Sharks Don't Need Activists, And Other Things I'd Like To Talk About

Because sometimes, half baked thoughts are kind of the one's you really want to share anyway, and you can't dedicate an entire 1,000 word essay to your prospective ideas for the seventh film in a horror franchise. A couple of thoughts I've had lately. You cannot be a shark activist.

We were talking at work today about something inconsequential while trying to do what everyone does at work (not work), when my friend brought up something about how a woman was a shark activist and she met the guy she's dating now at a shark activist "thing". Do sharks need activists? Seriously? I'm pretty sure they kill everything, and it's pretty much not a challenge for them, BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING SHARKS. Seriously, you know what needs activists and people protecting it? Things that get killed by sharks all the time.

Now don't get me wrong, sharks are awesome. The boy in me wouldn't allow me to not say that, because they basically just go around eating things and then just kind of swim around all badass, like "yeaaah WHAT." I just think we need to draw the line at shark activism. Stop it, hippies. Not everything needs a picket line. I'm pretty sure the "I'm the best at killing everything in all the land" sharks are doing just fine. Sidenote: Who goes to a shark activist "thing" AND meets their boyfriend or girlfriend there? Really?

Why do payphones still exist?

Who is using them? Do they dial 1-800-Collect? What is this, 1996? I ask this because the other night, I was at a bar with a payphone in it. A guy, who was blackout drunk (I know this because he had dip in his mouth and was spitting into his cup...and by cup I mean he was spitting on the floor) randomly got up from his seat, threatened to punch me for looking at him (totally fair, blackout drunk guy) and then ran into the wall. At this point, he grabbed the payphone, tried to talk into it until he realized he hadn't called anyone. Then he angrily hung up the phone. In a way, I feel like this entire visual I just gave you should, in some odd way, be a metaphor for how payphones just aren't useful. Because guys like this are the only people I can think of still trying to use them. Maybe it's time to let go, phone companies.

I have the best idea for the movie Saw 7.

So by now, i'm pretty sure we all know the premise of Saw 7: people die and it hurts a lot the way they die. Now, what you may not know if you haven't seen every sequel because you do things that make no sense like me, is that the reason the killer picks his victims is because they are wasting their life and not living it wisely. You know, don't take your life for granted, blah blah. So here's my thought for Saw 7 (which is already confirmed and amazing, just on a lot of levels): I think the victims in Saw 7 should be the people who actually went to Saw 6. Wouldn't the target demographic for the killer be the people watching movies about him killing people in ridiculous fashion, AND spending over ten dollars on it AND two hours of their worthless lives doing so? See that? Genius. It says, "wow, we are making terrible movies and you just keep on seeing them" while ALSO saying "we care about our fans". This also basically qualifies me to die in said premise. So there's that.

While housesitting months back, I realized I'm essentially the human equivalent of a dog.

I was housesitting and hanging out with my family dog a few month's back, when it dawned on me: Doc and I are fairly similar. When nobody pays attention to him, he just sleeps (check). He barks at things randomly and doesn't seem to have a point (me talking in general, check). Sometimes he'll just drink anything he finds, and then throws up all over the place later and doesn't seem to find this odd, as he just drinks it again about an hour later (check). His idea of getting a female dog to like him is to try and fight with her incessantly (um, check). Randomly for no apparent reason, he'll just hump my leg (I don't know how this relates to me,  but I think it's funny). It was a horrifying moment when I put this all together.

Don't buy a Big Mac and fries and then order a diet coke.

I mean, just have the regular coke at that point. I think you gave up on the "diet" in that effort with the 4,000 calories that came before your calorie-free beverage. Thanks.

I'm done ranting for the day. Here's a mixtape.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 15: Technically, A Cat Can Wear Pajamas (Consider This Mix Said Pajamas)

And you can download the whole thing here.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 15: Because Technically, Cat's Can Wear Pajamas

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.