My friend randomly said "Shiga!" a while back over g-chat. We kept talking for a minute, and then I stopped to clarify whatever had just happened. Drew: "Wait, what is 'shiga'?"
Mer: "You know, like 'shiga shigaaaa'."
Drew: "Like, Ferris Bueller 'shig, shiga shigaaaaaa?'"
Mer: "Yeah, say it out loud."
(We don't talk for about a minute.)
Drew: "That feels incredible."
From that point on, we just started randomly texting or writing at random times: "Shiga!" And every single time, it makes my day. And also makes me realize that I'm one of the weirdest people in the world. But I'm just really grateful that there are so many other weird one's out there.
Here's the random crap I've been thinking of.
1. I don't trust people that still have hotmail accounts. If I receive an email from you from a hotmail account, i'll just assume:
- You have no concern for how people perceive you. Just in general.
- You don't have a job, and aren't trying that hard to get one.
- You may or may not be a child molester or an online predator who wanted to find some young people, so you turned to "hotmail" to make a credible online personality.
- You watch movies on VHS, and it's not ironic. You just honestly still have a VCR. (you love previews, what can you say!)
2. Everytime I walk through BART's fare gates, I am terrified one is going to close as fast as it can on me and crush me. Try and tell me this thing doesn't look like a terrifying human death trap WAITING to shatter your hips.
I just imagine an evil robot waiting for his moment. Wondering if i'll lazily hang back jusssst long enough for him to destroy me.
Also: I'm 29 years old.
3. It is not okay to ride a razor scooter in public, especially if you are over the age of "not a child." It isn't. This is a trend in San Francisco lately. And I don't get it. It's an entirely inefficient device. You know who rides scooters? Children who don't wear business suits. You look absolutely ridiculous. Please, just get a bike or walk. Stop straddling the middle. Commit to something. We're trying to help.
4. Oriental isn't allowed to be a "flavor" of potato chip. There are many flavors of the orient. Please specify. We don't have "Jewish" flavor, or "Russian" flavor. Do I kinda get where you're going? Sure. I just feel like I don't know which flavor of the orient I'm getting. It's confusing. I feel like you got stoned and decided that you'd just name the product later.
Kettle Chip Manager: "Hey, Bob, what are we going with for that flavor of potato chip?"
Bob: "Oh, ummm....Ori...Oriental. Let's go with Oriental. (fuck.)"
5. I'm pretty sure I have no idea what "chagrin" means, yet totally act like I do in casual conversation. I will often tell you that much to MY chagrin, I can't believe that (blank) is happening in my life. I'm saying this because the other day, I was writing a co-worker an email and put "much to my chagrin" in there. And immediately thought: what's your chagrin, Drew? I'm blown away that sometimes you can know exactly what a turn-of-phrase means, yet have no idea what the word you just said actually means.
6. I can sort of understand when women say there are too high of standards for how they look when we actually have things called a size ZERO. That's impossible. "What are you? Oh you have no waist at all? So you're dead. Great, let me grab you a pair of pants for that." I just feel like maybe we need a different system. Because zero seems like a pair of pants for babies.
7. When you make your coffee in the morning, and put the lid on just enough so that it's not fully on, and then you sit down and coffee flies all over your hand and pants...that's the worst. The worst.
8. I'm blown away by whoever has the job of "creating spam mail and or blog comments" for a living. What do you tell your friends?
Spamming Professional: "Yeah, I've been looking for a job doing some freelance work. In the meantime, I just randomly write people in the voice of a Kenyan who has $20,000,000 dollars I'd like to share, a person who has the best penis pills or sometimes I just don't even make complete sentences. It's work until I get a real job, you know?"
While we're on the subject..
9. I think it's even more fascinating that people make money modeling for stock photography. I often have to look up stock photos for my job. And the searching is actually half the fun. Because you type in, literally, what a two year old would if you showed them a picture. It's almost like playing charades with a website...I just randomly start shouting things at it until I'm right and find the picture I actually need. BURGLAR! BURGLAR WITH CROWBAR! BURGLAR BREAKING WINDOW! ANGRY BURGLAR! CAUGHT BURGLAR! (ding ding ding!)
And every now and then, when you're searching for "caught burglar"...you find THIS picture:
So let me get this straight.
Someone did an entire photo shoot as a metaphorical burglar of someone's heart? I mean, I get it. But really.
Someone commissioned (financially!) an entire photo shoot for this?
Dumbfounding. I would love to be a fly on the wall when this girl calls her mother to tell her what she's been up to lately.
Actually, on that note, again...
10. The word burglar is really funny. Say it out loud. Burg-a-ler. Ha.
Stream the whole thing at the link above.