If I Don't Wake Up In a Hospital Again This Year, That Means I Win (and other thoughts)

It's that lovely time of year to make resolutions again. Instead of that, though, I'd kind of rather just go through a laundry list of what I learned this year. Because I think most of us know what our resolutions are. You know, I assume you want to lose weight. Or "not be a drunk". Or "meet the girl/boy of your dreams". You know, we all get it. We don't need to tell each other why we're going to be the best.

So here's what I learned from 2010. Because, well, that makes more sense to talk about.

1. Always write about the San Francisco Giants. Even if it has nothing to do with the San Francisco Giants. If you eat a sandwich and enjoy it? Boom. 1,000 words about the Giants. Does your foot hurt? 300 page book about the Giants. Done. This is apparently what people like to read.

2. Don't cry to other men at weddings, ever. Or if you do, at least have someone to sleep with afterwards so it will offset what you just did.

3. Don't wake up in hospitals. This one isn't funny. Because I woke up in a hospital unaware of how I got there and it wasn't funny at all. Think of the least funny thing in the world (like the color beige), multiply it by 2,038,827, and then pretend you have to hang out with Mel Gibson. That's how I feel about this one, as an all encompassing feeling. Sidenote: it's really tough to write out a number in the millions followed by a comma. It looks silly.

4. I am never going to like bananas. They ruin everything.

5. I like brussel sprouts. They're the girl I always thought was ugly in high school and then I saw her when I grew up and she works out now and actually has great taste in music and we totally finish each other's sentences.

6. I think satellite dishes are lying. Seriously, look at one. I feel like they officially look like a kid with tinfoil on it's head telling you the aliens are coming. There is no way we need a 322 lb. device hanging off of our house directed at the sky with a laser beam to watch ESPN. Guess what: I have used wireless internet. It goes fast. You're lying, satellite television. You don't need that device. Let it go.

7. You can drink milk one or two days after the expiration date. You don't die.

8. Nobody gets phone reception on BART. Anyone talking on the phone in a subway is lying.

9. I will never respect the person on MUNI who pulls the "request stop" cord for any stop that MUNI is required to make always. Never. Stop tugging the cord at Montgomery station. We're already stopping there. Stop it.

10. There is nothing fun about fun size candy bars. They are only mocking you. You're going to want more.

11. A person who has a pet iguana is not a person you ever want to know. Ever.

12. No one looks good in a Mazda Miata or a PT Cruiser. Ever.

13. Your neighbor won't respect you for giving a tyrannosaurus rex headlamp to their child. They are hispanic. You represent everything that is wrong with the neighborhood, ironic white guy. Give up now.

14. Vegans are too demanding. You're running out of things to eat and points to make. Just have some cheese. It's really good. Nobody got hurt. It's cheese. Seriously, watching you eat is tiring. I just worry you do not get enough food.

15. Your face does not know the difference between "really expensive face wash" and "not expensive soap." You're making your life too expensive, Drew. Stop it.

16. Everything sounds better in french. They are almost always assholes. But say anything to me in French and I'll be your Tina, Ike.

17. I have become completely confused as to why we ever stopped making the two dollar bill. Seriously. It's a completely rational increment of money, and makes sense as a reasonable even-numbered option to the odd-numbered five dollar bill. Just sayin'.

18. If you wear a button-up shirt but don't button it, and it's windy out, and then you stretch your arms out, you look like Michael Jackson and it's funny. But then you realize he's dead. And it's a big bummer. But still kind of funny.

19. I cannot subscribe to anymore one-day deal websites, because I get more emails from them than any of my actual friends. And when I receive word from them each morning, I will inevitably buy 50% off of a backpack I already had. Which will be confusing.

20. If someone says, "what time is it?" and you see they're not wearing a watch and then you say, "time to get a new watch," that joke is finally kind of funny again.

21. Smoking pot isn't as fun as it was in college after you've turned 28. Now, you're just concerned about whether or not you've paid your bills and if you're making good life decisions. And then you'll immediately think you're not making good life decisions, because you got high. Apparently, this isn't 19 years old anymore, when waking up to the Fantasia 2000 DVD menu was hilarious because you knew the sequence of songs by heart, and that made you realize you had gotten high again.

22. Everyone you know is either reading or has read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Everyone. It's confusing. Is it that good? Or do people just like Swedish people and the promise of Dragons?

And finally...

23. I'm always going to be an outlandishly neurotic Jew. It's just time to embrace it this year.


Happy new year, everyone. About a month late.

Rocket Shoes Mixtape 38: If I don't wake up in a hospital again this year, that means I win.

Stream the whole thing right here.


Download the whole thing in MP3's right here.

(And I found that photo on the internet. It said to me: New Years! + You're naked in a hospital bed! So, there you have it.)

Drew Hoolhorst

I have a black belt in feelings.