Sorry, I only deliver my 8 dollar coffee table to "no I don't."

Either people on craigslist are missing the point, or I'm going to a creepy flea market and complaining about it being creepy. During my recent move, I figured I'd sell some stuff that doesn't fit in my apartment. This consisted of basically anything that wasn't my underpants and my "anything that wasn't my underpants." The logical place to do this? The internet's burning man: craigslist.

Now don't get me wrong. I hate burning man, so that's a bit harsh to craig and his "not that attractive at first glance but it has a GREAT personality" list. I have seen the magical wheels of craigslist in motion. I've bought concert tickets. I've read the rants. Golf claps, Craig. You are hours of entertainment.

However, trying to sell things on there for this particular go-round has mainly involved:

- Talking to people who don't get simple concepts like "reading".

- Dealing with people who do not understand that I am in no way willing to do anything to personally accommodate your needs in order for you to purchase my posted item.

A few direct shout outs to my favorite responders.

- To the guy who wanted to buy my $8.00 coffee table (that cost me $100) but only if I was willing to deliver it to South San Francisco (and I quote) "ASAP!!" (yes I'm serious, two exclamation points): Stephanie Tanner called. How rude. Honestly, guy? It's an eight dollar coffee table. I would expend less money buying a burrito, eating it off of the coffee table and then throwing the coffee table out of my window. No. I do not want to drive to your home to deliver something I'm clearly not even interested in delivering to my own new home. Please get in touch with "anyone who delivers anything": that costs money. Even pizza...THE TIP IS HOW THEY FOOL YOU, GUY.

- I was trying to sell an audio receiver. In the post, I included a summary of the machine from amazon.com entitled "specs", a picture of the machine, and what part of the city I live in to pick it up. This was, by far, the most amazing email chain I have ever been on.

(completely non-fabricated material, that's the best part.)

From: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Date: Monday, May 3rd To: sales1712-ntaxkl@craigslist.org Subject: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

Hey,what are specs of the receiver?

-- From: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Date: Monday, May 3rd To: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Subject: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale. Hey there, The specs were that first link. Titled, "specs." Let me know if you're interested.

--

From: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Date: Monday, May 3rd To: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Subject: re: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

Interested in the buy. Can you tell me what the receiver looks like? I have 30 dollars to spend.

--

From: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Date: Monday, May 3rd To: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Subject: re: re: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

There is a gigantic picture attached to the post. I also wrote that the receiver could be seen "in the picture attached to this post" in case that wasn't clear. I asked for $150, so $30 seems a scosh low.

--

From: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Date: Monday, May 3rd To: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Subject: re: re: re: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

I will take it for $20. Can you tell me what part of the city it's located in?

--

From: andrewhoolhorst@gmail.com Date: Monday, May 3rd To: (anonymous craigslist buyer) Subject: re: re: re: re: re: Yamaha RX-V465 for sale.

Seriously? Did you just ask three questions about the only three things listed in the post? Did you read the post, or do you just aimlessly click "respond" and ask random questions on random posts?

--

No response yet. Let me tell you, I'm waiting with bated breath on that one. I can only hope he asks what the item for sale is in the next reply.

Also, yes. I'm a smarmy asshole in real life, too.

The Toyota Prius finally gained the freshman 15.

Is it me, or has the Toyota Prius finally become that hot girl who gained 15 pounds, had two kids, isn't a cheerleader and REALLY doesn't look like her yearbook picture anymore?

Remember when (if you live anywhere near California, this hits home) there were maybe two hondas, four ironic people who drove hummers to safeway to grab a bag of groceries, and then everyone else in the state owned a Prius? Like, there was no other option? Just a bunch of quiet little "holy shit someone's gonna get hit by that thing because it's too damn quiet" cars whizzing around?

You don't see as many of them out there on the road anymore. Turns out people discovered that other people make hybrid vehicles. Or just...vehicles. In general. Also turns out that people learned that the one little thing Toyota forgot about doing with that car was making sure that you probably won't die in it. Because you know what's ironic? Saving the earth's life but dying in a car crash in the process. You know what's even more ironic? You're still driving a fucking car: this is not saving the earth's life.

That's like being upset that you are fat, saying you're going to do something to change that, so instead you eat two bowls of ice cream a day instead of the four you were eating. You know what you won't get? Not fat.

I'm not sure if that metaphor worked at all. Since you and I are both wondering too hard if it did? It didn't.

*editor's note: I say this all after I bought a diesel car last year. Keep in mind I did this in no way to save the earth. I wanted the tax break and a sunroof. I will not buy a hybrid car until it flies in the air and Doc yells the word gigawatts at me riding shotgun. Otherwise, I see no point to these vehicles yet. As of now, they are nothing but silent cars driven predominantly by assholes. (except for you, Lesley.)

A woman who takes pictures of herself naked  making a sex tape is not a sex tape: it's a home video.

Hey, Kendra Wilkinson. Let's play the honesty game. You pose for pictures nude. Making a "reality television show" after you posed naked in pictures does not now make you an actress. Therefore, moving pictures of you having sex is not a leaked sex tape. That is a home video. Thank you. Good day.

On that note.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 27: People On Craigslist Don't Read Good.

Stream the whole thing at the link above.

Download all the songs in good looking mp3's here.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.