Jurassic Park vs. The Reality Narc

So I'd write a long-winded ode to my NYE, but to tell you the truth? I have no idea what happened for the most part. Here's what I do know for sure: Ryan punched our cab driver and got kicked out of the bar, I drank too much, and I drank too much. HAPPY NEW YEAR! But no seriously, I'll sound like Ron Burgundy here, but that escalated fast and Ryan punched a guy. A CAB driver! WOW! That happens? I had NO idea. The best part is, for the life of us, nobody can figure out why Ryan and the driver were in a fight. I don't remember an argument, as I was in Jerry Seinfeld mode (a la "getthecandy getthecandy getthecandy". If you don't know this sketch he does, find it right now. It's hilarious. I'm too lazy to go find it for you) and I think my whole mindset was just "gethome gethome gethome". I just remember turning around and seeing Ryan punching the cab driver. So hey, 2009! Nice to meet you. You're gonna be a good one. Of course at this point, I did nothing. Because i'm as tough as the triangle player in a middle school band. But it sure was funny, I do remember that. My other final memory is this, and this sums up 2008 for me in so many ways, oddly: when we got home, I was getting in bed and I gave my friend Kevin the other room. He came in dumbfounded and said, "Hey, I just found a plate of triscuits and brie all laid out perfectly, IN your fridge. With a knife. IN the fridge with it. Can I eat it?" I mean, who puts that in the fridge? Who does that? Really, Drew? Sigh. Moving on. So I've been talking a lot about Jurassic Park lately. This was brought to my attention today. Why, you ask? Oh, nevermind, now I won't answer because you are STUPID and should know that Jurassic Park is only one of the greater films of all time (Shoooot herrr....SHOOOOT HERRRR!!). But honestly, I discuss Jurassic Park a lot due to a man in my life I like to call the Reality Narc. That man is my co-worker, Richard Krolewicz. You see, Richard seemingly comes to work every day with the sole purpose of diffusing my ridiculous, grandiose ideas. He also does a lot more work than me, but that's beside the point and doesn't help my argument (sidenote: I just reality narc'd myself. shit). Anyways, Richard will constantly tell me that my ideas cannot and will not ever work, and why they won't. It's like a guy showing up all the time during your childhood and saying things like this:

"No, a man could not go down a chimney without serious injuries. And if he were fat, he definitely wouldn't fit. If the fire is going like most fireplaces Christmas night, he would procure third degree burns as well. If he were carrying presents? Don't get me started. Not only would that be a large fire hazard, but countless toys would break while in transit, and furthermore the wrapping paper would probably even rip before it burned. And he got there by way of imaginary deer who can fly...right. So go on though, you said you believe in Santa Claus?"

(Before I move on, does anyone else find it mildly ironic that the first metaphor to cross a Jewish guy's mind in this situation was about Christmas?)

This is what he does. He metaphorically Santa Claus's all of my awesome ideas and aspirations. So constantly, I try to put him to the test. The most recent idea he shot down of mine? I have a dream. A dream of a land where we build a gigantic pressure-based underground pipeline throughout the nation (We'd start with small test markets, of course. What do you take me for, an idiot?). What is this pipeline for you ask? Well I'm glad you asked. It's so we could transport things from grocery stores, targets, etc, with the greatest of ease. You know how at places like Costco when they get a bunch of cash or checks and they shoot them in a little tube up through that little pipeline (don't even get me started on checks. This is honestly still a form of payment? A piece of paper that says, "I mean, yeah, I'm good for it. Look I signed it. It's practically like I just pinky swore, what more do you want from me, REAL money?" Ridiculous)? Well this pipeline would now be everywhere. Your groceries would go in a tube or some contraption, and you would then have a little chute installed in your house where the goods would be transported to. When you got home? It's all there. No unloading from the car, etc. I have no idea why I see a need for this in any way, other than I love watching that tube shoot up in Costco and would love to find ANY new way I could include this in my life more often. Reality Narc, however, took the wind out of my sails:

"No. First of all, it would require more energy costs to power this. We are already in a partial energy crisis, so this would be impossible to pass through legislature. Furthermore, disease and cleanliness is a whole other problem. This thing you are building into your house, this chute? Can you imagine the rats and cockroaches that would get in through this chute? It's a whole new pest problem in every home. And what if a package gets stuck in the pipeline? And there is a backup for everyone? Then you have to have new workers who specialize in fixing the pipeline, etc. While this would create new jobs, it would also cause more costs in an economic depression, a luxury surely no one would splurge for in this economy. So this would never work."

To bring this all full circle, I was going off one day about how I'm going to spearhead the effort to bring back Jurassic Park as a real idea in this world. Seriously guys...DINOSAURS. Who CARES if they kill us? What ISN'T killing us these days? I mean, if diet coke will plausibly kill me years down the road, why wouldn't I want to live in a world where I could also die from a dinosaur? What sounds cooler:

A) "My brother died from drinking too much diet coke."

B) "My brother died when a velociraptor killed him on a small exotic island near Hawaii."

Yeah, I thought so. But many days at work, I go on and on about how awesome it's going to be when I create the real Jurassic Park once I find my fossilized mosquito and find investors, which by the way shouldn't be very hard, as I'm telling people I'm making DINOSAURS. Who isn't getting behind that? If Barack can win the presidency, then my god man, I can make dinosaurs. It's a new world. Anyways, Richard consistently tells me that it's impossible and sucks the life out of my genius scheme that Michael Crichton started and I AIM TO FINISH IN HIS HONOR. And you know what? I'm not letting go of this one, Reality Narc. So give me your reasons. Attack my awesomeness with your reality and your truthiness. Go ahead. Sticks and stones brah, sticks and stones. I will create Jurassic Park, and your Narc'ing will be foiled. And you will sit there and wish you had never doubted me, Richard. Because when I open Jurassic Park? And you totally want to go because it's awesome and there are Dinosaurs running around? You are paying full price man. Don't even think about calling me for a discount.

We are starting off this muthaflippin year right with the song of the day selection. A band has been brought to my attention that is just phenomenal. They make me want to start speaking in a British accent all the time, which I kind of just want to do anyways, but this is my chance to have an excuse for it. Cynicism, irony and happiness all at once makes for amazingly wonderful music, and these guys do it perfectly. Enjoy Noah and the Whale my friends. I'm off to search for a fossilized mosquito. 07-5-years-time

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.