Michael, Michael, Michael...

Oh Michael...it was only a matter of time. I feel like your jewish mother doling out advice...but c'mon man, really? Here's a twofer/update on the progress of how fast Michael Phelps is going to lose the ultimate "I-can-hook-up-with-anyone-get-out-of-jail-free-card". The first one doesn't really shock me. Michael has been sleazin' it up at strip clubs in Vegas, and hanging out with the striped shirt brigade. I mean it's probably a better idea to get that out of his system here rather than in magical clamydia land a.k.a. China. The only thing odd to me is that strip clubs are predominantly for people who CAN'T score really hot women, so they pay for the make-believe hot women to create this illusion for them. Phelps right now could honestly walk into the Roosevelt hotel pool lounge and point. So why pay, buddy?

Now here's the "holy shit that is way too predictable" story going on. And by Sunday? We could have a full-fledged US magazine cover story. Michael Phelps is supposedly getting courted by none other than Lindsay Lohan. Wow. Her girlfriend must be kind of bummed that the fake lesbian stint is apparently coming to an end. But really...Lindsay Lohan being a lesbian was about as believable as a minotaur. Which, for those at home, is not believable and is not a real creature, much like the mythical Lindsay Lohan. Am I jealous? Who knows. Back in the Mean Girls days...yes I would have been jealous. But now? Michael. Come ON man. You could probably play your cards right and get anyone. And you are going to the hollywood starlet used car lot? She's like the equivalent of a 1982 honda civic at this point: it runs, gets the job done, but it's really unattractive and everyone will make fun of you for driving it.

Hey, while you're at it, I hear Tara Reid is available.

Michael Phelps in an outfit he picked up at "Forever Fratastic"

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.