I'm Not A Drunk, I'm An Environmentalist

Turns out drinking too much is incredibly eco-friendly. I live in an apartment alone. If you've ever done this before, you can devise two things about what this probably means:

1. I buy wine and tell myself I'll have a glass or two while I do some work or watch some TV.

2. I drink entire bottles of wine "on accident" a lot.

Tell me you've never done this and I'll tell you that the evening news is never depressing. That was confusing (and accidentally, just a depressing statement?), but I was watching the news out of the corner of my eye and thought, "you know, the evening news is never not depressing." So, you can see where I was probably going there. Or you can't. Doesn't matter. The point is: wine is delicious, and living alone and being able to buy "unlimited" of it is about as safe as giving a baby a fork while they're sitting next to a light socket.

I woke up after "a glass or two" the other day, and was about to leave for work, when I found the cork of the bottle next to...a bag of chips that looked like the hulk tore it open in rage and what appeared to be a see's candy wrapper from what I presume to be "past the expiration date/oh my god how did drunk Drew find that, I had no idea I even owned candy, let alone candy of the artisan variety." The cork though. The cork said on it...

"One Bottle. One Tree."

Seeing as I found this to be an outlandish claim, I did the only logical thing that you would do when you got to work: I immediately searched google for "wine environmentalist deal." Google has gotta be scratching their heads on that one. Then again, Google has probably seen worse (re: any porn search, ever).

So get this. Trinity Winery is apparently claiming that for every bottle of wine you buy, they will plant a tree. Here's what I'm guessing the thinking was on this one.

Bobby Winemaker: "Hey guys. So I got to thinking...we sell our bottles of wine for ten dollars. Which is kind of like saying, 'we think you want to get drunk but also want to kind of feel like you're buying nice enough wine that you aren't a drunk.' And that made me sad. So logically, I thought we should start an environmentalist movement."

Sally Winemaker: "I don't get it. What does people getting drunk have to do with environmentalism?"

Bobby Winemaker: "Exactly Sally. Now let's go organize our expensive things we own, because we own a winery and presumably because of this only own very expensive trinkets and doodads, like antique tennis raquets that you can no longer play tennis with."

I mean, it's a complete disconnect, right? They didn't say, "we'll plant another tree that grows alcohol"...they vaguely said "a tree." So I'm the good guy. Ri..right?

The best part is that the website has a RUNNING COUNTER of the trees that are being saved. High comedy. It's like watching a counter that says, "That guy's drunk...that guy's drunk...HEY O one more!...that guy bought two!.." And even better, how much fun would this counter be to watch while you're drinking/drunk?? Win-Win isn't even a good enough statement for this. It's like winning the alcoholic environmentalist lottery. I'm getting drunk, and I can go camping and it'll still look really good when I do.

Look. I think it's great that people want to plant trees. I'm not going to argue against that. And that's kind of the beauty of it:

They look better than EVERY other producer of alcohol, because they are saying, "What, YOU DON'T LIKE THE ENVIRONMENT? DON'T BE A DICK, BUY OUR BOOZE."

Because, frankly, Trinity Oaks isn't competing with anyone other than the other bottles of wine that you can buy in the "I want to get drunk tastefully" section. This isn't a 1947 Marc Brédif Vouvray (I just looked up "expensive old wine that is good"...I WIN AGAIN GOOGLE).

And in the process, I don't feel like such an asshole for getting drunk. So thank you, Trinity Oaks. You are taking bad habits and all of the sudden making me look like I hang out with The Nature Conservancy environmentalist group.

I'm just waiting for when mexican restuarants tell me that for every burrito I buy, they'll save a dolphin. I'm looking at you, Papalote. I'm looking at you.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 34: I'm Not A Drunk, I'm An Environmentalist

Stream the whole thing right here or click on the "that is SO awesome that there is a counter" picture.


Download the whole mix right here.

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.