Now Known as "Unicorn Land"

Analytics for a website are a funny thing. They're pretty amazing, as I can see who reads the blog, what state they come from, etc. For instance, I have someone who reads every time I post from Malaysia. MALAYSIA! How cool is that? Not only have I never even been there, I would not have been able to identify this country on a map, even if you offered me an unlimited supply of only white gummy bears (haribo, obviously) before I started ranting on this puppy. Whoever you are, Mr. or Mrs. Malaysia, I'm a pretty huge fan of you and will even try to work in silly Malaysia jokes or cool facts from here on out. FOR INSTANCE...did you know that the Belum rain forest has more Malayan tigers per square kilometer than any other animal sanctuary in the world? C'mon people. How can you not get behind a country that owns the largest tiger per square kilometer ratio in the world? Malaysian tourism board, where ARE you on this one? "Malaysia: we've got a fucking ton of rad tigers." Boom. You just became a vacation destination. Ladies and gentlemen, website analytics at work. Point being, this completely self absorbed technology is one of my favorite things on the planet. It's also great for being completely creepy. I know when someone from a region or town reads something (I see you ex-girlfriends...I SEE YOU...wait, call me. No, don't. We probably hate each other now, nevermind.). My favorite feature, though, without a doubt, is the ability to see how someone reached your site via a search engine. Basically, if someone searches google and somehow reaches this blog, I get to see what the search was. C'mon. That's fascinating.

So because I apparently refuse to do anything worthwhile with my time, I was sifting through these search terms the other day, and found some absolutely hilarious ones. I also figured out some major themes of what I write about. Below are the findings and how often they were searched to get here.

*Note: I didn't alter a thing here. Yes, someone actually searched Tom Cruise and got to this blog. Wow. Talk about a confusing moment for them.

1. "Drew Holhorst" (386 times) - There is nothing exciting about this one. It just goes to show that whoever is fortunate enough to marry into my family has to come to terms with the fact that no one will ever spell your name right. Whoever you are, future wife, your last name is also presumably better than "Hoolhorst", so I'm sorry in advance. That sucks. I should know. I'm also completely confused on the fact that over the summer, people googled my name incorrectly this many times. I made it, Mom. I MADE IT!

2. "Metaphorical Costumes" (23 times) - Really? What's neat here is that I don't think I've ever written about this, so presumably, this was a huge let down for 23 people. We'll get to the "huge letdown" section soon. If by "metaphorical costumes" you meant to type "complains about everything", then I take it back. You just struck gold, you little googler, you. Welcome.

3. "Virgin" (16 times) - Amazing. And sad. And amazing. The fact that google has decided that i'm a top hit for "virgin" has me worried that a search engine is judging me this hard, and/or talking shit to me. Oh yeah? Well if I had a search engine, google, I'd have you come up when anyone searched "small penis". TAKE THAT (and touché...touché...).

4. "Daisy ex drew hool" (15 times) - This one is exciting, because secretly I hope that one day I can be a recurring pathetic US Weekly point of interest, and this makes me feel like the villain on Season 3 of The Hills or something. Also, this means that Daisy told at least 15 people or so that I dated her. Win. It's the small victories, folks.

5. "Dundo Xayyaphay" (12 times) - This one is absolutely fascinating, because for starters, I forgot about writing about my friend Dundo. However, upon searching for his name myself, I remembered that Dundo was the guy who tried to barter a phone with 100 nintendo games for my iPhone I was selling on craigslist. Here's the awesome part though. The only other thing that comes up when you search his name? An article detailing the indictment of three brothers charged with burglary, extortion, torture, threats, dissuading a witness and gang allegations. They apparently (wait for it) kidnapped someone and held them for ransom. So where's Dundo in all of this, you ask? Oh. HE IS A FUGITIVE. When he tried to buy my iPhone, it was a year after the date of the article. Seeing as his bartering skills were...poor...I can see why Dundo was maybe shying away from becoming a salesmen for a living. I'm never buying or selling anything on craigslist again. Unless someone has an awesome limited edition pogo ball. Or I need concert tickets. Or someone has a terrible apartment I can rent (don't worry, the last time I got an apartment through craigslist, it was later discovered that my landlord was a registered sex offender. So that's cool.). You win, craigslist. You always do.

6. "Tom Cruise is hella good looking" (3 times) and "Is Tom Cruise good looking?" (2 times) - The good news for you, Tom, is that only two people searched the internet questioning your good looks, while three people thought you were hella good looking (unbelievable that either three people searched this exact term, OR that someone searched this term THREE TIMES). Here's my favorite part: did this person expect that the internet was going to answer this question for them somehow? It's not a magic eight ball, guys. If this was the case, you should also search "What is the cure for aids?" and "Where is a million dollars located?" Maybe start with those ones next time.

7. "50 pull ups a day" (3 times) - At least the internet thinks I'm working out.

8. "San Francisco Herpes" (1 time...thank god only 1 time) - At this point, I'm convinced google dislikes me in some way. That's just mean, google. Why are you telling people I have herpes? What is that? Did we date and I cheated on you one time or something? Not only are you spreading violent rumors, you're telling them where you can find this false holder of herpes? Shame on you, google. Shame on you.

9. "Horst fuck woman" (1 time) - Man, oh man, did the guy looking for animal porn suffer a letdown when he found a blog where an overly emotional mid-twenties guy was talking about his feelings. Close on the spelling, guy. Close.

10. "Ex Girlfriend doesn't call"/"Ex girlfriend doesn't like you"/"Ex girlfriend hates you"/"Ex girlfriend wants you to stop calling" (each searched one time) - Okay. Okay. I get it. I could talk about ex girlfriends a little less. Although I guess writing this right now isn't really helping, because now it'll just come up more often when people search that...WHY CAN'T I STOP TALKING??

11. "Fat guy ugly breakup" (1 time) - You made your point.

12. "Fat drool hot pocke... - OKAY I GET IT. AND YEAH, I LIKE HOT POCKETS. (and yes, I'm serious, the search was "fat drool hot pocket)

13. "Unicorn Land" (1 time) - Best. Compliment. Ever. Thanks, Google.

Finally though, my favorite searched term for how people get here. While it only came in 2nd (286 times)...it says a lot.

"Awkward."

Too true. Too true.

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.