Neurotic Thoughts At The Airport

Who is buying luggage AT the airport? Are people just walking by, see the luggage store, do a double take and go ahead and remove all of their personal belongings from their bag and say "I'll take the green one! Throw this old one away, as I have nowhere to put it, because...I'm at the airport." Who is rich enough to do this? Luggage, the last time I checked, is really expensive. So for you to just be all willy nilly, throwing money into a fire pit like this seems like a poor fiscal decision. Does this person also go to the clothing store and say "No, no bag for me. Just burn these old clothes I'm in now. No need for them anymore!" Do they have a hamburger, see the pizza store, throw the hamburger in the trash uneaten and just buy pizza? Stop it. There is something hilarious about the fashion show/popularity club that an airplane is. If you take a morning or daytime flight, It kind of sucks, because in all reality, an airplane is really just one big bar or nightclub that you can't leave, right? Sizing people up, wondering where they are going later, etc. It's just one big pile of judgement in a very small contained area. It's kind of like going to the DMV. You just look at other people there, and you've gotta wonder if maybe you'd have a shot at a good looking woman here. I mean, who else is she gonna go for? You're the best looking guy at the DMV presumably. Considering most people are dying of "old" or have that problem of "not being a US citizen" that gets in the way of having a relationship with a really attractive girl who only speaks english, you've gotta be the best looking guy renewing his registration in that place. I'm all about finding awkward dating in the obscure situations. Airplanes/DMV both fit that bill. Speaking of airplanes being a strange popularity contest of sorts... Virgin America is such a genius airline. They saw the opportunity for being the "really hot friend" airline that everyone wants to get to know, and her airline friends fucking hate her because everyone is SO goddamn into her. She dresses kind of slutty but then also has this annoying way of being REALLY funny and guys just think she's the effing best (so she's not just the slutty girl: she's got it all...she's the best of both worlds). She's low maintenance, loves watching tv and sports and is totally cool with it if you just wanna get drunk all the time. Brilliant. Cheers, Virgin America: you are geniuses and have every right to be making fun of anyone who dares try to get in your way (I'm looking at you, Jet Blue...you're yesterday's news, let it go...we'll be seeing you, I hope only sporadically). What is with people and lining up to get on the plane to place their bag in the overhead bin. I have never understood this phenomenon. People would honestly sacrifice their children to get on that plane before you, if it means their bag got up top without them having to have some crazy person panic attack. Here's the thing. THEY WILL FIND A PLACE FOR YOUR BAG. You know why? Because it's their fucking job. Honestly, test it out. Wait until the last possible minute to get on a plane. Walk on, and say "I can't find a spot for my bag." They will take the bag, tell you to sit down, and move crap around until your bag is near you. In a moment of irony, they will also be an asshole to the guy whose carry on was too big (who was probably the ass trying to get on the plane aggressively early and who made sure it was before you) and will then be extra nice to you because he was such a pain in the ass that you now look like a saint. I don't understand people. You have an assigned seat...you are about to go sit in a really uncomfortable position for a prolonged period of time...why are you RUSHING to get to this situation? Relax. Your bag will make it. You will make it. You're stressing the rest of us out. Read the goddamn Skymall or check to see what dated film is presumably only playing on the flight to an obscure island region of the pacific that you are not familiar with. The movie stars Adrian Brody. It's really bad. Don't worry, you're better off.

I will never, ever understand why everything at the airport is not priced out to be a round number that does not force me to receive billions and billions of metal coins back. I have done everything humanly possible in my airport preparation to not have a lot of items in my pocket that would set off a metal detector, or more importantly...that I would have to remove in every city when I got to a security checkpoint. Stop it. Just make the sandwich $9.00 instead of $8.37. I really don't want three pennies, five dimes and two nickels (they also never give you quarters...they're like a fat kid with a coin collection who won't share the good ones).  I'm willing just to give you a little extra money to not have loose change. Sometimes I feel like going to the airport is like the game mousetrap: it was just impossible to set up and took like an hour of your time JUST to get it ready to play, and then that shit was impossible to win.

On that note, a man just ate an entire box of chewy chips ahoy next to me while waiting for the plane. He did it in an astonishing 30 minutes. Not only do I not want to sit next to this man on the plane...I'm also dumbfounded and incredibly impressed.

I'm off to steal the Skymall magazine, which for some reason always seems like a big win to me.

(*Writer's Post Flight Note: Virgin America doesn't have skymall. We've found your achilles, Virgin. Let this be the only pockmark...)

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.