December 31st is right up there with Halloween, isn't it? It's that wonderful time of year where hope rings joyous and people aim to drink until they can't feel feelings anymore. The only difference is that people wear metaphorical costumes on this lovely night, whereas on Halloween people just try to embarrass themselves on purpose. That's the fun, right? On Halloween, the GOAL is to look ridiculous and to make horrible decisions. You can wear spandex and people go with it (KJ...), girls can turn anything into a silly haha "can you believe that I made a cat/bumblebee/pair of pants slutty?!?! It's funny because it's fun and i'm really not slutty! Do you want to do it after I finish taking these shots with batman?" costume. Hell, anything is possible on Halloween, and that's why people love it so much. Which is why I think NYE is a poor man's Halloween. No costumes, same bad decisions. It's like we all go out there with that mindset that it's that last day you can do ANYTHING you want, because you have a clean slate tomorrow! The funny thing is, it's just Thursday tomorrow, and that's really about it. So people make a ton of bad decisions tonight, and instead of laughing about it the next day walking home in a batman costume, you are walking home in a "Drew" costume. On this note, I'm pushing for a NYE to officially become Halloween Part 2. Think about it. It'd be a much cooler holiday. AND people could even strategically plan costumes as two-parters. For instance, ladies, on Halloween you could be a slutty devil chick..and on Halloween 2, you could be a slutty cholo girl! No? Didn't work? You already did this in college at Sigma Chi's Heaven and Hell party and then at the clever Pimps and Ho's party? Shit. Okay. Well, you get my point. Moving on. My point is, Halloween never lets anyone down really. Whereas New Years is really just any Friday night with loftier hopes and dreams. Why not add a costume to get breakfast in the next morning. It sure makes it more fun. The new year is a funny time. We all have remorse about certain things that happened to us the year before. Falling in and out of love, that time you fell asleep on that street corner (not sure if this is remorse or a personal high five yet, i'll get back to you), decisions you wish you had made (like not buying a box of triscuits every time you go to the grocery store, thus acquiring over 20 boxes of triscuits in your pantry, which i'm barely exaggerating), etc etc. And tonight? Tonight is the time to tell yourself how it's all gonna change tomorrow. So let me tell you what's changing in my life tomorrow. As of tomorrow morning, I'm going to lose 15 pounds. Then I'm going to the gym. EVERY DAY. And i'm not stopping until I flex uncontrollably every time I go to pick up a fork to eat my new, healthy meals made out of nothing but not fat and lean protein. I'm going to stop drinking. Ever. I'm going to stop being so mushygushy with girls, because I don't want to get my feewings huwted again. Instead, I'm gonna be a manly man and only date chicks who are shallow and like me for my raging pecs, which I will have acquired no doubt by tomorrow at sundown (it's just science that if you lift something heavy for an hour, you lose tons of weight and look like a model immediately). I'm going to try harder at work so that I become the fastest 27 year old to become partner ever. I'm going to take on a new fun hobby that is "outside-the-box" for me, and i'm going to leave my "comfort zone" more often. And beyond that? I'm going to save my money, because we are in an economic depression.
Now let me tell you how it's really going to go down... (It's like the movie clue, except less visually pleasing)
Iâ€™m going to go to the gym tomorrow. Maybe. Wait, Iâ€™m tired, I drank all last night and ate a burrito at 4am. How was I up at 4am? Anyways, moving on. Iâ€™ll go to the gym the next day. Wait, whatâ€™s the next day, Friday? Screw that, Iâ€™ll watch reruns of House and then go drink with everyone. They are only in town like, ONE more day, so itâ€™s not like Iâ€™m not going to the gym for no reason. DONâ€™T JUDGE ME. Eh, Iâ€™ll buy a pull up bar. Oh wait, I totally bought one at target that one time and itâ€™s in my closet I think. Iâ€™ll just finally put the pull up bar up. Later.
Okay, next up, work ethic! Iâ€™ll totally try harder at work now. When do you want me to come in? Saturday? But I made plans that I havenâ€™t made yet. Also, Iâ€™m tired because Iâ€™ve been working too much during my vacation. Iâ€™m gonna go hang out with Richard at his desk now and discuss how plausible it is that a real life Jurassic Park can happen, and WILL happen soon. All we need is a fossilized mosquito, dude. And BOOM. DINO DNA. You are all idiots for not having thought of that. Iâ€™m gonna go home early now.
Next up, girls. No more falling so hard. Remember â€œRock Bottom Drewâ€, Drew? He sucks. Heâ€™s depressing. He listens to Elliot Smith. Ew. No more of that, from here on out, weâ€™re gonna sit this one out on the sidelines and take it slow with girls no matter what. Wait, whoâ€™s that chick. She likes John Cusack? I LIKE John Cusack. Wait, SHE likes milk? I love milk! I totally put it in cereal all the time! Donâ€™t tell me she wears socks and gets cold sometimesâ€¦wow. WOW. I totally do too. This is creepy. Okay, thatâ€™s it. Iâ€™m gonna get married to her before we even have a conversation. Man, Iâ€™m glad I took that slowâ€¦who knows what would have happened if I hadnâ€™t.
New hobbies? Fuck that, I love my hobbies. I donâ€™t have enough time for new ones, Iâ€™m already so awesome itâ€™s painful. And who said we were gonna drink less this year? What were we, drunk? Sheesus, thank god THAT guyâ€™s not running the â€œDrew 2009â€ ship. Now letâ€™s go buy a new LCD HD TV, I have no money so that seems like a great idea. (Sidenote: in college, I bought a box of feet warmers from Costco for no apparent reason. A Box. I felt that this was at least worth mentioning, as it shows I truly show no mercy in times of my own economic crisis, aka college. Why start now?)
Some things just never change. You can hope for the moon and the stars, but at the end of the day? You are who they thought you were. So just roll with it, and be proud of what youâ€™ve already got going for you. Drink tonight until you canâ€™t feel feelings. Make those outlandish claims about how much weight you are going to lose, and how you are going to change the world at 9am. But letâ€™s be real: Itâ€™s just Thursday tomorrow. Donâ€™t be disappointed when itâ€™s all the same the next day and have fun out there. Me? Iâ€™m gonna go slap on a Batman costume. Because at least that shows Iâ€™m making an effort to be the change I want to see in the world.