Let's Make Outlandish and Unachievable New Years Goals That We Will Inevitably Fail At!

I love the new year. And here's why. It's all about setting goals that are ridiculous. At least for me. Instead of setting some moderate 'resolution' for myself, it's always like, "I WILL LOSE 40 POUNDS, AND WILL NOT QUIT UNTIL I'M EMACIATED AND PEOPLE THINK I NEED HELP!" My dieting skills usually involve "I'll just eat cereal every meal of the day." Hey, guess what? That doesn't work. Because it turns out there's a reason you were eating hamburgers. Because they taste like 'delicious'. Turns out shredded wheat tastes like 'meh', and after your 9,246th bowl of it, it tastes like 'not that delicious'. Other goals I have set that have failed in years previous:

- I will not get in a fight with my girlfriend! (no seriously, I think this was in high school. Oh to be young and naive to the fact that dating solely involves fighting, sexual relations and the occasional shared interest. Shhh..I know that was pessimistic)

- I will stop smoking pot entirely! (a little background on this one: I was in college, I was roughly smoking a weed amount that equals "a lot"/"you should be mentally retarded and useless in any conversation with another human in daily interactions." Ambitiously, I was just going to wake up and stop? Hilarious. I made it two days. Then I watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and ate an entire jumbo box of Mac and Cheese. You win, Kraft. You Win.)

- I will stop lying, just in general, ever. (Which, ironically becomes a lie when you lie about something. See how I did that? I know, you're amazed at my use of clever wit. This is also impossible because lying is great fun from time to time. Like when I tell the DMV that I am of Asian decent, just to see if they are paying attention)

Point being, I've decided this year to scale it back a bit and go for the baby step format of resolutions. I figure, if I set the bar ridiculously low, I will inevitably want to high five myself by years end. So here's where I'm at for 2010 life goals.

I will listen to Hall and Oates a lot.

I am close to even declaring this the year of Hall and Oates. No, i'm serious, try to not enjoy them upon letting them back into your life. For starters, Hall clearly does most of the leg work in the band, while Oates just kind of stares with a perm in the background of every video. Incredible, has anyone ever gotten THIS hardcore of a free ride before? I commend you, John Oates. Secondly, their music is 100% good, every time. I don't get it. They also have a knack for singing about some seriously creepy shit without being called out on it, at all. "Private eyes, are watching you" ... "Your kiss is on my list" (common female reaction to either of these should be: what list? you're watching me? stop, that's gross.) Private eyes is prominently featured on 2010's opening mixtape due to my current man-crush.

I will read a book.

You ever been talking to a girl, and she says, "so what's your favorite book you've read lately?" and some other guy says, "oh I just recently enjoyed finishing up Cormac McCarthy's The Road, it was interesting.." and you say "I just watched Back to The Future Part 2!"? Yeah, how'd that go? Turns out not so well in my experience. Here's something I've learned: girls love to read. Wait, check that: normal people love to read. You know why? Because it makes you less dumb. And I just don't seem to do it very much. I don't think reading sports journalism counts. And I'm positive Us Weekly doesn't. So i'm going to set the lofty goal of at least one book this year. Again: I'm looking for an extremely low ask of myself in my resolutions. I think one book is doable. And I will automatically say that Dan Brown doesn't count, because I may as well just watch a movie with Nic Cage in it and wonder if he has discovered that he, in fact, does not have hair.

I will learn to accept the banana as a food that I should eat.

Inexplicably, I do not eat bananas. Turns out they are really good for you. You know how people try to aggressively change their whole diet? Turns out I like food. So instead of making an outlandish claim that I will only eat acai berries or some weird shit like that, I'm opting for the "I will eat bananas" theory. I love the word banana in general, and feel like it's some guy that hangs out with my friends that I always say I don't like and when everyone says, "why don't you like banana? that guy is awesome!" I just don't have a reason why. So hey, banana, i'm sorry for being a dick. You can be in my smoothies now, I'll stop substituting you.

I will not be fat.

This one is my favorite, and here's why. Every year, almost every human being on the planet goes with the resolution that they will lose some aggressive amount of weight. Or that they are going to get washboard abs (hey guess what? that's really hard, and if you have a job and/or friends you like hanging out with, you just ran out of the time it takes to attain these). So here's my theory: i'm just not going to ever be fat. I don't have to look like Brad Pitt (I know, I know, but we already look so much alike...). I don't have to eat only 12 calories a day. I will just not be fat. That's it. If i'm ever getting fat? I'll just stop, because fat is a shitty best friend that always sucks at life. Really, guys, that's kind of all that matters. If you have a half of a personality? Most people will just be excited that you aren't fat and sleep with you. I know. This knowledge bomb is pretty much blowing up your mind right now. Feel free to join me. The water is fine, and there is plenty of room in the pool.

On that note, this is a mix that I made for the new year that was so goddamn ambitious, it took up two "not real" cd's. Basically, I just got too excited so I made it two mixes. Hall and Oates is on there, so you're already halfway to awesome just by listening. Happy new year everyone.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 18: Let's Make Outlandish and Unachievable New Years Goals That We Will Inevitably Fail At!

Disc 1

Disc 2

And you can download both as mp3's at the links below.

Disc 1

Disc 2

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.