Reasons Why My Life Is Not An Episode of 24

The following takes place between 9am and 10am. All events occur in real time.

Drew sits at his desk. He's just arrived to work late again, and realizes there is a ton to do. So he drags out removing his laptop from his bag, possibly even taking one minute and fifty eight seconds to plug in 2 USB cords and the power cord. He then maybe checks to see if the ginger ale he left there yesterday is kind of not that luke warm, because if it isn't? He's going to pretend he's on an airplane (the only place anyone else on the planet drinks ginger ale) and drink it as fast as possible. Because if he were on an airplane? He oddly has about 13 seconds before the flight attendant inexplicably is back to pick up trash. (Sidenote: if everyone drank beverages like we were on an airplane, we'd all be peeing every 6 minutes. This is scientific fact)

Drew: "Goooood morning campers!"

Brendan: "Sup Brooooham."

Ryan: ...waits about 12 seconds, removes headphones.) "hey."

For the next 2 minutes, nothing happens at all. No, seriously. Nothing. Adam might say hi on IM because Drew just logged in.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.
COMMERCIAL
Boop (first window appears with Drew still plugging in USB cords and eyeing the ginger ale) Beep (second window appears with Brendan staring at his computer saying nothing) Boop (third window appears with Ryan staring at his computer saying nothing) Beep (fourth window appears with Sam strangely wide awake and seeming as though he's done more than the other three in the last 4 years combined since he arrived at 8:42am) Boop...

Cut to Drew now walking towards the kitchen. Even though there is still a lot to do, Drew obviously goes over to Kenny the IT guy to talk about how the Warriors are terrible. People do lots of work around Drew and Kenny. About 6 minutes later, Drew and Kenny end the conversation realizing it makes less sense that they are Golden State Warriors fans than it would to randomly wake up and decide to punch yourself in the shins repeatedly. Feeling satisfied that he's done nothing with his life yet today, Drew moves on. But not before stopping to see what the other people who do work are working on.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.
COMMERCIAL (my god, seriously subway? How much ad space did you buy? Who can eat one foot of sandwich and not be fat?)
Boop. (first window appears with Drew staring at the toaster, as though willing his English muffin to toast faster) Beep (Richard walks in through the elevator down the hall, wearing a really funny t-shirt that drew and him will no doubt marvel at in about 14 seconds) Boop (third window appears with Drew still staring at the toaster) Beep (inexplicably, the fourth window is just another angle of Drew staring at the toaster. No, seriously.) Boop...

Richard walks in the Kitchen. Drew runs over, chest bumps him (to which Richard for some reason knows is coming), then shoots a fake basketball over Richard's head and then fist pumps as though he's just played a real sport (Richard also sees this coming and rejects it, leading to an argument)

Drew: "I totally just scored on you."

Richard: "No, I knew you were going to shoot and so I blocked it. Again, Drew. Kind of like yesterday."

Drew: "No, I knew you would try to block it, so I set the ball on fire and wore my invisible 'my hands can't light on fire when I wear these gloves and shoot fire basketballs' gloves."

Richard:
"Oh, but I already wore MY invisible fire retardant gloves when I woke up this morning. And I also wore my 'it's impossible to play invisible basketball' gloves today, so we actually can't play invisible basketball. Because it's not a real sport. And not possible."

Drew: "Your mom's an invisible basketball."

At this point, Drew's English muffin is burning in the toaster. Because he stopped watching it to go play invisible basketball.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.
COMMERCIAL ("five...five...five dollar foooooot longggggssss...)
Boop (first window opens to Drew cooking another English muffin) Beep (second window opens to random people walking in looking on in terror as Drew and Richard are still debating the invisible basketball game) Boop (third window opens to people in other offices in the world, doing work. For no reason other than this would be funny) Beep (fourth window opens to Brendan staring at his computer, saying nothing) Boop...

Drew walks back to his desk. He says, "Sup Bud" to Bud and laughs to himself, because that guys name is ACTUALLY Bud, and this only gets funnier every day. Bud kind of looks unamused again, but realizes Drew is kind of like a "special" kid and just lets it go, hoping Drew will stop doing this eventually if he enables it a bit longer. Drew walks back into his office, which is actually just a room within the loft that he works in with three other guys which ironically has no ceiling, and therefore would not be considered an office to any other person on planet America, and sits down. Drew continues to plug in USB cords, wondering how many keyboards he has at this point and why they have so many USB cords that he must plug in. He re-routes the satellites and yells at Chloe that, "THERE'S NO TIME!" He then realizes he can't re-route satellites and that Chloe is a make believe character on the hit television show 24 (Mondays, 8/9c). They start to say inappropriate things that get most people fired, because it's cool, they are in an office. You know, with no ceiling. The head of production walks by, wondering when he should tell the guys that this isn't a real office and no one actually takes them seriously because they are on facebook all day and are also apparently 9 years old from the sounds of their conversations. Drew finally plugs in his last USB cord, and settles in.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep.
COMMERCIAL (wait, Prison Break is in it's fourth season? Should this win an award for "most poorly conceived show title that didn't think ahead to the possibility that there would be more than one seaon, and therefore they would no longer be breaking out of a prison"?)
Boop (first window opens to Drew opening facebook and thinking of a witty status update, even though he's done nothing yet with his life that would dictate doing so today) Beep (second window opens to Brendan staring at his computer, saying nothing) Boop (third window opens to a girl walking by the guys "office", causing everyone to wonder who the new girl is and if she's single, and if we should therefore go after her because that's a terrible idea and she's also not into us by default because we are us) Beep (fourth window opens to Jason walking by the guys office with a pen in his mouth, because he always has a pen in his mouth and he's dressed better than everyone and therefore can do this) Boop...

Jason stares at the guys, kind of confused on why he employs them.

Jason: "You guys want to talk at 4 about awards shows?"

Brendan: "Yeah for sure. Hey Jaso.." (Jason walks away)

Brendan: "Want to sit down and brainstorm in like 20?"

Jason: Says nothing. Because Jason walked away and Brendan refused to believe this happened like a kid whose Dad never showed up to his soccer game, yet he never came to grips with it.

Brendan: "Alright, epic." (Ironically, this is not said sarcastically, which makes it funny)

Drew and Ryan stare at their computers and probably make the "You want to take his face...off" joke they make every morning, because quoting the movie Face Off never gets old. They high five and laugh again at how funny they are. Brendan asks if everyone wants to sit down and talk for a few minutes about what they are going to do that day. They all agree, and everyone leaves the room to go to the conference room, because for some reason they need to be in a closed room to talk about this stuff. Because it turns out they don't have ceilings or any privacy in their office that isn't an office. And they are probably going to talk about inappropriate things that have nothing to do with work, and they better not talk about that in a room with no ceiling or walls like they just did 22 minutes ago, or they'd probably get fired. Drew is behind them, now unplugging all of his USB cords. This takes another 3 minutes and leaves Drew highly discouraged at how difficult it is to unplug all of these cords.

Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. Beep. (Show ends)

(By this time, Jack Bauer has saved America at least four times and hasn't gone to the bathroom once in six days. Drew, amongst the rest of the world, is confused on how this is possible.)

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.