I'm The Mayor Of Being A Loser.

This morning, I found myself furious on my commute. And as I got to my stop on Bart, the pain seeped in again. "I cannot f*%^ing believe that Marc E, that undeserving asshole, is still the mayor of Peet's Coffee at the Embarcadero Bart station."

If what I just said made no sense to you: good. You're winning at life.

You see, I signed up for foursquare a year ago. It's a service where you open an application on your phone and "check in" to places you frequent (bars, coffee shops like PEET'S EFFING COFFEE AT THE EMBARCADERO BART STATION). This way, your friends can find you and you can all meet up, because you are broadcasting where you are (it's also a phenomenal way to attract "not good" people). You know what else it's good for? Giving your friends a nice little insight into just how mundane your life is.

(Calm down, other nerds. I'm just explaining it to the people who don't use it and probably get laid more than we do.)

But here's what's important. If you check into a place enough? You become the "mayor". Like, king nerd. And you know what?

It's like Foursquare is the coke dealer and those mayorships are the baggie. You start finding yourself rubbing your nose and pacing back and forth, moving erratically saying things like, "Just one more check-in, man, that's all I need, then once I'm mayor I'll stop. C'mon."

The odd thing is, I get what they are trying to do. It's SUPPOSED to be a social application that helps you find your friends. But stop kidding yourself. It became a horribly nerdy board game for adults who want to win at being king nerd a long time ago.

And I'm one of them.

You see, "Marc E." ousted me as the mayor of Peet's Coffee about a week ago. Let me tell you, Marc, you caught me off guard. I'd been slipping. 3G was lousy in the station...I was late for work...it's like the excuses got worse and worse and I was missing my check in's. And then you swooped in and stole it.

I felt like someone broke into my home.

Which brings up the larger concern. WHY am I so concerned? I speak so seriously about it sometimes that I concern myself. And then I realize the person i'm having the conversation with is just as serious about it as I am. When I talked about the Peet's incident last week with my friend Pat, we talked about integrity. He informed me that it's well known that the mayor of Cento (a coffee shop) is in fact highly debated to be a (!!) false checker-inner. BLASPHEMY. And I told him I would NEVER check-in if I wasn't there (I'm looking at you, Marc). And that on the coming weekend? I would honestly take BART into town, JUST to check in and reclaim my nerd crown.

I talked about integrity. While talking about Foursquare.

When I want to impress other nerds, I talk about a few nerd crowns I've held. Like an old man recalling his glory nerd days. I talk about how I once owned Papalote, the biggest hipster burrito joint in all the SF land (which is also like being the mayor of "fat"). How once, I owned the mayorship of a 24 Fitness. Which is like saying "I so lack an understanding of why a normal person goes to the gym that becoming the mayor has become more important than actually getting in shape."

And to top it all off, I felt this whole thing come to a head on this very day.

I go to Koh Samui & The Monkey about once a week for thai. About two weeks back, Foursquare informed me that I was just a few check-in's away from becoming the mayor. I tell my co-worker Sola everyday as I go, "maybe today is the day, Sola...maybe today is the day."

And guess what. Today was the day. And as I got back to my desk, the picture below is what greeted me, courtesy of Sola.

You got one of these Marc E? No. No you don't. I'm guessing you don't.

Better keep drinking that coffee, buddy. Better keep drinking that coffee...

(Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to never get laid again after writing this.)

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.