is presumably fired.

Emily says that she doesn't feel like Arie is the kind of guy who just throws the word love around, which is weird because he's a wet blanket who probably tells a checkout clerk that he loves her after he enters his Safeway club card number and gets discounts.

Back at the hotel, Doug goes out on a limb and says that if he had to take a guess, he's almost for sure that they're having dinner somewhere, and Gerard Butler says that he's bummed but not showing it by pouting, and then pouts.

--

This lock not closing is a sign that we are not in love, as opposed to the fact that we do not love each other in any way, shape or form.

On Wolf and Emily's one-on-one date, they go to the John Lennon Wall where people draw pictures of things that mean something to them. They decide to draw a boat, because Wolf likes boats and they've been on a boat. So, you know, obvious go-to. The boat they paint could have been drawn better by her six year old daughter.

Because Emily loves symbolism (even if she might not know how to spell that word), they go to some fence where you write your name on a lock and put it on the fence. Wolf has a hard time closing the lock.

It's this that tells Emily that they might not be meant for each other, not the fact that they are two people who have chosen to find the person they will marry on a national round robin television tournament.

Back at the hotel, Gerard Butler continues his nervous breakdown and says he's on edge because everyone gets to go on the dates but him and it's not fair. Then he sits on the edge of a window sill and stares off into the distance, thinking about the next Gerard Butler film he'll star in.

Wolf and Emily have dinner in some creepy dungeon that looks like a room from the film Kiss the Girls.

Back at home, Sean finds out that he is stuck with a group date as opposed to a one-on-one and decides to go out into the streets of Prague to find Emily. To do so, he yells, "EMILY!" over and over (much like he does the names of countries/cities he arrives in) because that's how you find people in metropolitan cities.

He finds her just walking around a dark alley at night, which seems pretty safe, and then pulls an Arie and eats her face.

--

Let's take a horse ride to a castle because I'm the prettiest princess of them all.

For the group date, Sean, Gerard Butler and Doug go on a horse-drawn carriage ride to a castle with Emily, because she is a pretty pretty princess.

It's raining and Doug asks her if she's getting wet. I laugh, because that's funny.

At the castle, Doug sits far away from Emily and crosses his arms. I think to myself that anyone who's ever read US Weekly's body language expert section would know that this is the worst thing you can do, as it shows you are closed off and may have a fear of intimacy.

Emily then makes this exact comment about his body language, and I wonder to myself if it's not Doug that's gay, but in fact me.

Doug then kisses Emily as she is telling him he will be leaving the show because she's just not that into him, and Doug gets sad and says that he thinks his girl radar is totally broken.

Yes, Doug. It is broken. Because you are most likely a homosexual.

He then cries again and makes the boo-boo face as he's driven away.

Now that the date is down to just two dude-bro's, Sean and Gerard Butler each get to spend one-on-one time with Emily. To find out who will first, she arbitrarily hands out a giant key to each of them, only one of which will open the door to the room she'll hang out in first.

Sean's key opens the door. He lets us know that his key is a big key. That, "this is a man's key," with a, "hey ladies, I think you know what I'm talking about" look.

When Gerard Butler finally gets to sit down with Emily, he continues his meltdown and says that he went a little crazy yesterday because he didn't get a one-on-one date and sort of gets angry at her, which is a surefire way to convince a woman that you're someone they should sleep with. They go back outside and Emily gives a rose to Sean and not Gerard Butler, and then kisses him while Gerard Butler has to watch, which is really good for his mental breakdown.

Gerard Butler says that if he doesn't get a rose this week, he'd be scared for anyone around him, and I'm starting to wonder if Sleeping With The Enemy is coaching him through a tiny earpiece.

--

Tell a doll version of me that you love it to signify that you love me too, because we're grown-ups.

For their one-on-one date, Jef with one F and Emily go to a marionette shop and buy dolls that symbolize them and Ricki. Nothing weird about that.

One of the dolls they play with is Michael Jackson, which is an awfully strange coincidence.

Jef with one F is remarkably good with the marionette dolls. Like, almost too good. Maybe he puts on shows in Africa at well opening parties. Who knows.

They go to some huge library and put on a puppet show for each other in which they re-enact every interaction they've ever had so far as puppets of themselves, because this is how adults tell each other what they are feeling for each other.

Puppet Jef with one F says I love you for the first time to Puppet Emily and then Real Jef with one F tells Real Emily that he really likes her, because only Puppet Jef with one F loves her.

They lay on a floor, and Emily says, "there aren't many people I can lay on the floor with and still be really happy." No one has any idea what this means.

Jef with one F continues his dazzling performance and basically solidifies his place as the next Bachelor when he inevitably loses to Sean by saying, "I wanna date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you." I call my girlfriend, horrified that she's at a bar with Jef with one F somewhere.

At this exact moment, I'm mortified to learn that I'm actually pro Jef with one F.

--

It's a wet blanket contest, and Gerard Butler is winning.

Back at the rose ceremony, they play sad violin music, because Prague is where the sad violin music is played.

Emily casually looks at pictures of all the guys next to candlelight like it's a funeral, because if you were trying to choose between two people to date in real life, you'd probably just grab their high school portraits, frame them and look at them over soft, depressing lighting.

Gerard Butler cries because it's not fair that they don't get to talk to Emily this week, and he presumes he's going to be eliminated.

Before she gives out the last rose to either Gerard Butler or Wolf, Gerard Butler interrupts her and asks to speak with her. Total bro-foul. However, this clearly sways Emily to pick him and not Wolf, and i'm pretty sure we've got ourselves a new villain.

Here's hoping I'm right about Sleeping with the Enemy calling the shots from home.

ELIMINATED:

Doug, the guy who was probably gay.

and Wolf, because Gerard Butler totally bro-fouled him, and now we'll never know why he's nicknamed "Wolf" so I hope you're happy Gerard Butler.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Gerard Butler, because he is not emotionally stable, and that's saying a lot on a show called The Bachelorette.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because GOD dammit I'm starting to like this guy.

and Sean, because he's got a man's key.

See you next week, everyone.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 62: Songs That Puppet Me and Puppet You Would Get Along To

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 6)

Episode 6: I want to fall in love where the cats fall in love. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to 8 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

Kalon, the guy who called her daughter baggage (which she is).

and Allejandro, the only token remaining who was so uninteresting it was painful.

Emily and the guys travelled to London, where she got really mad at Kalon for pointing out that she has a lot of baggage that any guy would probably inherit if he were to win her hand in marriage on a television show. The key takeaways from a mostly boring episode were:

- Sean, the guy who is probably going to win the show, is probably going to win the show because he is probably going to win the show.

Arie, the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did, has moved from "maybe a wet blanket" to "stage five clinger."

- Jef with one F, the guy who saves all of the Africans, is surprisingly smooth for a guy from Utah.

This week we're off to Croatia, the one place in Eastern Europe that rich people are cool with going to because you don't die there like everywhere else in horror movies located in Eastern Europe. Previews dictate that things are gonna get pretty intense, but from what I've learned that usually just means we'll probably go for a walk on a street (which will in turn be the best date of someone's life) and Emily will probably be stoked that a guy works out. One-on-one's this week are with Ryan, the guy who may or may not have starred in the film Sleeping with the Enemy, and Travis, the guy who thought it was a good idea to bring an ostrich egg on national television to symbolize how serious he is about falling in love.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of a feral cat on a crumbled wall, hammering home the fact that Croatia is an up and coming place to vacation.

Emily says she's so excited about being in Croatia, because, "it's like being in a different world." Which is what a lot of countries that aren't the one you live in feel like, and therefore why you travel to them.

Ricki will not be joining us in Croatia (the first time she has not been on the show), because Emily wants to hammer home that what Kalon said about her daughter being baggage in no way affected her. It's a shame, because there are tons of cats in Croatia and I bet Ricki would have been pretty stoked about that.

Jef with one F feels like this is the perfect place to fall in love, which every guy says about every place they have ever been on the show. You could honestly take them to a Chuck E Cheese in Mexico and they would say that it was the perfect place to fall in love.

Travis, the guy who brought the ostrich egg, gets the first date and to signify how excited he is, ABC shows us a shot of him putting on his shirt so we can see his killer bod, because this is a show about finding true love.

I make a critical analysis of how much I dislike the jeans Travis is wearing, much like I did when looking at Sean's last week, because i'm just a heterosexual guy watching The Bachelorette.

--

In Croatia, if you can balance on a rock and take your clothes off you'll fall in love. No, seriously. 

Emily and Travis go on a date and (wait for it) it's the best date of his life.

They come across a thing called the balancing stone, which is a rock that appears to be out of the film Labyrinth.

If you can stand on it and take your shirt off, you will fall in love. Either producers made this up or people in Croatia just make up things about their heritage when they've had too much to drink.

Travis has trouble standing on the rock and then says, trying to find a way to balance, that "there's one more hole up here" he can grab and I'm really upset that Emily doesn't say "that's what she said."

Emily is bummed that Travis didn't take his shirt off, because she "wants to see what's underneath that shirt" because she's looking for a good father figure for her daughter, Ricki.

They walk around a corner and a weird dude in an alley plays some Croatian guitar while they dance awkwardly.

At this point, it's actually sort of debatable if we are, in fact, in the film Labyrinth, a movie about a girl who is obsessed with a child she has to find in a maze because she's also a pretty pretty princess.

Back at the house, Sleeping with the Enemy talks about how Emily likes him because he has an edge to him while wearing a women's tank top.

He says he misses the mean man inside of him who used to come out on the football field, and then presumably goes to text Chris Brown offscreen to ask if there's any great places to hit women in Dubrovnik.

Sleeping with the Enemy then finds out he'll have the next one-on-one date and says that he can manipulate any romantic situation with any woman, and at this point I'm not even mad at how terrible of a person he is, I'm just borderline impressed.

Because he's actually a good person who seems to genuinely care about her, Emily does not consider dating Travis and in turn does not give him a rose. That is actually how the real world works, so I'm okay with this. She says "I could pin this rose on you," but all all I hear is "penis rose on you" because i'm eight years old.

For dramatic effect, Travis walks into the rain and throws his umbrella because he's the saddest. He cries a lot so that when women meet him out at bars from now on, he'll be the sensitive guy who cried when he got rejected on The Bachelorette and that will in turn get him laid.

--

The Bachelorette is brought to you by Brave, a movie made by a company that is owned by Disney which owns ABC which owns The Bachelorette. 

Before the group date, we are shown another depressed stray cat in Croatia, because seriously guys, there are tons of stray cats in Croatia.

They are going to watch the movie Brave, a movie made by Pixar which is owned by Disney which owns ABC which owns The Bachelorette and oh I see what you did there.

They all sit in a balcony in what appears to be uncomfortable stools and watch and talk about the film while relating it to their lives, because they're going for a girl and in the movie guys are going for a girl and it's brought to you by Pixar and Disney and ABC, which owns The Bachelorette.

Gerard Butler's face tells us that he can't wait to see what happens next.

We find out that, just like in the film Brave, the guys are going to do a bunch of manly challenges to vie for Emily's hand because she's a pretty pretty princess. The film is based in Scotland, which is about 1,500 miles away from Croatia and is absolutely nothing like it culturally, so it's sort of akin to going to Japan and eating a Cheeseburger.

The guys change into their kilts for the challenge, and we get to see a ton of man junk.

There is another shot of a stray cat.

At the challenge, everyone makes fun of Gerard Butler because he's terrible at every event and when he shoots a bow and arrow he puts his butt out.

Doug and Gerard do a tug of war thing and Doug makes some weird faces.

Sean is very attractive and muscular and he's the best and he's the dreamiest. That's about all that happens.

Emily gives Gerard Butler the bravery cup (which is sponsored by the film Brave, in theaters June 22nd) for being the worst at everything. They make out in a blanket and there is a double rainbow because love is real and magic is in the air.

We go and drink after the competition like we do every time.

Arie the wet blanket talks about how freaked out he is because he hasn't seen Emily since London even though he's been with her all day, so nothing wet blanket-y about that statement.

He goes for a walk with her and eats her face against a wall.

Arie seems like the kind of guy who would stop in the middle of sex, stare at a girl, smile and say, "hi."

Back at home, Sleeping with the Enemy talks about how awesome he is and how he wakes up every day, looks in the mirror and says, "who do you want to be today?" something that he says most men do not do. Most men also don't lock women in closets, Ryan. But, hey. Tomato/Tomahto.

Emily sits down with Jef with one F and tells him that he was awesome at the competition today, to which he says, "so were you," even though she didn't do anything at it and it's exactly like that awkward moment where you tell the person who sold you the movie ticket to enjoy the show all over again.

He looks off into the distance, probably concerned about Africa.

They have absolutely no chemistry and talk about how much chemistry they have for a long time. While kissing her he says, "can i tell you a secret? i'm crazy about you." I start to wonder why I never just started a charity for Africa if you can say shit like this and get away with it.

Gerard Butler wins the rose for the night for being The Biggest Loser at the competition and ABC is probably bummed that it doesn't own that show so that it can cross-promote it like Brave, coming to theaters this June 22nd.

--

I can't tell if Ryan thinks I'm just a trophy wife to be had or not because he's being vague about it. 

Sleeping with the Enemy and Emily go on a date fishing for oysters, because the date card said "the world is our oyster." Get it?

When they eat an oyster and Emily wants to spit it out, Sleeping with the Enemy angrily yells at her to swallow it, which is something I'm sure he's never yelled condescendingly at a woman before.

He says about 4,208 times that she is a future trophy wife and says about 4,208 other condescending things to her as well.

Emily said that if she knew one way or the other that Ryan wasn't just some guy who was looking for a trophy wife that it'd be easier to make a decision. Which is weird, because he's called her a trophy wife 4,208 times and has stated repeatedly that it's something his wife will be.

They go to have dinner, where he pulls out an arbitrary list of 12 adjectives he looked up in the dictionary that define the woman he wants to be with that he wrote down. She tells him that since a family isn't on the list, she can't give him the rose, and he begins to make Chris Brown face telling her that she's making a mistake and that she'll regret it and I'm just waiting for the backhand to fly up.

Before we find out if she's going to give in to Sleeping with the Enemy emotionally beating her into submission until she changes her mind, we are shown another stray cat.

Back at home, the guys all weigh in on whether or not they think Emily will give Sleeping with the Enemy a rose, and every guy pretty much says yes because they are realistic and all know that deep down, Emily is probably going to pick an asshole that treats her horribly because she's a wildly predictable hot girl. Then Arie the wet blanket says he doesn't think she will because he trusts her. Gerard Butler rolls his eyes because this is the biggest douchebag statement ever.

Back to Emily. She says that while Sleeping with the Enemy has said things that made her feel terrible (a quality you're definitely looking for in someone to marry, and/or date and/or know), he's good looking so this decision is hard. She then says that this is the first time she just hasn't known about a guy, which is weird because she was just in a failed engagement less than a year ago. She doesn't give Ryan the rose, and we are officially out of interesting people to watch weekly.

On the car ride home, Ryan freaks out that they are going to edit him to look like an asshole, which is weird because he was an asshole the entire time and I don't think there is a "make him not say all the asshole things" button in Final Cut Pro. I am wildly surprised that he doesn't threaten the guy filming him in the car, because that'd just be par for the course at this point really.

There is another shot of a cat.

Arie the wet blanket sneaks over to Emily's place so that he can say a bunch of wet blanket stuff to her and eat her face some more. He slurps so much when he kisses her that I feel like I'm in the back row of a movie theater in high school.

--

Doug, seriously. This is out of control. 

Back at the rose ceremony, Emily feels like she needs to figure out if she actually likes Wolf or Doug at all, so she spends some quality time with them.

She feels like she doesn't know if Wolf is into her, so he shows her mementos of his dead grandparents that he keeps in his wallet and cries to show her that he's sensitive.

I have no idea what this has to do with them being into each other, but it jedi mind trick's Emily's very small brain and she decides that this means they are into each other.

Doug and Emily sit down to catch up and Doug is so awkward with her that OKAY, SERIOUSLY. Doug is gay, can we just come out with this already? The guy is so awkward around her that I feel uncomfortable, like i'm being forced to watch the first time I tried to touch a girl's breast. It's that bad, but the difference is Doug is grown man. Let's just call a spade a spade and be clear that Doug just probably doesn't like girls, and maybe it's time for him to not be on the "like girls enough to marry them" show.

He then cries about missing his "son" and looks like a little kid who got a boo-boo.

She doesn't eliminate anyone, and that makes me want to cry because I was promised that someone would be eliminated and now I'm making the boo-boo face on my couch, writing a 2,000 word essay about the eighth season of a show called The Bachelorette at the age of 30.

ELIMINATED:

Ryan, the guy who probably beats women.

and Travis, because he brought an ostrich egg on a national television show to symbolize love.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Doug, because he is gay. Like, actually gay.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because he hasn't really done anything wrong yet.

and Sean, because he is pretty much 100% the guy who is going to win.

See you next week, everyone.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 5)

Episode 5: I can't believe you said I have baggage just because I have a six year old daughter, one previous marriage and a failed engagement which occurred within the last calendar year. 

Where We Left Off

We're down to 10 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

The Last Samurai, the guy who looked like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai.

Nate, the accountant who can't talk about it right now.

and Hulk Charlie, who SO ANGRY CHARLIE GOT ELIMINATED.

Emily and the guys travelled to Bermuda with her daughter who she doesn't want them to meet. The key takeaways from the episode:

Doug, the guy who is using his child as bait to get laid, may or may not be gay because he can't pull the trigger and seems to get weird when it comes time to (which I don't mean in a derogatory way, I just actually think he likes dudes, which means that going on a show not featuring making out with a dude was a poor life choice and probably kind of a waste of time).

- Arie, the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did, might be a bit of a wet blanket. I say this because he's a ginormous wet blanket who says how much he misses Emily every time he sees her, even though I'm fairly certain they are contractually obligated to see each other every day for 23 of the 24 hours of its duration. He's nice and all, but ease up, man. I'm not even the girl you're trying to sleep with and I'd like a little space.

- Ryan, the football player, may or may not have starred in the film Sleeping With The Enemy and takes any chance he can to bring back the good old days when women were in the kitchen and DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT OR YOU'LL GO BACK IN YOUR ROOM, WOMAN. DO YOU WANT THAT? AND YOU KNOW I HATE MEATLOAF. He wants to be the next bachelor, which i'm not totally against, because at least it would be more interesting than watching this middle school dance.

- Chris (Gerard Butler) and Doug hate each other, but who cares, neither is winning and unless someone throws a punch it's sort of like seeing a middle sibling fight with the youngest in the family: no one cares.

This week we're off to London. We've been promised that someone calls Emily's daughter/life baggage and that she's going to eliminate them for basically saying what everyone is thinking, like someone saying "you farted" and you not admitting it and getting angry instead. One-on-one's this week are with Sean, the guy who's probably going to win, and Jef with one F, the entrepreneur who saves all of the Africans yet doesn't know how to spell his own name correctly.

--

General Recap

The episode opened with shots of cliche london, because we are not in the south anymore so there are no ducks or horses.

Emily notifies us that she's excited to have Ricki here with her, because she says the same formulaic thing in every episode and that is in no way boring.

The dude bros meet up with our host who informs them that Emily is well on her way to falling in love. So, basically, imagine you and your friend like the same person, and their friend called to say, "Thanks for your time ladies, I'd like to inform you that Steve is well on his way to making an informed decision about who he would like to sleep with, just an FYI. Have a good day."

Wolf and Gerard Butler got haircuts, because we've been on the show for what is probably about three weeks so that's necessary.

Back at the hotel, Arie raves about how amazing the view is. The view is of a back alley, which is, in fact, a terrible view.

Jef with one F is the cliche guy who says "If there is ever a time to step it up, it's this week," because I'm fairly certain one guy has to say this per week. Just to clear this up: wouldn't every day on a round robin elimination dating show be a pretty good day to step it up? Just sayin'.

Ryan says more scary Sleeping With The Enemy shit about how this trip will be great for HIM AND EMILY. NO ONE ELSE.

Sean gets the first one-on-one, and while I really like him and really do think he's going to win, I find the wash of his jeans highly questionable.

Kalon says the hardest thing for him is not having control in a situation, and all I can think about is Patrick Bateman in the business card scene in American Psycho.

--

Let's go on a boring date around London, because this show isn't even trying anymore. 

Emily and Sean go on a one-on-one date around London on their own private double decker famous London tourist bus. This is the equivalent of someone picking you up for a date in your own private Ride the Ducks tour, which is to say "not that great."

Sean yells on top of the bus "LONDONNNN!" He is also the guy who was in Bermuda and yelled "BERMUDAAA!"

Emily claps at him and says "yayyy!" like she's talking to her daughter or a six year old person in general.

Emily says she is excited about her date for Sean because he is good looking. This has been her answer for why she likes three guys now. So, she's definitely in this for a good father figure, no doubt about that.

Back at the hotel, Kalon states to Arie and Jef with one F that if he's picked for the group date, it's no big deal, because let's be real: every day with Emily will be a group date with her and her daughter if she picks you as the winner. Everyone gets angry at Kalon, because he keeps saying everything that everyone is thinking yet cannot say because then they can't have sex with Emily.

Sean and Emily sit in a field, and she says she likes him because he has muscles, is a good guy but not the type that's ugly or uninteresting. Sean really wishes he had sunglasses, but he's too good looking, even for the sun.

I begin to develop a strong man crush on Sean, because he's not that bad of a guy, and I know this because I'm watching carefully curated edits of his life on a television show called The Bachelorette.

Since the date card Sean received from Emily said "Love takes no prisoners," they go on a dinner date at a prison. Get it? Because love takes no prisoners, and prisoners live in a prison. Just to make sure we're all on the same page, Emily tells us that love, in fact, takes no prisoners.

Emily twirls her hair, and my head almost explodes.

Today was the best day of Sean's life, but I'm okay with it because the best day of Doug's life was spent perfume shopping so hey, it could be worse.

Emily says, "As you know, I have a six year old daughter" (glad we cleared that up). She then goes on to say that she doesn't want to rush things, but she wants around 6 to 10 children more, which is rushing things because this is their first date. In any other scenario of life, if a woman said this at a dinner table, no one would fault you for throwing the table over like an action movie and running. No one.

Sean gets the rose, because he's the best and even I would twirl my receding hairline at him.

--

We're in England and Shakespeare was like, from here and let's say lines from Romeo and Juliet together. 

On the group date, the dude bros have to perform Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet with Emily because she is a pretty pretty princess.

Four guys get to be Romeo, Kalon being one of them. He is very serious about his performance, and tells Emily to run along while actually gesturing for her to run along so that he can learn his lines, which is amazingly awesome and condescending.

They put on their costumes for the show. Sleeping With The Enemy takes about 22 pointed shots at Arie, because those two hate each other and it's my favorite.

Arie's voice sounds like Tiger Woods, which is funny because a white guy sounds like a black guy who sounds like a white guy.

If Alejandro doesn't make it on this show, he could definitely play Aladdin at any major Disney theme park because I'm racist.

They perform a bunch of boring scenes from the play as a bunch of British people with horrible teeth watch them.

Sleeping With The Enemy takes at least nine more shots at Arie. Arie responds by saying that if Shakespeare were still alive, he would say to Sleeping With The Enemy that, "Thouest Suck." Sweet burn, Arie.

After the play, they go somewhere to drink, and the guys take turns hanging out with Emily.

Emily calls Sleeping With The Enemy trouble. Sleeping With The Enemy says that, in his experience, when a girl says "you're trouble" it means she wants to get into some trouble. How many times in Ryan's life do you think he's said that "she was asking for it"? Ballpark?

At this point, every guy on the show starts talking about how Kalon said that Emily's daughter/past life was baggage. To be fair, having a six year old daughter, a previous marriage and a previous failed engagement that occurred within the past year is the textbook definition of baggage.

Doug, who probably was that kid everyone hated in elementary school because he told on everyone, tells Emily about Kalon, and Emily grows furious. Emily wants to go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass. No one has any idea what this means.

Emily goes out to the guys, cries, and tells Kalon he's an asshole for what he said and then kicks him off the show. I'm furious, because Kalon is just about the only interesting thing we have left on this show.

Emily tells the guys she wants to be alone for a while, because she can't believe that someone called out her baggage which she's brought on national television. I hear that, sister. She goes on to say that she can't believe that no one stood up for her, so no one gets a rose tonight. She reiterates how angry she is that no one told her, and girls, this is why guys have trouble sometimes: Doug told you, Emily. No, seriously: Doug told you.

Emily then goes home to see her daughter before her one-on-one with Jef with one F and asks her what her favorite thing she's seen in London is. Ricki responds The Brickingham Palace, because the King and the Dragon live there. It's startling how  uncertain Emily looks when she tells her that she is, in fact, incorrect.

--

Let's go on an etiquette date and oh my god this episode is terrible. It is fucking terrible. 

Emily and Jef with one F go on a one-on-one date and learn etiquette. I search my kitchen for any form of alcohol. Sadly, there is none.

They go on to some pub and Jef with one F tells her that if Ricki is baggage like Kalon said? Ricki is a Chloe handbag or maybe a vintage Louis Voutton. I hate him only because it's a douchey comment that I totally respect. Jef with one F knows what he's doing, even if he's sort of a douche.

They go to eat dessert in the London Eye, and Jef with one F brings some pretty legit a-game and drops a pretty great line: "I just want someone to share the details with." I'm pretty sure that if Jef with one F loses this show, he's going to have his pick of girls that aren't even born yet in any city, in any country, ever. Smooth talker, that African baby saver.

They do not eat their dessert, because this show is just like an action movie where the characters never do logical things like eat or go to the bathroom.

Jef with one F gets the rose, and we have no doubt in our minds that it's a three man race at this point between him, Arie the wet blanket and Sean, the guy who is going to win the show.

--

I'm through talking about the baggage thing, WHY AREN'T YOU TALKING TO ME MORE ABOUT IT?

Back at the rose ceremony, Wolf is wearing colored chinos because colored chinos and denim are so hot right now, just like chevron.

He may or may not also have a black eye.

Arie and Emily sit and talk about how disappointed she is that no one had her back when she kicked Kalon off the show. Emily says that she doesn't even wanna talk about it anymore, and then talks about it more. Arie makes the wet blanket voice a bunch, and I'm becoming less and less a fan of him.

Sleeping With The Enemy does some suave shit while still being Sleeping With The Enemy-ish. Emily states that she's mad at herself for saying it, but she's finding herself liking him more and more. You know, like every abuse victim ever. Rihanna, give Emily your phone number because you guys have tons to talk about.

ELIMINATED:

Kalon, the guy who called her daughter and life a ton of baggage, because it is.

Alejandro, the only token remaining who was so uninteresting it was painful.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Everyone on the show, because this was the worst episode ever.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because he fed Emily a line better than most men ever dream of saying and I hate him for it.

and Sean, because he is pretty much 100% the guy who is going to win.

See you next week, everyone.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 4)

Episode 4: I hate to watch guys compete, so I went on a gameshow where 25 guys compete for me, specifically.

Where We Left Off

We're down to 13 dude-bros. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion last week were:

MC N*SYNC, the guy who probably had a coke problem and looked like a member of the group N*SYNC, if that wasn't clear.

Allesandro, the guy who called himself a gypsy king and was being totally serious/told her that her daughter was a compromise, which she absolutely is.

and Tony, one of the guys who was using his child as bait to get laid.

Emily made the guys hang out with all of her best friends and one Indian woman that she doesn't know so that she could find out who was a good guy. She went on one-on-one dates with Arie (the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did for a living) and Gerard Butler, who is too young because he is 25 and she is 26 and idolizes people who wear costumes for a living. She has begun to make out with at least two of the guys, so if this is like middle school some guy in the next few episodes will probably go for a boob grab, get denied and tell everyone else that he was not, in fact, denied. This week, Emily and the dude-bros are traveling to Bermuda. Our one-on-ones are with Doug, The (now only) father who is using his child as bait to get laid and a two-on-one with Nate the accountant and Wolf, the guy whose nickname was probably self-appointed.

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of ducks, because we've already seen tons of horses and they want us to know that the south isn't just about horses. It's about ducks, too.

We're back at the house of the bros to hear that we're going to Bermuda. Michael, the guy who looks like The Last Samurai, is wearing a yellow headband, the kind that girls wear while they wash their faces at night.

Everyone bros out and high fives, because they are competing to sleep with the same woman and they want the other one to know that they're pumped about it.

Sidenote: Can you imagine the flight over to Bermuda? What do these guys talk about? Did someone have to get a middle seat, even if the flight was chartered? I imagine last samurai just listened to self help audio books while Allejandro (the guy who is a mushroom farmer, which is sort of like saying unemployed/into recreational drugs) listened to ambient techno the entire flight over. Hulk Charlie probably just kept saying to himself, "HULK HATE AIRPLANE. HULK AFRAID HULK GET ANGRY AND GET TOO BIG AND BREAK AIR FLYING DEVICE BECAUSE HULK'S DOCTOR DIDN'T GIVE HIM ANXIETY CIRCLES TO EAT LIKE HULK ASK FOR."

--

Welcome to Bermuda, I brought my daughter to a remote island because I don't want you to meet her. 

Emily has brought her daughter Ricki to Bermuda. This is logical, because she doesn't want Ricki to meet the guys, so the best place to stash her is probably on a remote island with them.

Emily mentions that it's exciting to be in Bermuda, because maybe she'll come back soon with a baby in a stroller and her husband and oh by the way she wants more babies, has she mentioned that? SHE REALLY wants more babies.

The bros drive around on Vespa's yelling, "BERMUDA!!!" over and over again to let you know that they're stoked they're in Bermuda. It's like being on a Harley, except it's a Vespa.

We've honestly been watching this episode for under five minutes and The Last Samurai has another hairband on. This time it's in blue. He's not even trying anymore, he may as well just start drinking milk straight from the carton during episodes in the background.

We learn that Doug (the guy who is using his child as bait to get laid) is going on the first one-on-one.

To show that the weather is vicious in Bermuda, they show water flying out of the infinity pool due to intense winds. First world problems.

Doug starts to sweat the one-on-one date, and all of the guys make fun of him because he has feelings and you can't have those on The Bachelorette. Doug then starts to show the first signs of being sort of temperamental before Emily walks in to break things up, and it's clear that at some point in this series, Doug is going to hit someone and that's really exciting for all of us.

Arie does a Doug impression comparing him to the Hulk, and even though I think it's Charlie who's the Hulk, I start to worry that this is The Truman Show and I'm actually writing a reality television show and I just don't know it yet.

Doug and Emily go on a one-on-one date where they go shopping for things like perfume oils. People in relationships don't even like doing shit like this, so there's that. Emily says she really likes Doug because he's really good looking, and I'm starting to wonder what Emily got on her SAT's.

They walk up to some thing called the moon gate, which you make a wish and walk under so that all of your dreams will come true. Emily wishes that she won't be single forever, which has been made pretty clear by the fact that she is on a game show where the winner becomes "not single". For the second time.

They have dinner somewhere and Emily basically says Doug is too perfect like Brad, the last guy who she was supposed to marry from television. She says he seems too perfect, which I don't understand because he sort of just seems like a douche. But hey, that's just me and I'm not on the TV. He tells Emily that he's, "just a guy..not a genius, not a dummy." He then speaks about himself in the third person, which you should never, ever do.

Emily gives Doug a rose. He says that this is the best date he's ever had in his life. So, for those keeping score at home: the best date of Doug's life was one where he went to a perfume shop and walked under a tourist location called the moon gate.

ABC cuts to awkward shots of them back and forth as Emily waits for Doug to kiss her even though he won't, because he says he's all about moving slow. It sort of just looks like someone farted.

Doug speaks in the third person some more, stating that, "if Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know she wants a kiss."

Doug may or may not be impotent (which affects an estimated 18 million men in the U.S. alone).

--

Race boats to decide who gets to go on a date with me with a ton of other dudes. 

Most of the remaining guys back home are split up into two teams, ketchup and mustard, that are going to race each other on fancy boats. Emily says, "too be honest, I hate to watch guys compete."

She is on a nationally televised show where 25 men compete for her.

The boat race is like 4,987 minutes long and is worthless. Key takeaways:

- Ryan the football player is ultra-competitive, which nobody saw coming.

- Jef with one F hurts his finger, so it's probably going to be tough to give bottles of water to African children now.

- I have the same pair of shoes as Travis (the ostrich egg guy) which is sort of depressing.

- Hulk Charlie cries when Team Ketchup loses and says he's embarrassed by that. Which, you know, he should be, because he's crying on national television after losing a yachting challenge.

Mustard wins and gets to all sit around and hit on Emily for the night. Key takeaways:

- Ryan the football player calls Emily a potential trophy wife, tells her again that she better not get fat and says about fourteen things that football coaches say to men when they're speaking to them in their underpants in a locker room. Long story short: Ryan's not doing so well. Emily concludes that she feels like Ryan is judging her and that's not cool, even though she's judging 25 guys and eliminating them daily on a television show. Ryan may or may not have starred in the film Sleeping with the Enemy.

- Arie breathes really heavily and then creepily touches Emily about nine times.

- Jef with one F and Emily walk around and don't talk about much of anything, and then he says he's falling for her, which is how love works.

Before we set off for the 2-on-1 date with Nate the accountant and Wolf, Ryan the football player says about 98 more football coach-isms and then probably punches Julia Roberts off-screen.

--

Let's go cliff diving, I have ginormous fake breasts, This date is terrible, Etc. 

Emily goes for a 2-on-1 date with two of the most uninteresting guys on the show, Nate the accountant and Wolf. They go cliff diving, but not before Wolf says, "this could be a big jumping off point for the both of us." Get it? Because they jumped off of a cliff.

I'm surprised Emily didn't knock herself out with her ginormous breasts when they hit the water. Nate doesn't stare directly at them.

They go spelunking in a cave to have dinner and decide who will get the rose from Emily and who will go home.

Nate has a huge neck. I mean, huge.

Emily asks Nate what she may not know about him that she should. He says: "My parents are married. My brother is the best. I love my friends." Then he cries and says, "I can't talk about this right now." No one has any idea what Nate can't talk about.

Nate may as well just say that he loves Lamp.

Wolf then talks to Emily and is surprisingly smooth. He gets the rose from Emily, sending Nate home. Touché, Wolf. Touché.

-

Wear blue knee-highs, touch me all creepy or get the F*CK out. 

Back at the rose ceremony, Emily walks in to greet the men and says, "ya'll look very handsome!" They all say, "as do you" back to her and it's sort of awkward, like when you're at the movie theater and the person who sells you the ticket says, "enjoy the show" and you say "thanks, you too", even though they will not enjoy the show because they, in fact, work at the movie theater and just sell tickets.

The Last Samurai isn't wearing a headband, which is a huge improvement for him even though we haven't heard him say one word for at least two episodes, which I'm pretty sure is doing it wrong.

Jef with one F, however, is wearing knee-high blue socks and it's almost like a stun gun because I can't make fun of it and I can't applaud it.

Some of the guys joke that maybe Sleeping With The Enemy/Ryan the football player is going to be sent home. Travis, the ostrich egg guy, says that that'd be a curveball. Kalon, who probably did not play sports and/or watch them, says, "well that would be a left ball, not even a curveball." Which doesn't make sense and I have a sneaking suspicion that he would like to have not said that on national television.

Sleeping With The Enemy says more Sleeping With The Enemy shit about how, "just because Emily is the bachelorette, that doesn't make her worthy." After she leaves, he tells The Last Samurai that even if he loses he knows media people and will just become the next Bachelor. If he raised a backhand at Emily and told her to get in the kitchen at this point, I'd probably just think that it was a spin-off show.

Gerard Butler (the 25 year old who's too young) and Doug (the dad who is using his child as bait to get laid) get into an argument. Doug says he's acting immature, to which Gerard Butler says, "No I'm not a butthead YOU'RE a butthead" and then storms off.

Arie makes out with Emily somewhere, touches her a little creepily a few times and makes weird faces.

ELIMINATED:

The Last Samurai, the guy who looked like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai.

Nate, the accountant who can't talk about it right now.

and Hulk Charlie, who SO ANGRY CHARLIE GET ELIMINATED.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Allejandro. Because he's a mushroom farmer and apparently I'm racist.

Ryan/Sleeping With The Enemy, because he did everything short of locking Emily in a cage.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

Jef with one F, because if you wear knee-high blue socks to a nationally televised elimination ceremony you have got to be a little confident.

and Sean, because he is sort of just in cruise control.

See you next week, everyone.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 61: I write over 2,000 words a week about The Bachelorette, which is in no way depressing

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 3)

Episode 3: I idolize a woman because she wears costumes for a living. Seriously.

Where We Left Off

Last week, we trimmed more of the fat, going from 19 bro-hammers to 16 bro-hammers. The gentlemen who lost Cotillion were:

Joe, who had a made-up job.

Aaron, the Canadian who is poor that wore hipster glasses.

and Kyle, the worthless financial advisor.

Emily had two pretty worthless one-on-one dates and hasn't put out once yet. We have one good in-house bro fight between Kalon (the douche you sorta love to love) and DJ N*SYNC (the guy with a coke problem/drinking problem/both problems at once). This week, we've been promised one-on-ones with Arie (the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did for a living) and Gerard Butler. We are also promised an appearance by Dolly Parton, which has to be for the 65 year old souther women who are drinking chardonnay alone and watching this show and need to feel included.

General Recap

The episode opened with a shot of horses, because in the south, if you go outside ever, you will see wild horses.

We go to the house of the bros to hear who's going on the first one-on-one date with Emily. Nate the accountant looks haggard, but to be fair all we've seen the bros do is drink and bro-five for the most part.

Michael, the professional ex-alcoholic is still wearing his hair like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai, because women love that look.

Gerard Butler gets picked for the date, then tells the rest of the bros that, "he's just grateful for the opportunity" like a guy giving an interview before halftime in an important playoff game.

Sidenote: It'd be amazing if they would do a full live episode, where the bros were pulled aside and interviewed mid-happenings.

Announcer: "Bro, what were your thoughts going into tonight's rose ceremony with Emily?"

Bro Contestant: "You know, just gotta execute well. Kalon is running a really amazing cock block out there, and I know I just need to focus on the game plan and execute. I want to thank Jesus and my five year old son that I've abandoned back home for being cool with me doing this, or not saying if you aren't cool with it because you are five and can't project emotions yet."

--

The reason I think you'd be a good dad for my fatherless child is that you're good looking. 

Tonight's first date is with Gerard Butler. They walk around holding hands, because that's what you do on first dates when you know nothing about the person. They tell each other how good looking the other one is a bunch because they have a ton in common.

They are going to climb the side of a tall building to have dinner on top of it. As they get their gear on, Chris says that "she looks great in a harness." This is a gigantic red flag. If he starts to talk about his friend Zed who "crashes in the basement" then we may have to be a little concerned.

They make a lot of climbing metaphors relating to love. Get it, guys? Because love is like a mountain you have to climb when you're selecting a man to marry on national television in under two months.

They climb the building. I cannot help but think the entire time:

Wouldn't it be amazing if, about 30 seconds into the climb, ABC unleashed a ravenous set of American Gladiators to chase them up the building without any warning?

Sadly, American Gladiators do not chase them up the building.

Gerard Butler talks about how he wants to kiss her, but then high fives her instead. That'll totally win her over, broham. Nailed it.

They have dinner, and Emily gets taken aback by the fact that Gerard is 25, calling it a "red flag" because he's a little young. To be fair, Emily: you are approximately one year older than him and you were pregnant at the age of 17. So, you know. Maybe sit this one out.

To quell her fears, Gerard says "I'm a man. At the age of 17, I left home and it matured me." So, college. Which, if you've ever been to one, means you just call home for money/borrow it from a bank and spend it on drugs and alcohol for four years. Oddly, this satisfies Emily's concern that he might have trouble taking care of her six year old daughter and she gives him a rose.

Gerard says, "It's hard to describe how I feel. There are really no words to describe how I feel right now." So, the same thing twice in a row, making it wildly believable that he, in fact, does not know how to describe how he feels.

(Sidenote again: I can't help but think how amazing it would be if there was a spin-off where Gerard and Hulk Charlie are just two guys trying to make it in the world. Gerard tries to be Hulk Charlie's speech therapist, but he just doesn't know how to describe how he feels to him. ABC, seriously: call me. I'm fucking loaded with ideas and there is no way either of those guys won. They've gotta still be under contract.)

Emily and Gerard walk to an abandoned parking lot. To be clear: she's walking to an abandoned parking lot with a guy who creepily looked at her and said "you look good in a harness." One of emily's favorite bands plays on a stage (again) while they dance awkwardly and people stare at them. The guy singing has a country song lyric that goes, "girl you make my speakers go boom boom" and instantly I hate my life because he has 10,987% more money than I do.

Gerard asks Emily if he can kiss her at the end of the song, which is more awkward than shit I pulled in middle school. They kiss. Emily says, "dancing with him, it feels like just the two of us." It is, Emily. That's how dancing works.

--

Meet all of my best friends and the Indian chick that ABC hired.

On the group date, we go to a public park and find out that everyone gets to meet all of Emily's BFF's and the Indian chick who was in the first episode, who I'm not willing to concede is an actual friend yet. It doesn't help at all that, in this entire segment, she speaks approximately four words.

Her BFF's are going to meet and judge each of the men. This is the first realistic thing that has happened on the show, ever.

Allesandro and Emily are basically wearing matching t-shirts, which is quietly amazing.

Highlights of the girls judging the guys:

- The guys with kids aggressively playing the "I have a kid" card, basically answering any question at all with "I HAVE A KID."

- DJ N*SYNC popping and locking to show the girls why he'd be a great father, because that's logical.

- Her friend Wendy, making it clear that she's been drinking chardonnay in that coffee cup this morning when she goes from zero to aggressive sexual harassment in about two seconds with Sean. If Wendy could have thrown dollar bills at him, she would have. At one point, she logically asks him to take his shirt off, do push-ups and proceeds to sit on his back while he does.

Wendy probably hasn't had sex with her husband in over a year.

The guys then have to play with random children on a playground for a while to prove how good they are with kids while people look on and judge them.

Ryan the football player walks up to Emily and tells her that if she ever got fat when they were married, he'd be pissed and wouldn't sleep with her, because that's a sure fire way to win a television show based on romance.

Wendy hits on Ryan the football player, and pretty much all of us want Wendy to have her own television show by now.

They then go back to a bar named Butter to drink. Emily tells all of the guys that this has been one of her favorite dates. They've only been on one other group date, so she's actually correct by default. Emily may or may not be into exaggerating, and/or not being that smart of a human being.

Doug, the guy who's using his kid as bait to get laid, gets some time with Emily and starts his quest to be the guy with the saddest storyline ever. His Dad had epilepsy, he was a foster child and so forth. I cannot tell you how mesmerizing this would be if Doug, in a crazy twist, was Kaiser Soze'ing Emily and making his whole life up to get laid. He probably isn't, so I'm just a terrible person. Emily cries, because Doug's life is depressing.

And then, Tony, the other guy who's using his kid as bait to get laid, has a meltdown because he "misses his kid" and goes and cries about it in the alley. Doug starts to substantiate my Kaiser Soze theory and tells Tony that he should probably just go home. Tony then calls his son and yells into his cell phone like ghetto guys do on the bus.

Tony cries more.

Emily walks out and tells Tony that, the last time she was on a television show trying to marry someone, she sure would have appreciated it if he'd have sent her home if he wasn't into her at all and she was missing her child. She then sends him home in the most amazingly backhanded and awesome move.

Everyone talks about how great it was of Emily to do this for Tony, because if they don't say that they just look like guys on a television show that want to have sex with her. Which they are.

--

Let's go on a date at White Trash Disneyland and meet the OH MY GOD, is that seriously what Dolly Parton looks like these days?

Arie, the guy who does the thing that her dead husband did for a living, has the next one-on-one date with Emily. Before they go, he says that he's ready to "rev" things up with Emily. I get it, Arie. Because you're a race car driver.

They fly on a private jet to Dollywood, a theme park owned by Dolly Parton, because if you had a private jet that could fly you anywhere in the world, this is probably the first place you should go.

While there, they go to a theater where they are instructed to write a love song. After Emily writes horrible lyrics, Arie congratulates her like you would a 4 year old for pointing at a cow and saying "moo!"

At this point, Dolly Parton/a plastic surgery demon emerges on the stage and sings for them about love.

Emily says that Dolly Parton is her idol because she gets to wear costumes everyday.

To be clear, Emily is the one who said that at the age of 25, Gerard Butler was a little young, but her idol at the age of 26 is a woman who is dying of plastic surgery because she gets to wear costumes everyday.

Emily gives Arie a rose. He tries to go in for a kiss but gets the cheek and it's awkward. At least he didn't high five her.

They go out to a Carousel and make out on it for a while.

The entire time, all I can think of is the scene in Fear where Mark Whalberg deflowers Reese Witherspoon.

--

I'm not saying it's a compromise, but marrying you and having to adopt your daughter sounds sort of fucking miserable.

Back at the house we prepare for the rose ceremony, and finally the show is getting good. Highlights:

- Kalon, who we saw entirely too little of in this episode, has an amazing American Psycho moment when he interrupts Emily and says, "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." No one would be surprised if he murders hookers back home.

- The ostrich egg guy breaks the ostrich egg because it was creepy that he brought a fucking ostrich egg with him to the show. After she throws it, she says, "that was huge" and I'm angry that he doesn't say, "that's what she said." Regardless, I feel bad for him, because now he officially brings nothing to the table.

- For starters, Allesandro wears a black onyx thumb ring.

Moving on.

Allesandro tells Emily that marrying her would be a compromise for him. To be fair, it would be. Emily gets pissed and can't believe that someone would say that to her, because this is her princess ball and she gets to be pretty pretty princess and NO ONE ELSE DOES! She promptly kicks Allesandro off the show. In his exit interview, he says he is off to "live the life of a gypsy king." It's unclear if Allesandro speaks English very well, but we now know that he's left far too soon.

- Arie and Emily make out a bunch in the hall after this. Ryan the football player can't believe this and feels like it's a violation of their trust, because he's on a television show that began with 24 other men courting the same woman he was and he did not see that coming.

- Emily then makes out with Sean, the guy who does push-ups while drunk cougars sit on him, which is mesmerizing to me because if this was real life all of her friends would have called her a slut by now. But, this is television, so I guess we're all just totally cool with it and STD's aren't a thing in Narnia.

ELIMINATED:

MC N*SYNC, the guy who probably had a coke problem.

Allesandro, the guy who called himself a gypsy king and was being totally serious.

and Tony, one of the guys who was using his child as bait to get laid.

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

Allejandro. But, I guess there's some rule that only one Hispanic guy can be eliminated per episode. I'm pretty sure we haven't heard Allejandro speak yet, though. So, maybe him and the Indian lady have something going on.

The Last Samurai, because he doesn't have a personality and also, he wears his hair like Tom Cruise in the film The Last Samurai.

Wolf, because honestly, dude, you are NOT allowed to be called that if you aren't gonna start doing some wolf shit, okay? Like, that's it. We're done.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Jef with one F, because if he falls in love with Emily, he'll give one African child in need a wife in return.

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living.

and Sean, because he's simple and I'm pretty sure he's got a real shot.

If he doesn't, it's been made pretty clear that Wendy will have sex with him.

See you next week, everyone.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta. (Episode 2)

Episode 2: Hey, help me raise money for my dead husband's charity with The Muppets while my daughter watches and judges you on our first date. No pressure.

Where We Left Off

In the last episode, a woman (Emily) who has already played and won the television game "fall in love on television and get married" is introduced as the main character on a new season of "fall in love on television and get married". She is a widower with a daughter.

She met 22 white people and 3 carefully selected not-white-people. She eliminated six people from the show at the end of the episode by not giving them a boutonniere, because this is Cotillion.

Randy, the guy who dressed like a grandmother and then stripped for her.

The Token Black Guy, who was the token black guy.

Jean-Paul, who had as much of a shot of winning as I did.

Jackson, the guy who does sit-ups for a living.

David, a singer-songwriter who is terrible at both singing and songwriting.

and Brent, the 40 year old guy who had six fucking children already.

Starting this week, we were told things were really gonna heat up, because now we're going to start going on one-on-one dates so Emily can really get a feel for who she's going to marry, no really, for real this time, seriously, she's going to marry him this time, seriously.

Amongst the remaining guys, we mostly have to look forward to how far the two guys left who have children are willing to go in selling out their offspring to get laid and the fight between a guy who looks like Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC and a guy whose name is Kalon, which sounds like a character from Street Fighter II or Mortal Kombat.

The Recap

The episode opened with Emily casually going to meet up with some lady friends of hers to show us that, yeah: she's just one of the girls! One of them was Indian and looked like she didn't know Emily, even remotely, and was probably just asked to hang out by producers because everyone looked like they were from the film The Help otherwise. Emily hugged everyone but her before leaving.

We meet at the house, where the guys are informed that there will be one-on-one dates for Emily to get to know people better (Bachelorettes: They're just like us!). After this, there is a bunch of bro-fiving while they all hang out in a pool together with no chicks in a totally heterosexual way. One of the guys had a full back tattoo, which means he is probably a terrible person.

--

I'm not a Prize to be won, Ryan, but here's a rose that signifies you could win me.

The first date is with my original pick to win it all: ex-football player Ryan. To give people a horrific view into what they signed up for, Ryan gets to go to Emily's house, take in groceries and bake cookies for her daughter's soccer game.

Even though it's visible that Ryan is horrified, he does the thing any guy does when he just wants to get laid and says how much fun he's having and tells her he feels like they're "totally making a connection", even though it's almost statistically impossible to have made a connection by this point, as they've spoken 14.8 words to each other. When they're done baking, he says, "Finally, I can feel like a man again." Which is amazing because this isn't 1955.

--

Sidenote: the dates are, so far, my favorite part of The Bachelorette. Due to the insane pressure to not get eliminated, people make wild overstatements with no backing. If this was the real world, this would be fucking horrifying/is and it's called being a wet blanket.

Bachelorette: "Hi, my name is Em.."

Date: "Do you feel like we're connecting? I feel like we're connecting. I bought us a dog and made up things that happen in the future when we hang out that are adorable. Our first child's name is Amelia, because that's kinda like your name I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH."

--

Where was I. She tells him that he has to wait in the car because she's not ready for anyone to meet her child yet. She then proceeds to take a gigantic camera crew down to meet her daughter and exploit her on national television. Amazing.

They go to dinner at a restaurant where no one else is, because that is normal. She states that she doesn't want to be a prize to be won, even though she's on a show where the goal is to win the prize, which is the girl, so I don't think she gets it. He keeps saying how connected they are. They appear to have zero in common. So, obviously, she gives him a rose so that he won't be eliminated.

They then go outside where Emily's favorite band is casually playing a song with a message as blatant as Sebastian singing "Kiss the Girl". He does not kiss the girl. They awkwardly stand on an elevated stage in the middle of a crowd and dance. I now have zero faith in the fact that Ryan will win the Tournament de Emily. He's about as smart as…a football player.

--

Let's go on a group date that raises money for my dead husband's charity. Doesn't that sound like fun? Guys?

A select group of the other guys (Aaron, Alessanjandro, Charlie , Chris, Jef, John, Kalon, Kyle, Michael, Nate, Stevie and Tony) get to go on a group date with Emily later. As a fun idea, she decides that the group will raise money for her dead husband's charity by doing a variety show with the Muppets. No pressure. At this point, Stevie (the guy who looks like Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC) has to be absolutely jizzing his pants because he's an "MC" for a living/skeezes on 13 year old girls at Bar Mitzvah's. His reaction dictates this hypothesis.

Charlie, the guy who fell off of a building a few years ago and is still recovering apparently, has a panic attack because his speech therapy since the fall is still coming along. I'll just say it: if Charlie started speaking like the Hulk, I wouldn't be even remotely surprised. "Charlie upset. Charlie hungry. Charlie no want talk on show with fuzzy animal thing. CHARLIE WANT GIRL FOR MARRY." Here's a tip: don't go on a fucking television show requiring you to speak your way to marriage if this is going to be a problem. No. I'm not feeling bad for that.

They do the show which I don't even want to waste words on. It's a show with The Muppets and a bunch of wildly untalented guys who just signed up to try and have sex with a hot girl. It's insulting to people who like The Muppets. Jim Henson saw this in heaven and threw his remote at the TV and broke it and flailed with his arms in the air as he ran to his room and locked the door and hasn't come out yet. She has her daughter in the audience to see all of the guys. The one she doesn't want to introduce anyone to yet.

Random other note: Chris, one of the contestants, looks like Gerard Butler.

--

Everyone hates Kalon and Stevie is probably a coke head.

After the show, everyone sits and has drinks as they try to talk to Emily one by one.

She sits with Gerard Butler and says to him, "One of the things I like about you is that, you're sooooo good looking." That's actually something she said. So, there's that.

She then has a heart to heart with entrepreneurial Jef with one F and it turns out I don't hate him, which in turn makes me hate myself. No, wait, then they interview one F and he says…

"Tonight was the best talk I've had with her yet. It was probably the best talk anybody has had with her yet."

Nope, nevermind. You're a total douchebag who spells his name with one F.

M.C. NSYNC takes time to slow dance with Emily, while they joke about what songs they would be dancing to if this were high school, and she says "NSYNC", which I find to be an amazing slip. Even Emily thinks this d-bag looks like Chris Kirkpatrick. Kalon steals her as they dance.

M.C. NSYNC may or may not be on 14 pounds of cocaine.

Kalon and M.C. NSYNC have an argument about manners on a TV show where 25 men vie for the attention of a lady. M.C. NSYNC tells Kalon that he strongly dislikes him, to which Kalon responds:

"I wouldn't like me either if I were you bro, but fortunately I'm me."

Which, sadly? Is a pretty great bro-diss.

We later see people around a pool talking about things, when Kalon tells Doug, the guy who is using his kid as bait to get laid by a woman who also has a kid, that he's a bad Dad, which, to be fair, is wildly accurate. Don't look now, but Kalon is fantastic.

Doug tells him to "stop right there" and to "just check it" and may or may not start rapping at any minute. He is wearing black sneakers around a swimming pool in what appears to be 100 degree weather. So.

--

Emily and Joe have a one on one. Joe is worthless and probably really bad at job interviews.

Here's all you need to know about Emily's one-on-one date with the guy who may or may not have a made up profession as a "field energy advisor".

- Joe is dumb and uninteresting.

- When Emily asks where Joe sees himself in five years, he says he'd like to be where they are with her family, to which she responds, "He said he wanted to meet my family! That's like, my dream!" To be clear: Emily's dream guy will say that he wants to meet her family. That's it.

- Emily doesn't pick Joe and cries about it because she feels bad. Joe was worthless and she basically just put down a dog. It's cool, Emily, he has tons of energy to advise in the field.

--

I'm going to fire a few of you from getting laid by me, ever.

In the lead-up to the rose ceremony, Emily meets with a few of the guys one last time. Notables:

Ryan, the football player who I used to love but he broke my heart because he's stupid, wrote Emily a 7 page letter that ends "Love in Christ" (which is in no way creepy) and he demands that she read the entire thing while he sits there, or else it gets the hose again.

Tony, a.k.a. the other guy who's using his kid as bait to get laid, then sits and says to her, "Did you know I had a kid? YOU have a kid? This is crazy! Let's bang." That's the gist of it, anyway.

The eliminations go down, and only two need to go because Joe who wants to meet her family has already been eliminated and is advising energy elsewhere.

ELIMINATED:

Joe, the field energy guy who is oh fine i'm wearing out that joke.

Aaron, the Canadian who is poor that wears hipster glasses.

and Kyle, the worthless financial advisor whose friends are probably like, "Have you ever had to hang out with Kyle alone? He's so awkward, man."

SURPRISINGLY NOT ELIMINATED:

One half of Allesanjandro. Either/or. Wildly worthless, but still in play because otherwise we might have a lawsuit on our hands.

The ostrich egg guy who didn't have the ostrich egg this time. Fuck you, ostrich egg guy, for your broken promise. (see what I did there?)

Wolf (dude is not living up to his nickname, making it more and more apparent that it was self-imposed).

Professional ex-alcoholic, mainly because he should be embarrassed that he wears his hair in a ponytail the way Tom Cruise did in The Last Samurai.

FRONTRUNNERS:

Jef with one F, as much as I hate to admit it.

Arie, because he still does the thing that her dead husband did for a living and they also showed them making out in the "scenes from next week's episode" so I'm cheating.

See you next week, everyone. Hopefully way earlier than Thursday. Sorry about that.

The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta.

I love really horrible smutty television. There. I said it.

My admitting this is sort of like a southerner waving a confederate flag saying, "This might come as a bit of a shocker, but I'm kinnnnda racist."

Sure. I subscribe to US Weekly. I've written entire 2,000+ word diatribes about how feminine I am. I'm not really throwing you a curveball here (or DID I by adding in a sports metaphor? HEY-o!).

I don't know, though. It's like people have a problem with admitting these kinds of things these days. I'm usually one of them. Because the other side of trashy, smutty television me is the guy who goes to see films at places that allow you to buy a glass of wine with my "independent cinema". The other side of me is the guy that enjoys listening to bands you haven't heard of yet.

I mean. I'm that guy.

Sometimes, though, I just want to shut-off and watch some good old fashioned crap. Which is sort of just what you did when you were a kid.

Think about it. Kids sit in front of the television and watch either a dragon that tells them how to say the letter R or a street that's infested with mythical creatures that sometimes live in trash cans and/or are giant talking birds.

That's how I'd like my entertainment. I want it to be like Teletubbies where things are colorful and just run around and maybe talk, but for the most part I get what they're doing because I understand simple gestures and read Highlights magazine when I was 8.

That's exactly what reality television is: Teletubbies with breasts and simplistic, formulaic human emotions that can mostly be understood with the volume off.

It's a guilty pleasure, and it's always a guaranteed trainwreck.

And I love a good trainwreck. Hell, everyone does, man. Because trainwreck's make you feel like a "not trainwreck", and that's something that we're all searching for daily. We all just want something, ANYTHING that makes us feel like we're doing it right and someone else is doing it wrong. The good news is, someone makes a living doing that for us.

They just might not really know it.

Since I'm  just going with it and openly accepting my love of crap, I've decided to jump into the shallow end of the pool head first (see what I did there?).

I'm going to review this season of The Bachelorette on a weekly basis. 

I have never watched an episode of a single season of the show, but it seems pretty simple: people are terrible and will do anything to get married and/or be on television and get famous. The guys on it are basically a laundry list of everyone you (re: I) have ever disliked because they are a douchebag 97.34% of the time, yet are still having sex with really attractive women. The show is what real life would be like if you could be eliminated by a hot girl at the end of the day for not being awesome. I feel like employers should probably just put hot women at work who judge men on a daily basis, because I feel like men would work a lot harder if they knew an attractive woman could dump him from his job at the end of the day. I digress.

Welcome to The Bachelorette, Reviewed by a Guy. Sorta.

(Want an in-depth analysis of the show? That's impossible, because it's a show called "The Bachelorette". Instead, I'm going to just go through the 25 guys and the main event herself and discuss my opinions on them and their likelihood of getting a rose, which is what she gives them if she kinda/sorta wants to do them.)

Episode #1: 25 dudes try to get a girls attention shamelessly. So, you know. Every night at a bar.

The Bachelorette: Emily Maynard

How She Was Introduced On The ShowRiding a horse because that's what people from the south do.

Chances of Winning: Not 100%, shockingly.

Emily was on The Bachelor a few years ago and was picked, but the guy who was said bachelor had anger management problems and wasn't marriage material, which is in no way ironic when you are on a television show that requires only that you not be a total shitbag.

She's attractive and oddly normal for a woman who has willingly chosen to find her husband AND marry him FOR THE SECOND TIME on national television. As a guy who has no shot with her whatsoever, and probably  zero common interests (unless you count the fact that we both love to breath and eat ice cream, which I'm just assuming for the latter part), I'd still find her sort of dateable, which seems like why they picked her. She's a fembot in a good way.

Her first husband died in a plane crash and she's a single mother so if you say anything bad about her every woman on the Internet/ever will hate you.

The fact that she has a daughter is going to basically restrict anyone from having sex with her. Any guy tuning into the show hoping for a slutty girl is going to be totally bummed out by this season because she actually has standards and is a good person (if you aren't picking up on it yet, i'm pretty much talking about myself this entire time).

---

Emily met 25 guys in a row, one by one, as they got out of a limo because that's how real life works.

It's pretty great, because they all walk up and have to pretend like they didn't watch episodes from the season she was in, knowing every little thing about her and basically tipping their hand that they've stalked the shit out of her prior to this.

So, basically: modern dating.

Below is my general take on each of them.

(Sidenote: I grabbed these pictures from ABC's site. Each bio had a category named "Number of Tattoos." Like, that was a real category in their bio. That was what they deemed "possibly a deciding factor.")

Name: Aaron

Occupation: Biology Teacher/Being Canadian

Chances of Winning: Nope.

Aaron has zero chance of winning. He is from Canada and he's poor (because he's a teacher), which just feels like a dog with three legs. His bio on ABC says that "sometimes he prepares too much for the future and doesn't live enough for today when I can enjoy it most", which is a crafty, wordsmith-y way of saying "I'm pretty not into committing and love to have sex before we have time to think about the ramifications emotionally." He wore gigantic ray-ban wayfarer eye glass frames with what appeared to be no glass in them. Which, let's face it, I find commendable. However, Emily is not from the Mission or Park Slope, so I'm not sure what he's angling for here.

*Update: I researched the episode again (okay, okay, fast forwarded through on a DVR where yeah, it still lives in my home) and realized it says he's from LA. It's amazing, the information online vs. what these guys put on TV is absolutely astounding. They all seem to be sort of lying...WHO SAW THAT COMING?!?

Name: Allejandro (wait for the next one)

Occupation: Hispanic

Chances of Winning: Nah, but he'll stick around because he's not white.

Allejandro was that guy who had a mohawk and sort of tried to act more Hispanic than he was. I respect it: producers probably have to keep you if you're "not white", so he just went for it. I suspected on looks that  he goes to clubs with one word names like "spill" with a lowercase "s". After reading on his ABC bio that he "goes big", I suspected correctly.  When I found out he was from San Francisco, I was excited because I live in San Francisco too! and then I liked him. Then the goldfish knee-jerk reaction wore off and I was over him. He didn't get much air time, so, meh.

Name: Allesandro (no, seriously)

Occupation: The Other Latin Guy On The Show/Grain Merchant

Chance of WinningIncredibly doubtful.

To be clear: The show has Allesandro and Allejandro. They shall move forward as Allesanjandro.

He did the cliche "beso me mucho" thing where he said a really generic line in "not english" and we're all supposed to be whhHoOoAhHh totally impressed. Fuck that. Try harder. He was nice enough though, and it's pretty clear that she made the choice to keep the two latinos as opposed to the black guy. We'll get to that later.

Name: Arie

Occupation: The Thing Her Husband Who Died In A Plane Crash Did, Which Is In No Way Fucked Up Of The Producers To Do.

Chance of Winning: High, Because He Does The Thing Her Husband Who Died In A Plane Crash Did, Which Is In No Way Fucked Up Of The Producers To Do.

Arie was picked because he is a racecar driver and Emily's ex-husband who died in a plane crash was also a racecar driver and oh my god have I voiced my opinion on how fucked up this is yet??!? Arie, while entirely uninteresting, will no doubt stick around because this is basically The Truman Show becoming a reality. He had a lot of shots walking around in slow motion on a race track, which means he does that in real life, too.

Name: Brent

Occupation: Technology Salesman/Being Way Too Old For A Show Named "The Bachelorette"

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

Brent was somewhere over 40 years old and had six children. HOLY SHIT, Brent, that's a red flag. YOU HAVE SIX KIDS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON A TELEVISION SHOW NAMED THE BACHELORETTE? He cried when he was eliminated, because for some reason he was surprised that a busty blonde 26 year old wasn't into adopting a Mormon entourage.

Name: Charlie

Occupation: Recruiter/The guy who almost died in what may or may not have been an accident we feel sorry for, but he was wayyyyy too vague about it so we'll be shallow and assume he was doing something fratty and while we're happy he's not dead, we're not wildly surprised.

Chance of Winning: So so. He had an endearing moment with a dog, so that has to count for something.

I have no read on Charlie. I want to feel bad, because he had some tragic accident. But he also seems like he's gonna be the dude who pulls the mega-ultra-sketchy shit later where he's kind of a d-bag and we should have seen that coming. Like, the guy who says that women should be in the kitchen in hocks on into his spit-tooooon. Also: i'm probably entirely wrong and he's a nice person, but that's way less fun to write about and we're writing about a show where people try to marry people on TV. So.

Name: Chris

Occupation: Corporate Sales/The Finest Beard Management, Ever.

Chance of Winning: With a beard like that, it's hard to lose. At least in the first few episodes.

Chris made bobblehead doll replicas of himself and Emily and made them talk to each other as bobbleheads together. In any other situation, this would be considered the creepiest. shit. ever. But this is TV, so, I guess women just roll with it. Chris, just in general, has the look of a "reality television show guy". I'm pretty sure his degree in college was "reality television show guy" and then he accidentally got a job in something that wasn't a reality television show. He has all of the looks of a contender: good looking, seemingly not too dumb, referenced that he asked his parents for advice on love. He's the chocolate chip cookie at the bakery: all else fails? You could probably buy some chocolate chip cookies and no one is gonna hate you when you get home with the bag. He appears to shave every 14.2 seconds but leaves a little stubble each time just in case he needs to be in a Gilette commercial where he strokes his face repeatedly and smiles in a mirror. At least he has a future.

Name: David

Occupation: Not A Good Singer/Songwriter.

Chance of Winning: It was like, -4,989% before he even showed up. ELIMINATED.

My favorite thing about David is that he was like the guy you know has failed at about 13 other reality shows and this was going to be his bread and butter. "I write love songs, she wants to fall in love, THIS IS MY MOMENT." The problem is, David is the worst singer/songwriter of all time. When talking about how he loves to write music, they showed a video of him hitting three keys on a keyboard while he did this:

"EmilllyyYyyY. EMILLYYYYYY. EmiLlLlLlL-heee-heee-y. EMILY."

Right now, if we had a keyboard and walked out to any street where bums are prevalent, handed them a keyboard and told them to sing about anything....like, they could sing about a pigeon...they'd be better at it than David. I am only unhappy he didn't move forward because I would have loved to hear a more polished version of "EmilllyyYyyY. EMILLYYYYYY. EmiLlLlLlL-heee-heee-y. EMILY (The Remix)."

Name: Doug

Occupation: Charity Director/Clearly Not That Great Of A Guy Because He's Using His Child Mercilessly As Bait

Chance of Winning: Great, Because He's Clearly Not That Great Of A Guy Because He's Using His Child Mercilessly As Bait

Doug had a plan from the get go. I'm actually terrified, because I'm pretty sure Doug saw the season of The Bachelor that Emily was on and adopted a child for the possibilty of a future season she'd star in. Honestly, Doug mentioned his child back home at least 48 times and even brought out a letter written by the child TO EMILY. HOW IS THIS NOT CREEPY AS SHIT? Also, my greatest hope? There is no child. I'm praying to God that Doug is crazy as shit and has no children, that he's writing these letters in broken English and poor handwriting to woo her. Try and tell me that discovery wouldn't be the best thing to happen to TV since Clarissa Explains It All. Anyway, Doug probably goes to the top 3.

Name: Jackson

Occupation: He does sit-ups for a living.

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

I'm not even sure Jackson knows he was on the show yet. Either that, or he just tried to get eliminated so for his exit interview he could be like "check out these abs, guys." Which he did. Jackson does not eat, he's very attractive, and it's unclear yet as to whether he can read a book. But, hey. If guys are allowed to like dumb girls, girls are allowed to like dumb guys. Clearly just on the show so he can get a spot in the back row of the next Insanity DVD.

Name: Jean-Paul

Occupation: Fish Knower.

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

Jean-Paul wore a bad suit and was a marine biologist. I don't know. Did he ever have a fighting chance? He was a smart guy showing up to kegs n' eggs. Seems like that wasn't going to work from the beginning. Oddly, on his exit interview, he got really emotional and I didn't see that coming. Arguably, he's Kaiser Soze. But I guess we'll never know.

Name: Jef

Occupation: Entrepre-Oh SHUT the fuck up with that, Jef.

Chance of Winning: 99%

First of all, there are two f's in Jeff, Jef. Strike 1. Jef rode up to the event on a skateboard grabbing the bumper of a limo. Christ. Strike 2. Then there's the fact that he's an entrepreneur. I just. I hate that term. It's so vague. It's such a cop out. Saying "I'm an entrepreneur" to everyone else is insinuating that you are, in fact, not ambitious, but I am. I want to be a fireman, Jef, but I don't go around telling people that. To be fair, he owns the Tom's Shoes of water, but I am patiently waiting for him to say "I also have a champagne company that, for every glass we drink, will give one glass of champagne to a small African child in need." He will, no doubt, at some point reference his travels to some place with a well in Africa/Guatemala and he will definitely make it to the final 3. He's "the real guy" that's "so not like her, but that's what she's here for, to take a chance!" I will love to hate Jef for the entirety of this show because I'm an asshole.

Name: Joe

Occupation: Field Energy Advisor, which sounds made up.

Chance of Winning: 1%

Joe did this obnoxious dance thing when he showed up. After a little research on ABC, he answered one of the questions they asked him with three exclamation marks. His occupation sounds like he read three words randomly on a resume and put them together to make a sentence. Joe, you lost before you got there.

Name: John/"The Wolf"

Occupation: Data Destruction Specialist. So, a paper shredder.

Chance of Winning: 50% on being named "The Wolf" alone.

Besides the fact that he told everyone his friends called him "The Wolf", there was nothing memorable about The Wolf. I'm kinda bummed, really, because it's a great nickname and it feels like it was wasted on the guy who no one really cares about. Maybe I'm wrong and he howls at the rose ceremony next episode. Who knows. For now, Wolf? I'm wildly disappointed in you. Do better. Name: Kalon

Occupation: King of the Douches

Chance of Winning: Winning? No. Staying on the show? Extremely high.

While everyone else showed up in a limo, Kalon flew in on a helicopter, which is kinda like showing up to the prom in a hummer. Per the code of reality television, he is "the guy that everyone hates on the show, even the viewers". He is a "luxury brand consultant", which means he probably sells Hugo Boss dress shirts at Bloomingdales and or is unemployed and has a trust fund, which is highly likely because his name is Kalon. In his interview, he said "he used to be a douche, but now he's different and wants to show the world", which means he's just a bigger douche. Kalon will stick around because they can't afford for him to leave: he's that hateable. I can't wait to see the manufactured fights they make with him.

Name: Kyle

Occupation: Financial Advisor

Chance of Winning: 50-75%

Even after re-watching, I have no real take on Kyle either way. I don't dislike him, I don't like him more than others, but I just know that he's just kind of...there. I dunno. I could care less about Kyle, but he is in the money industry so he's got that going for him.

Name: Lerone

Occupation: The Token Black Guy

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

Oh, Lerone. You were picked by the producers to be the token, but you got out-latino'd by Allesanjandro. We were all rooting for you to stick around for that awkward moment in reality television when a white guy says something that's a little too "not okay" for a white guy to say, considering there are at least 4 southern guys on the show. You tried, buddy. We commend you.

Name: Michael

Occupation: Rehab Consultant,which is a polite way of saying "I've been to rehab."

Chance of Winning: 25%

His hair is more beautiful than most women and he's wearing an argyle cardigan in his picture. Honestly, all I remember about Michael was that he has nice hair. And Rehab Consultant sort of sounds like "Not Drinking Alcohol Anymore Expert". Just sayin'.

Name: Nate

Occupation: Accountant

Chance of Winning: 95%

This was the one guy that Emily was visibly into. If it were the end of the night at a bar, she would have gone home with Nate. Other than that, did Nate speak? Who knows. The thing is: he's got the one thing going for him that no one else seemed to....he's got the "guy that she inexplicably wants to do" thing. And that will take you far in this world. Nate is an early runner for the "Moby Dick" award: she wants him, and won't stop until she at least hooks up with him. I have oddly high hopes for Nate.

Name: Randy

Occupation: Marketing Manager, which blows your mind after his entrance.

Chance of Winning: ELIMINATED

Randy showed up wearing a grandma costume and then stripped down to Randy, but he did the thing where he couldn't get the costume off easily and was sweating a lot. Also: he dressed as a grandma and tore his clothes off in an attempt to get a woman to have sex with him.  Shockingly, Randy was eliminated.

Name: Ryan

Occupation: Ex-Football Player

Chance of Winning: 99%

Ryan is my pick. He used to play football (she's into athletes), now he works with kids (she has one of those) but he doesn't HAVE kids (because she wants to have 4,298 more kids), and his intro was well done.  Look, sometimes, you just know when you're a guy watching a show called The Bachelorette and you're writing a 4,000 word column on it, which is in no way worrisome: this is the guy who is at least going top 2. He was engineered for tabloids, too. You can thank me when you see the "what was Ryan like in his playing days!" page in US Weekly.

Name: Sean

Occupation: Insurance Agent

Chance of Winning: I have no idea.

I'm pretty sure Sean was the guy who interrupted Kalon the helicopter guy while he was talking to Emily, which provoked a cat fight with creepy DJ guy who looks like the guy no one remembers from NSYNC, which will get to in a minute. Point being, he seemed nice enough, and Kalon was a dick to him, so. I guess he doesn't lose yet, and he says "ma'am" so that helps because she's southern.

Name: Stevie

Occupation: "MC". So, probably a Bar Mitzvah DJ.

Chance of Winning: There Aren't Enough Zeros Percent.

Stevie came in with a boombox on his shoulder dancing around like he was at a homecoming dance. He without a doubt roofies underaged girls and looks way too much like Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC. He has absolutely no chance of winning, but he's exciting because he's creepily into hating Kalon the helicopter guy. I couldn't be more excited for their upcoming arguments, and I hope someone asks him to sing Dirty Pop at some point, prompting him to have a nervous meltdown where he starts screaming that he is not Christ Kirkpatrick.

Name: Tony

Occupation: He buys wood.

Chance of Winning: 50% only because he has a kid.

Tony was the other guy who was using his kid from a previous failed marriage as bait. He is a next-level douche who brought a slipper with him (OMG Cinderella GET IT?)and he's one of the guys who used working out as half of his "about me" video. I love the guys using their children as bait, because this is ALSO seemingly a strong indication that you are a terrible life partner and someone chose to raise the child they had with you separately from you. It's like a neon sign that says "look, I'm a bad decision in all probability", at least when you're on a God damn TV show about getting married. I hope he saw Doug's letter from his child stunt, called home immediately and threatened his child with no allowance until he, too, wrote Emily a letter.

Name: Travis

Occupation: Advertising, so making fun of his job would be making fun of myself.

Chance of Winning: 2% just because 1% seemed boring.

Travis, by far, was the highlight of a show. He brought a fucking ostrich egg and said he would hold it and never let it break the entirety of his time on the show because it's a symbol of their love. That is some next level crazy shit, like a girl showing up to a date with pictures of the two of you photoshopped in wedding pictures (which, actually, someone has probably already done on Pinterest). The best part of this is that clearly the egg is going to break, and it's going to be the best episode of all time when it does. If you're going to bring an ostrich egg to a first date, you're never going to get laid, let alone married.

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So, 4,000 words later, that's where we stand.Moving forward I think we have a pretty interesting field, and I'm looking forward to finally knowing who's "just like us" in US Weekly this season.

I promise to say less in the next post. So, you know. 3,999 words.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 60: If you're going to bring an ostrich egg to a first date, you're never going to get laid.

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Or.

Download the entire thing in adorable little MP3′s right here.