If You Think A Fake Baby With A Fake Drinking Problem Is You, You Need To Work On Yourself

I don't know what's worse, the fact that Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade 100 million dollars or the fact that Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for 100 million dollars. Yes, read that back. Doesn't it sound like a villain in a movie should say that amount whilst snickering? Now realize that someone is ACTUALLY doing this, and then realize that the person doing this just also:

- ACTUALLY did a serious interview with someone whose first name is "Niecey" - ACTUALLY had said interview about how she was a hoarder of things like "shoes, old cups of coffee", etc.

Serious fucking journalism for a serious woman (sidenote: who is named Niecey? That's meanspirited to call your child anything that could even be whittled down to this in a nickname).

So here's the best part: she's doing it because she feels that a superbowl ad that was run about a "milkaholic" baby who's the other woman in a fake baby relationship was modeled after her. To which brings up the amazing part about this entire debacle.

To accuse someone a commercial about a BABY who drinks too much milk is about you is admitting that:

A) You think that you're an alcoholic, even before a talking baby with a milk problem reminded you of this and

B) Someone showing a talking baby in a commercial who supposedly drinks too much milk REMINDS YOU OF YOURSELF.

Maybe you should work on things. Just in general, if this is the case.

It's amazing to me that nowadays you can sue someone for something like this. FOR A HUNDRED BILLION TRILLION DOLLARS. This is the equivalent, in my opinion, to me watching a commercial during the superbowl saying that men can't say I love you to women because really they actually just love their Miller Light more and then suing Miller Light because my parents got divorced and I'M SAD INSIDE AND CAN'T YOU SEE THIS WAS REALLY TOUGH AND MAYBE SOMETIMES I DON'T LIKE MAYONNAISE ON MY SANDWICH AND THIS IS YOUR 100 MILLION DOLLAR FAULT MILLER BREWING COMPANY.

Stop it. Maybe just drink less and/or stop being so goddamn sensitive about talking babies, which is a larger issue if this ACTUALLY reminds you of yourself. I don't know what narnia you live in, but babies don't have girlfriends who have drinking problems. You just have a drinking problem, and that is not a commercial, that is a "that's your life".

I'm beginning to wonder how it's possible that I am not, in fact, gay.

Let me clarify this one, while also making blaring generalizations about people because then it's easier to make silly haha jokes.

I was talking to my friend the other day, and actually made this joke:

"I should move to the Marina, and/or apply to law school and change my name to Elle."

First of all, you're right if you have your finger on your nose and are pointing at me: that's not a funny joke. Second of all, what heterosexual male makes a joke that goes deep into the plotlines of the film Legally Blonde, knowing not only the lead character's name but that the general plot consists of her trying to win back her boyfriend and/or prove to him that she can be as smart as he, even if she's just a 'dumb blonde'?

I then began to ponder other things about my behavior that are seriously questionable.

- I use the stairmaster at gym, and use it so frequently that I know the other ladies (men do not seem to use this machine) that use it frequently, by first name on many occasions. Think I'm joking? I commonly look for my friend Rachel here, because we both know that the stairmaster is "SOOO hard to get, I mean, doesn't that bitch know that there is a 30 minute limit?" I also know Tara, who taught me how to turn from left to right so as to make sure my ass looks even better and i'm working the muscles from all angles. Wow.

- I have a hair dryer, I use it daily. When I told this to a girl, she asked, "Oh to use it on your junk?", to which I responded, "no, sometimes I'm just running late and hate it when my hair is wet and I can't put product in it." (This statement to her presumably cemented the fact that I will never sleep with this woman, ever. Not even if I told her I had a 3 foot long penis, she will never once look at me as possible sexual partner again.)

- I own the film Bring it On. Honestly. I find it to be a really great film and in no way thought it was weird to buy it, even when the girl behind the counter looked at me with that pat-you-on-the-head "good for you, you'll come out soon" look.

- I listened to the Indigo Girls a lot in middle school (red flag) and own almost all of Ani Difranco's music (burning rainbow flag).

- I bought bliss spa face wash. I thought it smelled good, and in no way thought it was peculiar when the email I received after purchasing it said "Hey girl, spoil yourself!", nor did I find it odd that when said package came to work, I hid in the stairwell to open the box and then hid the product in my bag before anyone could see. Couple of metaphors there, if you look closely, I'm not sure.

- For my birthday this year, my family bought me: a high priced vacuum cleaner, a popcorn maker (that I was UPSET I didn't get for christmas), and a nice bottle of champagne that came in a purple velvet bag. To quote my Aunt: "This is starting to look like a girl's bridal shower!" (...)

I also own seasons of Sex and the City that I don't put out for public display in fear of people thinking that's a little weird. By don't put on public display, I mean I hide them in my closet (again: alarming metaphor). IT'S THE OTHER TEAM'S PLAYBOOK, THAT'S ALL.

Last Friday had to be like Black Friday for pot dealers when the movie Alice in Wonderland came out.

The box office gross of the movie for one weekend was $116,000,000. I'd imagine more than 115,999,990 of those dollars were spent by big fucking stoners. Because the movie didn't look good; it looked STONED good. There is a huge difference. Movie makers, take notice: start making movies for stoners, no matter what. You know why? Because stoners will see anything that is terrible yet has three dimensional bunnies in it. This is a demographic that should not be ignored. Imagine some of the movies that could have made so much more money just by being more stoner friendly and/or chucking 3-D into the mix.

- The Tooth Fairy: Keep the plot entirely the same, just have the Rock fly out of the screen in a tutu and randomly turn to the screen and say, completely out of context, "can you smell what the rock is cookin'?" BOOM. Stoners see this in a preview and think, "haha TUTU haha WRESTLING haha ILOVEPOT haha I'DSEETHATSTONED." I know, right?

- Anything with Brendan Fraser in it. This movie is probably terrible, yet if three-dimensional and had like, some explosions or a volcano in it, stoners would see it.

- Any chick flick that was kinda sexual and maybe had borderline sex scenes in it. 3-D sex/boobs? I just solved the "my boyfriend won't see that" problem. You're welcome, Hollywood.

- Anything with ninjas in it. You know what stoners love? Ninjas. You know why? Because they do cool shit. You know how they could do cooler shit? IN 3-D.

You know the only movie that wouldn't be better in 3-D? Titanic. Fuck you James Cameron, we already paid you enough money for Fern Gully with guns. Stop being so damn greedy. I don't care if you don't think that's funny, your oscar winning ex-wife does. BOOM. ROASTED.

Without further ado, here's Rocket Shoes Mixtape 24: If You Think A Fake Baby With A Fake Drinking Problem Is You, You Need To Work On Yourself

Click here or the link up top to stream the whole mix.

As always you can download the entire thing in MP3's right here

Drew Hoolhorst

San Francisco, CA 94110, USA

I have a black belt in feelings.