So the other day I was explaining to my friend Lesley the mating habits of the angler fish. You know, the one with the light over it's head. Finding Nemo. Teeth that look like an 8 year old's nightmare made them up.
Anyway. I was telling her that the male (who doesn't get the lightbulb thing over it's head, which seems like a major letdown for male angler fish) goes up to the female, bites it's side and once it does, the female secretes acid that melts the male angler fish's face to the side of it's body. From here on out, the female will use the man fish she just melted into her side as a means of getting herself pregnant whenever she feels like it.
I got this knowledge from a coffee table book that is based on a blog that I read on the internet called The Oatmeal. Don't worry, until now I didn't fact check this at all and just went by the rule that anything anyone says on the internet is true. (it's true. wikipedia says so.)
And it's in the middle of casual Sunday conversations like these that I realize i'm not normal.
This is what i've been thinking about this past week.
1. A guy at a bar a few weeks back told me that he's, "not afraid to to punch a guy with glasses." First of all: I'm pretty sure that's awesome and I thought people only said stuff like this in teen comedies. Second of all, he looked exactly like Kenny Powers and continuously ran up to my friend and I doing a horrible rendition of the sprinkler while telling us he was going to (can't make this up) "spray all over us." Yes, seriously. So, all in all? Pretty amazing experience.
2. If you are over the age of 50 and you're wearing a Hollister or Abercrombie & Fitch polo, you should stop that. I'm looking at you, guy in the gym locker room.
3. If you ever want to laugh really hard, just imagine a room full of black people watching an episode of Seinfeld or Friends next to a room full of white people watching Tyler Perry's House of Payne, then having to meet afterwards to discuss their thoughts. How is this not a TV show? "Black People Watching White Things" or "White People Watching Black Things." Hilarious both ways. (The reason I bring this up is the fact that I just witnessed my white co-worker trying to explain watching an episode of Tyler Perry's House of Payne. It was "too good to be true" levels of funny.)
4. I would like to meet whoever it is who has the ability to buy every item I want on Gilt Groupe in a size medium or 11 shoe in approximately 8 seconds every morning at 9 am when the sale begins. How? HOW did you get to the site and order everything within 8 seconds? HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS? ARE YOU A WIZARD? DO YOU HAVE 14G TECHNOLOGY ON A WIRELESS NETWORK THAT DOESN'T EXIST YET?
5. If you are in a crowded public place, and you yell out "Beverly Hills"...I bet someone would yell back "what a thrill!" And I think that would be amazing. If they yell back, "it's cookie time"? Just as good.
6. I work down the street from a place named Bayside Market, and every time I walk in I imagine guitar riffs and cutscene music from Saved By The Bell. Because it's really funny in my head.
7. What is it with people and getting off the airplane? If people from another planet were to come here and witness the spectacle people make about getting off a plane, they'd probably just assume that the last person off the plane is ravenously murdered by a pack of wild tigers. There is no other logical explanation for why people act this psychotic. I get it, you need to go stand outside 3 minutes before I do. I mean, I'm fine with that.
8. You're not allowed to be called freecreditreport.com when you are not free. Because you cost money after a month. You're fibbing. And you're also really hard to unsubscribe from. Change your name to creditreportthatcostsmoneyandishardtounsubscribefrom.com. I mean, might be a little long. But I like playing the "I'm not a liar" game. It's a hoot.
9. I think it'd be really funny if they made a facebook for bro's called Brobook. And all it had were wall posts like this.
"I'm faded, bro."
"I'm out, bro."
And that was it. I don't know why I think this would be so funny. I just do.
10. I drink an overpriced kombucha beverage every day named "Synergy", and it makes me furious they haven't made a run at advertising directly to advertisers. It's like a marketers wet dream.
- It's made with low-hanging fruit. (hey o!)
- Next steps after drinking it? Just livin', man. (hey o!)
- I mean c'mon it's called synergy.
11. I honestly believe the meeting when writers were pitching the plot of Teen Wolf to movie producers had to be the best meeting of all time.
Writer: "So he's this teen. And he's kinda not that cool. But then he realizes, he totally becomes a wolf sometimes. And when he does? He's amazing at basketball. He doesn't actually follow any rules or regulations, but he's a werewolf so the refs don't care. It's early, but we can totally see Michael J. Fox being into this.
Studio Exec: "I mean, how do we fast track this thing? I've been dying to make a modern teen werewolf movie where the lead has to deal with the real issues of being a werewolf. You know? Not dancing around it."
Sidenote: I still believe Teen Wolf is one of the best films of all time.
12. I know they say that if you have gastric bypass surgery that it works all the time because you literally can't eat more than a few peanuts because that's literally all your stomach would hold...but couldn't you just drink milkshakes? Why doesn't anyone talk about this? Am I the only one who thought of this work around? Am I hired, Mayo Clinic?
13. I am crazy for composting. I don't know what i'm doing half the time, and I don't know when these shenanigans started, but every time I throw stuff away it's like a party finding out what I can compost. Is this a white person thing? A San Francisco thing? You win, Captain Planet. You win.
14. I find it absolutely hilarious lately to use non-swear words and phrases when I get upset like "shut the front door" and "boob." Because there is nothing funnier than calling someone a boob. Nothing.
Stream the whole thing at the link up top.