It's Like Twilight, But They Actually Have Sex

So because hanging out with people is overrated and it's a much better strategic move to just hang out with and develop relationships with fake characters in complex fake plotlines, I watch a good deal of television. Considering I just pissed off about 94 people from the mission yesterday, I'm assuming this is the part where people go, "I don't even own a television. See how I didn't call it T.V.? That's because nicknames are for friends. And television is NOOOO friend of mine." I totally stole that joke. But it was worth it and I feel good about it. Back to the "I never really have a point" point. I swerve in and out of absurd obsessions with shows, and for a bit there I had run out of good fake lives to pretend I had. And then, my friends, I met Sookie and Bill.

So here's the thing: you never heard about True Blood the whole first season that it was on. You know why? Because no one wanted to be this guy:

Normal friend at party: "Man, you know what show I'm really into right now? The Wire/Six Feet Under/Entourage/Any show that others acknowledge is kind of cool."

You: "Yeah, I try to get into those ones. I do. But right now I'm really into True Blood."

NFAP: "Which one is that again?"

You: "Oh, it's the one about vampires who are trying to co-exist with humans in rural Louisiana while working at a silly diner."

NFAP: "Oh, so like...it's like a period piece?"

You: "No. It's just a bunch of normal, modern day people living with vampires. They just, you know, hang out and stuff."

NFAP: "Oh. Cool. Are you also still reading that romance novel you picked up at Safeway at the checkout stand, Drew?"

I'm not sure why, but I feel like liking vampires is congruent to being a 13 year old girl who believes in unrequited love and still listens to "Bye Bye Bye" by Nsync. And I was a huge fan of shit talking anyone who liked this kind of crap about two months ago, too. I'm a huge fan of being blindly judgmental (does anyone else think it's weird that there is no 'e' after the 'g' in judgmental? No? Moving on). But then a funny little phenomenon happened called Twilight. Or "every girl wants to do Robert Pattinson." Take your pick on the name of the sensation. But those books became an absurd talking point anywhere you went, and then all of the sudden everybody wanted to do a vampire. Since I don't like to ever think for myself, once I noticed that girls thought this was cool and it seemed like something I could talk with them about, I thought, "hey, why go out and talk to people? I'll  just start netflixing this show and create an absurdly unhealthy relationship with it."

I have a better relationship with the show right now then I may have ever had with any girl I've ever dated. I will buy it flowers. Cook it dinner. It always wants to stay in instead of going out to see my friends, and I kind of dig that about it. Sometimes I find it a bit ridiculous, but that's what's kind of cute about it. It likes to have horrible acting from time to time, when it talks about some shit I just pretend to listen but don't at all and just kind of smile at how adorable it looks when it sounds stupid. And it ALWAYS wants to have sex. Best. Relationship. Ever.

The best part about the show is trying to explain it to people who haven't watched it.

"So Sookie is a mind reader. She can't connect with anyone, but then she meets Bill the vampire. He tries to come in the first night, but he can't because it's vampire law that they can't enter unless you invite them in. Who knew, right? Anyways. So Sookie's brother is this absurdly attractive guy who just does everyone in town. He'll just take his shirt off and stuff to make you realize he works out a lot. Then there's Tara, who was having a rough go of things because she was dating a guy who was a shape-shifter, Sam. She didn't know he liked to turn into a dog though. Anyways, after she had a fake demon exercised, she started hanging out with a woman who is a god-like creature with monster hands who does this weird shaky thing that makes people's eyes go black and forces them to do it. She's dating Eggs now, she's never been happier. Other than that, Lafayette is a tranny-like cook who sells vampire blood, but he's cool too and totally hilarious...I mean, you NEVER know the antics he'll get in to! I can't wait until next week when the vampires battle the fellowship of the sun, an evil conglomerate church group. Oh, and the vampires in the show all hang out at a bar named "fangtasia". I hope they make one in real life like they did with the bar in the coyote ugly movie! GOD that was successful!"

My neighbor explained it really well, though.

"It's like Twilight, but it's on HBO so there are swears and boobs."

Maybe I should go out more often. Dolores Park, anyone? I call first swing. (get it?? anybody from yesterday still reading?? no? okay.)

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.