No, You Were The Only Person Who Thought To Be Lady Gaga For Halloween. Because No One Read "The Internet" This Year.

The older I get, the less interesting Halloween is to me. I know, I know...sacrilege. So many people hold it up to be the greatest holiday of all time (besides Kwanzaa, which even black people haven't figured out yet...don't worry, guys, Jews don't understand a lot of our own holidays either). But when you get older, it's like everything that was great about Halloween from your childhood gets taken away, and all you are left with is an awkward costume you probably paid too much for and some embarrassment in a taxi cab. Like when I got in my cab this year to go out to a party, and was greeted by my cabby saying, "Sup, Jewish werewolf. Where you headed to?" Okay I take it back, I almost high fived him immediately. And I guess watching the walk of shame is almost worth it entirely (this year's highlight: still drunk Lady Gaga walking home outside my window at about 8am, clearly not drunk enough anymore to think that dressing as "is she a transvestite?" was a great idea). Essentially, here's the realization I've come to: adult Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress in a costume. I'm not going to give you the "it's an excuse for girls to dress slutty" argument, because you've probably heard it ninety times, and frankly, no one is really complaining about that demographic. But no, it's kind of like a girl saying we should take salsa lessons when you are dating her: in no way is this at all something you want to do, and it's guaranteed to be one big night of awkward for you, but you know that if you just smile and say yes, you're going to get laid, so you do it. Halloween. Same exact concept.

I can't lie though, I do enjoy the costumes you get to see in the process. I will now go through this year's highlights for me of what I saw in the Castro.

1,434 Girls Dressed as Lady Gaga: The highlight here was in no way the novel idea to dress like Lady Gaga. No, it was the fact that EVERY one of these girls seemed to think that no one thought of this, and looked appalled when they saw "that bitch" totally wearing the same thing. What's even more amazing about this is that it may be the only time that dressing like a slutty girl who got drunk and stole her mom's makeup and then mugged an eight year old in a ballerina costume ISN'T a novel idea and you aren't the only one who did it. Amazing.

My Best Friend Dressed as a Lifeguard: Again, not because it was novel. I appreciated this one because Kevin didn't think that it was in any way a strange idea to go to the Castro in an extra small speedo...and um, not much else...when you are a 6'4" extremely attractive straight blonde guy who works out more than most people eat food, which is a metaphor that was ironic to use in and of itself. There is no problem with this. Unless you get black out drunk and then have to get walked home by your friend. Who is wearing a werewolf costume and a yarmulke. The cat calls that ensued were priceless. "DAMMMMMN JEWISH WEREWOLF'S SCORIN' SOME FINE LIFEGUARD ASS TONIGHT, LEMME GET SOME MMMMM!" At one point I almost got defensive and yelled back, "HE'S NOT JUST SOME PIECE OF MEAT! YOU BEHAVE, PERSON IN DAISY DUKES AND A SILLY WIG, WHOSE COSTUME IS CLEARLY 'MAN IN DAISY DUKES AND SILLY WIG', WHICH BY THE WAY IS AN ODD COSTUME AS IT DOESN'T REALLY SEEM TO BE ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR!"

Drunk Amelia Earhart: Granted, clearly the costume didn't come with the "drunk" moniker when she bought it (but if that was for sale in a store, guess what, I'd buy it. Just on principal). But what's great about this and many costumes is that it accidentally becomes more and more awkward and ironic as the night goes on and the owner of said costume gets drunk. Because I bet this girl thought, "hey, Amelia Earhart was a great story in the history of women, as she was the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic!" However, in the process of the evening, this person then goes from being the great story in women's history to "that girl dry humping the dude who's not jacked enough to be the guy from 300 but that's what he dressed as." Welp, guess you missed the whole "classy lady" part of your character. But hey, you tried.

Drunk Chick in Glitter: You didn't even try. I respect that, because this means you wanted to get drunk and thought, "welp, i'm gonna get shit if I go out and don't wear a costume, but I want to drink...oh cool, I have some glitter." That was it. I completely respect that.

Jon and Kate Plus Eight Fighting On The Street Corner: The "isn't it funny that we're dressed as a depressed couple who are in a loveless marriage but will stay together because we signed a contract stating that we have to because we have eight children who are our reality TV cash cow?" costume gone horribly wrong, when it turns out you are, in fact, a depressed couple in a loveless relationship because you are fighting about how "Jon" didn't introduce you to his friend who was a girl. Amazing to watch. Thank you for that. Life imitating art. Reality TV art.

More than anything, Halloween just pisses me off because it gives Starbucks an excuse to jump the gun entirely and start rolling out the Christmas themed cups on November 1st. Way too early. Give it time, guys. We haven't even had our racially insensitive holiday where we eat turkey yet.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 14: Hey, Starbucks, It's Not Okay To Make My Cups Holiday Themed Yet

And you can download the whole thing here.

All and all, I kind of just wish I had gone to suburbia and gone trick or treating as a 27 year old in a jewish werewolf costume, so that when the parents opened the door and saw me and looked confused, I could have just acted like I didn't think it was because I was a creepy old guy who still wanted candy (because I do, dammit) but instead because they didn't watch 30 Rock.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. NO, NOT JEW WEREWOLF.

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.