Swimsuits Are Already Underpants

Valet Parking My Car In A Dirty Parking Garage  = Missing The Point Since I apparently have a deathwish, I went to go shopping in Union Square in SF last Saturday. Seeing as I live about six blocks from said place, I also thought it'd be genius to drive there (I just didn't feel like getting punched by a bum on the 19 that day, which actually occurred once. Okay, pushed aggressively). As I circled the parking garage to find a spot, I became rather confused that everything was roped off and unavailable. When I got to the top, I was greeted by four cheery men...who informed me that they'd be glad to valet my car for free. A few things on this:

1) Seriously? They offer valet parking in a crappy downtown garage? So you want to charge me not only to place my vehicle in a rectangle for about 48 minutes, but you also then want to charge me so that you can drive my vehicle TO the rectangle? Oh, what's that? You offer no guarantees that I will leave with everything that was in my car when I got here? Way to be accountable! No, this seems totally fair. Also, bums live in here, piss all over the place, and may feel like stabbing me if I turn a corner wrong. I would DEFINITELY pay double for this opportunity. No, no disconnect there at all: this reeks of classy. Valet away.

2) Don't tell me that the valet service is free. That's like a guy telling a girl at a bar that they should just go back to his place, and then when she says no because she knows that he then expects her to put out later, him telling her that they can just cuddle. They are lying. I don't believe that I don't have to pay you, valet man. Stop saying we can just cuddle and then asking me for five bucks later.

3) Fuck real estate, this is the best investment on the planet right now. I should just start buying parking spots in random places and charging people...boom. Billionaire. $3.50 to enter the lot? Totally fair. I'm going to start randomly walking up to people on the street and talking to them, and when they try to leave the conversation I'm going to say "Time not paid. That was $3.50 in conversation." Oh, you didn't even enjoy the conversation and wanted to just see if there was someone else more enjoyable to talk to? Nope. You're fucked. $3.50. Die, Parking Garage owners.

Brunch Is A Blatant Excuse For Alcoholism

I love how brunch is an excuse for blatant alcoholism. By writing this, I've now just lowered my chances of getting laid by about 1000% (which docks me to about a -9004% chance) because every girl on the planet loves brunch and it's all they ever want to do. Brunch is considered not only luxurious, but also a totally socially acceptable way to drink before noon. You're not hitting the bottle WAY too early. Nope. put a strawberry in any alcohol and order a fancy form of french toast that has some whipped marscapone on it (when do you ever eat marscapone? ) and all of the sudden you're classy. This strikes me as odd. This is what I don't get about fancy brunch: why is it that I should want very small portions and just a little bit of alcohol to cure the fact that I drank too much alcohol the night before? Shouldn't I want lots of food and, if we're going for it, a lot of alcohol so I can just be drunk again?

If your grandpa did this (this being going to brunch, apparently, which...apparently I don't think old people can do?), wouldn't everyone say "Oh man. Grandpa Albert is an alky. That dude just drinks like, all the time"? I'm pretty sure if a family member was just pounding booze on Tuesday at 10am, I'd be a tad concerned.

I'm going to just start showing up to work with a bud light in a glass with a strawberry in it. When people ask me if everything's okay, I'm just going to say, "Of course it is! We're at brunch!" Take that, alcoholism. I win again.

Swimsuits Are Already Underpants

People who wear underpants underneath their board shorts confuse me. Swimsuits are already underpants. Do you wear underpants beneath your underpants when you wake up and go to work? Do you wear a pair of jeans underneath your suit before you go to work? That seems silly, right? When you are going into a body of water, and you decide to put on a swimsuit, take a gamble and maybe take your underpants off and just wear the swimsuit. That's the point of the swimsuit: so that you aren't wearing your regular clothes underwater. Knock it off, Tobias Fünke. You look ridiculous.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 20: Songs That Don't Wear Underpants Underneath Their Underpants

Listen to the whole shebang at the link up there, or you can download all of the mp3's right here.

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.