Sham "Yes, Wow is Accurate"

Give me an element, and I'm sure to try to ruin my apartment with it. I don't stop at fire, people. We actually don't even  have a fireplace at this apartment, but I wouldn't put it past me to randomly light a piece of paper on fire in the middle of the room, leave for twenty minutes, and then be surprised that the smoke doesn't go up the invisible chimney. I love brita/pur water filters. I can't explain this at all. The last time I checked, I do not live in a third world country where giardia is running rampant. You know what though? Filling a water dispenser and putting it in my fridge is soothing to me. And it's funny, because I only change the actual filters in there once every 2 to 5 years. So basically, i'm filtering water through a not-filter, it's getting really cold, and then I'm drinking it. And I couldn't be more excited about this. I imagine that there are anthrax-like chemicals coming through the faucet, and RIGHT before they trick me, I'm winning and filtering them out. HA! Take that, terrorists!

Anyways, where was I. I love brita/pur water filters. So when the brita jug is getting low, I take pride in being the roommate who saves us all and refills it aggressively. So this Saturday morning when I saw that the filter was low, I got right to it. As Dave was cooking, I quietly pulled that little puppy out and threw it on the counter (why not IN the sink, you ask? HA. Logic, schmogic), placed the faucet hose in it, turned it on full blast, and did the only logical thing one could do: stopped paying attention to it so I could check twitter. At 9:30am. Because I'm sure people are talking about really interesting things at this hour, like, "hey. I woke up." I amaze myself.

Fast forward to about 5 minutes from now. It turns out water, when turned on, just keeps dispensing. I look up, and Dave is frantically running around because the counter is overflowing with water and a waterfall is now dispensing onto our floor. I wanted to help, but I was in the middle of writing out what I was doing on twitter. So once I finished that (PHEW!), I frantically joined and realized that I had basically just created a flash flood in our apartment. Awesome.

After going through about 14 rolls of paper towels, you begin to have the realization that Bounty was, in fact, lying to you. It turns out it is quicker and thicker at picker-uppering nothing. At all (oh false advertising, you ALWAYS win). So we begin to have the panic moment. And here's my favorite part. Dave says, "Drew, it's times like these I wish I had a shamwow."

Yeah, I bought them. Judge me. But ask yourself this: when it picks up all the soda in the pie tin, did you think to yourself, "MAN. If I EVER have a flash flood, this thing could be really awesome." Well, because I make sound fiscal decisions at all time, I clearly thought about this and bought 14,243 of them.

I am still amazed at those things. I'm pretty sure two of them absorbed at least 432 gallons of water. Where do it go? I don't understand. I almost just started running a hose in our house so that I could then shamwow the bejesus out of the wreckage. Like, I want to go put one in a pool, because i'm pretty sure that it would drain the whole thing. It's addicting. Almost a sick sense of power you get. "Oh yeah, water? Well look at this NOT AT ALL UNIQUE shammy cloth I have! HA! Secret weapon in your FACE!"

And you know what? I get how they named them now. Someone was sitting there. They got water all over the place. They had nothing with them but an old shammy cloth, they threw it on the floor...and then some random person said, "wow." And there you have it. And you know what? I have no problem with that, and will invest my entire savings account into a company founded on this stoner happening.

If you need to borrow one, I have about 14,200 extra (the commercial is not lying, it's like you place your order and an entire factory in Malaysia sends you their entire inventory). And if you need any really cold water that is giardia and anthrax free, I have plenty in my fridge at all times. Or on my floor. It's your call. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find some way to break my apartment with the few remaining elements I haven't abused. I've got fire and water DOWN.

Sham "Yes, Wow is Accurate"

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.